Despite the doom and gloom of the previous post, things are working out nicely with my new position. I am still in charge of processes, just not the people performing those processes. This could be a good thing. Or it would if our manager was stepping up the way we expected. He ain't. Still, when things come crashing down, all I have to do is throw my hands up and say - "NMP! You wanted me out, and look what happened." In a sick way, it's kind of gratifying to watch and know that I was the only piece holding it together. And that's not arrogant on my part. I seriously WAS holding it together, even if I resented having to do so because the people here can't seem to do it themselves. Either way, I am actually enjoying my new role, so that means I can seriously dedicate my time to the things I really enjoy - like Policies and Procedures. I know, it's a sickness really....
On the home front, things couldn't be better. J is the very BEST thing that has happened to me since the birth of my son. Having my two guys around and even having that alone time with J, I am in a near state of bliss.
I say "near" because there is still that elusive weight loss thing. I have actually lost again this week, and that makes me feel good. Considering that Aunt Flo has one foot in the door and is waiting to come crashing in, I'll take what I get. The only thing I have not done at this point is figure out how to get some serious exercise in. This weekend, J has a road trip on Saturday. I think I'll take that opportunity to NOT be lazy and finish cleaning up our new all purpose room. That would be the room that Gambeboy vacated for the smaller of the bedrooms. His near "Asperger's-ness" is rearing it's head again and he said he hated his old room because it was too big and didn't feel cozy to him. I kinda have to agree. It was a big room and was much too cavernous for him. He LOVES his smaller room and even chose to spend some time in it all by himself. That's a first. So, the bigger room is being made over into a multi-purpose room that will house my craft stuff (yarn, yarn, and more yarn), my sewing machine, the dinky elliptical I purchased and really don't use yet, the air hockey table, the rest of my vast wardrobe, and various sundry stuff that doesn't fit into the rest of the house. This gives you a very good idea of just how large this room is. It's too narrow to be the master bedroom (and 'sides, we like our room in the back of the house...more private...know what I mean, nudge, nudge), so it will do nicely to fit all those other things.
But, because we switched Gameboy's room last Sunday, I had hurt my back and it is just now getting back to normal. J proved his prince-charming status by cleaning up and getting dinner for me last night. And he massages my back like no one else ever did. That helped a lot. Hopefully I can be smart about cleaning up this time and get things done for real....
Thanks to DG, I have attempted once again to integrate FlyLady into my daily routine. This is not an easy thing for me - but I do spend my 10-15 minutes in each room when I get home from work so I can just keep up with the clutter and crap. Hey, that's a good line! I think I'll use that again...anyway, it's helping in many ways to keep my sanity and make me feel like I am actually doing what I can to keep a nice house for my guys. And I am starting to get Gameboy into it, too. He is going to be spending the first 15 minutes after school picking up the living room from the things he leaves in it daily. Heck, he's gotta earn that allowance somehow! LOL
Oh, and I have FINALLY started a new knitting project. I discovered that I wanted a shawl to go with my vintage dresses, so I found a pattern that looks vintage and I started it a few weeks ago. I only have about 15 rows done, but at least it is finally started. Now, to just find time to actually knit! LOL
Ok, kids, gotta run. TTFN!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Strange Things Are Afoot
I don't know why, but it seems like I can't have all things in my life going well at the same time. Now that I am personally happy, with a great man and wonderful son, my professional life is taking a wicked hit.
First, let me give you some history. I have been with my company for 15 years. In that time, I have been a supervisor of billing (1 year), supervisor of help desk (6 years), special help desk analyst (after my maternity leave), EDI specialist, and finally EDI Supervisor (7 years). During that time, I have been seen as someone who can be counted on to get things done. Until now.
2 years ago, my mentor and the best boss I ever had left for another position cross country. The team I am supervising is not perfect, but we got things done. After Prior Boss's departure, things turned rather ugly. I was going through my divorce, was emotionally checked out, and struggling on a daily basis just to keep from having a nervous breakdown. That's when some rather unscrupulous people on my team decided that I was in their way and had to go. They began slowly, planting seeds of unrest amoung the rest of the team. A new boss was hired and they used that to voice their discontent to him, without going through me. New Boss discussed these things with me, and I would assure him that they are just trying to stir up trouble. Then New Boss is given new duties which he promptly embraces and ignores our team. I have no support, no direction, and am just trying to keep things status quo. The particularly venomous people on the team use this to stir up more trouble and to strengthen their own positions...
Then, the team complains to HR and I am subjected to a Leadership Review by my team, peers, and management. What follows is not so much a blood bath as I had expected, but a "loop hole" for the powers that be to force me out of my role. I was presented with the results (most being from the team) that stated that I was "in need of improvement" and HR says, "I'll be honest, it is extremely difficult to recover from this" and "Perhaps you aren't happy and need a new position" and "We can help you find something else". Well, what does that tell me? That they want gone. So I talk to my boss and determine that he, too, wants me to step out of my position and that he feels I am really valuable and if I wanted to stay, he would be happy to keep me. So, I decide that I like the work, and he was taking on the people part, so I would stay.
So, here's the wicked hit I referenced earlier...
There is one person on my team that is doing her damndest to make sure the team knows that she is being put into a place of power, and that I am being demoted. She has shared things with others on the team that she should not have, and she managed to get everyone on edge again. She is clearly poison, but the New Boss seems to think that she has merit for the team. When I found out that she is telling people that I am no longer supervisor (which has not been made official), well, that didn't sit well at all. On top of that, every conversation she has with the New Boss is related back to me to show me how valuable he thinks she is, how he values her opinion, and how he obviously relies on her (/sarcasm). And I am sick of it.
So, I met with New Boss and let him know what was going on. He is not happy, but I feel better now that he knows about it. I have to tread carefully, but I know that I will be damned if I will let someone weasel in behind and try to push me out anymore.
First, let me give you some history. I have been with my company for 15 years. In that time, I have been a supervisor of billing (1 year), supervisor of help desk (6 years), special help desk analyst (after my maternity leave), EDI specialist, and finally EDI Supervisor (7 years). During that time, I have been seen as someone who can be counted on to get things done. Until now.
2 years ago, my mentor and the best boss I ever had left for another position cross country. The team I am supervising is not perfect, but we got things done. After Prior Boss's departure, things turned rather ugly. I was going through my divorce, was emotionally checked out, and struggling on a daily basis just to keep from having a nervous breakdown. That's when some rather unscrupulous people on my team decided that I was in their way and had to go. They began slowly, planting seeds of unrest amoung the rest of the team. A new boss was hired and they used that to voice their discontent to him, without going through me. New Boss discussed these things with me, and I would assure him that they are just trying to stir up trouble. Then New Boss is given new duties which he promptly embraces and ignores our team. I have no support, no direction, and am just trying to keep things status quo. The particularly venomous people on the team use this to stir up more trouble and to strengthen their own positions...
Then, the team complains to HR and I am subjected to a Leadership Review by my team, peers, and management. What follows is not so much a blood bath as I had expected, but a "loop hole" for the powers that be to force me out of my role. I was presented with the results (most being from the team) that stated that I was "in need of improvement" and HR says, "I'll be honest, it is extremely difficult to recover from this" and "Perhaps you aren't happy and need a new position" and "We can help you find something else". Well, what does that tell me? That they want gone. So I talk to my boss and determine that he, too, wants me to step out of my position and that he feels I am really valuable and if I wanted to stay, he would be happy to keep me. So, I decide that I like the work, and he was taking on the people part, so I would stay.
So, here's the wicked hit I referenced earlier...
There is one person on my team that is doing her damndest to make sure the team knows that she is being put into a place of power, and that I am being demoted. She has shared things with others on the team that she should not have, and she managed to get everyone on edge again. She is clearly poison, but the New Boss seems to think that she has merit for the team. When I found out that she is telling people that I am no longer supervisor (which has not been made official), well, that didn't sit well at all. On top of that, every conversation she has with the New Boss is related back to me to show me how valuable he thinks she is, how he values her opinion, and how he obviously relies on her (/sarcasm). And I am sick of it.
So, I met with New Boss and let him know what was going on. He is not happy, but I feel better now that he knows about it. I have to tread carefully, but I know that I will be damned if I will let someone weasel in behind and try to push me out anymore.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Newlywed
Greetings! It has been 18 days since J and I tied the knot, and we are settling into married life. Funny, I don't feel any different. It feels like we have just had a huge cool party and things are still the same.
Except I now have a new name.
And a new driver's license (DMV in DE sucks, btw).
And have to change the umpteen places that my name exists. Really? If we have to have a single medical record system mandated by the government to occur by 2015, can't we have a single database that changes your name on things for you? Like, you go into social security, change your name, and that filters to your state forms, your federal forms, your bank account(s), your school records, your doctor's office, and so on...makes sense, right? Sigh. I know I will forget something and have to figure out how to change it way after the fact. But I guess that's part of the joy of getting a new name...
Speaking of wedded bliss, J has been in a funk lately. He has worked busy crazy hours, and I expected him to have some sort of "recoup" time. Problem is, he doesn't seem all that interested in alone time with me. I am a demanding partner, and so I am trying to temper my expectations with reality. Sometimes guys just don't want that "quality" time, right? Or maybe my needs are too much for him right now. Whatever the reason, I just feel so out of touch.
Add to that fact, the whole FB experience where I tried to engage people in FB conversations only to become totally ignored. And I do mean totally. I reply to people's statuses and don't get any replies to mine. I'm roundly ignored by friends, family, you name it. Oh well. FB is not the epitome of human existence. And I became quite addicted to it. So I'm trying an experiment. Give up the account for a week. Let's see how this goes. I don't know if I'll go through withdraw, but I always have this blog to post to if I feel the need to tell the internets what's happening with my chicken noodle soup or how I split the atom or something.....
Call me needy, but I sometimes need and crave people commenting to me so that I know that my inner fears of being invisible are really unfounded. Problem is, even when I go out looking for attention, I don't get it. That leads me down into a spiral of doubt and sadness. I don't want to be an attention whore, but I can't help it sometimes.
This leads me to my lack of sleep last night, my feeling like I am going to cry right now, and the wicked dream I had. It was such a weird day - J and I were off together, I wasn't feeling well, but I really needed him to pay attention to me. We managed some "alone time" in the morning, but after lunch we went to the DMV (scathing post on that to follow) and that literally sucked up the day. We went to the supermarket and then back home by 6:00. While J relaxed a little, I had to run to the store for a new pair of tweezers (don't ask, I was fixated on getting my brows done). When I got back, I did my brows and got into my PJs, thinking I would be getting some more snuggle time. Not so. J was in bed, covers on, and watching TV. I could tell that my little hints didn't work and I was highly disappointed. I ended up playing a video game until almost 10 p.m. where I found J snoring and was even more disappointed when I said to him that I needed his attention and all he did was apologize and roll back over to go to sleep. I practically had to beg for a good night kiss.
I cried myself to sleep.
Then I had this dream:
I was driving home from work in a frenzy. Gameboy was being picked up by his father from school, and I wanted to get home a little early to put together a nice romantic meal for J and I. When I get to the house, J's car is in the drive. I think, "Oh, he's trying to surprise me! How sweet." And I jump out of the car and run into the house. But the house is dark and for some reason smells like mold. I run through a long hall (as the house suddenly becomes really HUGE) getting excited to see my sweetie. As I get closer to the closed door at the end of the hall, I hear sounds coming from it, deep moaning and gasping sounds. I hear the bed squeaking. I throw the door open to find J in bed with some tall, gorgeous, thin red-head. Instead of screaming and throwing a fit, I can't breathe. I slowly back out of the room while they are still going at it, and just quietly close the door. I end up in a room that is dark and made of cinder block - with water dripping somewhere. I sit alone in the room crying, while I hear the sounds from the room echoing through the house....
When I woke up, J's arm was casually draped over me in sleep. I pushed his arm off, half disgusted, half fearful to wake him. I really just want to feel confident and comfortable like I did before - why can't I? It was 2 a.m. and I was staring at the wall wondering if I should get up and sleep elsewhere or just stay there and try to get back to sleep. Since I was tired, I stayed there, but it was uncomfortable. I eventually fell back asleep, but I was haunted by the dream. I still have this feeling this morning - that I am invisible.
I am sure some of it is coming from changes happening at work and my feeling like I am being easily and summarily dismissed from the good things I have done for my team. Another part of it is hormones. But when you have to beg your man for attention only 2 weeks after your wedding, it tends to lead to doubts, you know?
Except I now have a new name.
And a new driver's license (DMV in DE sucks, btw).
And have to change the umpteen places that my name exists. Really? If we have to have a single medical record system mandated by the government to occur by 2015, can't we have a single database that changes your name on things for you? Like, you go into social security, change your name, and that filters to your state forms, your federal forms, your bank account(s), your school records, your doctor's office, and so on...makes sense, right? Sigh. I know I will forget something and have to figure out how to change it way after the fact. But I guess that's part of the joy of getting a new name...
Speaking of wedded bliss, J has been in a funk lately. He has worked busy crazy hours, and I expected him to have some sort of "recoup" time. Problem is, he doesn't seem all that interested in alone time with me. I am a demanding partner, and so I am trying to temper my expectations with reality. Sometimes guys just don't want that "quality" time, right? Or maybe my needs are too much for him right now. Whatever the reason, I just feel so out of touch.
Add to that fact, the whole FB experience where I tried to engage people in FB conversations only to become totally ignored. And I do mean totally. I reply to people's statuses and don't get any replies to mine. I'm roundly ignored by friends, family, you name it. Oh well. FB is not the epitome of human existence. And I became quite addicted to it. So I'm trying an experiment. Give up the account for a week. Let's see how this goes. I don't know if I'll go through withdraw, but I always have this blog to post to if I feel the need to tell the internets what's happening with my chicken noodle soup or how I split the atom or something.....
Call me needy, but I sometimes need and crave people commenting to me so that I know that my inner fears of being invisible are really unfounded. Problem is, even when I go out looking for attention, I don't get it. That leads me down into a spiral of doubt and sadness. I don't want to be an attention whore, but I can't help it sometimes.
This leads me to my lack of sleep last night, my feeling like I am going to cry right now, and the wicked dream I had. It was such a weird day - J and I were off together, I wasn't feeling well, but I really needed him to pay attention to me. We managed some "alone time" in the morning, but after lunch we went to the DMV (scathing post on that to follow) and that literally sucked up the day. We went to the supermarket and then back home by 6:00. While J relaxed a little, I had to run to the store for a new pair of tweezers (don't ask, I was fixated on getting my brows done). When I got back, I did my brows and got into my PJs, thinking I would be getting some more snuggle time. Not so. J was in bed, covers on, and watching TV. I could tell that my little hints didn't work and I was highly disappointed. I ended up playing a video game until almost 10 p.m. where I found J snoring and was even more disappointed when I said to him that I needed his attention and all he did was apologize and roll back over to go to sleep. I practically had to beg for a good night kiss.
I cried myself to sleep.
Then I had this dream:
I was driving home from work in a frenzy. Gameboy was being picked up by his father from school, and I wanted to get home a little early to put together a nice romantic meal for J and I. When I get to the house, J's car is in the drive. I think, "Oh, he's trying to surprise me! How sweet." And I jump out of the car and run into the house. But the house is dark and for some reason smells like mold. I run through a long hall (as the house suddenly becomes really HUGE) getting excited to see my sweetie. As I get closer to the closed door at the end of the hall, I hear sounds coming from it, deep moaning and gasping sounds. I hear the bed squeaking. I throw the door open to find J in bed with some tall, gorgeous, thin red-head. Instead of screaming and throwing a fit, I can't breathe. I slowly back out of the room while they are still going at it, and just quietly close the door. I end up in a room that is dark and made of cinder block - with water dripping somewhere. I sit alone in the room crying, while I hear the sounds from the room echoing through the house....
When I woke up, J's arm was casually draped over me in sleep. I pushed his arm off, half disgusted, half fearful to wake him. I really just want to feel confident and comfortable like I did before - why can't I? It was 2 a.m. and I was staring at the wall wondering if I should get up and sleep elsewhere or just stay there and try to get back to sleep. Since I was tired, I stayed there, but it was uncomfortable. I eventually fell back asleep, but I was haunted by the dream. I still have this feeling this morning - that I am invisible.
I am sure some of it is coming from changes happening at work and my feeling like I am being easily and summarily dismissed from the good things I have done for my team. Another part of it is hormones. But when you have to beg your man for attention only 2 weeks after your wedding, it tends to lead to doubts, you know?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Gearing Up
Ever since the hubby went to the "Gentleman's Club" for his bachelor party, I have been obsessing on stripper music. Why? Well, for one, I have a fascination with the women that can do that kind of thing for a living. First, they have to be in incredible shape to be able to work the pole (and I mean that literally, not figuratively) and pull themselves up in the air. Second, they have no problem walking around near naked. We all know that GeekChick CANNOT do this due to her weight, and that kinda makes me wonder how a woman can feel so comfortable with herself that she is not afraid to show off all that skin. I mean, really! In the bedroom is one thing. But in front of all those guys leering at them? Not so much. But they clearly have no issue with it. I'm just so intrigued. Some may call them "ho's" or "trash", but it takes a real special ego to prance around near-nekkid like that and not feel all self-conscious and stuff. How do they not compare themselves to each other and feel they may be lacking? I know I would at this point. Third, the music is something that I can groove to. I like all kinds of music, but the kind that strippers use is a bit more provocative. It actually titillates me. Call me a freak (as others have done), but I am turned on by strippers. Not the thought of them crawling all over my hubby, mind you, but I am actually over that now.
Really.
Now I am even more motivated to get into shape. Not for J, not for others, but for me, so that I can feel comfortable and free in my skin the way these women are. I doubt I'll ever be able to walk around in killer heels (broken ankle and tendon damage, don't cha know). Nor will I be able to swing up in the air on a pole holding my weight with nothing but my arms. But what I CAN do is get myself to a healthy range so I can feel good about it. And wear cute clothes. And not look at other women as a threat.
Anyway, I found a plethora of info on the web for what music women use for pole dancing and stripping. Itunes actually has "essential" play lists dedicated to this music. And, I was able to get quite a bit of it. And, here's the coolest - they have stripping videos for EXERCISE! How about that? Learn to be sensual and get in shape at the same time. Too cool! I must have led a really sheltered life to now know about this stuff.
So watch out world! GeekChick is on a mission, and we all know a woman with a mission is a force to be reckoned with!
Really.
Now I am even more motivated to get into shape. Not for J, not for others, but for me, so that I can feel comfortable and free in my skin the way these women are. I doubt I'll ever be able to walk around in killer heels (broken ankle and tendon damage, don't cha know). Nor will I be able to swing up in the air on a pole holding my weight with nothing but my arms. But what I CAN do is get myself to a healthy range so I can feel good about it. And wear cute clothes. And not look at other women as a threat.
Anyway, I found a plethora of info on the web for what music women use for pole dancing and stripping. Itunes actually has "essential" play lists dedicated to this music. And, I was able to get quite a bit of it. And, here's the coolest - they have stripping videos for EXERCISE! How about that? Learn to be sensual and get in shape at the same time. Too cool! I must have led a really sheltered life to now know about this stuff.
So watch out world! GeekChick is on a mission, and we all know a woman with a mission is a force to be reckoned with!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Things To Do
Week 1 of married life has passed and all I can say is, it's SO much better than the first time around. J and I are so sympatico that we can finish each other's sentences and even think the same exact things from time to time. We had an awesome weekend, treating it like a mini-honeymoon, and it was really wonderful. Didn't even mind having to pick up Gameboy a bit early (he was happy to be home, too).
This weekend, J and I decided that we needed to do a few things around the house as well. We are changing the family room over to a "man cave" of sorts. We moved the home computer into that room, and the video games. We are slowly putting up bar signs and bar stuff to make it feel like a real cave. Eventually, we'll even put on a real door :)
Gameboy decided that he wanted the smaller bedroom, instead of the nice, large bedroom he had. It seems that he is easily scared at night, and the smaller room offers more of a "cozy" feeling to him (his words!). So, we cleaned out more stuff and moved his mattress and boxspring in there. Slowly we will move over his dressers and clothes. It gives me the opportunity to weed out clothes and toys that no longer are in use. And it's also making me realize that my son has some "issues" that point more and more to Asperger's Syndrome and not so much to ADHD.
Speaking of which, his teacher is clueless as to how to handle ADHD. We had a parent/teacher conference and the praise settled on how Gameboy is a sweet kid and very loving, but is hard to keep on task and is highly distractable. You don't say? Seriously, I had to offer her some suggestions! It was weird to say the least. As a long time teacher, I had hope she encountered kids like this before and had something to offer. Nope. Also, it turns out that Gameboy doesn't play with ANYONE at school. This makes me incredibly sad. How do I get him to make friends with them? He had 2 friends but when I questioned him last night, he said they annoy him and he stopped playing with them. I am at a loss. Play dates didn't seem to work. He refuses to go. Then there's going to karate - he wants to quit. I will not allow my son to become a recluse, so I am forcing him to keep going. It's really frustrating.
Back to the house stuff - we are going to turn Gameboy's room into the true play room and craft room. That way, we can close the door on the toys/mess! LOL Only half kidding on that one. We want a guest room, and it's a big enough room to have a bed and the air hockey table and a few things so it should be good. I'll be working on that a little every night, gutting the room and putting it back together. I also have to move the stuff in the smaller room out to make way for the rest of Gameboy's furniture. It should work out great, and he is so happy with his new room, he slept in it all night! It was quite nice to see he is comfortable with this change. Also, since his old room was bigger, it was also usually colder. So it's a win all around.
I have been hoping to start a new knitting project, but I haven't been able to get to it with all the wedding stuff and now the house flop. I will hopefully start a new shawl for my vintage dress sometime this month. We'll see. The month is almost out!
Have a great one!
This weekend, J and I decided that we needed to do a few things around the house as well. We are changing the family room over to a "man cave" of sorts. We moved the home computer into that room, and the video games. We are slowly putting up bar signs and bar stuff to make it feel like a real cave. Eventually, we'll even put on a real door :)
Gameboy decided that he wanted the smaller bedroom, instead of the nice, large bedroom he had. It seems that he is easily scared at night, and the smaller room offers more of a "cozy" feeling to him (his words!). So, we cleaned out more stuff and moved his mattress and boxspring in there. Slowly we will move over his dressers and clothes. It gives me the opportunity to weed out clothes and toys that no longer are in use. And it's also making me realize that my son has some "issues" that point more and more to Asperger's Syndrome and not so much to ADHD.
Speaking of which, his teacher is clueless as to how to handle ADHD. We had a parent/teacher conference and the praise settled on how Gameboy is a sweet kid and very loving, but is hard to keep on task and is highly distractable. You don't say? Seriously, I had to offer her some suggestions! It was weird to say the least. As a long time teacher, I had hope she encountered kids like this before and had something to offer. Nope. Also, it turns out that Gameboy doesn't play with ANYONE at school. This makes me incredibly sad. How do I get him to make friends with them? He had 2 friends but when I questioned him last night, he said they annoy him and he stopped playing with them. I am at a loss. Play dates didn't seem to work. He refuses to go. Then there's going to karate - he wants to quit. I will not allow my son to become a recluse, so I am forcing him to keep going. It's really frustrating.
Back to the house stuff - we are going to turn Gameboy's room into the true play room and craft room. That way, we can close the door on the toys/mess! LOL Only half kidding on that one. We want a guest room, and it's a big enough room to have a bed and the air hockey table and a few things so it should be good. I'll be working on that a little every night, gutting the room and putting it back together. I also have to move the stuff in the smaller room out to make way for the rest of Gameboy's furniture. It should work out great, and he is so happy with his new room, he slept in it all night! It was quite nice to see he is comfortable with this change. Also, since his old room was bigger, it was also usually colder. So it's a win all around.
I have been hoping to start a new knitting project, but I haven't been able to get to it with all the wedding stuff and now the house flop. I will hopefully start a new shawl for my vintage dress sometime this month. We'll see. The month is almost out!
Have a great one!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The Fugly Stepsister; A Modern Fairy Tale, Version 2
A little time ago, in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a fugly stepsister. Her sisters never mocked her for her fugliness, but she felt in her heart that they pitied her. Her only solace from her self-loathing was in her fiber arts. With only two needles and some wool, she was able to spin lovely adornments that were highly sought after by many in the kingdom.
She watched as her sisters each went onto an amazing journey, returning with a radiant glow about them. They found inner happiness and were able to smile and laugh, sing and dance. The fugly stepsister could not understand what it was that they had discovered. She became secretly bitter and angry. Her heart longed for the key to the song that the sisters sang. She foolishly believed that the song orginated from their respective princes. So she found someone that she could pretend was a prince to see if that unlocked the song. It did not. In fact, it made the fugly stepsister even more angry and bitter. Her very soul started to shrivel. Then, the most wonderful miracle happened. The fugly stepsister gave birth to the most gorgeous of babies. The Handsome Son was the toast of the fake prince's family and for a time, the fugly stepsister felt that they were actually accepting her. But, as the Handsome Son grew, it was more and more obvious that her in-laws were not really "family". They tolerated her, nothing more. This hurt the fugly stepsister and she began to look harder at the sham of a marriage she had created. She also realized that she had not even yet discovered the wonderful song. In a burst of self-realization, the fugly stepsister decided to be true to what she felt was the honest course of action. The resulting chaos was difficult and painful. She prayed often that it would end and that she would be spared the agony of watching those she loved suffer from her choices. She retreated back into her shell, not allowing even those closest to her to know the true desire in her heart - to sing the song. If she could find the melody, she knew she would sing it forever. But she was afraid. What if she never finds the song? What if she fails, yet again, to understand the true nature of it's origin? What if she found the song, but realized that she couldn't sing it?
One day, the fugly stepsister decided that she no longer wanted to live in the shadow of her own fear and anger. She decided to set off on her own wonderful adventure...
She encountered lots of Ogres in her search for a real prince. She suffered bouts of loneliness, fear, anger, and heartbreak. But she decided that she needed to push through the pain. Her heart didn't sing, but it wasn't dead, either. It was not such a burden as she had thought - getting through the walls she had built up around herself. She started slow, letting one person in at a time. Lo and behold, the Stepsister found herself with many more friends, and much more confidence. Slowly, she began to hear music. A very faint tune that she could not place.
One day, the Stepsister was befriended by a man, who appeared to be a pauper. Poor as poor can be, he had a light within him that would permeate the darkness around him. He needed some help in recognizing his light, so she would give him guidance and friendship. Slowly, he began to see the beauty he offered. Their friendship grew.
Then in the fall, on a carriage ride through the orchard, the stepsister discovered that her heart was singing and that the song was the same that came from the man. She was astounded to hear the song playing in her ears, in her eyes, and in her soul. She could not stop the music anymore than she could stop from breathing. It was loud, sweet, and enveloped her in a warmth and peace she had never known. The song was so melodic, it made her cry. His song was so strong, she drowned in it's sweetness.
And finally, she realized, that her pauper was really a prince. A prince with such wealth and fortune that she was unable to quantify it. Finally, she had found the song to her happiness. And in the discovery, found that she truly was beautiful after all.
She watched as her sisters each went onto an amazing journey, returning with a radiant glow about them. They found inner happiness and were able to smile and laugh, sing and dance. The fugly stepsister could not understand what it was that they had discovered. She became secretly bitter and angry. Her heart longed for the key to the song that the sisters sang. She foolishly believed that the song orginated from their respective princes. So she found someone that she could pretend was a prince to see if that unlocked the song. It did not. In fact, it made the fugly stepsister even more angry and bitter. Her very soul started to shrivel. Then, the most wonderful miracle happened. The fugly stepsister gave birth to the most gorgeous of babies. The Handsome Son was the toast of the fake prince's family and for a time, the fugly stepsister felt that they were actually accepting her. But, as the Handsome Son grew, it was more and more obvious that her in-laws were not really "family". They tolerated her, nothing more. This hurt the fugly stepsister and she began to look harder at the sham of a marriage she had created. She also realized that she had not even yet discovered the wonderful song. In a burst of self-realization, the fugly stepsister decided to be true to what she felt was the honest course of action. The resulting chaos was difficult and painful. She prayed often that it would end and that she would be spared the agony of watching those she loved suffer from her choices. She retreated back into her shell, not allowing even those closest to her to know the true desire in her heart - to sing the song. If she could find the melody, she knew she would sing it forever. But she was afraid. What if she never finds the song? What if she fails, yet again, to understand the true nature of it's origin? What if she found the song, but realized that she couldn't sing it?
One day, the fugly stepsister decided that she no longer wanted to live in the shadow of her own fear and anger. She decided to set off on her own wonderful adventure...
She encountered lots of Ogres in her search for a real prince. She suffered bouts of loneliness, fear, anger, and heartbreak. But she decided that she needed to push through the pain. Her heart didn't sing, but it wasn't dead, either. It was not such a burden as she had thought - getting through the walls she had built up around herself. She started slow, letting one person in at a time. Lo and behold, the Stepsister found herself with many more friends, and much more confidence. Slowly, she began to hear music. A very faint tune that she could not place.
One day, the Stepsister was befriended by a man, who appeared to be a pauper. Poor as poor can be, he had a light within him that would permeate the darkness around him. He needed some help in recognizing his light, so she would give him guidance and friendship. Slowly, he began to see the beauty he offered. Their friendship grew.
Then in the fall, on a carriage ride through the orchard, the stepsister discovered that her heart was singing and that the song was the same that came from the man. She was astounded to hear the song playing in her ears, in her eyes, and in her soul. She could not stop the music anymore than she could stop from breathing. It was loud, sweet, and enveloped her in a warmth and peace she had never known. The song was so melodic, it made her cry. His song was so strong, she drowned in it's sweetness.
And finally, she realized, that her pauper was really a prince. A prince with such wealth and fortune that she was unable to quantify it. Finally, she had found the song to her happiness. And in the discovery, found that she truly was beautiful after all.
Wedding is Looming
4 days to the wedding, y'all!
Yes, you read that right. 4 days!
Not that I'm really excited or anything :) Ok, maybe a little....ok, A LOT.
Anyway, I was looking back on some older posts that I had written and found this one about J and I in the beginning....
"I know I said it before, but putting this in "Mr. Baseball" terms, this relationship has come out of left field. J has added so much to my life and I have to say, I am so grateful he did not run screaming the other direction when met the first time. Normally, a guy would never meet me unless I was fully made up and had on my best skinny jeans. Not so on our first meeting, I was in my bum clothes, no make up, and my hair was all wild and curly. Not that it would have mattered. We were just friends, after all. I told him everything - even about Mr. HKwho? and the guys I was meeting online. He knew about my crazy ex (he has one too) and about the struggles I faced getting my divorce. As we compared notes we discovered that we had "parallel lives". So many things we went through in our lives were similar. I relied on him for his perspective into the insanity when it hit me, and I tried to offer the same steady viewpoint when his life was nutty.
I can't pinpoint why it changed when it did. All I know is, I knew the moment it happened. I felt it. It was a real, tangible shift in my perspective. Like a moment when you are coming out of a dark tunnel.
J makes me feel special. He helps me get back up when I am down. He allows me to be me, and doesn't make me feel inferior (aside from losing at baseball, but I digress...). I am so lucky to have met him and that he decided to take a risk and supercede our friendship to ask me out on a date. It's still very new for us. We are taking it slow. But with the friendship as our groundwork, I feel closer to him than I have ever felt to any man in my life before. Ok,now I probably scared him off :) But I have to be honest. Actually, he knows all this. I am just trying to put into words how amazing it is that this clicked at all. It's true, when you least expect it, you get it.
Ok, enough of that. I am feeling really warm and fuzzy today. I think I'll go hug a tree - when it stops raining, that is...."
That was only a year ago. And here I sit and ponder how life's little twists and turns lead us to the road we were meant to be on. I wish everyone could feel loved as I feel loved, feel the wonderful connection that goes with it. I think the world would be a much better place.
To J - I love you. Those three words that I uttered to you 356 days ago by accident have become prophetic. I cherish my life with you, and I am so honored to be your wife.
Yes, you read that right. 4 days!
Not that I'm really excited or anything :) Ok, maybe a little....ok, A LOT.
Anyway, I was looking back on some older posts that I had written and found this one about J and I in the beginning....
"I know I said it before, but putting this in "Mr. Baseball" terms, this relationship has come out of left field. J has added so much to my life and I have to say, I am so grateful he did not run screaming the other direction when met the first time. Normally, a guy would never meet me unless I was fully made up and had on my best skinny jeans. Not so on our first meeting, I was in my bum clothes, no make up, and my hair was all wild and curly. Not that it would have mattered. We were just friends, after all. I told him everything - even about Mr. HKwho? and the guys I was meeting online. He knew about my crazy ex (he has one too) and about the struggles I faced getting my divorce. As we compared notes we discovered that we had "parallel lives". So many things we went through in our lives were similar. I relied on him for his perspective into the insanity when it hit me, and I tried to offer the same steady viewpoint when his life was nutty.
I can't pinpoint why it changed when it did. All I know is, I knew the moment it happened. I felt it. It was a real, tangible shift in my perspective. Like a moment when you are coming out of a dark tunnel.
J makes me feel special. He helps me get back up when I am down. He allows me to be me, and doesn't make me feel inferior (aside from losing at baseball, but I digress...). I am so lucky to have met him and that he decided to take a risk and supercede our friendship to ask me out on a date. It's still very new for us. We are taking it slow. But with the friendship as our groundwork, I feel closer to him than I have ever felt to any man in my life before. Ok,now I probably scared him off :) But I have to be honest. Actually, he knows all this. I am just trying to put into words how amazing it is that this clicked at all. It's true, when you least expect it, you get it.
Ok, enough of that. I am feeling really warm and fuzzy today. I think I'll go hug a tree - when it stops raining, that is...."
That was only a year ago. And here I sit and ponder how life's little twists and turns lead us to the road we were meant to be on. I wish everyone could feel loved as I feel loved, feel the wonderful connection that goes with it. I think the world would be a much better place.
To J - I love you. Those three words that I uttered to you 356 days ago by accident have become prophetic. I cherish my life with you, and I am so honored to be your wife.
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