Thursday, December 27, 2007

More WTF????

I got a call today at work, from DH.

"First, I wanted to say I love you." He says.

"Uh-huh." Was my reply.

"You sound like you doubt me," he says.

I can't believe he is that dumb. "After the last few days, can you blame me?"

"I know, you don't love me." He says with sarcasm.

"I am not talking about this now," I said.

He then goes on to tell me some other story and BS.

Seriously, after all that went on over the past 4 days, there is no way in hell a simple "I love you" will undo all the pain, anger, and frustration. The love that he shows speaks volumes. I have been in a toxic relationship before and I know what is happening here. He is losing control and wants to re-exert some of that over me. Not this time, buddy. I am woman, hear me roar. I can and will survive on my own. Thanks to Rachel for her prayers. I think they are working already.

Ghosts of Christmas Future

Dear Blog,

How was your Christmas? Did you gather with family and friends and enjoy your time with them? Did you wake Christmas morning with excitement and anticipation? Did you see the world through the eyes of a child and find joy in the moment?

I didn't.

Don't get me wrong. Dino had a fabulous Christmas. His childish enthusiasm was contagious enough for me. I was excited for him to open his gifts, to see his wonder and awe at the lights, to hear his statements of love for me.

I don't subscribe completely to the commercialism of the season, but I do love to give gifts. I love to see the recipient happy, getting something that gives them joy. I admit to liking that feeling myself. I further admit that perhaps I put more than I should into the tradition of gift giving. To me, it doesn't matter what the gift is, just that someone thought of me enough to give me a present from the heart.

I did get gifts, most of which I bought for myself. I received a nice watch, nicer than the one that I mentioned I needed. It was tossed to me without a word, not even a "Merry Christmas". DH was miserable and didn't feel the need to hide it for any reason.

I had gotten up first, at 7 a.m. Dino was still sleeping, which surprised the heck out of me. I had to wake him at 7:30 since he didn't seem to want to rouse himself. When he awoke, he did jump out of bed and ran to wake his father. DH reluctantly dragged himself out of bed and walked down the stairs like he was going to the Inquisition. I got a couple of pictures of Dino opening his gifts, sitting on the floor in his adorable footie pajamas. It will only be a few more Christmas's where I can enjoy this scene of innocence and happiness and I wanted to really get into that mood. Problem is, DH was sitting on the couch looking like someone ran over his dog. Not that he would care about that, since he doesn't like dogs, but I digress....

I mentioned that he could get over himself long enough to interact with his son since this was really for him. DH finally got off the couch and sat with Dino as he opened his gifts. Then, Dino and I gave DH the one big gift that we were excited for him to open. A new 4 MB Ipod Nano. DH opened it and said "Oh, wow. Great." Yes, read that with all the enthusiasm of a man going to the gallows. I was pretty ticked. He opened his other gifts with just as much energy. I couldn't believe how miserable he was acting. I realized that I probably should not have bothered, that a gift card would have been more appropriate to the mood. Oh well, I thought. At least he will feel appreciated. I was then tossed a box. "Here." was all that was said.

I chose to ignore the immaturity of the giver and opened the gift. A brand new Citizen watch - called Eco-Drive since it used light to charge and run. It was very nice, and pretty cool. I said thank you, but I think it may have fallen on deaf ears. I opened the other 2 gifts that I had purchased for myself - a book set on knitting and crochet and a DVD player for the basement. It was then that Dino stated that Mommy didn't get many gifts. DH snorted and mumbled something under his breath. I told Dino it didn't matter how many gifts I received, that I really liked the one I got, and that is all that mattered. Dino then pulled out a picture he had made at school. "Here Mommy, here is a present from me!" I was so touched. Ok, folks, here is where I have a revelation on the reason for gift giving - one I needed, since DH was being a total pr1ck. That simple picture, given with so much love and pride, really is the most important gift I received in my entire life. Dino was able to tap into the magic of the moment and presented me with something that was truly a part of himself. No wonder I started to cry!

I hugged Dino and prayed that our next Christmas would be simple, loving, and full of real joy.

DH went back to sleep on the couch while Dino played with his new toys and I made breakfast. We ate in silence. Then, DH went back to bed. He said maybe 2 words to us the whole morning. I was angry and trying not to show Dino how unhappy I was. Worse yet, when it came time to go to MIL's house for Christmas dinner, DH was even more of a pr1ck and refused to go. Can you believe it? I don't know why I was surprised. He pretty much ruined every Christmas we have had together by being moody and petulant. I was hoping he would come out of himself enough to "play nice" just for Dino's sake. How silly of me!

I forced him to go to his mom's house and when we got there, he embarrassed me by being ignorant and a jerk. We stayed as long as I could stand it. I forced him to leave earlier than his sisters and we got home around 5:30. One guess where DH went? Yup, to bed. Dino and I sat and watched his Avatar DVDs that "Santa" had ordered for him. We are now totally caught up on Season 1. On to Season 2!

Yesterday was better. DH went to work. Dino and I hooked up the Wii and had a great time playing that, having lunch with my dear friend Fr. John, and playing more Wii. DH got home late, of course, and only snapped at me once. Then he sat on the couch while Dino and I played more Wii. I started to feel pretty crappy and went to bed early. Dino stayed up with his dad. I am not sure when they went to bed.

Imagine my surprise this morning when DH woke up as I was getting dressed in the dark and said "Be careful, it could be icy out there."

WTF???

After ignoring me, snapping at me, or talking trash to me, how was I supposed to take this? Concern or just "playing nice"? I guess I'll find out. One thing is for sure, I'll be the one making the decision to end this relationship and taking responsibility for it. I really want to do it before I hate him, and before Dino loses all respect for him. There is no happy medium, I am sad to admit. And dammit, I deserve much better than this. Pray for me? Thanks!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Counting Down

This is usually my favorite time of year. Hanging lights, decorating the tree, baking cookies, wrapping gifts - they are all something that I love to do every year. I don't like the shopping as much, but to give gifts and see the recipient's reaction is so very rewarding to me. Just to make a point here, it doesn't matter what the gift is. I think that is why I decided to knit scarves for the team this year. The thought is what counts, it is true. But when someone receives a hand knit item, it is like getting a part of the knitter's heart.

I wanted to knit more this year, but as always, I am a poor planner. I can plan huge implementation projects at work, but for some reason I am unable to gauge (ha! Pun!) the time alottment for knitting things. I was under the gun for the scarves but I got them done. I am hoping that I can think of things that are just as warm and thoughtful for future holidays.

One thing I did NOT accomplish this year was putting the lawn ornaments up. With the tensions between DH and I, it was just not a priority. Dino mentioned it last night on the way home from his Christmas pagent (which was really cute and cuddly). He said, "Mama, why don't we have our snowman or Tigger up yet?"

One guess what Dino and I will be doing tonight ;)

At this time of year, I like to remember all of the wonderful things that I am priviledged to have, and all of the people that touch my life. People that are no longer with us linger in my thoughts. Goals that I wanted to reach may or may not have manifested, but one thing for certain is I have no regrets this year. The babe that brought hope to the world is my inspiration for becoming a better person, and that is all I can ask for.

May you and those you love feel the joy of the season. May the true spirit of Christmas (and not the Dicken's spirits) settle in your heart for all the year.

Merry Christmas! May God bless us, everyone!

Peace out.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Scarves are done!

Whoo-hoo!!!! I finished all the team's scarves and just in time. I will be wrapping them tomorrow since our "Winterfest" celebration is on Friday.

Now I just need to block 3 of them. Should be fun. I will do that tonight and hope to have them ready to go. They should dry quickly. If not, they got unblocked scarves! LOL

DH did reschedule the counseling appt that he cancelled. Still, he is so non-committed to the process that I am still disheartened. More and more I am thinking that it would just be easier and more sane to end this before it gets uglier. I was holding on to that glimmer of hope that we had a connection, but each time he reverts back to this nasty mode. I know what has to be done. It is just taking me time to get used to the idea so that I can take the steps. Dino will have his whole world turned upside down. That alone is giving me pause. Not that it is stopping me. We are much happier when it is just us. On nights when DH is not home, we have a great night. When he is home, DH is critical and moody. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, huh? I think the path is pretty clear on this one.

Ok, enough of that. The last of my ordered Christmas gifts arrived yesterday. More wrapping, but I am nearly there! Knit on!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Where is GeekChick?

Oh My! I can't believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I posted. It is nutty right now. I have one scarf left and it is 7 days before Christmas. I have 3/4 of my wrapping done and I realized I still need to get some last minute gift cards for a few people on my list. DH and I had a therapy appointment tonight, which DH just informed me that he is cancelling since he had a difficult time getting Dino out of bed this morning, that naturally means that marriage therapy is BS and he won't go. How's that for a run on sentance? He said it was my fault that Dino wouldn't get up because I kept him up late. Sure, it was me lying in his bed last night talking to him until 9:30 p.m. (no, that was DH, just for the record)). So therapy is "ridiculous" because of this? I am so frustrated I could cry.

Here is TMI, so if you don't want to know me intimately, please skip to the next paragraph. DH and I had a little "nudge,nudge,wink,wink" time yesterday. It seems like every time I drop my guard and let the sex happen, he reverts right back to bastard mode and treats me like shit. Sure enough after the "ahem" time, he became moody, sullen, and beastly. He spent 8 of the 12 hours yesterday in bed. That is daylight time, folks. When we lost power for 2 hours last night, he finally spent some desperately needed time with Dino reading with him after we trimmed the tree by candlelight and fireplace roaring. Felt very Dickens. Unfortunately, the power came on 20 minutes into the reading and DH jumped up and disappeared once again to watch TV or whatever. It was sad. And I am furious. Then to have him cancel therapy, oh my. I am back to where I was two months ago- plotting on how I can get out and do it with the least amount of pain to Dino that I can.

Oh, did I mention that it is 7 days until Christmas? 7 DAYS! My hair is turning grey just thinking of it. Ok, it was already going grey, but I wanted to illustrate this feeling of "OMG! I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!"

Funny, that felt good. And, I am more than 1/2 of the way done with what is needed, so that is cool. Now that the therapy appointment is cancelled, I will be taking Dino to karate so I can run next door and get the gift cards I want from the Happy Harry's. I know, pretty pathetic, but it works in a pinch. And, I am in a pinch. So there.

I have developed a crush on a faceless guy on the internets. He has a blog I have been following. He cooks (like, real food people!), knits, and is a geek. He wears kilts (yeah! A real man not afraid to wear hose) and is adorable. There couldn't be a more perfect man! LOL Ask me about bay leaves sometime :) Tee hee.

Ok, have to run. Work is crazy at this time of year and we have all kinds of network issues going on. Not to mention one of my staff can't connect to our VPN from home, we have an entire system going offline as we speak, and our voice over IP is spotty today. Not a quiet day for IT :)

One scarf to go! Wheeeee! Knit on. Peace out.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Getting Stuff Done

I have 1 more scarf done. And I am well into the next one. It is going faster since I chose larger needles and a simple non-rolling pattern. I can see the light!

DH was shopping on Tuesday with his mom and they went to the big toy store that shall remain nameless. I gave him my order, and lo and behold! The nieces and nephews are done. Whew! I also ran out while Dino was in karate the other night and made the big purchase for DH - a new 4GB Nano iPod. I had to pick something simple, but I also wanted something that would work with the music library I already have established on my PC. This way, we can sync both iPods (mine and his) to the same info and I won't have to load all those CDs again. Thank goodness. 'Sides, I like the iPods. Now we have to get some miscellaneous stuff, like for teachers and some close friends. I vow to be done by next week. Oh yes I will!

Had another parent/teacher conference yesterday. Did not go as well as I had hoped. Dino Boy is having more and more difficulty controlling his impulsivity and is really distracting the other students. Our appointment with the neurologist isn't until January 8th (or 9th, I have to look it up) so I am struggling with this. Dino's teacher is trying, and she is keeping me posted. Problem is, more and more we are seeing issues with Dino that may not have been as noticeable as before. Like his constant need for affirmation and attention. I always knew it was there, but now the teacher is seeing it. I found out yesterday that he "had to be put out of music class". The music teacher was trying to get the class prepared for their Christmas pageant coming up and Dino was not able to control his "outbursts" (this simply means that he was talking and could not stop). So, the music teacher had him sit in the hall. On the floor. By himself. For the rest of class. Happy I am NOT. I said that I didn't agree with this. The teacher agreed and said that she will work with the music teacher to have Dino brought to the office or back to the classroom if/when it happens again. Sitting on the floor playing on his own serves no purpose. And, I feel that the exclusion technique is working against his self-esteem issues, making it worse. I said as much to the teacher. Each time he is excluded, despite the fact that he cannot control his impulsiveness, he gets a negative view of himself and it causes him to act out more. Duh, people! Get a clue!

I mentioned that I was going to be calling the school district to see about getting him an IEP. The teacher was thrilled by this. She became very excited and told me that she would be happy to help make some phone calls. She indicated that the process involved her getting to meet with the Child Advocacy Team(I may have that group name incorrect, but I am not sure) and develop a plan with them for her to execute in the classroom and elsewhere. She volunteered to make some phone calls herself to do whatever we could to get this done quickly. My only reservation was that the school district would give me a hard time, but she said that last year she had a child that had similar issues and within 2 months that child had an appointment for the IEP. Let's hope that is how it goes this time, but I doubt it. I am calling today to find out what steps I need to take and what needs to happen. I have to do something to get Dino to be successful. Right now, he is keeping up academically, but it may be because he was already ahead of the group. The preschool he was in for the last two years had them working on kindergarten skills way early and this is helping keep Dino on par with the class. Of course, Dino is a lot like me, where he learns something and is quickly bored by it so he doesn't want to have to review it over and over and over again. "Been there, done that" seems to be his M.O.

Ok, enough of that. Knitting to do and I have to look up the phone number for the school district. Then off to work!

Knit on, Chicks!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Time Keeps On Slipping

20 days left to shop. 20 days left to finish my scarves. 20 left until sanity returns.

Believe it or not, I STILL have not started my shopping. Yikes! And, to make matters worse, I am still 3 scarves behind. The pressure is mounting.

Off to get something done! Knit on!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Purging The Ghosts

It was a yucky day yesterday. Instead of taking DH out for his birthday, we spent the day cleaning out the "guest" room - our third bedroom that we have been using as an attic. I wish I had thought of taking a before picture, because it was pretty gruesome. Boxes, bins, luggage, and crap was piled high around the perimeter of the room and in the center. One could not move around the room at all. Oprah did a show on people who horde and pile up their homes with their stuff and find that they just cripple themselves. This was like that. Only, we had not gotten so bad that we had it in every room. Just in that one room. And it was ghastly.

So, since the attic flooring was completed and the electrician had wired the vent fan, we decided it was a good day to clear out. My MIL came to help - and she was a HUGE help. She got DH to toss stuff that he was holding on to for no reason. We threw out 24 bags of crap. Yes, you read that right. 24 trash bags. And not the little 30 gallon bags, either. We are talking lawn and leaf sized bags. There was a huge pile of store boxes that we held on to for wrapping gifts. Many of them were crushed, bent, or torn. Out they went! I found that I had more Christmas decorations than any one person has a right to own. I also found that my husband is a huge horder that can't say the word "trash". He holds onto to the strangest things. Like an old wall switch, screw anchors that are bent, total crap. Sad part is, I had to face some of the things that I was holding on to myself.

Point 1 - my maternity clothes. I had a large bin of these clothes in "storage". They wouldn't fit me now anyway, since I have lost weight, and are about 2 sizes too large. What would I do with those? Out they went. But with them went my hopes and dreams of having another child. It was hard. My MIL reminded me that I wouldn't wear them anyway, since they wouldn't fit, but it was tough to let that go.

Point 2 - Dino's baby clothes. Boy, this kid was really well dressed. TONS of clothes from birth to 5T were sitting in several bins. I pulled out the 4T-5T for DG's son, the 18mos-24mos for my hairdressers son, and the baby clothes I put in the attic in case my older sis has a boy. 4 bins were cleared. Wow! But, in doing so, I had to let go of Dino's babyhood and accept that he was growing up. I kept a few things for his memory box, but let the rest go.

Point 3 - old pillows and craft items from before I was married. These things were a tie to my past in the days where I was carefree and single. While I have been struggling in my marriage lately, these items reminded me that when I was on my own, I had little to concern me. I spent hours and hours making stuff for everyone I knew. Lord knows I don't have this kind of time now. But I had to sever those ties since I know that keeping them served no purpose under the sun.

It really felt good to clear that room out. So much so, that I now want to do the same to the basement, where the toys are taking over. If it isn't being played with, it needs to go. That will be my quest for after the holidays. I would do it before if I had the time!

Still, part of me was sad. There were so many memories that hit me as we went through the junk and items of my past. The hideous figurine that was in DH's house when I first met him (gone! Whoo-hoo!), the set of carousel horses we put together when first married (stored in the attic), the luggage we used for our honeymoon (stored), the old size 18 clothes (gone!), the baby sling and gate (stored for sis), the old toys from Dino's infancy (some stored, some gone), and so on. My emotions were worn out when we were done. MIL was good at purging, and it was much easier with her there. Her motto - if you haven't used it in a year, out it goes! Love that. I will be putting that to use in the future.

I actually felt freer than I have in a while. DH said as much, too, last night. It was a great exercise for us since we got to review the past and we came to realize that we have a long history that is worth fighting for. His mood was so different that we actually had a little tete-a-tete last night for the first time in a long time. Who knew that purging our junk would be so cathargic?

Still freaking a little since I have zero Christmas shopping done, but at least we have a room now to put the presents and where I can wrap with some organization.

Oh, and MIL helped us put up the tree last night, too. It now really does feel like Christmas. Oh, and I finally beat the 4th level of Avatar. Whoo-hoo!

Gotta get to my knitting - 3 scarves to go. Knit on, chicks!

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Christmas Craziness

AARRRGGHHHH!

Today is December 1st and I have not done ANY Christmas shopping. Pray for me.

On a good note, I have only 3 scarves left to knit. Yay!

Off to shop the internet, clean the bathrooms, put up the tree and beat the 4th level of Avatar:The Last Airbender PS2 game. I will beat the boss on this level. I will. Really. Dino says I have to.

Have a good weekend!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Off To Dallas

I am heading to Dallas for a business meeting. I am scared of flying, but I have my knitting with me with my lovely yarn that will soothe me for the flight.

Be back on Friday. Until then, knit on, chicks!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

FiOS is Freaking Fast

Love it. Faster. Cheaper. 'Nuff said!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thankful

For my Son.
For laughter.
For my family.
For love.
For my husband.
For health.
For my friends.
For music.
For my home.
For comfort.
For my job.
For security.
For my life.
For joy.

Happy Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

45 Down, 60 to Go

I have finally hit the 45 mark. Wow. Does it feel great!

Last night was uneventful. We exchanged cards and I gave DH a gift card to get new sneakers (he has to buy a new pair once every 4 months or so). I was given a lovely bracelet (that I picked out, bought, and wrapped myself two months ago). All in all, a rather quiet evening.

We will be having a pleasant holiday it looks like. I believe that I will just relax and enjoy this one. I know one thing for sure - I can't wait to sleep in a little tomorrow! I'm tired. Then it is off to MIL's for a brief visit and then off to DG's for a longer one. Dinner is at 4 p.m. so I am not eating until then so that I can indulge a little. Kidding. This meal will really test my resolve and my will power :) I hope to have a little TINY bit of everything that I want. We'll see if I can stay true in the face of great temptation.

Mr. HKG was very friendly again last night at karate. Dino was better behaved, and Mr. HKG had to point it out. I was happy. And, I got to ogle him a little. All innocent, I can assure you :) Tonight is karate again, and then the dojo closes until the 26th. Phooey. No Mr. HKG for 4 days? Whom will I drool over?

Friday my office is closed and DH is going to work. I will not be shopping this Black Friday (thank goodness). I will instead be clearing out the living room and getting the Christmas decorations up and ready. Dino and I want to also put up the tree. I was hoping for a real one this year, but we decided that the artificial that we have will save us some money since we have to save for our trip to Disney in March. Wish me luck! Dino hasn't been very helpful lately as he is currently obsessed with a Spiderman video game. Sigh.

I will not be posting again during the holiday. I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving and can spend it with the people you love!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Happy 8th Anniversary To Me

Today marks the 8th year of my marriage. It is in a sorry state right now, but it wasn't always like that. It all started years ago when DH lost his job. Depression set in and it never left. Prior to that, I would say we were truly happy. I want to get back there again. I am tired, and I am scared, but I am not ready to give up. I thought I was, but.....

I have been praying about it and I think the hesitancy I am having about telling DH I want to leave isn't fear of the conversation, but fear that I am not doing the right thing here. I want to run away from the pain, anger, and turmoil that is going on right now. If I force myself to be honest with my feelings (which is VERY hard for me to do) I find that I don't think I would be better off without him. I don't want to "fix" him, but help him. Is this the same thing?

I am letting my anger get in the way here. Before I do something that destroys my family, I want to be 100% sure this is the way to go.

Wishy-washy, maybe. But, this is not a simple decision. It is also not something I should do in the heat of emotion. I think I am crazy.....

I am having a talk with him tonight. Come hell or high water, I am laying this out on the table. I have been hiding it for days now, and it is eating me up inside. He may decide he wants out too. Whatever the outcome, it must be done.

I do care about this man. He is a good person inside, just isn't a good people person. He works hard for his family, has our best interest at heart, and tries to provide the best life possible. I listed out the pros and cons and it looks like, as much as I just want out and get away from all this chaos, the pros are outweighing the cons.

Please pray hard for me. I don't usually ask for prayers, but I need them now. I want to find the best path - and I want to do the right thing.

Monday, November 19, 2007

One down - 10 to go

For me, it was a knitting weekend. Cold and raining, with Dino falling in love with the PS2 that we have had forever and he has ignored until Video Night at the karate studio on Friday night. While he conquered phantoms as the Webbed Hero with his karate friends, I casually fondled yarn at the local craft store and did my food shopping. It was really nice to be out by myself without the constant chatter of a 6 year old. DH wanted to go to dinner, but I wasn't putting myself into that situation. Since he had a cold anyway, it was my easy out. So, I declared Friday night just for me. Anyway, I restrained myself enough at the craft store by only purchasing 4 skeins of yarn and two new sets of knitting needles. That was hard, let me tell you.

I have completed one scarf for my co-workers and am working on the next (pictures coming soon). In between, I managed to complete the big UFO that I had started MONTHS ago - a shrug that I swore would fit me, but turns out that my size has changed along with the weight I have lost (45 pounds! Whoo-hoo!) so now it is just a tad big. Tad like hella big. As in the sleeves are longer than a pre-human-neanderthals arms. Knuckles dragging on the floor here people.

Ok, so I figured out that if I fold up the cuffs a bit and seam up the underarms a bit more, it fits enough that I can actually wear it. I actually am happy with it, big and all. It will be a nice addition to my shoulders once it is washed and blocked. Yes, I said blocked, got a problem with that? I know, I know. I stated that I hated blocking, and I still do. But it is extremely necessary for this item. I also did a swatch! Believe that one? The scarves don't need blocking since the pattern is naturally non-rolling, but the shrug has some rolling to it and that bugs me. I even (gasp!) splurged on the blocking board from Joann.com since it was on sale. Even with shipping it cost less than I would have thought. It should arrive this week, and I can finally be a true "knitter". Think I can hide it from DH?

Speaking of DH, things were VERY tense this weekend. We barely spoke. We stayed in separate rooms. A couple of times, he came up to me and started to massage my shoulders (this, after years of marriage, was recognized as his sign that he wanted s-e-x) and I shrugged him off and said "not now, please". He was shocked (dense, isn't he?) and would say "What, I can't even touch you???" and walked away indignantly. Sigh. I lost my nerve twice to say anything to him, as I don't want to screw up the holidays and I need more time to save my money. Also, an interesting thought crossed my mind. What if he was so different when he finally starts dealing with his depression that I find that I don't want to leave? Thoughts to ponder.

DH tried to get Dino to go with him on his errands, but Dino was having none of it. In fact, Dino didn't want to spend ANY time with his dad. This made me sad. Why can't DH see that his relationship with his son is losing ground too? I tried to talk Dino into going out to breakfast with his dad, but he absolutely refused. I know DH is feeling hurt by his rejection, but jeez man, wake up! You have to take Dino someplace FUN to start to get that bond back. Dino doesn't want to sit in the car while you go pick up dry cleaning and get your hair cut, etc. Instead, Dino came with me to get my nails done and then we were off to look at thrift stores until the karate open house. That was fun, and I got to see HKG. I also got to talk to some of the other parents for a bit. HKG seems to be hot and cold with me these days. Friday night, he was super friendly. Saturday at the open house, he was stand-off-ish (is that a word?) and not at all as warm as he was the night before. Oh well. I still got to drool for a bit, and that is all that really matters. I did hurt my knee again at the event (it locked up while I was sitting on the floor) and it was not much better the next morning, so I kept my leg up while I knitted and Dino played video games and DH hid in the basement family room watching football and "working".

Feeling wretched, I once again turned to food for comfort. Only, this time, I realized what I was doing and stopped before I did much damage. Progress!

So, off we go into another week. The holiday coming up is already freaking me out. Will DH be a true D1ck H34d? I am hoping he will choose to go to his mom's and leave me to enjoy this one holiday with my family. Something tells me that he will not. All I can do is force myself to relax and just let things unfold. Hard to do, let me tell you.

Off I go to work on scarf #2. Knit on, Chicks!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Scared

Only 41 knitting days left until Christmas. Even less for the office holiday party where I hope to present my hand knitted scarves to my team. Will I get it all done in time? I hope so!

I am scared right now and not just about the scarves. What I am facing in my personal life is frightening. I have to have faith that it will all work out right, but the biggest hurdle is getting my intentions out in the open. I must have the conversation with DH soon. I am not a "sneak out" kind of person. I feel that I have to be honest and up front.

What I am thinking is proposing a trial seperation. I want to see if I am really not in love with him or if I am just so hurt that I don't feel love right now. I want to see if he really cares about me or if I am just a familiarity (as I suspect that I am since he hasn't really spoken to me again). I also want to feel out how it will all work once we don't live in the same house. Or, is that a chicken shit way out?

What I do know is that I have prime opportunity to talk to him tonight as Dino will be attending "Parents Night Out" at his karate dojo from 7:30 to 11. Well, Dino won't stay until 11, but that is how long they are having the event. In any case, DH and I will be together and I am thinking we need to have an honest talk. I know it won't go well, but it has to be done. Let's hope anyway. I am not even sure DH will want to be around me. If not, I'll just get my nails done.

Off I go to start my next scarf....

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Planning

The decision has been made, the plans are coming along. I am trying to get my ducks in a row and make sure I have things worked out. In a few months, I will look back and think this was the best decision I could make.

Why then do I feel so crappy about it?

I know it is for the best. I know it will help to get Dino back on track and finally will bring some peace for me. I also know that I have the full support of my family in this endeavor. No announcements have been made yet, as I have to have a conversation with DH first. I know that the resulting turmoil will eventually fade away. It will be ugly at first, perhaps even downright hideous, but I know this is what I have to do. Deep down, I have known this for years. I never reached down far enough to acknowledge it. I am trying to get my head out of my ass and be the person I think I should be, the person my son thinks that I am....

Strong, reliable, happy, smart.

Figuring out the next steps has been agonizing. I loathe the thought of not being able to support Dino the way that he is now accustomed. I also realize that my dream of the 4 bedroom house and white picket (albeit vinyl) fence is totally blown to hell.

I am not angry anymore. I am resigned to this. I know this is the right thing to do.

Recently, I had an epiphany. I was forced to acknowledge one of my deepest secrets and bring it out in the open.

I was not in love when I got married. I married for security, for comfort, for an ease to the ache of loneliness brought on by low self-esteem and not wanting to be alone in the world. He asked, I said yes. To this day, I have regretted that decision. My anger and frustration came from me not being able to "fix" something that should never had been in the first place.

This doesn't make me feel good, having this revelation. If fact, it makes me feel stupid that I created my own chaos. I have to do the right thing. I just didn't realize the right thing was to let go. I dread the affect that this will have on my darling son. He will suffer and I have to admit that I am the cause of that suffering. Still, I am praying to God that he understands that this is what has to be done.

So why do I still feel so crappy?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Yarns to Die For

I found the coolest - softest - and most affordable fancy yarn at Joann's last week. It is a blend of acrylic, wool, and nylon called Angel Hair by Sensations (Joann's store yarn). It is INCREDIBLY soft and feels like angora. Honestly.

I bought many skeins since it was on sale - my yarn stash was getting a little low - and decided to knit scarves for my teammates at work. They picked thier colors and I cast on. Shouldn't take too long, either. Size 13 needles, bulky yarn. Cool!

I am half way through one scarf and I am seriously thinking about keeping it all for me. Either that, or I have to go further in debt and buy tons more of this stuff. Really. It's. That. Soft.

Ok, I am just about over the sister-being-PG thing. I dropped 2 more pounds this week and I am starting to feel really good about myself. I am planning on knitting a really cool top for this summer - cool cotton yarn and one that shows off my arms since I never have before. That should motivate me to keep up the exercise.

My Dear Son Dino got sick at school yesterday. I picked him up at 1:10 and by 1:30 he was bouncing around the house like nothing happened. He ate TONS of food (after I made sure he wouldn't be sick again) and was a general PITA for the rest of the night. I really think that he just had a little post nasal drip that caused him to gag a little. He is going back to school today for sure.

Well, off I go to fondle the yarn some more. Later Chicks! Knit on!

Monday, November 12, 2007

More Unravelling

My dear older sis told me she was pregnant this weekend. I am soooo happy for her, but I am totally depressed. After years of trying with only an etopic pregnancy and a very early miscarriage, I am still not able to have another child. She, on the other hand, was totally surprised and not at all planning for this pregnancy. I am excited about another child in the family, but it is still hitting me hard.

I shall be drowning my sorrows in fiber for the next few weeks.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Patterns for Scarves and Unravelling Things

This year, I have decided to knit scarves for my team at work. I had them choose the yarn, and now I have 20 skeins and have to knit furiously to get them done in time for Christmas. But, that is ok. I chose bulky yarn to make it go quicker :)

I spent some time this morning looking at scarf patterns for inspiration. I really just want to use simple stitches (like moss or seed) and don't really need a pattern. I did print a couple of free ones out from my favorite free pattern site Knitting Pattern Central and will begin shortly.

I loved one I found called the Binary Scarf (all 1's and 0's - as in Binary Language) and will put that on the shelf for myself one of these days.

As a strong believer in UFO's (Unfinished Objects) I have to get my shrug done before I will start another project for myself. I have just 1/3 left of the pattern and then blocking.

By the way, let me just say up front that blocking is not my favorite activity. Being poor right now, I cannot afford the blocking pads that are available, and being unable to construct my own, I have avoided this particular process like one would avoid a trip to the proctologist. However, I have found that blocking is a necessary evil in the life of a knitter. I hope to have the shrug blocked so I can wear it for Thanksgiving. Here's to the dreamer in me! Buy that chick another beer!

I found a few scarves I had made when I first started to knit. Wow. Are they train wrecks! Tension and gauge be damned! I remember being proud of them when I did them, but now I am ashamed. So, I will be salvaging the yarn and unravelling them to attempt to put the fiber to better use. I also found a really, really cute hat I had made for my son that was WAY too big then, but will fit nicely this year. I can't wait to get a picture of it to post up.

Speaking of unravelling, my marriage is at the moment. My spouse (whom I will refer to as DH) has been in a depression for years and refuses to acknowledge it or get help. Therapy this week resulted in further denial and assignment of blame to moi, which has been his M.O. since we got married. Seeing the pattern over the years; there is usually a fight, then denial, then assignment of blame to yours truely, then it gets swept under the rug. I would be nutty with frustration and anger in the past and just let it go in hopes that SOMETHING would sink in. Not anymore, though. I have come to understand that some things just can't be swept under the rug - or will go away on their own. I have also concluded that by getting nutty (or psychotic, if you believe DH) is of no use and is a valuable waste of energy that would be better spent knitting. So I am not letting it get to me now. Whatever happens, happens. I just hope that if it comes to divorce, the yarn stash is not considered communal property....

Thursday, November 8, 2007

New Beginnings

Hello Blog-o-sphere!

I am starting a new blog. I decided that this year is my year for new beginnings and this is one of those things that I have wanted to do. My other blog is a Porsche. Kidding. The other blog was created for my experiences with my son, and that is how it will remain. But this one is for JUST ME!

Hopefully, here in some form of anonymity I can post about my experiences learning Linux, my passion for geek stuff and knitting (yes, the two can co-exist in the same universe!), and pour my heart out about my continuing marital problems which I hope to resolve one way or another very soon. I think I know how that story will end, but life does have a way of throwing surprises out once in awhile.

So, if you stumbled upon this blog, welcome! Hopefully you will find this somewhat entertaining!