Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Off To Dallas

I am heading to Dallas for a business meeting. I am scared of flying, but I have my knitting with me with my lovely yarn that will soothe me for the flight.

Be back on Friday. Until then, knit on, chicks!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

FiOS is Freaking Fast

Love it. Faster. Cheaper. 'Nuff said!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thankful

For my Son.
For laughter.
For my family.
For love.
For my husband.
For health.
For my friends.
For music.
For my home.
For comfort.
For my job.
For security.
For my life.
For joy.

Happy Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

45 Down, 60 to Go

I have finally hit the 45 mark. Wow. Does it feel great!

Last night was uneventful. We exchanged cards and I gave DH a gift card to get new sneakers (he has to buy a new pair once every 4 months or so). I was given a lovely bracelet (that I picked out, bought, and wrapped myself two months ago). All in all, a rather quiet evening.

We will be having a pleasant holiday it looks like. I believe that I will just relax and enjoy this one. I know one thing for sure - I can't wait to sleep in a little tomorrow! I'm tired. Then it is off to MIL's for a brief visit and then off to DG's for a longer one. Dinner is at 4 p.m. so I am not eating until then so that I can indulge a little. Kidding. This meal will really test my resolve and my will power :) I hope to have a little TINY bit of everything that I want. We'll see if I can stay true in the face of great temptation.

Mr. HKG was very friendly again last night at karate. Dino was better behaved, and Mr. HKG had to point it out. I was happy. And, I got to ogle him a little. All innocent, I can assure you :) Tonight is karate again, and then the dojo closes until the 26th. Phooey. No Mr. HKG for 4 days? Whom will I drool over?

Friday my office is closed and DH is going to work. I will not be shopping this Black Friday (thank goodness). I will instead be clearing out the living room and getting the Christmas decorations up and ready. Dino and I want to also put up the tree. I was hoping for a real one this year, but we decided that the artificial that we have will save us some money since we have to save for our trip to Disney in March. Wish me luck! Dino hasn't been very helpful lately as he is currently obsessed with a Spiderman video game. Sigh.

I will not be posting again during the holiday. I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving and can spend it with the people you love!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Happy 8th Anniversary To Me

Today marks the 8th year of my marriage. It is in a sorry state right now, but it wasn't always like that. It all started years ago when DH lost his job. Depression set in and it never left. Prior to that, I would say we were truly happy. I want to get back there again. I am tired, and I am scared, but I am not ready to give up. I thought I was, but.....

I have been praying about it and I think the hesitancy I am having about telling DH I want to leave isn't fear of the conversation, but fear that I am not doing the right thing here. I want to run away from the pain, anger, and turmoil that is going on right now. If I force myself to be honest with my feelings (which is VERY hard for me to do) I find that I don't think I would be better off without him. I don't want to "fix" him, but help him. Is this the same thing?

I am letting my anger get in the way here. Before I do something that destroys my family, I want to be 100% sure this is the way to go.

Wishy-washy, maybe. But, this is not a simple decision. It is also not something I should do in the heat of emotion. I think I am crazy.....

I am having a talk with him tonight. Come hell or high water, I am laying this out on the table. I have been hiding it for days now, and it is eating me up inside. He may decide he wants out too. Whatever the outcome, it must be done.

I do care about this man. He is a good person inside, just isn't a good people person. He works hard for his family, has our best interest at heart, and tries to provide the best life possible. I listed out the pros and cons and it looks like, as much as I just want out and get away from all this chaos, the pros are outweighing the cons.

Please pray hard for me. I don't usually ask for prayers, but I need them now. I want to find the best path - and I want to do the right thing.

Monday, November 19, 2007

One down - 10 to go

For me, it was a knitting weekend. Cold and raining, with Dino falling in love with the PS2 that we have had forever and he has ignored until Video Night at the karate studio on Friday night. While he conquered phantoms as the Webbed Hero with his karate friends, I casually fondled yarn at the local craft store and did my food shopping. It was really nice to be out by myself without the constant chatter of a 6 year old. DH wanted to go to dinner, but I wasn't putting myself into that situation. Since he had a cold anyway, it was my easy out. So, I declared Friday night just for me. Anyway, I restrained myself enough at the craft store by only purchasing 4 skeins of yarn and two new sets of knitting needles. That was hard, let me tell you.

I have completed one scarf for my co-workers and am working on the next (pictures coming soon). In between, I managed to complete the big UFO that I had started MONTHS ago - a shrug that I swore would fit me, but turns out that my size has changed along with the weight I have lost (45 pounds! Whoo-hoo!) so now it is just a tad big. Tad like hella big. As in the sleeves are longer than a pre-human-neanderthals arms. Knuckles dragging on the floor here people.

Ok, so I figured out that if I fold up the cuffs a bit and seam up the underarms a bit more, it fits enough that I can actually wear it. I actually am happy with it, big and all. It will be a nice addition to my shoulders once it is washed and blocked. Yes, I said blocked, got a problem with that? I know, I know. I stated that I hated blocking, and I still do. But it is extremely necessary for this item. I also did a swatch! Believe that one? The scarves don't need blocking since the pattern is naturally non-rolling, but the shrug has some rolling to it and that bugs me. I even (gasp!) splurged on the blocking board from Joann.com since it was on sale. Even with shipping it cost less than I would have thought. It should arrive this week, and I can finally be a true "knitter". Think I can hide it from DH?

Speaking of DH, things were VERY tense this weekend. We barely spoke. We stayed in separate rooms. A couple of times, he came up to me and started to massage my shoulders (this, after years of marriage, was recognized as his sign that he wanted s-e-x) and I shrugged him off and said "not now, please". He was shocked (dense, isn't he?) and would say "What, I can't even touch you???" and walked away indignantly. Sigh. I lost my nerve twice to say anything to him, as I don't want to screw up the holidays and I need more time to save my money. Also, an interesting thought crossed my mind. What if he was so different when he finally starts dealing with his depression that I find that I don't want to leave? Thoughts to ponder.

DH tried to get Dino to go with him on his errands, but Dino was having none of it. In fact, Dino didn't want to spend ANY time with his dad. This made me sad. Why can't DH see that his relationship with his son is losing ground too? I tried to talk Dino into going out to breakfast with his dad, but he absolutely refused. I know DH is feeling hurt by his rejection, but jeez man, wake up! You have to take Dino someplace FUN to start to get that bond back. Dino doesn't want to sit in the car while you go pick up dry cleaning and get your hair cut, etc. Instead, Dino came with me to get my nails done and then we were off to look at thrift stores until the karate open house. That was fun, and I got to see HKG. I also got to talk to some of the other parents for a bit. HKG seems to be hot and cold with me these days. Friday night, he was super friendly. Saturday at the open house, he was stand-off-ish (is that a word?) and not at all as warm as he was the night before. Oh well. I still got to drool for a bit, and that is all that really matters. I did hurt my knee again at the event (it locked up while I was sitting on the floor) and it was not much better the next morning, so I kept my leg up while I knitted and Dino played video games and DH hid in the basement family room watching football and "working".

Feeling wretched, I once again turned to food for comfort. Only, this time, I realized what I was doing and stopped before I did much damage. Progress!

So, off we go into another week. The holiday coming up is already freaking me out. Will DH be a true D1ck H34d? I am hoping he will choose to go to his mom's and leave me to enjoy this one holiday with my family. Something tells me that he will not. All I can do is force myself to relax and just let things unfold. Hard to do, let me tell you.

Off I go to work on scarf #2. Knit on, Chicks!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Scared

Only 41 knitting days left until Christmas. Even less for the office holiday party where I hope to present my hand knitted scarves to my team. Will I get it all done in time? I hope so!

I am scared right now and not just about the scarves. What I am facing in my personal life is frightening. I have to have faith that it will all work out right, but the biggest hurdle is getting my intentions out in the open. I must have the conversation with DH soon. I am not a "sneak out" kind of person. I feel that I have to be honest and up front.

What I am thinking is proposing a trial seperation. I want to see if I am really not in love with him or if I am just so hurt that I don't feel love right now. I want to see if he really cares about me or if I am just a familiarity (as I suspect that I am since he hasn't really spoken to me again). I also want to feel out how it will all work once we don't live in the same house. Or, is that a chicken shit way out?

What I do know is that I have prime opportunity to talk to him tonight as Dino will be attending "Parents Night Out" at his karate dojo from 7:30 to 11. Well, Dino won't stay until 11, but that is how long they are having the event. In any case, DH and I will be together and I am thinking we need to have an honest talk. I know it won't go well, but it has to be done. Let's hope anyway. I am not even sure DH will want to be around me. If not, I'll just get my nails done.

Off I go to start my next scarf....

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Planning

The decision has been made, the plans are coming along. I am trying to get my ducks in a row and make sure I have things worked out. In a few months, I will look back and think this was the best decision I could make.

Why then do I feel so crappy about it?

I know it is for the best. I know it will help to get Dino back on track and finally will bring some peace for me. I also know that I have the full support of my family in this endeavor. No announcements have been made yet, as I have to have a conversation with DH first. I know that the resulting turmoil will eventually fade away. It will be ugly at first, perhaps even downright hideous, but I know this is what I have to do. Deep down, I have known this for years. I never reached down far enough to acknowledge it. I am trying to get my head out of my ass and be the person I think I should be, the person my son thinks that I am....

Strong, reliable, happy, smart.

Figuring out the next steps has been agonizing. I loathe the thought of not being able to support Dino the way that he is now accustomed. I also realize that my dream of the 4 bedroom house and white picket (albeit vinyl) fence is totally blown to hell.

I am not angry anymore. I am resigned to this. I know this is the right thing to do.

Recently, I had an epiphany. I was forced to acknowledge one of my deepest secrets and bring it out in the open.

I was not in love when I got married. I married for security, for comfort, for an ease to the ache of loneliness brought on by low self-esteem and not wanting to be alone in the world. He asked, I said yes. To this day, I have regretted that decision. My anger and frustration came from me not being able to "fix" something that should never had been in the first place.

This doesn't make me feel good, having this revelation. If fact, it makes me feel stupid that I created my own chaos. I have to do the right thing. I just didn't realize the right thing was to let go. I dread the affect that this will have on my darling son. He will suffer and I have to admit that I am the cause of that suffering. Still, I am praying to God that he understands that this is what has to be done.

So why do I still feel so crappy?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Yarns to Die For

I found the coolest - softest - and most affordable fancy yarn at Joann's last week. It is a blend of acrylic, wool, and nylon called Angel Hair by Sensations (Joann's store yarn). It is INCREDIBLY soft and feels like angora. Honestly.

I bought many skeins since it was on sale - my yarn stash was getting a little low - and decided to knit scarves for my teammates at work. They picked thier colors and I cast on. Shouldn't take too long, either. Size 13 needles, bulky yarn. Cool!

I am half way through one scarf and I am seriously thinking about keeping it all for me. Either that, or I have to go further in debt and buy tons more of this stuff. Really. It's. That. Soft.

Ok, I am just about over the sister-being-PG thing. I dropped 2 more pounds this week and I am starting to feel really good about myself. I am planning on knitting a really cool top for this summer - cool cotton yarn and one that shows off my arms since I never have before. That should motivate me to keep up the exercise.

My Dear Son Dino got sick at school yesterday. I picked him up at 1:10 and by 1:30 he was bouncing around the house like nothing happened. He ate TONS of food (after I made sure he wouldn't be sick again) and was a general PITA for the rest of the night. I really think that he just had a little post nasal drip that caused him to gag a little. He is going back to school today for sure.

Well, off I go to fondle the yarn some more. Later Chicks! Knit on!

Monday, November 12, 2007

More Unravelling

My dear older sis told me she was pregnant this weekend. I am soooo happy for her, but I am totally depressed. After years of trying with only an etopic pregnancy and a very early miscarriage, I am still not able to have another child. She, on the other hand, was totally surprised and not at all planning for this pregnancy. I am excited about another child in the family, but it is still hitting me hard.

I shall be drowning my sorrows in fiber for the next few weeks.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Patterns for Scarves and Unravelling Things

This year, I have decided to knit scarves for my team at work. I had them choose the yarn, and now I have 20 skeins and have to knit furiously to get them done in time for Christmas. But, that is ok. I chose bulky yarn to make it go quicker :)

I spent some time this morning looking at scarf patterns for inspiration. I really just want to use simple stitches (like moss or seed) and don't really need a pattern. I did print a couple of free ones out from my favorite free pattern site Knitting Pattern Central and will begin shortly.

I loved one I found called the Binary Scarf (all 1's and 0's - as in Binary Language) and will put that on the shelf for myself one of these days.

As a strong believer in UFO's (Unfinished Objects) I have to get my shrug done before I will start another project for myself. I have just 1/3 left of the pattern and then blocking.

By the way, let me just say up front that blocking is not my favorite activity. Being poor right now, I cannot afford the blocking pads that are available, and being unable to construct my own, I have avoided this particular process like one would avoid a trip to the proctologist. However, I have found that blocking is a necessary evil in the life of a knitter. I hope to have the shrug blocked so I can wear it for Thanksgiving. Here's to the dreamer in me! Buy that chick another beer!

I found a few scarves I had made when I first started to knit. Wow. Are they train wrecks! Tension and gauge be damned! I remember being proud of them when I did them, but now I am ashamed. So, I will be salvaging the yarn and unravelling them to attempt to put the fiber to better use. I also found a really, really cute hat I had made for my son that was WAY too big then, but will fit nicely this year. I can't wait to get a picture of it to post up.

Speaking of unravelling, my marriage is at the moment. My spouse (whom I will refer to as DH) has been in a depression for years and refuses to acknowledge it or get help. Therapy this week resulted in further denial and assignment of blame to moi, which has been his M.O. since we got married. Seeing the pattern over the years; there is usually a fight, then denial, then assignment of blame to yours truely, then it gets swept under the rug. I would be nutty with frustration and anger in the past and just let it go in hopes that SOMETHING would sink in. Not anymore, though. I have come to understand that some things just can't be swept under the rug - or will go away on their own. I have also concluded that by getting nutty (or psychotic, if you believe DH) is of no use and is a valuable waste of energy that would be better spent knitting. So I am not letting it get to me now. Whatever happens, happens. I just hope that if it comes to divorce, the yarn stash is not considered communal property....

Thursday, November 8, 2007

New Beginnings

Hello Blog-o-sphere!

I am starting a new blog. I decided that this year is my year for new beginnings and this is one of those things that I have wanted to do. My other blog is a Porsche. Kidding. The other blog was created for my experiences with my son, and that is how it will remain. But this one is for JUST ME!

Hopefully, here in some form of anonymity I can post about my experiences learning Linux, my passion for geek stuff and knitting (yes, the two can co-exist in the same universe!), and pour my heart out about my continuing marital problems which I hope to resolve one way or another very soon. I think I know how that story will end, but life does have a way of throwing surprises out once in awhile.

So, if you stumbled upon this blog, welcome! Hopefully you will find this somewhat entertaining!