Thursday, November 15, 2007

Planning

The decision has been made, the plans are coming along. I am trying to get my ducks in a row and make sure I have things worked out. In a few months, I will look back and think this was the best decision I could make.

Why then do I feel so crappy about it?

I know it is for the best. I know it will help to get Dino back on track and finally will bring some peace for me. I also know that I have the full support of my family in this endeavor. No announcements have been made yet, as I have to have a conversation with DH first. I know that the resulting turmoil will eventually fade away. It will be ugly at first, perhaps even downright hideous, but I know this is what I have to do. Deep down, I have known this for years. I never reached down far enough to acknowledge it. I am trying to get my head out of my ass and be the person I think I should be, the person my son thinks that I am....

Strong, reliable, happy, smart.

Figuring out the next steps has been agonizing. I loathe the thought of not being able to support Dino the way that he is now accustomed. I also realize that my dream of the 4 bedroom house and white picket (albeit vinyl) fence is totally blown to hell.

I am not angry anymore. I am resigned to this. I know this is the right thing to do.

Recently, I had an epiphany. I was forced to acknowledge one of my deepest secrets and bring it out in the open.

I was not in love when I got married. I married for security, for comfort, for an ease to the ache of loneliness brought on by low self-esteem and not wanting to be alone in the world. He asked, I said yes. To this day, I have regretted that decision. My anger and frustration came from me not being able to "fix" something that should never had been in the first place.

This doesn't make me feel good, having this revelation. If fact, it makes me feel stupid that I created my own chaos. I have to do the right thing. I just didn't realize the right thing was to let go. I dread the affect that this will have on my darling son. He will suffer and I have to admit that I am the cause of that suffering. Still, I am praying to God that he understands that this is what has to be done.

So why do I still feel so crappy?

1 comment:

Domestic Goddess said...

You feel crappy because no one likes to fail and no one wants to concede. It's just in our nature. But don't look at it as failure. Look at it as moving on with your life.
You are right in knowing that you have full family support. Stop thinking about what could have been. Stop thinking about the past and the mistakes. Now is the time to think about your future and plan for your security and well-being. You deserve to be happy. It will just take a long time.
Whatever happens, know we are here for you. No one likes the D-word, and I wish it didn't have to happen. Believe me, I wonder sometimes if i truly loved my husband when I married him. Sometimes he drives me crazy. Somehow, we worked it out and things are good. I want that for you. I wish there was some way that you could work things out with him. But if it isn't possible (you are taking the necessary steps with counseling) you still have our love and support, no matter what happens.