Thursday, December 27, 2007

Ghosts of Christmas Future

Dear Blog,

How was your Christmas? Did you gather with family and friends and enjoy your time with them? Did you wake Christmas morning with excitement and anticipation? Did you see the world through the eyes of a child and find joy in the moment?

I didn't.

Don't get me wrong. Dino had a fabulous Christmas. His childish enthusiasm was contagious enough for me. I was excited for him to open his gifts, to see his wonder and awe at the lights, to hear his statements of love for me.

I don't subscribe completely to the commercialism of the season, but I do love to give gifts. I love to see the recipient happy, getting something that gives them joy. I admit to liking that feeling myself. I further admit that perhaps I put more than I should into the tradition of gift giving. To me, it doesn't matter what the gift is, just that someone thought of me enough to give me a present from the heart.

I did get gifts, most of which I bought for myself. I received a nice watch, nicer than the one that I mentioned I needed. It was tossed to me without a word, not even a "Merry Christmas". DH was miserable and didn't feel the need to hide it for any reason.

I had gotten up first, at 7 a.m. Dino was still sleeping, which surprised the heck out of me. I had to wake him at 7:30 since he didn't seem to want to rouse himself. When he awoke, he did jump out of bed and ran to wake his father. DH reluctantly dragged himself out of bed and walked down the stairs like he was going to the Inquisition. I got a couple of pictures of Dino opening his gifts, sitting on the floor in his adorable footie pajamas. It will only be a few more Christmas's where I can enjoy this scene of innocence and happiness and I wanted to really get into that mood. Problem is, DH was sitting on the couch looking like someone ran over his dog. Not that he would care about that, since he doesn't like dogs, but I digress....

I mentioned that he could get over himself long enough to interact with his son since this was really for him. DH finally got off the couch and sat with Dino as he opened his gifts. Then, Dino and I gave DH the one big gift that we were excited for him to open. A new 4 MB Ipod Nano. DH opened it and said "Oh, wow. Great." Yes, read that with all the enthusiasm of a man going to the gallows. I was pretty ticked. He opened his other gifts with just as much energy. I couldn't believe how miserable he was acting. I realized that I probably should not have bothered, that a gift card would have been more appropriate to the mood. Oh well, I thought. At least he will feel appreciated. I was then tossed a box. "Here." was all that was said.

I chose to ignore the immaturity of the giver and opened the gift. A brand new Citizen watch - called Eco-Drive since it used light to charge and run. It was very nice, and pretty cool. I said thank you, but I think it may have fallen on deaf ears. I opened the other 2 gifts that I had purchased for myself - a book set on knitting and crochet and a DVD player for the basement. It was then that Dino stated that Mommy didn't get many gifts. DH snorted and mumbled something under his breath. I told Dino it didn't matter how many gifts I received, that I really liked the one I got, and that is all that mattered. Dino then pulled out a picture he had made at school. "Here Mommy, here is a present from me!" I was so touched. Ok, folks, here is where I have a revelation on the reason for gift giving - one I needed, since DH was being a total pr1ck. That simple picture, given with so much love and pride, really is the most important gift I received in my entire life. Dino was able to tap into the magic of the moment and presented me with something that was truly a part of himself. No wonder I started to cry!

I hugged Dino and prayed that our next Christmas would be simple, loving, and full of real joy.

DH went back to sleep on the couch while Dino played with his new toys and I made breakfast. We ate in silence. Then, DH went back to bed. He said maybe 2 words to us the whole morning. I was angry and trying not to show Dino how unhappy I was. Worse yet, when it came time to go to MIL's house for Christmas dinner, DH was even more of a pr1ck and refused to go. Can you believe it? I don't know why I was surprised. He pretty much ruined every Christmas we have had together by being moody and petulant. I was hoping he would come out of himself enough to "play nice" just for Dino's sake. How silly of me!

I forced him to go to his mom's house and when we got there, he embarrassed me by being ignorant and a jerk. We stayed as long as I could stand it. I forced him to leave earlier than his sisters and we got home around 5:30. One guess where DH went? Yup, to bed. Dino and I sat and watched his Avatar DVDs that "Santa" had ordered for him. We are now totally caught up on Season 1. On to Season 2!

Yesterday was better. DH went to work. Dino and I hooked up the Wii and had a great time playing that, having lunch with my dear friend Fr. John, and playing more Wii. DH got home late, of course, and only snapped at me once. Then he sat on the couch while Dino and I played more Wii. I started to feel pretty crappy and went to bed early. Dino stayed up with his dad. I am not sure when they went to bed.

Imagine my surprise this morning when DH woke up as I was getting dressed in the dark and said "Be careful, it could be icy out there."


After ignoring me, snapping at me, or talking trash to me, how was I supposed to take this? Concern or just "playing nice"? I guess I'll find out. One thing is for sure, I'll be the one making the decision to end this relationship and taking responsibility for it. I really want to do it before I hate him, and before Dino loses all respect for him. There is no happy medium, I am sad to admit. And dammit, I deserve much better than this. Pray for me? Thanks!


Rachel said...

I'm sure you already know this, but sleeping as much as your DH does combined with the emotionless response to even fabulous gifts is a CLEAR sign of depression. May I suggest that making an ultimatum that he seek help or ____ (whatever you choose that ultimatum to be, whatever you feel might make a difference to him) is quite necessary. You should not have to live like that. It's not fair for ANY of you!

You are in my prayers.

CryssyeR said...

Hi Rachel,

I did lay that ultimatum down already - see a doctor or I will file for divorce. The problem is, he said the psychiatrist doesn't think he is depressed! I am pretty sure he was not very forthcoming with the doc or else the doctor got his degree from a box of Cracker Jax. I am thinking the former...In either case, there is no easy way to deal with this. DH thinks therapy is BS and therefore is not receptive to it. I have no other choice but to end this. Sad as it may be.

Thanks for your prayers.

Domestic Goddess said...

I hear what you are saying, but he is CLEARLY depressed. And passive-aggressive, and knows how to manipulate, so he knew how to make it seem like he wasn't depressed to the doc.
The thing is, even if you divorce him he is still involved in your son's life. So if he chooses to get no help, YOU may be rid of him but your child has to deal with him for the rest of HIS life. He is going to be toxic to your child now.
He needs to get on meds. I know you've said it to him before, but if you have to tatoo it on your forehead, that man needs to get on meds! Even if you threaten him with leaving. He HAS to do this.