Thursday, January 31, 2008

Worse News

Call from the "ex". We now have to "talk" about what is going to happen because, as he puts it, "It's gonna be a bloodbath for me" and "I'm gonna take quite a hit".

Can this day get any worse?

Bummer

I checked the realtor's website last night after receiving the pre-approval from the mortgage company. The house I loved, desperately wanted to see, is no longer listed. I am totally bummed. I really wanted to see it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. The house was a bit of a stretch financially and I realized that to take that on with all that is going on was not realistic. I don't even have a signed agreement of my buy out yet, so it was pretty unreasonable to believe that it was going to stay on the market forever. It was in a great neighborhood, which is why I wanted it. Still, I think it is kismet that it sold before I could see it and really get my hopes up.

Talked to the "ex" last night. He is meeting with some people for financial items today and will be ready to sit with me this weekend to review. We will be visiting the lawyers next week for the paperwork to be drawn up. Once I get that going, and he starts paying support, I can then be seriously looking for a new place.

One other place I liked is still out there. I have a few to see on Saturday, so hopefully that will give me an idea of what I am looking at.

I am still really bummed, but at least I know that is how the market goes. Something will turn up. And when it does, I hope to be ready to move forward.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Hanging In

Well, it's been a few days, but I have been amazingly busy. I had contacted a realtor who put me in touch with a mortgage consultant for a pre-approval. Guess what? I am approved for $250-300K all on my lil lonesome. Amazing. Of course, we wouldn't be able to eat, but hey! We'd live in a nice house! LOL

I set up appointments to start looking at houses with my new best friend, David. He is a realtor that my friend Darlene referred me to. He is wonderful and honest, and even stated that I should not get my hopes up just yet since the paperwork on the divorce has yet to be filed. He just wants me to keep a good perspective. We chatted a bit, learned about the kids we each have and so forth. Saturday we will be meeting up to look at the houses, so that should be cool. He just wants to get an idea of what I like so he can help me better.

I have driven by all the ones I had marked. The one that looked good on paper and perfect for me, was a block away from a bar. No way! The others are in quiet neighborhoods and seem to be in good condition. I don't want a home that I have to put a lot of money into right away. I have to have central air. And a decent kitchen. Those are my only real requirements.

I am still waiting to see if "he" will be able to get me the buy out amount. I know he is working on it because he has been holed up in the office every night for hours going through the paperwork. I wish I had that free time, too! I don't. I am used to it, but it would be nice if I could get my paperwork in order as well. I am also going to be calling a lawyer for a consultation on my own. I know I will have to take some time off of work for all this, but I have a plan. I have a week's vacation right now, but I earn a day a pay period. If I can hold out until next week, I won't have to dip into my vacation time. I want to save that for moving. Also, since we told Dino that we are taking him to Disney this year, I am NOT going to renege on that. I have a friend at work who has a timeshare and she is willing to let me use it in Orlando for a week. For $199. That's right, only $199. How cool is that? I figure sometime in November would be cool. Just me and Dino kicking around Disney. I can't wait. All in all, the entire trip would cost me about $1,000. If I went through Disney for it, it would be $1700. I am still trying to figure out what is the best way to go.

My sock knitting is not going quickly, but I am finally getting the hang of the DPNs. They are a real PITA to be sure. I just hope I can stick with it long enough to actually finish the other sock! LOL

Lastly, I am totally tired. I can't seem to wrap my head around things and I am feeling kinda numb. I pray that I can just keep pushing on without getting sick. I tend to get sick when I really stress out. Something tells me that I am heading there again if I am not careful. I am also eating less, since I am not really all that hungry most of the time. I even forgot to eat on Sunday and Monday until around 2 p.m. I got to get it together now.

Oh, and Dino has had 5 smiley faces a day since he started the Concerta. How's that for improvement? Prior to the meds, he had one smiley face. I am amazed and happy that it seems to be working out.

Off I go now. Later!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

You Won't Believe This One

Today was a day I wanted to get the spare room cleaned out so that I could put up a bed in there and stay there until I can move out. To do that, I needed "his" help since I could not lift things to put them in the attic. He decided he was taking Dino out to breakfast and then over to his sister's house. I am sure I was a hot topic of conversation. Anyway, before he left, he says,

"I'll make a deal with you - I'll help you clear out the room if you lay me."

I. KID. YOU. NOT.

It was all I could do not to hurl, scream, or run from the room in a total freak out.

No, he was totally not kidding. He kept saying "why not?". REALLY. I married the stupidist, most sleazy, tremendously vulgar man in America.

So, I told him to shove it in the nicest way possible. Then proceeded to clear out the room as much on my own as I could. Thankfully he arrived home and did assist - all the while making wise cracks like "you never did anything before why start now", or "wow, suddenly you are strong". I can't wait to get out of here.

On that note, he suddenly sprung it on me that he may not be able to get me the buy out I asked for. He said he needs time to work out how to afford it. I gave him until Thursday.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Better Today

Interesting what 24hours can bring. Not only did we have a rather civil night (with just one moment of ugly), we came up with a better agreement - a buy out for me so we can move on quicker. I thought it would only take a month or two for the divorce, but from what we heard it could take 6 months. That's ok. Gives me time to find a new place to live, which I will be able to afford now with the buy out.

I have discovered some cool Christian music from Plumb and Two 1 Crew that really speaks to me. Weird how something like this is actually bringing me back to the place I was spiritually when I left the convent. I need my connection now, and although I don't believe in getting on soap boxes, I have discovered a number of things lately that are what I used to call "confirmation" events. Things that come into view that show that I am being watched over. A mom of one of Dino's friends used to be a custody lawyer and gave me some great advice. A dad of another friend is a cop who offered to help me find a nice safe neighborhood in my price range. Another mom offered to sit for free while I settled this out. So much support from wonderful people has to be a blessing to sent to me. My family's support is so wonderful and I couldn't ask for better family. My parents don't know yet, but that's ok. They are visiting my sister in VA so I will tell them when they get back. Otherwise, I am feeling a good deal stronger today, and that is a blessing too.

Ramblings aside, faith will see me through, and will keep me up. I feel like I am getting back to where I was - happy-go-lucky with moral conviction. And it feels good.

Side note: I am also aware that I will be having ups and downs through this process. I am reveling now in the "up". Being realistic, I will have to face the fact that I have my down days. But we won't talk about them now :)

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dear Lord what have I done?

Ok, so I am emotional right now. I am scared. Actually, a more accurate term would be scared shitless. The talk last night was the hardest I have ever had. And it ain't over, folks. We decided to go through arbitration, a much cheaper and faster way to divorce if we agreed totally on how to split up. We did accomplish the big talk of how to split the major stuff. We still need to discuss how to split the little stuff. We are doing a 50/50 on most, with a small concession on my part for one thing. I thought that having this talk would be a relief. You know, having it out in the open and getting the truth out there. Instead, I am sick to my stomach and so nervous I want to cry all the time. I slept about 1 hour last night I was so distraught. How is Nick going to react? How are we going to co-parent him? What is this going to look like once it is all said and done? Am I doing the right thing? Should I just put up with things for the sake of keeping Nick in a non-broken home? I feel so isolated and alone. I have wonderful friends and fabulous family that will support me 100% in this decision, but I am sooooo scared anyway.

Ok, enough babbling. I have to go, fill you in later on more details.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I Did It

I asked DH for the divorce "offer". He actually had the nerve to act surprised, then pulled out a binder that he had with notes on how he wanted to split stuff up. Surprised, huh? Riiiiight. I will go into details tomorrow as it is late and I need to get Nick into bed. Many emotions swirling about my head and heart. Keep me in your prayers.

Been Illin', Not Chillin'

Last week was stressful and it is no wonder that I awoke on Saturday with a head cold and feeling lousy. Dino wasn't much better, with a fever and stomach issues. Good news is he took his Concerta NO PROBLEMO, largely thanks to DG's influence I bet. He stayed overnight with her on Thursday and he took his pill right away to show her how he could do it. Ever since then, he has been able to swallow the pill all on his lil lonesome. Hawesome. He has also had two GREAT days at school and if this keeps up, I will be broke since I promised him a new Wii game if he gets all 5 stars in one day. Sigh. The only upside is that I have beaten 32 of the 160 levels in Star Wars: The Complete Saga for the Wii. Wow. Freakin' cool! Dino had to help me beat the Emperor but that's fine with me. We played non-stop for 3 days (Dino was off Monday and I was sick, what better way to spend our time?). Yes, I am a bad mother, but dag-nabbit, we were having TONS of fun. Good enough for me.

So, the bad news. DH arrived home last night while I was cleaning up from dinner and announced that we needed to have a "conversation". He said that it was enough and if I said I wanted out, he would "make me an offer". I was incensed and said so. I replied that I didn't know what I was going to do. This was such a blatant lie, and I couldn't stop myself. I wanted him to say he wanted out too, but he wouldn't. I have NO IDEA what the heck my head was doing, but before I could stop myself, I said that I wanted him to know that I did care, and that I wanted more than anything for things to work out but I was frustrated and bitter. I should have jumped at the chance and said "Yes, make me an offer to split up our stuff." Oh, but no, dummy me had to try to fix things again. What the hell is wrong with me????

Ok, that was the bad news. Me being an idiot. No, things won't be getting back on track, and I've already acknowledged that he is not changing and I am not happy with having things stay status quo.

We continued our heated discussion in the hall, out of earshot (yeah, right) of Dino and said things I wanted to say. He insisted that he was trying, which I had to grudgingly acknowledge. But it wasn't enough, and I knew it. Did I say that? No, once again I chickened out. The reality is, I am scared and fear is keeping me from doing what needs to be done. Freakin' moron, that's me. I railed against the points he was trying to make, that he let Dino walk all over him, that he wants no responsibility for the things that were going on, that he couldn't even acknowledge that he was a total pr1ck for months. "That's in the past, it's behind me." He replied. Oh really? Well it doesn't excuse the behavior. I let him know that if he had just owned up to his crappy attitude and apologize for it, things would be different. But no, he wouldn't even make that tiny concession. So where did that leave me? As usual, I was expected to just pick up and move on, sweep the issues under the rug and ignore them until they became another mountain we had to overcome. I feel like there's a purple elephant in the room but I can't look at it or acknowledge it's existence or it will stampede right over me. God help me, I will force him to see that damn pachyderm. Then I wonder if it is really up to me to force him to see or do anything. I can't force change in another person.

So, here I am. I had time to sleep on it, and I find myself more convinced that I had my golden ticket and gave it away. Not that I think divorce would be easy or a good way to resolve issues, but I would at least have a path and not more of the same.

This is an agonizing decision! And I am lost in emotion right now. I can't see the forest for the trees. And all those other cliche's....

Worse yet, I forgot to call my older sis for her birthday. I forgot to send my nephew his birthday present. I am forgetting to do things that need to be done. The only thing I can do is function for the moment. I am really overwrought. I think I need to call the doc for that happy pill today.

Then I can feel good while my life falls apart. I need a hug.

Friday, January 18, 2008

3 Hours

That is how long it took to drive 30 miles last night. 3 hours of bumper to bumper, 2 mph, slipping and sliding traffic. 3 hours to run through a number of things in my head. Oh, hello Mr. Police Man. Sure, just cut right in front of me as I leave a car length between me and the truck up there. Sure, just slam your breaks on. Sure, I don't mind. I've only been sitting here for 10 minutes waiting to move around that car stuck on the side up there. A signal would have been nice, or at least a warning, but whatever. You own the road. Not me. Yes, I'm looking at you. What are you going to do about it? And why aren't you pulling over to help that stranded car? You suck, dude.

Yes, I think I cracked.

I had a number of these conversations in my car last night. It actually amused me.

I arrived home at 7:30 p.m. and promptly went to bed. I think the stress of the drive kept me awake, but it wasn't until around 9 that I finally fell asleep. Still, I felt rested this morning.

Dino went to DG's house because he is off today. DH called and offered to take him since the roads were bad. I was grateful for that, even when I found that he wanted to go to his Mom's anyway, so it was on his way. It was a good thing, too, because nothing was getting me back in that damn car....

Dino also had a super day yesterday. I gave him his meds at 6:30 a.m. and he took it himself! I was so proud. Then to see that he got all smiley faces for the day made me even happier. I really hope this is something that continues.

Well, I must get back to work. TGIF everyone!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Justice

I don't think I have ever mentioned how much hearing the thumping bass of someone's car stereo bothers me. I live on a main road and near a light. Every gansta car that passes by blaring their bass gets me all riled up. I am not sure why it bothers me so much, but I have often wished that I had some tech gadget that would signal their speakers to blow out.

Well, it looks like I am not alone in the universe on that thought.

Go here.

If only this was a reality!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Not Much Of An Update

Feeling low. Therapy on Monday night was not pretty, with the therapist telling me that I am depressed and should see a doctor about some medication. She doesn't want me to make "any decisions" until I have been on a happy pill for 3 weeks and can think with a clear head. I didn't tell her that I may be depressed but I have been thinking about this for months, if not years. Oh well. At least a happy pill will perk up my posts, huh?

I have been thinking lately that I am in a rut. Mid-life crisis? I am turning 40 this year. Except for a couple of gray hairs, I don't feel like I LOOK 40. As a matter of fact, I don't FEEL 40. So who says I have to be 40 this year, huh? Damn it, I want to be 30 instead. So, I am celebrating 30 (again) this year. Come to think of it, I was single at 30. Maybe that is why I want to get back there, huh? LOL

TaeBo kicked my butt last night. I got home from karate with Dino (where I "admired" Mr. HKG from a far with dirty thoughts running through my head - I know, I am shameless) later and went immediately to work out. It was about 7:20 p.m. by the time I started and I worked out until 8 p.m. DH, in his usual misery, had holed himself up after my workout so Dino and I watched American Idol auditions until I was able to come off the workout euphoria that I had going. Problem is, as sore and tired as I thought I was, I couldn't fall asleep. Maybe it was the palpable tension in the house, the high I was on from working out so hard, or the diet soda I had at 9:30 p.m. Whatever the reason, I was lying in bed at 11:30 p.m. staring at the ceiling, begging for sleep. 3:30 a.m. comes awful fast when you are up late! Still, I am not too sore today from my kickboxing workout, so that is good. My goal is to get down another 20 pounds before my family reunion this summer. That way, I will be under 200 lbs for the first time since high school. Yes, you read that right. 200 lbs. I am close. So close. And I think Mr. B. Blanks and his workout are going to get me there. 3 times a week for the TaeBo and two times a week for the stair stepper/weights. Toned and trim, that is my dream!

Speaking of dreams - yes, another one of Mr. HKG. But this one was different. I often cast furtive glances at him in real life as I don't want him to know I have the hots for him. Low self esteem or not, I just don't think he would be flattered to have a soon-to-be-40-year-old-overweight woman lusting after him. Or, maybe he would if he is kinda weird in the head. Whatever. My point is, the dream had a different spin where I was pursuing him and he was rebuffing me. Usually my dreams are about him and I having spontaneous and fabulous s-e-x. Instead, this dream had him toying with me - flirting one moment, ignoring me the next. It was strange and left me feeling rather petulant this morning. Gosh, even in my dreams I am not feeling the love! Ok, time to 'fess up to something. Whether it be Mr. HKG or someone else, my desire to have someone in my life that cares for me, respects me, and makes me laugh is VERY real...I usually consider myself an honorable person, but if Mr. HKG came up to me in real life and wanted me to bed him, I totally would. Does that make me a Ho?


I think I need to get that happy pill now.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Time Out

Not a pretty weekend. On Friday night, DH and I had an argument that lead to me telling him that I am no longer attracted to him and the reason was his treatment of me. He responded as I expected, angry and ugly. I really felt bad hurting him, but I had kept so much inside for so long, it just sort of spilled out. He lamented that I am "withholding" intimacy. I told him it was more than just "withholding", it was a lack of desire and why I had that lack of desire. Who wants to get jiggy with someone who treats you like crap most of the time? To me, that is just plain sick. I am not the kind of person that can just put my feelings aside like that. From there the conversation turned to splitting up and splitting everything 50-50. Except for the property that we are renting out that used to be his dad's. He wants me to sign that over 100%. Yeah right. Yes, he sold stock to get the down payment for it, but he took out a home equity loan on the house we live in to get the rest. To me, that means I have partial stock in it. I really don't want to have to pay a lawyer to fight this out, since that would be so expensive and would basically eat up anything that I am going to get in a settlement amount. He also kept saying that I never had anything and that I would never have anything without him. "I would think that you would be happy with everything that you have - all this," he says.

Well, if I was happy, would we be in this situation? Duh.

I told him that I felt that I was expecting him to change, and that I realize now that he never will. I was being unfair. I reminded him that he said he wasn't happy either in our last therapy appointment. That I made him feel bad with my mood swings, that I made him want to hide and get away from me. If he was so unhappy with me, why stay together? I asked him point blank - what do you want?

"Whatever you want."

See! He wants to push it off on someone else. He takes no responsibility for the decision. He just wants someone to blame, someone to take on the burden so he doesn't have to. "You just have to decide what you want to do," was his only reply. He said he didn't want a divorce, but I am realizing he is just saying that so he is not the bad guy. I will be forever the bitch, the one that brokeup our family.

Truth be told, I felt much better after the conversation. I was truthful, as painful as it was. I was honest and open and I said what I needed to. He did tear up, so I know that it affected him. I cried, too. This is not easy, and I don't have any self delusions to think it will get easier. Still, I feel better having got it out in the open.

Tonight is our second therapy appointment. I have no idea what it will bring, and I am not even sure why we are going. I want to show that we made a good-faith effort to the courts when we submit our divorce paperwork. In our state, the judge has the right to ask the applicants to attend therapy to see if there is a chance for reconciliation. I want to get that part out of the way so as not to delay the process longer than necessary.

My main concentration at this time is Dino. His meds didn't seem to have much of an affect on him (he started Concerta 18mg on Saturday) except to curb his appetite. I am giving it a week, but I intend to call the doctor to see if we can up the dose a little if this one continues to be ineffective. He was more clingy and emotional, which I know is a side affect, but he wasn't any more calm or less fidgety. I am really hoping that we can work this out soon.

Kind of a bummer of a post, but as you can see there is tons going on for me. I am also starting my first real sock pattern today. Wish me luck!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

What Homework?

True Story:

Dino and I rushed home last night from karate so that I could get in my new TaeBo and stepper workout. I remembered that he had homework and put it on the kitchen table as I ran through on my way to the second floor to change. When I finished changing, I called down to Dino, who was busy playing with his loud and obnoxious toys that his lovely uncle gave him for Christmas (who shall be punished, I might add):

"Don't forget, homework before play!" I called down the steps.

"What homework, mom?" He yelled back.

"I put it on the table, I'll help you in a moment."

"WHAT homework, mom?" He yelled again, this time stressing the 'what'.

"The homework on the table, in the folder."

"Again, I repeat, WHAT homework?" He said as he came to stand at the foot of the stairs.

He repeats? Where the heck does this stuff come from? I realized then that he was hinting at something (yes, I can be slow).

"You don't have any homework?" I asked as he started up the steps.

"No, I already did it!"

He was so proud of himself, really excited. I looked at him in wonder. He had done his homework himself? Really? My little 6 year old ADHD kid actually sat himself down and forced himself to work on a page of words? The homework that before Christmas would take me an hour of cajoling, pleading, begging, and threatening to get him to complete?

"Really?" I asked, looking at him in awe.

"Yes, really." He insisted with some exhasperation.

"Who are you, and what have you done with my kid? You must be an alien who took over his body!"

"Nuh-uh, mom, it's me! Dino!" He smiled and I smiled and then I went to check on his homework. Besides the slightly growing letters, he had actually completed the assignment correctly without direction. There is a first!

"Wow, I am really, really impressed, baby." I made sure to be very appreciative and verbal in my praise.

"Whatever. Can I go play now?"

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As promised, here are the pics of the seamed socks I am working on. Warning: they are NOT pretty!


Full sock - see the seam? If not, trust me, it's there. This picture did not come out great.


This is the heel. This one has a better view of the seam. I do like the pattern, but I think it is more for slippers than socks.....

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Socks, Shocks, and Stuff

My socks don't look like socks, y'all. They look like large slippers. When I get a chance, I'll post up a pic for you to review and snicker at. Yes, I said snicker, so what?

Still, I think it may be the fact that I am trying a two needle sock pattern that requires seaming, which for me has always been bulky. I really need to try a REAL pattern on 4 DPNs. Which I am not fond of using. So, after I finish my second slipper, I'll be on to the reals.

Had Dino's neurology appointment yesterday. The doctor was privileged to see Dino in all his unfettered, hyperactive glory. He really was exactly as he usually is and the doctor confirmed the diagnosis of ADHD, but then added that Dino is high moderate to severe ADHD, which I think shocked me a little. Since I deal with him on a daily basis, it never occurred to me that he would be severe in the hyperactivity or that others would find him so distracting. In any case, we are moving ahead with meds. Which I picked up last night at the pharmacy. Which DH failed to get Dino to take this morning. Happy I am not. DH claims that Dino "didn't want to take it after trying 3 times". I think DH wimped out like he always does and didn't want to fight Dino on making him take it. Which means I have to be the one to do it. I won't bore you with the "I am sick of this" rhetoric. As soon as I come up with the $1300 retainer fee, I'll be solving that problem.

After the appointment yesterday, Dino and I went to Dick's Sporting Goods and priced elliptical trainers. They were HUGE. And tres expensive. I know that I couldn't get one in my basement. Well, not exactly true. It would fit in the basement, but with the low ceilings, no one over 5 foot 2 inches would be able to use the thing. Since I am 5 foot 7 inches, I would be bashing my head on the ceiling.

I was sad, since this is the ONE thing that I really wanted to get (oh, the glider thingy is a few inches HIGHER than the one elliptical, so that won't work either. Sigh.) so I consoled myself with some light hearted shopping at Tar-Jay. I found a wonderful little stepping machine that was just the right height (and a good price). I took it home and stepped for about 10 minutes before my thighs felt like jello. I also purchased the Boot Camp Elite system from Billy Blanks. It really is a tough workout. I need to work up to it, but I did complete one 43 minute session. I didn't do ALL the moves, but enough that I was sweating up a storm and feeling the burn. Slow and steady is the name of the game here. I was happy with the workout and the moves, but the pace speeds up from time to time and at this point I can't keep up. So, I am modifying for now. This program along with the stepper and the exercise bike should keep me going for a bit. I need stuff that is mobile right now. I am still stuck at the same weight, and need to get things going again. I have another session with the stepper tonight, along with some boot camp stuff. Then I am hoping to get a calendar going where I do cardio then toning/weights on the opposite days. That worked for me before.

Speaking of Tar-Jay, it's amazing how much calmer it is during the week compared to the weekend. On weekends, people are rude, obnoxious, frenzied, and mean. During the week, they are just obnoxious. At least, just yesterday they were. And there are not as many people in the store, either. Dino and I found shoes, a toy, clothes, and exercise stuff all without being jostled or pushed. It was lovely.

Ok, back to work I go. I hope to have the two needles socks done today so I can show you just how silly they are. Happy knitting!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Cranky

I am cranky today. The sinus infection is still hanging around - I feel about 83.7% better than I had been, but still not completely over it. I will be calling the doc again on Monday to see if I can get some other meds that will kick this bug into deep space.

DH has been acting OVERLY nice the past two days. I am not blind, or stupid, but he seems to think that I have forgotten all about his crappy behavior for the past several months. I have not. He never apologizes, and never even acknowledges that he was a pr1ck. I can't talk to him in front of Dino, so I am left feeling frustrated and annoyed. Therefore, I am cranky. I want to tell him to shut up most of the time because he rambles on about stuff that I couldn't care less about. That also makes me cranky. He is overly concerned with what other people have, will have, or want to have. I am the polar opposite. I don't give a crap if Mr. and Mrs. Jones down the street have a new Escalade in their drive with the new chrome rims. I don't watch the neighbors pull in and out of their driveway to be sure they don't hit our grass (yes, you read that right). I also don't pay any attention to who makes what salary, where people work, what people wear, or what they drive. It is just not of interest to me. So it really irks me to no end that DH is so consumed by it. Obviously can't see the plank in his own eye these days. I think that is why I am thinking more and more of moving out instead of having him move out. I would rather live in an apartment happy than in a palace miserable.

Also, I think I am PMS'ing. Ya'll ladies know how that can be! Every little thing annoys and disgusts me. I think I need a nap.

Oh, and I have started on my first pair of socks! Down the unbeaten path I go....

Thursday, January 3, 2008

WSI of '07,1; Me,2

Update on the Wicked Sinus Infection of '07 that continues to taunt me with snotty goodness - I have been on antibiotics since Monday(sorry if I didn't mention that earlier) and taking a host of sinus clearing meds. Finally, this afternoon, my nasal passages started to clear, the fog started lifting from my brain, and my eyes became deglazed (is that a word?). My ears are still clogged, but slowly there is progress. Hopefully I can get a really good night's sleep tonight and feel even better in the morning. Feeling sick sucks. Feeling better - priceless!

Oh, and here is the glider-thingy I mentioned before:
Must Have Glider-thingy. And, it is at the right price! ON SALE. Can't beat that. Will order tomorrow.

Leaner thighs, here I come!

Wicked Sinus Infection of '07, 1; Me, zip

So my ears are STILL clogged, my face is swollen and red, my eyes glazed over, and my throat is on fire. The Wicked Sinus Infection of '07 has lingered to make the first few days of the new year a living hell for me. Interestingly enough, I found that I can still manage to get through a day when my head feels like someone snuck 20lbs worth of rock between my ears as I slept. I can even make dinner, clean up, play with Dino, watch HOURS of Avatar DVDs, and give Dino a bath with my ears popping and my head throbbing. It's amazing, really. I had asked DH to make dinner for Dino last night while I rested, and after his 15 minutes of hemming, hawing, complaining and moaning, I freaked and just did it myself. Typical. If I can't count on him to "help" when I am sick, or pitch in when I am not, what is left? Hypothetical question - what is this man good for anyway?

Also, I found that I simply cannot put off the inevitable - I MUST buy that glider-thingy for my exercise. I received a little bonus at work for my efforts last quarter, and it is enough to purchase said glider-thingy. I need something that is easy on my joints. Although I have dropped 45 pounds and I am slimmer than I have been in years, my joints are also (gasp!) older than I care to admit. So the glider-thingy would really help me in my quest for Resolution #1.

My increased focus on getting myself to a happy place has highlighed one important detail - I need to branch out in my knitting into something a little more advanced than scarves, wraps, ponchos and the occasional hat or sweater. My biggest thing is that I am impatient. I don't like the fact that it takes weeks (for me, I am not the fastest knitter) to complete a larger project like a sweater or vest. And, I mentioned before that blocking is not my favorite thing in the world (ranks right up there with scrubbing the toilet or cleaning up puke). I wanted to get into fulling/felting, but that became more time consuming as well - not to mention the fact that I dislike the smell of wet wool to an unreasonable degree. So, I have come upon a crossroads - the path to the left is the same old stuff I know and feel comfortable with. The path to the right has new and exciting projects filled with intarsia, turned heels, and double pointed needles that will challenge me to reach new heights of fiber artistry.

Interestingly enough, that could be a similie for my life. Staying on the same path leads to more of the same - even if it is painful, dull or frustrating, it is familiar and provides a sense of security. Veering off the path leads to enlightenment and growth even if there is pain or frustration at first.

Have to get back to work now. More feverish ramblings later!

(P.S. Another steamy dream last night with Mr. HKG. Sigh. How does one control one's subconscious?)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

They Say You Want A Resolution

Ok, bad pun. I am in hysterics though, having properly doped up on sinus meds to fight the Wicked Infection of '07. Almost everything is funny to me right now. Including DH calling me to tell me he doesn't feel well. Oh my, poor dear (sarcasm heavy, folks). For the past 4 days straight, I have barely moved from the couch since it would have entailed me lifting my head higher than a 45 degree angle, which results in excruciating pain. I still had to take care of Dino and I managed to cook dinner two nights in a row. Do I get sympathy? Pity? Compassion? Ummm, no. Not even a sidewards glance as DH stomped around the house, cursing under his breath. Most of the time, DH was hiding in that dark cave I call HIS bedroom. I did not matter, and my illness did not matter. Oh well, no matter! HA!

In my feverish state (at work and still feeling like I belong in the bottom of a cess pool) I came up with three very important resolutions for the new year....

GeekChick's Resolutions for 2008

1. Slim and tone. Having been low carb for awhile now, I have the hang of it, I just need to get back to being faithful and getting in my workouts. Once the fever passes that is....

2. Resolve marital difficulty. One way or the other. I said in November that I would give it 6 months from the time DH started therapy. I don't know if I can hold to that. DH is wavering on the therapy thing. I set a new deadline for the end of February. That is all my sanity will stand.

3. Give up fantasy man. Yes, it is true. Time to put my crush on Mr. HKG away and realize that a) he's too young for me anyway, b) not too good to be having dreams of hot monkey sex with another man while you are married, and c) he's too young for me. It was good while it lasted, but a Chick has to grow up sooner or later. I just have to convince my sub-conscious which has been betraying me lately with dreams of hot monkey sex dressed in a karate Gi. Oh my.

Knit on Chicks!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Sickies Back Again

Looks like I didn't escape the year without a down and dirty sinus infection. It started Saturday and is really kicking my butt. I should have called the doctor on Saturday but I waited until yesterday. Still, I did get some medication and I am just waiting for it to work it's magic. I was really thinking that I would beat this, but apparantly, not so. I think the stress of things is just getting to me.

My sis's post yesterday gave me pause to think - if allowing DH’s depression to ruin our lives is a choice. I know that I am not able to control his depression, nor am I able to "save" him from it. All I can do is control how I react to it. I have to think on this some more. Depression makes people totally different from who they were. The thing is, DH has been miserable and mean since Dino was born. I can barely remember the man that used to be.

I do know that I care about him, and that I want Dino to have a productive relationship with his dad. I need to think about this some more. I am not sure I am ready to end this, but I don't see how to shock DH into getting the help he deserves without such a drastic step.

Maybe I am just feverish....