Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Been Illin', Not Chillin'

Last week was stressful and it is no wonder that I awoke on Saturday with a head cold and feeling lousy. Dino wasn't much better, with a fever and stomach issues. Good news is he took his Concerta NO PROBLEMO, largely thanks to DG's influence I bet. He stayed overnight with her on Thursday and he took his pill right away to show her how he could do it. Ever since then, he has been able to swallow the pill all on his lil lonesome. Hawesome. He has also had two GREAT days at school and if this keeps up, I will be broke since I promised him a new Wii game if he gets all 5 stars in one day. Sigh. The only upside is that I have beaten 32 of the 160 levels in Star Wars: The Complete Saga for the Wii. Wow. Freakin' cool! Dino had to help me beat the Emperor but that's fine with me. We played non-stop for 3 days (Dino was off Monday and I was sick, what better way to spend our time?). Yes, I am a bad mother, but dag-nabbit, we were having TONS of fun. Good enough for me.

So, the bad news. DH arrived home last night while I was cleaning up from dinner and announced that we needed to have a "conversation". He said that it was enough and if I said I wanted out, he would "make me an offer". I was incensed and said so. I replied that I didn't know what I was going to do. This was such a blatant lie, and I couldn't stop myself. I wanted him to say he wanted out too, but he wouldn't. I have NO IDEA what the heck my head was doing, but before I could stop myself, I said that I wanted him to know that I did care, and that I wanted more than anything for things to work out but I was frustrated and bitter. I should have jumped at the chance and said "Yes, make me an offer to split up our stuff." Oh, but no, dummy me had to try to fix things again. What the hell is wrong with me????

Ok, that was the bad news. Me being an idiot. No, things won't be getting back on track, and I've already acknowledged that he is not changing and I am not happy with having things stay status quo.

We continued our heated discussion in the hall, out of earshot (yeah, right) of Dino and said things I wanted to say. He insisted that he was trying, which I had to grudgingly acknowledge. But it wasn't enough, and I knew it. Did I say that? No, once again I chickened out. The reality is, I am scared and fear is keeping me from doing what needs to be done. Freakin' moron, that's me. I railed against the points he was trying to make, that he let Dino walk all over him, that he wants no responsibility for the things that were going on, that he couldn't even acknowledge that he was a total pr1ck for months. "That's in the past, it's behind me." He replied. Oh really? Well it doesn't excuse the behavior. I let him know that if he had just owned up to his crappy attitude and apologize for it, things would be different. But no, he wouldn't even make that tiny concession. So where did that leave me? As usual, I was expected to just pick up and move on, sweep the issues under the rug and ignore them until they became another mountain we had to overcome. I feel like there's a purple elephant in the room but I can't look at it or acknowledge it's existence or it will stampede right over me. God help me, I will force him to see that damn pachyderm. Then I wonder if it is really up to me to force him to see or do anything. I can't force change in another person.

So, here I am. I had time to sleep on it, and I find myself more convinced that I had my golden ticket and gave it away. Not that I think divorce would be easy or a good way to resolve issues, but I would at least have a path and not more of the same.

This is an agonizing decision! And I am lost in emotion right now. I can't see the forest for the trees. And all those other cliche's....

Worse yet, I forgot to call my older sis for her birthday. I forgot to send my nephew his birthday present. I am forgetting to do things that need to be done. The only thing I can do is function for the moment. I am really overwrought. I think I need to call the doc for that happy pill today.

Then I can feel good while my life falls apart. I need a hug.