Feeling low. Therapy on Monday night was not pretty, with the therapist telling me that I am depressed and should see a doctor about some medication. She doesn't want me to make "any decisions" until I have been on a happy pill for 3 weeks and can think with a clear head. I didn't tell her that I may be depressed but I have been thinking about this for months, if not years. Oh well. At least a happy pill will perk up my posts, huh?
I have been thinking lately that I am in a rut. Mid-life crisis? I am turning 40 this year. Except for a couple of gray hairs, I don't feel like I LOOK 40. As a matter of fact, I don't FEEL 40. So who says I have to be 40 this year, huh? Damn it, I want to be 30 instead. So, I am celebrating 30 (again) this year. Come to think of it, I was single at 30. Maybe that is why I want to get back there, huh? LOL
TaeBo kicked my butt last night. I got home from karate with Dino (where I "admired" Mr. HKG from a far with dirty thoughts running through my head - I know, I am shameless) later and went immediately to work out. It was about 7:20 p.m. by the time I started and I worked out until 8 p.m. DH, in his usual misery, had holed himself up after my workout so Dino and I watched American Idol auditions until I was able to come off the workout euphoria that I had going. Problem is, as sore and tired as I thought I was, I couldn't fall asleep. Maybe it was the palpable tension in the house, the high I was on from working out so hard, or the diet soda I had at 9:30 p.m. Whatever the reason, I was lying in bed at 11:30 p.m. staring at the ceiling, begging for sleep. 3:30 a.m. comes awful fast when you are up late! Still, I am not too sore today from my kickboxing workout, so that is good. My goal is to get down another 20 pounds before my family reunion this summer. That way, I will be under 200 lbs for the first time since high school. Yes, you read that right. 200 lbs. I am close. So close. And I think Mr. B. Blanks and his workout are going to get me there. 3 times a week for the TaeBo and two times a week for the stair stepper/weights. Toned and trim, that is my dream!
Speaking of dreams - yes, another one of Mr. HKG. But this one was different. I often cast furtive glances at him in real life as I don't want him to know I have the hots for him. Low self esteem or not, I just don't think he would be flattered to have a soon-to-be-40-year-old-overweight woman lusting after him. Or, maybe he would if he is kinda weird in the head. Whatever. My point is, the dream had a different spin where I was pursuing him and he was rebuffing me. Usually my dreams are about him and I having spontaneous and fabulous s-e-x. Instead, this dream had him toying with me - flirting one moment, ignoring me the next. It was strange and left me feeling rather petulant this morning. Gosh, even in my dreams I am not feeling the love! Ok, time to 'fess up to something. Whether it be Mr. HKG or someone else, my desire to have someone in my life that cares for me, respects me, and makes me laugh is VERY real...I usually consider myself an honorable person, but if Mr. HKG came up to me in real life and wanted me to bed him, I totally would. Does that make me a Ho?
I think I need to get that happy pill now.