Not a pretty weekend. On Friday night, DH and I had an argument that lead to me telling him that I am no longer attracted to him and the reason was his treatment of me. He responded as I expected, angry and ugly. I really felt bad hurting him, but I had kept so much inside for so long, it just sort of spilled out. He lamented that I am "withholding" intimacy. I told him it was more than just "withholding", it was a lack of desire and why I had that lack of desire. Who wants to get jiggy with someone who treats you like crap most of the time? To me, that is just plain sick. I am not the kind of person that can just put my feelings aside like that. From there the conversation turned to splitting up and splitting everything 50-50. Except for the property that we are renting out that used to be his dad's. He wants me to sign that over 100%. Yeah right. Yes, he sold stock to get the down payment for it, but he took out a home equity loan on the house we live in to get the rest. To me, that means I have partial stock in it. I really don't want to have to pay a lawyer to fight this out, since that would be so expensive and would basically eat up anything that I am going to get in a settlement amount. He also kept saying that I never had anything and that I would never have anything without him. "I would think that you would be happy with everything that you have - all this," he says.
Well, if I was happy, would we be in this situation? Duh.
I told him that I felt that I was expecting him to change, and that I realize now that he never will. I was being unfair. I reminded him that he said he wasn't happy either in our last therapy appointment. That I made him feel bad with my mood swings, that I made him want to hide and get away from me. If he was so unhappy with me, why stay together? I asked him point blank - what do you want?
"Whatever you want."
See! He wants to push it off on someone else. He takes no responsibility for the decision. He just wants someone to blame, someone to take on the burden so he doesn't have to. "You just have to decide what you want to do," was his only reply. He said he didn't want a divorce, but I am realizing he is just saying that so he is not the bad guy. I will be forever the bitch, the one that brokeup our family.
Truth be told, I felt much better after the conversation. I was truthful, as painful as it was. I was honest and open and I said what I needed to. He did tear up, so I know that it affected him. I cried, too. This is not easy, and I don't have any self delusions to think it will get easier. Still, I feel better having got it out in the open.
Tonight is our second therapy appointment. I have no idea what it will bring, and I am not even sure why we are going. I want to show that we made a good-faith effort to the courts when we submit our divorce paperwork. In our state, the judge has the right to ask the applicants to attend therapy to see if there is a chance for reconciliation. I want to get that part out of the way so as not to delay the process longer than necessary.
My main concentration at this time is Dino. His meds didn't seem to have much of an affect on him (he started Concerta 18mg on Saturday) except to curb his appetite. I am giving it a week, but I intend to call the doctor to see if we can up the dose a little if this one continues to be ineffective. He was more clingy and emotional, which I know is a side affect, but he wasn't any more calm or less fidgety. I am really hoping that we can work this out soon.
Kind of a bummer of a post, but as you can see there is tons going on for me. I am also starting my first real sock pattern today. Wish me luck!