Thursday, February 28, 2008

Happy Little Pill

Ok, so I have been listening to Alanis Morrisette alot lately. Her Jagged Little Pill albumn speaks to you when you are facing a breakup and breakdown. Something about her strange voice fluctuations is oddly comforting and soothing to me.

I had my doctor appointment today. Yes, I am depressed. Yes, I am having panic attacks. Yes, I have insomnia. And we determined that I am suffering from these due to the following:
  • Divorce

  • Not knowing where we'll live

  • Worrying about Dino

  • Worrying about money

  • Facing change at work

  • Just a few things have been on my mind, huh?

    I am pleased to report that I have in my possession a newly filled prescription of happy pills. I will start them tomorrow. I also have to keep a journal to record my feelings and stuff for my next appointment in 4 weeks. Do you think my blog would count?

    Another issue that received some closure today was my poor Xterra. Finally got it back today. To the tune of $899. I know I said I wouldn't complain since I have had it 8 years and never had any issues with it, but $899??? That just about caused another panic attack today. I can't hope to get a house if I don't have any money, right?

    Speaking of houses, I have an appointment to see a townhome tomorrow in a nice area that is tucked behind a school and park. I hope it is as good as it looks online. If so, I may have to push Tony to get the paperwork done this week so I can make an offer. It would mean a nice sized home in a quiet area with no outside maintenance. How cool is that? Not getting my hopes up, because it is in a "condo community" which means condo fees on top of the mortgage. If that is so, I may not be able to afford it. But, I refuse to pay $925 a month in rent when this house would be around $945 for the mortgage....wish me luck!

    Ok, need to get ready for bed now. I'll check in tomorrow.

    Wednesday, February 27, 2008

    Panic Attacks

    Oh my. As if things weren't bad enough, I am now experiencing panic attacks. I have never had them before. I get this feeling of overwhelming dread, and then suddenly, I can't breathe and I start to shake. Not liking this. I am still getting over my illness, and I am trying hard to keep a clear mind, but it is just too much right now.

    I slept a grand total of 5 hours last night. I woke up every hour on the hour starting at midnight. I finally gave up at 3 a.m. and got ready for work. I looked around and realized all that I am going to have to be responsible for. No one really knows this feeling until they face it. Being a single parent is daunting enough, but having to fully support my son is scaring me to death. I am seriously doubting my ability to manage on my own. What on earth will I do? I hope to the heavens that my doctor prescribes something for me to take the edge off of this.

    On a different note, I have been looking into apartments in the area - $925 for a 2 bedroom. Heck, for just $200 more I could be paying mortgage on a house. My sister, DG, recommended I move back into the area she is in, so that I would have family support and help with Dino. While this sounds inviting, I am not able to do so until the custody and divorce is finalized. Those are the rules. So I am left floundering to decide where to live. I don't know what to do, and that is what is causing the anxiety attacks. I am scared to death of doing this all on my own.

    I did find a reasonable apartment complex nearby, but I don't know if they have availability right now. I will be calling them today. In all the thinking I have done in the past 24 hours, I realized that I don't necessarily have to make this decision today. The papers aren't even re-written yet. After that, I will have 60 days from the time I get the settlement money to find a place to live. Tony is not in a bad way because he gets to live with his Mom and he will retain ownership of the house in PA that is currently rented. He plans on taking over one of the floors as his own in the future. He has nothing to worry about. And that bugs me even more. I know I have said in the past that I would rather be happy in a hovel than miserable in a palace, but it isn't that simple. All I want is a nice place for my son to live so that we can rebuild our lives and be happy.

    Happy. That has a nice ring to it. Can someone tell me how to concentrate on the happy and not on the scary?

    Tuesday, February 26, 2008

    Common Thread

    I have been searching for the inner courage that I need to go through all of this when I decided to go back and re-read my posts from January through today. Wow. Am I messed up or what?

    Good news is, I have an appointment with the doctor for Thursday to go on depression meds. I know that will help.

    Other good news, I have discovered a common thread in my posts. It's all about the fear, folks. Fear of rejection, fear of revenge, fear of the unknown, fear, fear, fear!

    I have lived almost my entire life in fear of one thing or another. How to over come? Hey, I know, how about forcing yourself and those around you to go into a major life altering process that will tear the very fabric of your fragile world apart? If that don't help conquer the fear, I don't know what will. It's like those people that jump out of planes to get over their fear of heights - extreme and freaky, but freeing.

    So, raise a toast and let's hope that this process is just as freeing - even if I can't see straight from all the anxiety right now.

    Dream Another Dream, This Dream Is Over

    True to form, Tony flat out refused to hear me about a possibility of reconciling. Sure, I know I hurt him (as he has hurt me over the years) and he says he can't trust me now. He says that he doesn't deserve to live a life where he is constantly wondering if I am going to leave him or not. This may be true, but what about all the times I forgave him? Like when he threatened to kill me. That didn't do much for my trust in him, I can tell you. But I forgave and allowed him a chance to rebuild that trust. That chance he won't give me now. What about all the crap I have put up with? Doesn't that count for something?

    Apparently not in his mind.

    I have to be honest with myself. I knew that he would not rise above. I knew that he would never let me back into his heart and life. I knew it and I still tried. Does that make me an idiot or a sucker?

    And being further honest, I am facing reality. The relationship is sick. It is not healthy and with Tony's refusal to accept responsibility, it never would be. I put in a last ditch effort to save my marriage out of fear, sadness, and a desire to make things right for Dino. I have my answer and now must somehow muster all my courage to walk out with dignity and self respect.

    Excuse me while I go cry into my coffee now.....

    Sunday, February 24, 2008

    ...In Which She Has Regrets

    For some reason, the past few days I have been dreaming of Tony and I. Times when we were actually happy (which seemed few and far between back when I made the decision to leave him) and those times when we were content to just be together. We actually had a pretty good ride. Yes, he is controlling and OCD. But I am the enabler. Yes, he made me miserable. Wait. Did I just type that? He made me miserable? Did he really? This past week I have had to find that no one can actually make you anything. If I was miserable, that was my own doing. I let it affect me. I used it as an excuse. Misery loves company, right?

    I was priding myself in my new found self awareness and confidence. I can do this whole thing on my own. I still believe that. However, I am a firm believer in signs. Remember I posted that earlier? Well, I was praying last week for Big G to send me some kind of sign to know what the right course of action is because I am having serious doubts. Doing this because I want out is one thing. Is it the right thing? I rarely post anything of religious nature - not because I don't have faith, but because I feel religion is extremely personal. I have deep faith and deep beliefs, I just don't feel the need or the "right" to trumpet it on high.

    Having said that, these dreams are really strange. It's like watching a home video of events and interacting with the people and events as they happen. And to make things more complicated for me, Tony has been very accommodating, helpful, and downright congenial - much like he was when we first got together. Dino's illness this week has highlighted the fact that we have a deep commitment to our son. That made me realize that I have overlooked the one thing that should have been foremost in my mind from the day that Tony and I started having issues - love. There is still love there. I don't know how else to say it - I love him. I have loved him from day one.

    A friend of mine recently consoled me after a rather nasty exchange with Tony where he said that he hated me with a passion. She stated, "There has to be love there. Nothing happens with passion without love." Of course, that got me thinking. I agree to an extent. However, I don't think that it is as simple as that.

    Making my head spin further was an exchange that Tony and I had last night after giving Dino his breathing treatment in an attempt to stop the continual coughing (non-stop for several hours). Tony was sitting on my bed and watching Dino sleep. He seemed vulnerable all of a sudden. He didn't seem like he wanted to move. We chatted about nothing in general, but I could feel that there was more he wanted to say. There was more I wanted to say. I chickened out. I have already been told that there was no way in hell he would reconcile with me now (out of his own mouth) but I could feel his doubts last night. Did I jump ship too quickly before giving him a chance to make amends?

    I know that he had not been particularly nice to me since I said I wanted a divorce. I have to think about how it feels to have someone come home and say - "I don't want you anymore" after 10 years of being together. I was also reminded that he has been rather nasty on occasion over the years. Well, goodness knows I have not been a princess or a saint. I think my biggest sin is telling too much about my private life to people around me. Did they really need to know that Tony called me "trailer trash"? Not really. I just wanted them to commiserate with my pain and validate my anger. In my year long self searching that I have done, I have determined that I rely WAY too much on bolstering the troops around me, instead of having the certainty of self to stand on my own.

    Ok, self reflections aside, the doubts are practically drowning me. I believe that the dreams are signs but I am not sure what they are for. If we stop the divorce now (and that WOULD take a miracle for Tony to give up his hard exterior long enough to forgive me for this mess) it would be a massive feat to get back on track, but it is possible if he is willing. Open dialogue would be vital. Or we can continue down this road, divorce and go our separate ways, and possibly give up on the relationship that Big G wants us to have.

    Or, it could just be the fever talking.

    Friday, February 22, 2008

    One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest

    Dino is almost over the Flu. I say "almost" because he now has a cough that sounds nasty. I have him on Mucinex for Children and that is really helping it to break up.

    Due to the weather this morning, most of my team did not get into work. I was going to take a sick day as I am now suffering from illness. I am 100% sure it is a sinus infection due to the pressure, the sore throat from the post nasal drip and the fever. I am self medicating at this time. I took Mucinex D myself, and used a product called SinuCleanse. I will not go into detail on the SinuCleanse stuff as it is pretty disgusting to describe, but it really, really works on breaking up the crap in the nasal passage and helps to get it out. Look it up for a full description on how it works.

    So, now that we are BOTH sick, Dino and I are just kicking at home while I try to work a little since most of the team is out of the office and can't work remotely. Tony went to work, and thank goodness. I really am having a hard time being in the same house as him. I knew it was going to be tough, but I didn't think it would be as bad as it is. After meeting with the lawyer yesterday, and talking about stuff, there are a few changes we can make to the agreement. I had to retain him to the tune of $2,000 - my entire savings at this point. He said that the 2K was for 10 hours worth of work and that he would return any unused portion to me. He said that he doubted it would take 10 hours to settle this out. I hope not. I would like to get some money back.

    Speaking of money, I am waiting for the call on my truck today. I did get a call back from the Regional Administrator for Nissan's Consumer Relations. What a total waste of time. They are not paying for the rental and that if I wanted to, I can take it up with the owner of the dealership. Happy I was not. I even asked what was the point of them existing if they were not going to hold the dealers accountable for f-ing up and causing grief to their customers. All they do is lodge the complaint. That is IT. I am not going to encourage anyone to buy a Nissan from Concordville Nissan. They really don't care about their customers. I am going to send a letter to the owner, but I doubt I will get any satisfaction.

    So, in saying that, the RA did state that the part did arrive yesterday and I should have my precious Xterra back today. I really can't wait. Although the loaner car is nice, I miss my truck. I will never take it to this dealership again, to be sure.

    One last interesting thing: I called Dino's school yesterday to call in his absentee. Mr. HKG's mom picked up the line and was talking to someone else. I tried to say hello, but she didn't hear me. In fact, she was saying; "...he broke up with her. My older son broke up with his girlfriend 2 weeks before Valentine's day. We call him "The Ditcher" . CLICK. Wait, what?

    I called back, but this time did get the automated line. After leaving my message I realized what she was saying. Mr. HKG is single. Problem is, I didn't know he had a brother, so I have no idea if Mr. HKG is the older one they call "The Ditcher" or the younger one that just broke up. I find it ironic and funny that I would just HAPPEN to hear this. I am a firm believer in signs that are given to us. I just don't know if this is a sign of something positive happening in my life or not. Since I have noticed an increase in attention from HKG lately, and we know that I am way interested in him, it could be a sign of good things to come once we have the divorce all worked out. Just to be safe, I am keeping my options open :)

    ***Update: Just spoke to Tony and he was annoyed that I had not 'discussed changes to the agreement' with him rather than have my lawyer write a response. I reminded him that he was the one that left it on the table without a word and that HE did not discuss anything with me so this is how I thought he wanted to handle it. How was I supposed to know? We went over the points that I had issue with and found out some sticking points were not what I thought they were. Then, I lost my mind and starting asking him about his family and why they didn't call me and try to talk me out of this - he stated that they did and he told them not to call as "she has her mind made up". Wow. They totally let him control their actions! That is really amazing. I felt better about that, realizing that they did not just turn on the hate the way that he did. I was disappointed that they didn't call just because he said not to. I even allowed the weakness to over come me and said that I still cared for him but wanted him to take accountability for himself. I wouldn't have taken this route if I thought that the quality of our relationship would improve and I wouldn't be miserable all the time. All it took was for him to grow up and stop waiting for everyone to take care of him. Once in a while he had to take care of someone else. He rushed off the phone at that point. He didn't want to hear it. I am sad again. Not so much for us, or even for me, but for him. He is just plain clueless. No wonder he is so controlling. They all LET him be controlling. I do not. I know that I am doing the right thing for me. It may not be a bed of roses but at least it won't be a pile of sh-ia-t either.

    Wednesday, February 20, 2008

    Where Do We Go From Here?

    So I have gotten over the initial shock of my settlement paperwork. I have a meeting with the lawyer tomorrow and hope to have some other things straightened out. I am totally sure I no longer have anyone visiting my dismal blog anyway, but I won't go into details and bore you with them. I just want to be sure I protect Dino and myself as much as I can. I won't walk away from this rich, and that was never my intention. I just want what is equitable so that I can start a new life with Dino and not have him suffer because his dad is being unrealistic.

    Having said that, I have not put as much thought and energy into what happens when the agreement is signed and I have only 60 days to "vacate the premisis". Without the settlement money, I will not be able to pay for the downpayment on a home, which was my intention. Without enough child support, I will not be able to afford a home or to keep Dino in his activities. I worry about things that I probably shouldn't even think about right now. Like, how do I get Dino to school? Will I have enough time to spend with him on a daily basis? Will I have enough patience to be a single parent?

    I have a plan. Really. I just know that I don't always think of everything. That is why I run things by other people. Like my friend Sharon who reminded me to make sure I have provisions in the settlement for Dino's care on his dad's weekends if his dad gets sick or can't watch him. Or my friend Rudina who said that I had to be sure that Dino's accounts were accessible and not hidden. And my darling sister MJ who is allowing her husband to help me work out a budget that I can live on and still afford to pay mortgage. Yes, I have a plan. Settle, buy a house, start new life. Sounds easy huh?



    I gave up on the sock, folks. I dropped several stitches turning the heel. It was WAY too time consuming to rip back and I realized that I had lost the pattern to begin with, so that complicated things as well. So, I ripped it all out. I am now looking for "short" sock patterns for the spring and then I will try again.



    Oh, and finally, the car. My poor car. The part is shipping from California by freight truck. Not overnight, but driving little by little across the states. The truck is not due to arrive until Friday. Which means my dear Xterra is captive until then. I called Nissan today to complain on how badly this was handled. I opened a complaint against the service department at the dealership. The part not arriving is not their problem, but their lack of concern and lack of communication is. They are rude and demeaning to women as well. However, when I finally got ahold of the service manager, I was given a loaner to replace my rental Ford Escape (which I asked Nissan to pay for since they fouled this up so much). This time I am driving a Suburu Outback. It is pretty cool. When I first got in and started to drive it was in "sport" mode which is a strange version of manual transmission. There is just no clutch pedal. It can be automatic or manual. How strange and really, really cool. I didn't realize how much I missed driving a stick shift. However, I think I will leave it in automatic for the rest of the time I have the car. Mostly. What is cool is being able to test drive these cars. The Escape was pretty cool. I liked it alot, actually. The Outback is cool for the pseudo-manual transmission. However, I miss my Xterra. I can't wait until it is back home.



    Later gators!

    Monday, February 18, 2008

    Yeah, Right Buddy

    Hellish weekend - Dino was sick, I got sick, and Tony served me with papers this morning. The chicken-shit left it on the table for me after I went to bed. Nice.

    Of most interest to me is the part of the settlement that says he is only going to pay $300 a month in child support. Right. Like that is going to happen. Not only did the papers undervalue our home and the house in PA, stipulate that I have to pay back the fence - to Tony for him to put in Dino's savings, but the child support states that he is paying $300 a month and 1/2 the tuition for school and aftercare. Who does he think he is kidding? Not only is $300 a month impossible for me to support Dino off of (it won't even cover his insurance, his food and lodging, and any activities that WE enroll him in), but the papers state that we have JOINT custody. This is not so. We agreed before to my having primary custody. He is only putting that in there to avoid paying child support. What a fucking weasel! So much for his not using Dino as a pawn, huh?

    Nice dream world you live in my friend. Prepare to be rudely awakened.

    UPDATE:
    Called home from work at 10 am to ask if Tony had taken Dino's temp and given him some meds. No on all counts. Tony was sleeping and Dino was watching TV. I basically reminded him that he is supposed to be taking care of Dino and not sleeping. He needed to check Dino's temp and give him medicine. I was quite peeved and let him know about it. I also reamed him for the pathetic settlement agreement. It then occurred to me that it really wasn't all that unfair. Yes, $300 is low for a monthly payment, but he did agree to pay 1/2 tuition, 1/2 of the after care expenses, and 1/2 of the summer camp. That alone equals out to be about another $400 per month over the year. Still, there is no way I can support Dino on such a small amount. I will counter with another amount and see what happens. In any case, when I arrived home, I found that Dino had hardly eaten anything all day, that Tony didn't push the fluids, and that he says Dino didn't want anything. Then, as soon as I took Dino's temp (100.1 thankyouverymuch), Tony disappears into the bedroom again. I could just scream.

    Thursday, February 14, 2008

    $707

    That is how much it is going to cost to repair the severed brake line, coolant line, and corroded heat sheild which did the severing. Add $60 for the two days of rental car. (Which I found out I didn't have to rent after I did it- Tony offered one of his vehicles, but I was already committed. Still, it was strangely nice of him to offer.)

    $707 is all it takes to repair my darling 8 year old Xterra and bring it back from the grave.

    Just $707 is all. Problem is, it will seriously eat into the money I was putting away. Sigh. Is there a Bundy cloud following me around?

    *****************************************

    On a different note, after my 4 hour ordeal of breaking down, waiting for a tow, waiting for the dealer to get me a rental, etc. I was surprised that Tony had dinner waiting for me when I got in and was willing to let me go to karate (which I did even if Dino did not). I went and our instructor last night is a former Navy Captain who is 63 but is in incredible shape. He is a good teacher, if a bit rough for my taste. I got knocked down a couple of times too, and that was funny. Need to learn how to fall I think! Learned a couple of new moves and I was pretty sore on the way out. Captain stopped me and told me that I did "excellent" in the class and that he didn't want to feed my ego, but I was nearly perfect in my execution of moves. Wow. That was good to hear, especially since I felt pretty banged up. On the way out, I jokingly said "Owwww..." as I walked by Mr. HKG and Mr. CKG. They laughed but said that it does get easier. I asked if Captain was the toughest instructor, but HKG said that he thought Sensei was. Since I only had her for the warm up, I wouldn't know, I reminded him. Ah, he says, that's right. CKG then stated that Captain tends to teach things to lower belts that they may not be ready for. HKG laughs and says, Nah, she's an expert. I smiled and said good night and left. Didn't realize it until I got in the car that HKG was again flirting casually with me. Gosh I am really dense, aren't I? I can't keep missing these opportunities!

    *****************************************

    Dino was off today from school and I was supposed to be working from home. Problem is, I had issues connecting to my work network. When I finally got connected, Dino laid his head on my shoulder and it was then that I realized he is running a fever! Oh no! No Valentine's Day party for him tonight. Sigh again.

    *****************************************

    Off I go. Hoping Tony brings the papers home tonight so that I have them for my meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. I don't want to have to cancel this one!

    Later gators!

    Wednesday, February 13, 2008

    Bad Night

    After a rather strange day at work, I had settled in with Dino to watch a movie during the ice/sleet/rain storm last night. I was stressed, and it was really getting to me. Tony walked in around 7 p.m. and immediately received a phone call. From what I could hear as he walked upstairs, it was his lawyer. I heard him say "yes, she is home" and then he was out of ear shot. Knowing they were talking about me really got me thinking. When he came downstairs about 5 minutes later, I asked where the papers were. He smugly stated that the call he just got was about that and that the lawyer was putting in more "little details that I want". Being stressed out already, I bit the bait and a huge battle erupted. I am tired of him playing games with me and having this attitude like he was the king. I laid into him and he shot back. It was not pretty. I followed him up to the bedroom after he called me trailer trash and blew up again. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. I am actually ashamed that he was able to set me off so quickly. It's the one thing that he has always been good at - hitting all the right buttons to make me nuts.

    Once we calmed down a bit, he started to play more games, stating that he called his PA lawyer and that lawyer said I had no ownership in the PA house since it was bought only 3 months ago (yeah right, with money from our house, how is it not mine too?). That I was probably planning this from the start. His phone kept ringing off the hook and he kept saying it was his lawyers. That he was gearing up to "bury me" and that I was not going to have anything (yes, he said this in front of Dino again - bastard). I shrugged it off and said that he was only hurting his son and wasn't that making him dad of the year? I had called MJ for some morale support just prior to this and felt a little stronger and more calm.

    I then followed him to the basement where he was hanging up with his "lawyer" and by the way he was speaking, I could tell it was his family - either his mom or his sisters. He was playing me again, and again I fell into the trap. For some reason, I got suddenly calm and clear headed. I basically told him that his immaturity was really sad and couldn't we just deal with this as adults and please leave Dino out of it? I was disgusted that my former in-laws would be playing along and being just as vindictive as Tony was being, but what should I expect. They are just as pathetic as he is. So much for being "part of the family" huh?

    Anyway, he calmed down and I said that I really am concerned that Dino is being scarred for life from this, and that he really needed to stop the crap. Dino is already showing signs of taking sides, and that is what I am trying to avoid. Can he please stop the verbal abuse, egging on, and vindictive behavior because if it hurt me, it hurt Dino. I wanted badly to give him a "what for", but I knew that would serve no purpose after the huge fight we had. I stated that he can hate me if he wants to, but to show it in front of our son was more than just damaging, it was killing Dino's respect of his father. I also clarified for him yet again that if I was only out for money, that I would have taken everything and moved out and let the lawyer go after him. I did not do that for the sake of our son. I was trying to play fair, and if he wasn't going to accept that, then he should just not speak to me at all.

    After that, things were a little better. Still, I had trouble sleeping and was a nervous wreck this morning. I will be taking Friday off to get to the bank to deposit money for Dino's savings that has been sitting on Tony's dresser for months. I also have to get to my bank to deposit my FSA check (yay! money to retain my lawyer!) and to get to the lawyer with the paperwork that Tony is picking up today. I am scared and nervous about this paperwork to be honest. I didn't think he wanted a court fight, but hey, if he does, so be it. I'll take out a personal loan from the bank as well, and if I have to live in an apartment for a year before I can get a house, that'll be fine too. All that matters is that we keep Dino out of it. That is all I care about.

    UPDATE: Tony just called me at work with yet another threat - if I try to report him for verbal abuse, he will counter sue me and drag me in the mud. Admittedly, I said that last night out of anger, but really. Grow up dude. Get a life. I simply told him that I was at work and would not discuss this with him now. He repeated it again. I then told him that I don't want him to talk to me at all unless it is about Dino. He replied sarcastically "oh, ok" and I asked if Dino got to school ok. He said yes. I said thank you and hung up without further risk of interaction. Is it ok to admit that I am really disliking him with a passion?

    Tuesday, February 12, 2008

    Gone Forever

    52 pounds. Yes, you read that right. 52 pounds are really gone forever. I am losing more each week and finally broke the plateau and feeling really good. I have many self doubts these days, so this is a very welcome accomplishment. I had been doing Tae-Bo and decided to take Mr. Owner up on the free month of karate. I had my first class last night. I was excited and it turned out to be a great workout.

    100 jumping jacks, 20 push ups, 50 sit ups later and I was huffing and puffing, but it felt good. There were two other white belts in with me, and it was fun because it was the mom and daughter from Saturday. They are sooooo nice. We started with the advanced belts and then broke off to our own private class with another instructor. At first it looked like Mr. HKG was going to be our instructor. The woman teaching the class is called Sensei because she holds many belts. She is older, but darn if she isn't in perfect shape! I am impressed by her. She asked Mr. HKG to take us out of the class after warm ups, but he switched with Mr. CKG (cute, but not as hot as Mr. HKG). That was fine, because I would have been totally distracted :) Especially after Mr. HKG approached me before class and flirted with me a little. That was super cool, to be honest. He was all smiles and I just wanted to melt. Why do hot guys make me feel like a total idiot? I didn't feel like I was at my best in a karate gi, but he seemed to like it. Sure, it was only a small exchange, but it is a start! I am not going to hide my attraction now.

    I was self conscious doing the situps, especially because I could only do 12 of the first set of 25. I did 20 the next time around, but it was hard. I need to really tone up my abs!

    Anyway, it was a great workout. Dino was excellent waiting for me, and I felt really good and strong. I espeically liked the fact that Mr. CKG said my punches were "excellent". Tee hee. I will definitely be joining up once all the settlement is worked out.

    Speaking of settlement, I should have the papers today or tomorrow. I even emailed a lawyer that only deals in family law and he responded that we can meet on Friday at 3 p.m. to discuss (Hey, MJ, can you take Dino?). His consult fee is $150, too, so that is cheaper than the other lady. I am actually excited about it! Finally, some movement forward.

    Better get to work now. Cheerio!

    Sunday, February 10, 2008

    More Of The Same

    Status Quo around here. Still being verbally abused by T and still trying to keep out of his way so it isn't so often. He slept all day yesterday and then as soon as he got up he started in on how I was a "ho" and "Looking to suck d*ck" and "f--ing my boyrfriend" yada yada. I finally cracked last night and told him that his abuse was being noted and unless he wanted me to hire a family lawyer to restrict his access to Dino, it had better stop. He seemed surprised by that. Really, he is the dumbest man on earth. Like I wasn't going to put up with it forever, dude. I can certainly understand the pain he must be feeling and I totally feel for him in his anger. But enough is enough. He said "Don't worry - you're getting a nice Valentine's Day gift from me." No doubt he is referring to the divorce papers. Good. My dear friend JL and I agreed that I would put on an Academy Award performance when I get served the papers - "Wow! This is wonderful! Just what I always wanted! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

    At 1 a.m. Dino threw up in bed. Don't know why or what caused it. Just spontaneous puking. All over my new comforter, sheets, and Dino's pillow. Sigh. T was asleep on the couch and except for an offer to take Dino to his bed, did nothing to help or even sympathize. I can't wait to see Dino go to his dad's for the weekend and throw up all over him! That would really be something to see.

    Anyway, Dino and I are camped out on the couch. I barely slept due to having one ear tuned to Dino for any noise that would indicate that he was puking again. I finally fell asleep around 2 a.m. or something. I am tired, but on my third cup of coffee so that is helping a great deal.

    Oh! I forgot to mention that I went to the karate studio for a self-defense lesson yesterday. I wanted to get out of the house and do something for me. I had left Dino at home with his dad who stayed in bed all day. When I arrived, there was a woman and her daughter standing at the desk talking to the owner. Here, she was Mr. HKG's neighbor and was invited to the studio for the lesson. I thought there would be more people there, but it was just her, the daughter and me. Mr. HKG was all smiles for her, but barely acknowledged my prescence. Someone told me that this meant that the really does like me but is playing coy. Well, two can play at that game, buddy! LOL. Thank goodness he wasn't teaching the lesson or I would have been totally distracted. Mr. Owner did. And, it was a great workout! I was sad when the 45 minutes was up. It was fun and the other woman and her daughter were funny and really open and social. It was a good time largely due to her and her humor. She asked me to join with her for Saturday classes, but I said I couldn't due to my pending divorce, I just couldn't spend the money. She was totally sympathetic. Mr. Owner followed me out as I was leaving and stated that he gave parents of students a free month and free uniform if I was interested. I went with my gut. I totally wanted to do it. Not because of Mr. HKG, or anyone else. I wanted to do it for me. It was a free month! A month to get going again on my toning, get in a good cardio workout and build confidence and strength. I am losing more weight than ever due to being more stressed and not able to really eat much (I am now 8 pounds from my first goal! Whoohoo!). I just need to get toned up. So, now I will be doing the adult white belt class on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Yay me. And, I will learn to kick and punch someone's lights out. Any guesses who I will be thinking of as I front kick the target?

    I know. Not nice. But still funny.

    Ta-ta for now!

    Friday, February 8, 2008

    Give Me A Break

    I need a break from this stress and fear. Calls into lawyers are not being returned, T is being a shiat-head and I am letting it all get to me. I need something to de-stress. Alcohol comes to mind. A tall bottle of something to drown my sorrows. Not doing it, but it sounds good.

    This weekend I plan on clearing out the unnecessary toys in the basement. Dino has not played with many of them in almost a year. Time to declutter! I don't plan on moving them all with us, so they have to be tossed or donated. Need a train table? Or tons of matchbox cars? How about oodles of miscellaneous stuffed animals or plastic dinosaurs?

    I think it would be cool to have a massive toy sale or just put it all on the curb for people to take. It really is just too much to tackle alone, which is why I have put it off for this long.

    Waiting to be served the papers. I will then take them for a consult to a lawyer. One did email me back yesterday, so I will probably go with her. She charges $250 for the consultation. I think that will be worth it.

    Later!

    Thursday, February 7, 2008

    A Good Night's Sleep

    Dino and I tried out the new mattress last night and the night before. I bought a spring mattress from IKEA with a frame, but I am waiting to put the frame together until I move out. The mattress is waaaaay comfy and is perfectly firm. The pillows I got on sale at Kohl's are a bit too poufy for me, I think. Still, Dino and I got a good night's sleep and I am liking my purchase.

    I don't think I mentioned it, but I did talk to Mr. HKG on Saturday about the divorce. I wanted to be sure he understood where Dino's behavior was coming from when he needed to be corrected. He sympathized and stated that he would let me know if Dino acts out or has issues in class. Last night, Dino was his normal goofy self, but at least this time he didn't get into "trouble". Instead, it seemed Mr. HKG took Dino aside and worked with him one on one. I have to say, I am really impressed with the instructor for doing this. He really cares about his students and works to get them where they need to be. He didn't tell me Dino acted out, but Dino did. Too funny how honest Dino can be! He gets props for that.

    Speaking of funny - Dino was falling asleep last night and made a strange comment. "Mommy, pee is stronger than water and it could soak through the pad on the bed, right? So I shouldn't wet the bed." Har! Maybe getting the new bed was good for more than just sleeping in comfort and peace :) If it can help Dino from wetting the bed, even better!

    T is still being crass and lewd with comments to me. At least now he is keeping Dino out of earshot when he makes these comments. I am learning to let it go and just let him sink into whatever pit of sludge he feels necessary. His behavior is only reinforcing the fact that I am doing the right thing here.

    Also last night, T shared with me the "standard custody agreement" that the lawyer must have given him. It is pretty basic, and T stated that when it came to Dino, he was not going to argue any points. We discussed the visitation schedule, and I stated that I felt that as long as he was civil, we would have no problems with the agreement. We talked about summer camp and getting Dino coverage for spring break. We also talked about what Dino would need for the summer and how he would get to any camps we discussed. A little worry of mine was getting Dino to camp when I had to be at work early. He stated that he could drop him off at any point as well, and that we didn't have to argue on those points.

    He also asked for my W2 to calculate the support payments. I told him I would give it to him if he shared his with me. He did. I copied both and jumped right on the calculator that is available online with the Family Courts website. Factoring in tuition, the amount he has to pay came to about $1,072.00. If I don't factor in tuition (since we agreed to have that as a separate part of the agreement), it becomes $849.00. If the amount is lower than that on the settlement papers, I will not sign. Also, T is meeting with the lawyer today to draw up the papers. I am waiting for the "surprise" that he threatened me with. He claims it doesn't have anything to do with Dino or money, but I don't believe him. I have already left messages at a couple of different lawyer's offices. One is not accepting new clients until March. The others have not yet returned my calls. I know I need to get one, so I am pursuing this agressively.

    Finally, I will be filing for temporary custody after all. I was waiting for the papers, but I know that I can't trust T, so I am making sure he isn't going to pull a fast one and try to get full custody of Dino. That is my biggest fear. I am kicking myself that I had not done this already. Pray that this piece goes in my favor, because fear is ripping me apart at this point.

    Tuesday, February 5, 2008

    Ugly Is As Ugly Does

    It is Ugly around here. The Ex is getting nasty as all get out. Not only did he embarass me in front of my sister, he is now getting ugly in front of our son. That is the final straw for me. I received a couple of referrals from my friend Connie who used to be a custody lawyer. I am calling tomorrow for a consultation. I was scared even more when I found that Ex threatened me this morning with something in the settlement that would "rock my world" as he put it. He was saying a lot in anger, but it was really just plain too much for me. I was trying to be agreeable, but FUCK THAT. The anger in me is rising now realizing that he is messing with me and he has done that for far too long as far as I am concerned. I know it will cost me eventually, but I have to protect myself and my son. At this point, everything I am doing is for Dino, so to have Ex throw crap in my face about how I am ruining Dino's life just makes me plain pissed off. Like having a psychotic dad doesn't mess up his life? Like listening to his dad berate and belittle his mother isn't going to have a lasting effect? Really now.

    I am doing my best to stay out of sight, or stay out of the way. I keep telling myself that it will soon be over. And it will. It will just be painful until the end, since the Ex wants nothing more than to hurt me right now.

    Friday, February 1, 2008

    The Answer is Yes

    Yes, it could have gotten worse, and it did. Once I arrived home, I was dead beat and totally stressed to the max (like, for sure, valley girl!). I couldn't even play Lego Star Wars on the Wii, and that is sooooo not cool.

    Dragged my butt and Dino to karate 'cause Dino has a tournament tomorrow and I wanted him to get practice in. Everything was annoying me and I was practically breaking down in tears in the "observation" area. That's when I noticed that Dino was getting a stern talking-to from Mr. HKG, his instructor. I really was upset then, as I finally realized that Dino knows more about what is going on than Tony or I thought. He is no dummy, and he is ultra sensitive so I don't know why I was surprised. He is doing things to deliberately get Mr. HKG to pay attention and give him sympathy. I now need to have a talk with Mr. HKG to let him know what is going on so that he can understand what Dino is going through (and maybe be a little less stern?).

    Lastly, re-read the paperwork for my pre-approval from the bank. Interest rate at 5.8% was what was on the form. The mortgage consultant worked it out with various down payment options and it looks like I will still end up paying more than I anticipated. I now have to figure out how much Tony will pay in support to determine what I can afford. And, he is not being forthright with that information. In fact, he flatly stated that I have to find out the support amount all on my own, as he is not discussing it with me. I guess that won't be going into the divorce settlement, huh? I will be forced to go to Family Court and petition for custody on my own. That way, they determine his payment and start to garnish his paycheck for it.

    Come to think of it - this whole thing is really sucky for him. I feel bad, I really do. The last thing I wanted to do was to make him suffer more. I am trying to keep reminding myself that I have to do this in order to have a decent place to bring up Dino. Am I? I can't tell.

    Well, enough rambling. I am feeling ill and going to bed. Night.