Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Dream Another Dream, This Dream Is Over

True to form, Tony flat out refused to hear me about a possibility of reconciling. Sure, I know I hurt him (as he has hurt me over the years) and he says he can't trust me now. He says that he doesn't deserve to live a life where he is constantly wondering if I am going to leave him or not. This may be true, but what about all the times I forgave him? Like when he threatened to kill me. That didn't do much for my trust in him, I can tell you. But I forgave and allowed him a chance to rebuild that trust. That chance he won't give me now. What about all the crap I have put up with? Doesn't that count for something?

Apparently not in his mind.

I have to be honest with myself. I knew that he would not rise above. I knew that he would never let me back into his heart and life. I knew it and I still tried. Does that make me an idiot or a sucker?

And being further honest, I am facing reality. The relationship is sick. It is not healthy and with Tony's refusal to accept responsibility, it never would be. I put in a last ditch effort to save my marriage out of fear, sadness, and a desire to make things right for Dino. I have my answer and now must somehow muster all my courage to walk out with dignity and self respect.

Excuse me while I go cry into my coffee now.....

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