Sunday, February 24, 2008

...In Which She Has Regrets

For some reason, the past few days I have been dreaming of Tony and I. Times when we were actually happy (which seemed few and far between back when I made the decision to leave him) and those times when we were content to just be together. We actually had a pretty good ride. Yes, he is controlling and OCD. But I am the enabler. Yes, he made me miserable. Wait. Did I just type that? He made me miserable? Did he really? This past week I have had to find that no one can actually make you anything. If I was miserable, that was my own doing. I let it affect me. I used it as an excuse. Misery loves company, right?

I was priding myself in my new found self awareness and confidence. I can do this whole thing on my own. I still believe that. However, I am a firm believer in signs. Remember I posted that earlier? Well, I was praying last week for Big G to send me some kind of sign to know what the right course of action is because I am having serious doubts. Doing this because I want out is one thing. Is it the right thing? I rarely post anything of religious nature - not because I don't have faith, but because I feel religion is extremely personal. I have deep faith and deep beliefs, I just don't feel the need or the "right" to trumpet it on high.

Having said that, these dreams are really strange. It's like watching a home video of events and interacting with the people and events as they happen. And to make things more complicated for me, Tony has been very accommodating, helpful, and downright congenial - much like he was when we first got together. Dino's illness this week has highlighted the fact that we have a deep commitment to our son. That made me realize that I have overlooked the one thing that should have been foremost in my mind from the day that Tony and I started having issues - love. There is still love there. I don't know how else to say it - I love him. I have loved him from day one.

A friend of mine recently consoled me after a rather nasty exchange with Tony where he said that he hated me with a passion. She stated, "There has to be love there. Nothing happens with passion without love." Of course, that got me thinking. I agree to an extent. However, I don't think that it is as simple as that.

Making my head spin further was an exchange that Tony and I had last night after giving Dino his breathing treatment in an attempt to stop the continual coughing (non-stop for several hours). Tony was sitting on my bed and watching Dino sleep. He seemed vulnerable all of a sudden. He didn't seem like he wanted to move. We chatted about nothing in general, but I could feel that there was more he wanted to say. There was more I wanted to say. I chickened out. I have already been told that there was no way in hell he would reconcile with me now (out of his own mouth) but I could feel his doubts last night. Did I jump ship too quickly before giving him a chance to make amends?

I know that he had not been particularly nice to me since I said I wanted a divorce. I have to think about how it feels to have someone come home and say - "I don't want you anymore" after 10 years of being together. I was also reminded that he has been rather nasty on occasion over the years. Well, goodness knows I have not been a princess or a saint. I think my biggest sin is telling too much about my private life to people around me. Did they really need to know that Tony called me "trailer trash"? Not really. I just wanted them to commiserate with my pain and validate my anger. In my year long self searching that I have done, I have determined that I rely WAY too much on bolstering the troops around me, instead of having the certainty of self to stand on my own.

Ok, self reflections aside, the doubts are practically drowning me. I believe that the dreams are signs but I am not sure what they are for. If we stop the divorce now (and that WOULD take a miracle for Tony to give up his hard exterior long enough to forgive me for this mess) it would be a massive feat to get back on track, but it is possible if he is willing. Open dialogue would be vital. Or we can continue down this road, divorce and go our separate ways, and possibly give up on the relationship that Big G wants us to have.

Or, it could just be the fever talking.

2 comments:

thedomesticgoddess said...

There always doubts when making a HUGE LIFE-ALTERING decision. That's human nature. You gave an ultimatum, he took it as an idol threat and you followed through. Perhaps you DID jump the gun. I know you don't hate your husband. i know he doesn't hate you. But if you were to reconcile? You'd both have to go to some HEAVY DUTY counseling.
Maybe you could just try a trial separation while going to counseling? I don't know. I am supporting you no matter what you choose to do. Divorce sucks, for the couple and the kids. But if it is the only thing left, well, I guess it will be done.

thedomesticgoddess said...

I meant idle. Idle threat. Sheesh, that's MY fever talking.