Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Panic Attacks

Oh my. As if things weren't bad enough, I am now experiencing panic attacks. I have never had them before. I get this feeling of overwhelming dread, and then suddenly, I can't breathe and I start to shake. Not liking this. I am still getting over my illness, and I am trying hard to keep a clear mind, but it is just too much right now.

I slept a grand total of 5 hours last night. I woke up every hour on the hour starting at midnight. I finally gave up at 3 a.m. and got ready for work. I looked around and realized all that I am going to have to be responsible for. No one really knows this feeling until they face it. Being a single parent is daunting enough, but having to fully support my son is scaring me to death. I am seriously doubting my ability to manage on my own. What on earth will I do? I hope to the heavens that my doctor prescribes something for me to take the edge off of this.

On a different note, I have been looking into apartments in the area - $925 for a 2 bedroom. Heck, for just $200 more I could be paying mortgage on a house. My sister, DG, recommended I move back into the area she is in, so that I would have family support and help with Dino. While this sounds inviting, I am not able to do so until the custody and divorce is finalized. Those are the rules. So I am left floundering to decide where to live. I don't know what to do, and that is what is causing the anxiety attacks. I am scared to death of doing this all on my own.

I did find a reasonable apartment complex nearby, but I don't know if they have availability right now. I will be calling them today. In all the thinking I have done in the past 24 hours, I realized that I don't necessarily have to make this decision today. The papers aren't even re-written yet. After that, I will have 60 days from the time I get the settlement money to find a place to live. Tony is not in a bad way because he gets to live with his Mom and he will retain ownership of the house in PA that is currently rented. He plans on taking over one of the floors as his own in the future. He has nothing to worry about. And that bugs me even more. I know I have said in the past that I would rather be happy in a hovel than miserable in a palace, but it isn't that simple. All I want is a nice place for my son to live so that we can rebuild our lives and be happy.

Happy. That has a nice ring to it. Can someone tell me how to concentrate on the happy and not on the scary?


Kelly said...

You are doing the best you can and doing this for you and Dino's best overall being. Hang in there. And as little trick to deal with panic attacks...wear a rubber band around your wrist and when you find your mind starting to race, snap it. It stings a little but shifts your focus. Sounds hookey, but really helps. Keep going, one day at a time! :)

Becca said...

Panic attacks happens to me once in a while and it's pretty scary everytime it happens. You just loose control of yourself. I've tried for help.I can see an improvement in my condition already.