Monday, March 31, 2008

Productive Weekend

It's amazing what a burst of energy will get 'cha.

On Saturday, Dino went to karate and then to friends' house for a play date. The brothers that he is friends with are too cute and their mom is sweet. She took Dino for me so I could run and do things I needed to do and I got 3 hours to myself. Whoo-hoo! I took the time to go to Goodwill to check out the tee shirts and ended up with several that I can use for spring. I also got to check out another house and stopped home to find that Tony had "gone to work". Not sure if that is really where he went, but it was fine. I picked Dino back up at 1 p.m. and stayed until 2:30 just talking to my friend and letting the boys play. It was really nice. Dino and I got home around 3 p.m. and I did all the laundry and started to clear out the dining room.

Sunday, Dino and I went to church then I took him home while I went food shopping. Tony was sick, so he stayed on the couch while I went out. It was a quick shopping excursion because I don't really need to buy much. I still need to use all the food in the chest freezer in the garage. By the time I got back from the store (around 1 p.m.) Dino was eating pizza and Tony was heading out to do yard work. I decided that I just had to do a spring cleaning of the bathroom upstairs, so I emptied it out and scrubbed it all down. Then I vacuumed. By then, my shoulder was really hurting, so I took the rest of the day to knit, do laundry, and cook dinner.

May not sound like much, but for me, that is a great deal of stuff done. The dining room was becoming the dumping ground, so it felt good to clear it out. Need Tony's help to get the leaf out and then I can put the table protectors on.

Hoping this week is not too stressful. I should hear from my lawyer today or tomorrow to sign the agreement and then it should be about a week to get the money so I can work on putting an offer in. I really need to start packing! Tons of stuff to go through. I also decided that this week since I am feeling better, I need to get back to working out every day. I will have to take it easy on the arms since my shoulder hurts, but I can work the lower body for sure. I think that will help with the stress.

I have a state mandated class to attend on Wednesday night for parents that are divorcing. It is supposed to be about how to help the child through the process. I asked Tony what they covered since he went last month for the all day course. His response, "I don't remember." Classic.

I am also almost done my sister's felted purse. I am putting some cool touches to it hoping that it looks hip and fun, just like her.

Well, off I go. I have a new person starting today and have to clear out the desk.


Friday, March 28, 2008


Despite the anti-depression medication I am on, I have been having some strange feelings of loneliness. I have great family and friends, but every once in a while I get these thoughts in my head that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. And it makes me really sad.

I don't want to be alone. Ever since I was a child, I have always thought that I would marry and have children and be surrounded by love. I have my son, and he is a blessing, but now I will not have that significant other to be with. I actually have not had that for a few years now, but for some reason it stings more now. I am starting to think that since I will be 40 this year, I have no hopes of finding someone to spend my life with - someone who will appreciate and understand me. Someone who at least puts up with me!


Good news, though. Tony has signed the settlement agreement and now I have to sign it with my lawyer. It is almost done. Wow. Weird feelings.

And, we spoke like real adults today about what we will be splitting up in the house and the plans we have for Dino. So even if I will be alone at least I will be less stressed!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Real Fear

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon at DG's house. I had not seen Dino since Sunday morning when we went to church for Easter and then he went off with his dad to spend the holiday with the in-laws. I wanted to spend some time with him and make sure he didn't feel like a homeless child shuffled around the relatives due to being on spring break from school.

After I arrived, DG and I decided to take Bugaboo for a walk. He rode his little tryke and we walked with the dog around the block. For the most part, he seemed to really enjoy being out and about, and stopped every 5 feet or so to stim on whatever element was on the ground. We made it all the way around the block without incident and arrived back at the house within 15 minutes. It was then that Bugaboo decided to make a break for it. He inched away at first and then broke into a full run. I chased after him, but not being in shape or knowing what to expect, I didn't anticipate his speed or momentum. He got a full block away with me several paces behind and panic struck me. I was screaming his name and hoping and praying he would stop before he reached the street. He didn't.

He flew across the street without thinking and the breath literally caught in my throat. Please, dear God, don't let a car be there! Thankfully, no cars were around although it was rush hour time. I was never so happy to see an empty street in all my life.

By the time I got to the other curb, I was winded and hurting. My chest was constricting and I really felt like I would pass out. DG was right behind me so I grabbed the dog from her and she was able to sprint forward and grab the lil bugger before he hit another block.

Let me tell you, the relief flooded over me in such a way that I almost broke into tears. Bugaboo was quite pleased with himself and his run, but screeched when he realized that his goal of the park two blocks away was taken from him. I think he figured that he would just go and we would follow and let him have his fun.

I was mad at myself for not being able to catch up with a 5 year old with short stubby legs. I have to say, he is one fast little guy. I think he should train for the Olympics for the 400 yard dash. He would surely beat anyone that is professionally trained. That kid is quick. And I really need to work out so that he can't beat me again.

I also have to remark that I am continually amazed at my sister's stamina when keeping up with him. Her ability to work with this tiny bundle of pure energy is really a wonder to behold. She is able to stay positive in the face of great adversity and is so wonderfully wrapped up with her children. DG, if you are reading this, I sincerely hope you realize how much I admire you. You are truly my hero.

Friday, March 21, 2008


Tony is dating. Being in IT has some advantages - like knowing how to track where he has been on my computer. And finding links to dating sites and pages in history of actual conversations with women. Interesting.....and I am a snoop. I know that. For some reason, this wigs me out - and confirms his pig status....

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Enough Already - Updated

I want my divorce done already. (All paperwork is in. Judge just needs to sign and issue a decree.)

I want the agreement actually agreed upon. (Done! Agreement reached today. Papers to be signed next week and issued. Huzzah!)

I want my house. (I can put an offer in next week on the darling house. I also have another that I liked alot and it is closer to where we are now - by about 4 minutes. First house owners keep calling my realtor to find out when I can make an offer. Will have pay off check in hand in 2 weeks. Huzzah again!)

I want my sanity back. (Like I ever had it? Who am I kidding?)

I want peace and quiet. (Can anyone say "Yeah, right lady."?)

I want politicians to fall off the face of the earth. (Debates make me crazy and I feel like none of them are worth a damn. Wonder why people don't vote? Two words - lying snakes.)

I want Dino to stop obsessing over this. (Partly my fault for enjoying the game as much as Dino, but my world does not revolve around getting all the power bricks.)

I want my mom to actually offer me advice and support and not more grief and sob stories. (Another, Yeah right.)

I want my hips to slim down with the rest of me. I look like a freakin' pear. (Work out? Like when?)

I want my boss to stop dumping on me during the last two weeks of his tenure here. (Job security? Better be a really big raise!)

I want to stop turning on the radio and hearing crappy songs about people in love. (Stopped listening to the radio. Current iPod song list has tunes like "Don't Care Anymore" by Phil Collins, "You Learn" by Alannis Morrisette, and "Strong Enough" by Cher.)

I want Mr. HKG to make up his freakin' mind - flirt or don't flirt, dude! (I'll still flirt, though.)

I want to stop waking up three times a night wondering what the heck I'm gonna do. (Back on the anxiety medication.)

I want a vacation. (Nope, not happening. But I will take time off when we move.)

I want most of the stuff I see in the Ikea catalog. (When I hit the lottery.)

I want to knit for long periods of time and not five minutes every 5th day. (Setting goal to take time to knit daily. I NEED it to live. Srsly.)

Some list, huh?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

It's Out!

Dino's First Lost Tooth. And there was much rejoicing.....

Saturday, March 15, 2008


*Dino's recent obsession of rock collecting. They don't have to be pretty, interesting, or significant. They just have to be rocks. Dino is an Equal Opportunity Rock Collector.

Lawyer finally got back to me with the settlement paperwork that he revised. Still waiting on docs from Tony's lawyer for the child support amount. I am getting really antsy.

Dino had a karate tournament last night for sparring and came in 2nd place for his division. Go Dino!

I have an appointment with the realtor today to see some more houses. This morning, 13 new houses went up within my price range. Looks like the spring market is here! I am PRAYING that we get the settlement papers done this week so I can get on with things. I really, really, really, want that darling house I saw and I am getting nervous that I won't be able to get it. But as my dear sis DG reminds me - if it is meant to be, it will happen.

Ok, need to shower and get my butt in gear. I am totally liking this every-other weekend thing!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Say What?

Last night I had dinner plans with Fr. J who is my dear BFF since my college days. We have been through much together as friends. We try to get together at least once every other month or so to just sit and enjoy each other's company. Since it was karate night, Fr. J decided to meet me at the studio and watch Dino's class. We were then to decide what to do for dinner.

When I arrived at the dojo, I noticed Mr. HKG looking at me, and for the first time in a while, I returned his gaze and gave him a smile. Bold of me, no? He smiled back.

Fr. J arrived soon after unbeknownst (is that really a word?) to me and was standing behind me. When I noticed him, we laughed that he "snuck in". It was then that I noticed that Mr. HKG was standing at the window of the classroom sorting the kid's attendance cards and he was staring me down. Not sure what that was about, I smiled back again. He scowled and turned away. Hmmmmm. Weird.

Shortly after class began Mr. HKG left the class to Mr. NKG and went to the front office. I followed in order to pay for Dino's tournament taking place tomorrow night. Mr. Owner was there and he ended up helping me, but Mr. HKG once again scowled at me, giving me the evil eye. What's up with that?

I went back to the waiting room and Fr. J and I briefly discussed the whole evil eye thing.

"Well, duh, it's because I'm a guy", he says.

"Say what? What's that got to do with anything?" I ask, totally oblivious.

"I'm offended!" he replies good naturedly.

Oh! So it comes to light. Mr. HKG, whom I have been eye-flirting with (new term, coined here folks!) was actually jealous? Is it possible? After all, the only conversations we have had - and I can count 'em on one hand - in over a year of classes has been about Dino. I have had it in my mind that my flirting was innocent since any chance of him reciprocating was all in my head. Now, I am not so sure. He was definitely pissed off about something and it happened after Fr. J showed up - and Fr. J was not wearing his collar or anything to show that he was no competition. Sigh. I really wish I was confident and brave. My self esteem up until now would never allow me to believe that Mr. HKG (remember, that stands for HOT Karate Guy) would find me attractive in any way, shape, or form. Is it really possible? Or, is this once again one of those things that I am reading into far too much?

Only time will tell, I think.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Are You Being Served?

Besides being a great British program, this is the question I was asked last night. At 8 p.m. the door bell rang and Tony answered the door. It was a Court Clerk delivering serving my divorce papers to me. I received them in great humor, and promptly read them. Nothing new here. Standard divorce stuff.

Still, it scared me a bit, and gave me a jolt of energy too. I was happy to see things are FINALLY moving along. The fear is of the unknown - but what else is new?

I was a bit miffed that Dino was present for this, but he didn't know what was happening since he was in a different room and I disappeared immediately after getting said papers. Hopefully he doesn't realize what it was all about.

I am anticipating my settlement paperwork today for Tony and his lawyer to review. I need to stay on top of this lawyer, as he doesn't seem to communicate very much. I also have a meeting with the mortgage consultant to review the estimated settlement sheet she sent me. Lastly, I am going to dinner with my dear friend Fr. J tonight so that will be a nice visit.

Sadly, I found that another dear friend is also going through a divorce. I need to call her. She is special to me, and we have a long history together. I consider her my "cultured" friend, since she had introduced me to many different things I would not have found on my own. Like Shakespeare, the Blues, and vintage clothes. Artsy is another term I have used, but she is not stuffy or anything :) Divorce is not fun or easy, but one an see the light through the tunnel if one looks in the right direction. Forward on to the breach, dear fellows!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Home Sweet Home

Saw three homes this weekend. The first I saw on Saturday is in the right neighborhood but it is a bit pricey and it is trashed by the current tenants. The structure of the house is good, but the place is a real mess. There are renters in the home now, and it shows that some renters don't care a whit about a place when they don't own it. With a really good cleaning and fresh paint it is salvagable, but I wouldn't have the time for that. Not to mention that the price is high for the amount of work that needs to be done. The full bath in the basement is a nice feature, but it needs new everything - I won't go into details on how skanky it looked. It's a shame the house is such a mess, to be honest, because it is in a great area.

The second house I saw on Sunday I fell instantly in love with. The neighborhood is established and has low turnover. The house is teeny-tiny but the layout is so good that it doesn't feel that small. It is on a flat lot, with not too much land, so not much to mow. I call it the "Darling House" because it is really darling inside. The house needs absolutely nothing and is ready for move in - well, except for the hideous bright green paint in the one bedroom. There is no basement, but the attic is floored and roomy enough for storage. The dining area and living room are open and there is a pass-through window to the kitchen. The kitchen is eat in, with servicable appliances, (and just big enough for me) with a back door leading to a small deck that is fairly new. The yard is not huge, but big enough. The bathroom is huge, and although it is the only one, it is perfect. New just about everything. And, inside it is a utility closet for the brand spanking new washer and dryer. The house has oil heat, but it is radiant floor heat - how cool is that? And it has central air. The space is awesome! I can't gush enough about it. As we were leaving, there was another couple coming to look. I sent vibes their way to deter them, but it didn't work. They went in anyway. Still, I am hoping they find the place too small for them since I really, really want this house.

The third house I looked at on my own since I wasn't sure I was going to the open house. It was a good thing I did. Another small house with just enough room for Dino and I. It has a really small kitchen - not eat in - but the price is really good for the area. This one also had a basement and a garage. Lots of storage space, but it needs some figuring. The one bedroom was actually off the kitchen and was previously used as a dining area. The current owners needed a third bedroom so they converted it to a toddler's room. The thing is, they didn't put doors in and they left the pantry closet as a pantry closet. Strange. Still, it wouldn't need much and the basement was nice and dry and clean. And there is also a 1/2 bath that is newer and clean. The yard is small, but it has a nice cement patio for entertaining. The only thing that bugs me is the fact that there are no sidewalks. Most of the older developments in DE don't have them, but some home owners have put them in. I would want to do that as well, and since it is a corner property, that would be big bucks for me. Still, it is a contender.

So, after looking at these homes, I am really anxious to get the settlement done so I have dates to plan on. At this point, I need to wait. That bugs me, 'cause I could lose the house I love. Add to that the fact that the mortgage consultant that I was working with has left her job for personal health issues, and I had to get pre-approved all over again with a different consultant. The rates went up slightly so that lowers my buying power. And, because of closing costs, I didn't realize that I had less to put down than I originally thought. The new mortgage consultant ran numbers for me and had me buy points to keep from paying PMI on a $230,000 house (not that I would pay that much, but still). It works out to be about $1,200 a month for a payment. That is do-able.

Especially since....


I found out yesterday from my manager, who is leaving, that he is bringing my salary up and giving me my yearly merit increase. I am probably getting about 8% raise, so that will really, really help me. I am excited about this. It may not seem like a lot to most, but our company routinely caps increases at 3% (which really sucks) so this is a good thing.

So things are looking up right now. The divorce has been filed and should process very shortly. The settlement is the only thing outstanding. I just want my names off of the properties so I can move forward. Finally.

Well, have to run. Knit on!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Another One Bites The Dust

Tired of my rantings on house hunting? Sorry. Another of my "favorites" has been removed from the MLS. Sigh. I am starting to think that this is a bad omen....

On top of that, Tony tells me that my lawyer has yet to send the modified paperwork to his lawyer. Not sure what the hold up is. I have a call into my lawyer now.

One more frantic and abusive call from Tony today. Dino wouldn't take his pill because he has a loose tooth. Tony calls ranting and raving, screaming that he hates life and that he has the "wheels in motion" and that he was going to disappear and no one would see him again. When I reminded him that this was his child he was freaking about, he says, "He's better with you anyway, so what does it matter?" Oh my. I admit that part of me hopes he does disappear - but experience tells me that this is just more of his empty threats and need to vent on someone to dispel his own inadequacies. Anyway, a simple word from me and Dino does take his med. Go figure.

Surprise! Laywer called back while I was typing this - he has the revision 70-80% done and will have it to me by the middle of next week. Not sure what the hold up is, or why it is taking so long. He is in New York for training this week. This probably explains why he is cheaper than most - he is slow. Oh well! More time for me to find a home.

Happy pill makes me hungry. Not good.

Almost done all of my reviews for my team. Good.

Aunt Flo is on her way. TMI.

Need a nice long vacation. Dreaming.

Need to get to work now. Ta-ta!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Wherefore Art Thou?

Dudes, looking for a home is seriously depressing. If it weren't for the happy pills, I think I would lying in a fetal position in a dark room crying my eyes out. Why is this so hard? I know that I can find something, but I really don't want to move more than once. I also don't want to uproot Dino more than once. Do I rent for a year and then try to move? Do I stick it out hoping that something perfect will come my way? Not that I am sitting passively waiting for a house to fall in my lap. Even if my soon-to-be ex (henceforth known as STBX) thinks I am a witch, I know houses don't fall out of the sky....

I check the MLS daily. My saved list is dwindling. What used to show 78 houses is now down to 69. One of my "favorites" was sold. I am hoping to see a house this weekend that is well priced and in a good neighborhood, but even that could go at any moment. This is really nerve wracking.

Add to that the fact that I have no idea what Tony is doing about the paperwork. I have determined that I could be in for a fight if he nixes the child support amount that I requested (and to be honest, is way more than fair). I don't want to drag this out, but I also don't want to be in dire straits when it is over. I have to have a conversation with him about it. Believe it or not, there is fear there. What am I afraid of? Mostly a fight. It was what I was avoiding from the start. He doesn't fight fair or nice. It's one of the main reasons I am getting out of this marriage.

I have plenty to distract me these days. I have my team's reviews to complete by Friday, a training to plan and practice for next week, and a new process to roll out at work. I am quite busy. Still, I can't help but be distracted by my need for housing. Luckily, I have some time to figure it out. Even when the paperwork does come through, I have about 90 days to vacate the house we are in.

On that note, Dino reminded me last night that he wants to take his Wii with him when we move. I have been careful not to have discussions or make comments around him about the move. I don't want him stressed out. He is doing so very well at school now. He is happy, adjusting wonderfully, and really impressing the teachers. Last thing I need is for him to be sliding backward. I remind him when he says these things that he gets to take all of his things with him. He won't be without anything (except maybe the gazillion toys in the basement he is not playing with). That makes him feel better.

Lastly, I have had umpteen compliments lately about how I am slimming down. I love to hear those comments and have really used them to help feed my fragile ego right now. I feel thinner, and even if I am not completely fit, I am working on it (53 pounds gone forever!). My goal - a major MILF. I won't settle for anything less.

Gotta run. Have a training to attend today and I am hoping it won't be a sleeper. Ta-ta for now all!

Monday, March 3, 2008

Destination: Home

Finally checking in again. By "tomorrow", I of course meant whenever I could get around to it. I had a good weekend for the most part. The house I looked at on Friday is a condo, and with the association fee, adds up to a pretty penny. Thanks to Uncle Bug, I was able to determine what I could spend and still be able to eat and have some fun with Dino. Now I am on the hunt for another property that I can own and still be in a good enough area to not affect the resale value. The condo I looked at was pretty on the inside, but the surrounding area is not so nice. Lots of trashy looking townhomes and even if the property was clean, many were in disrepair. Not where I want to raise my son. Oh well! Now we know why it was so cheap!

Saturday spent the day at DG's while Tony and Dino went to the sister's house for a birthday dinner. It was the first event I was not invited to, and it felt weird, to be honest. I called Dino to say goodnight and ended up with voice mail on Tony's phone. 30 minutes later, Tony calls back and hands the phone to Dino. I was surprised to hear him crying for me. He kept saying he missed me and wanted to come home. I assured him that he was going to be fine and that he was having a good time with his dad. I reminded him that he would see me in less than 24 hours and that he should enojy his time with his dad and Mom-Mom. I didn't completely convince him and he kept crying. Finally, after 20 minutes, I got him to hand the phone over to his dad. I told Tony to play up the fun they were having and to distract Dino from the separation anxiety. I then went to bed myself.

Glorious 12 hours of sleep! Yes, you read that right. I went to bed at 9 p.m. and woke up at 9 a.m. Uninterrupted, no nightmares, no snoring, kicking, being punched in the face sleep. It was heaven! I roused myself to go food shopping ($75 - whoo-hoo! Staying on budget!) and then did some cleaning, laundry, and puttering around all by my lil lonesome. I did whatever, whenever I wanted. Did you hear that? It was amazing having that time on my own. I thought I would be sad and lonely. How silly of me! I wanted more.

At noon, Tony called and asked if he could drop Dino off early. I was shocked. He wanted to take his mom to some open houses so could he drop him off at 1 p.m.? I of course said yes, but inside my head little alarms went off. Is this how his every-other weekend was going to go? I had to make sure I was unavailable if that is the case. Dino needs his time with his dad as much as he needs me. Why can't Tony see that? And, guess who was stuck doing all of Dino's homework with him (that he needed to get caught up on since his illness)? Yup, me. But that's ok. I worked out an amazing deal - one page of homework and he earned a level on the Wii game he loves. It went great and there were no tears or fighting and all the homework got done before dinner. I was actually quite proud of him. He also finished his "Star of the Week" project - where he had to make a poster board of himself to show to the class with his likes and family or whatever he wanted. We put on a bunch of pictures and Star Wars stickers. It was cute by the time we were done.

Slept well last night again. Thanks be to the little pill! I am not a huge advocate of drugs, but this time, I have to admit it is better than lying in the dark and staring at the ceiling.

On the knitting front, I have not tried the socks again yet. I am now working on a felted purse for DG and I have to make a vest for myself. I also have to crochet an afghan for a friend who just bought a house. I will be busy and hopefully will not look on those dreaded socks for a little while :)

That's about it for now. Waiting to hear back from the lawyer on Tony's response to the paperwork. I know he is going to counter again, so I am prepared. I have determined that I cannot accept less than $500 per month in child support. Otherwise, I will not be able to keep Dino in private school or keep him in karate. More important to me is having a nice place for Dino to live, ya know?