Friday, April 25, 2008

What A Difference

Had a really bad parent/teacher conference on Wednesday. Turns out that Dino is reverting back to the behavior he had before starting the ADHD meds. We both agreed it was attention getting and his cry for help in how to deal with the tension and anxiety with the divorce and specifically how his dad has been acting. I put a call into the therapist immediately to get Dino an appointment and I am waiting for a return call.

In the meantime, I told Tony that he had to cool it with his snarky ways. He was genuinely concerned with Dino's issues, and has since stopped his full verbal assaults. Thanks be to Big Guy!

One of my dearest friends, JP has returned from the far reaches of the country. He is staying close, too, and I am hoping to catch up with him in person soon. It is nice to know he is nearby and that he cares about me :)

I applied for my mortgage and was instantly approved. How's that for credit ratings? LOL Just think, 10 years ago my credit was in the crapper and I was really struggling. Now I can get a mortgage on my own based on my excellent credit! Pardon me as I gloat a little. It's a victory hard won (just ask my college friends who threatened to turn me over to Oprah for a show on financially irresponsible people). Not only did I get a mortgage on my own, but I can also afford it! Whoo-hoo!

ADD has kicked in today, please pardon me.

I am getting a cell phone from work. Thank goodness! I know Tony will drop me off the plan ASAP, so I will keep a basic plan - the cheapest I can get. I also called the insurance agent for a quote on homeowners and car insurance on my own. Next I have to call for my FIOS fix to be ready at the new home.

Dudes, the move is only 5 weeks away. That's only 35 days! I have to pack! I have to get stuff cleaned out! I have to get back to my anti-anxiety meds! Ack!

And, I am so done with knitting right now. I have a new crochet project to start instead....a summer shrug. Pretty cool (pun intended). Check back for WIP pics.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Phone Home

I was reading an interesting article today. Stephen Hawkins, in a lecture recently at George Washington University in Washington D.C., stated that he believes alien life may well exist in some form (and in a remote section of our galaxy apparantly). To read the article, click here.

So I was inspired to share my thoughts. I am not a genius theoretical physicist, but I do love the thought of life in other parts of space, and I am fascinated to no end on the whole concept of the universe in general. Do I believe that there are other life forms elsewhere? Yes. Why? Well, it goes to a direct quote by Carl Sagan. "It would be an awful waste of space."

I watched the movie Contact when it was first released. I was a sci-fi fan, but this spoke more to the spiritual in me. Is it human arrogance to assume we are the only diversion nature took in playing with the creation of life. Yes, I still believe in the Big Guy, but since I was not there when life was created, how can I tell if that is the REAL story? Anyway, I became obsessed with the theories of life elsewhere in the cosmos. I read just about anything I could get my hands on, and that includes tons of articles on the internets. It is a sort of hobby at this point.

Just wondering what you think? Does life (in any form) exist in other regions of space, or are we the only planet that can boast to being host to this extraoridnary "co-incidence" of molecules fused together into beings?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Terra Day

Ok, so today is Earth Day, right? What am I doing to help the earth today?

Well, let's see....

I've recycled a bunch of paper sitting on my desk.
I've turned off my heat, my computer and unplugged in general. (I'm at work now, so I have to be online here)
I've made the decision to Go Green at home - stop using so much water, start washing clothes in bigger loads to conserve as much as possible, turn off all lights when not in the room, use enviro-friendly cleaners and recycle what I can.

So, what are YOU doing?

By the way, I am not usually politically involved or have much to say when it comes to "mainstream issues". But this is something different. I believe that each of us needs to take personal responsibility for our little piece of the pie. That means I have to admit to wasting water in the past, or buying styrofoam plates. Also leads me to wonder - if styrofoam is so bad, why is it still produced?

As you can see, I am having a slightly ADD day. I will be ok. Just don't waste any more time making this world a better place to leave to the kids. Ciao!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Home Sweet Home

Hey y'all, I am buying a house! It is not where I thought or how I thought it would pan out, but it is the coolest. Here's the deal. My realtor sent me a listing that I was just going to see to have a "comparison" house. I thought it was a bit pricey for my range and I knew it was really just too cute, but I wanted to see it to get an idea of what I would be getting if I saw something that would only add about $70 a month to my mortgage payment.

Well, I fell in love instantly as soon as the door opened. Hard wood floors, pretty butter colored paint. Then I saw the kitchen. Ok, it needs some work, that is for sure, but not mega-thousands worth of work. Just a few touches. Eventually, I will need to replace the cabinets, but they are clean and functional for now. The fridge is older, but functional and CLEAN. In fact, the whole house was CLEAN. Even the family room that they used as a toy room. All of Dino's toys would definitely fit in there :)

It has a great deck, lovely yard, and backs to the county park. The bedrooms are a good size, new roof, new windows. What more could I ask?

Well, a garage! A laundry room, a powder room in the basement, and did I mention that the appliances are included? Washer, dryer, freezer, fridge, water treatment system, you name it. And there is a nice sized shed. Really, this was the house I think I was meant to have. Somewhere in the cosmos, Big Guy was watching and helped me to realize that this was worth every penny I was going to have to spend. Yes, the mortgage is highter than I wanted, but for the wonderful neighborhood, it is worth it. Every house is neat, has great curb appeal, and is in great repair. There is even a state cop that lives at the corner. There are kids that ride their bikes around the block, and NO ROAD NOISE!!!! After living on a main road for three years, it is totally a welcome change to have peace and quiet when you are standing on your front step....

Ok, enough. I have to eat dinner. Oh, had my lunch date and it was NOT cool. The geek talk didn't carry us over and it was obvious from the first that he was totally not into me. I got a free lunch, a salmon ceasar salad. Yum. It's ok. I am really going to take time to concentrate on me and then will give dating another short.

Off I go. Lots of paperwork and packing in my future :)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hide

It has not been a pretty few days at Chez GeekChick. Since Saturday, Tony has been the biggest A-hole on the planet. I am not sure what turned him against me so suddenly. Stupid me, I thought the fact that he was being "pleasant" meant that we could have a civil relationship and raise our son together. HAHAHAHAHA, she laughed maniacally.

I know he had a date on Saturday. He had told me he would be out all night. Ha. He surprised me at 10 p.m. walking in the door. He was nasty and rude. Big surprise. Date went bad, did it?

Since then he has been unbearably hostile. Last night was the cap. When he arrived home at 8:15 p.m. he just about bit my head off when I told him I was running out to get gas in my car. I left, feeling a strange uneasiness in the pit of my stomach.

When I arrived home, he was in the kitchen and I could tell he was gearing up for a fight. I am so used to this in him, so I could avoid it. He asked me something about a reciept I had so he could submit it to his FSA. I told him I would copy it for him since I needed it too. He gave me crap about how he was going to lose all this money because he didn't have the receipts. He then called me a bitch and said I was f-ing him over and costing him money (no doubt stemming from the loan that he applied for to give me the buy out). I sweetly replied that he had the chance to take me to court (which he knows would have cost him MORE money) and that he chose to go this route. You make your bed, you lie in it, dog.

He cursed some more, and I promptly went to the basement and gathered the medical receipts for his FSA and left them on his desk. When I went back upstairs, he then disappeard into the basement. I was helping Dino clean up after his snack five minutes later when we heard Tony cursing and freaking out in the basement. Dino was about to go down and tell him that cursing is bad. I steered him away, telling him to leave daddy be - I didn't want Tony taking out his bad mood on Dino, as he would do. Just then, Tony appeared and was stomping through the house. I asked what was wrong.

"Nothing! Just leave me the F--K alone! I don't want anything from you!"

Real nice. I could feel the anger welling up inside me. Who the hell was he to talk to me like that in front of our son?

I reminded him that he needed to control his anger in front of his son and that the parenting class he took should have taught him about being selfish and not thinking of his kid. At that point he said that maybe he would just move out. I encouraged him to do so, and quickly. Ok, I may have said something like, "Really? Tonight?"

I know, not nice of me. But really, how much can one person take?

I had trouble sleeping last night (I know, big surprise!) as I thought about this sudden shift in his personality. Truth be told, he has ALWAYS been like this. It's just that his venom had not been directed at me in this way. Ok, that's a lie too. He had once threatened to kill me in the heat of anger. Abusiveness is in his nature.

It wasn't until the wee hours this morning that I realized why the change happened and why it seems to be sudden. On Friday, I signed off on the PA property. It was officially his alone. That was the last thing he needed from me to complete the settlement for my part. It was the final piece for him to feel like he was once again in total control. Now that he is "in control" again, he doesn't care about how bad things get. Funny, he is not really in control. He is bound by the legal agreement as well. He has to meet certain deadlines. I guess in his twisted and sick mind he is "free" to do what he wants now.

I started to write the story of our life together (albeit a brief cliff-notes kinda version) and I began to cry. I can now see the pattern of verbal and mental abuse. His need to dominate and control was evident from the start and I was just blind to it. Someday maybe I will post it. It's long though. Or maybe I will publish it and make tons of money and take my kid to Disney all by myself and show him that we are better off without him. Just sayin'.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Feeling Alone

I am busy, have the support of family and friends, and still I feel very much alone right now. I've been doing some reading online and it turns out that no matter who initiates the divorce, both partners suffer from seperation anxiety realizing that the other won't be there. Even if there is no love left, or the partners are bitterly fighting, the feeling of being alone will often overwhelm each. That is what I am going through now. It is part of the natural "death" process and to be expected. Doesn't make it at all easier to take, knowing that I am going through this process "normally". And that there are other stages that will be normal in this process, like being jealous of his dating, feeling cheated out of a life having to be fully responsible for Dino (even though that is what I WANT, really I do!), feeling bitter, fear, anger. Thank goodness for the internets and the availability of the information! Otherwise, I would feel totally nuts right now.

I feel guilty that I sometimes resent the fact that Tony can go and run off whenever he wants and I am "stuck" with the kid. Really, this is what I wanted and I love my son and would never give him up for anything. It's just an adjustment period. I am learning to take advantage of play dates for Dino where I can actually talk to another adult. That helps alot.

Speaking of which, I have to call his friend's mom now to see if we can come and play. I hope to get my head back into it's normal whacked-out-fun-crazy mode soon. Promise!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Not a Date

I found a geek. Imagine that! A geek doing online dating. Who'd a thunk?

He is older (44) and is VERY funny. We hope to meet up next week for lunch to do a casual meet and greet and see what happens after that. I heart me some geek talk! It has been too long since I have been dating, so I am not thinking of this as a date. This is simply a meeting of minds :) He knows Douglas Adams, Star Trek and can help me route my network. Not only that, but he is tall! 6'2", y'all. Ok, maybe not so tall to most, but tall to me.

Again, this is NOT a date. You may go back to your regularly scheduled blogging....

(oh, and my previous post on Mr. HKG - that was SAD, wasn't it? I am pathetic in that way. I do tend to fixate on things to help me through rough times, and poor Mr. HKG was my fixation. Hard to let go of that, y'know? So, I have determined that I am not going to hell if I continue to find him attractive and if he pops up in my dreams from time to time. I am sure his girlfriend would never hold that against me :)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

So Sad

Mr. HKG has a live in girlfriend with a child (not his). I am so bummed to have found this out. I know it was a wild idea that he would ever be interested in me, and now I know I WAS dreaming that he was flirting with me. Actually, he proably was flirting, but that was all. He was already with someone. I am finding it really difficult for some reason. I think because I was really holding on to the fantasy in an effort to bolster my own ego, and this is a big blow to my ego at this point.

I am pretty sad now. I think I shall go knit something to make myself feel better....

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

14

Dudes, I am wearing size 14 jeans! It has been about 15 years since I have worn size 14 anything. A couple of weeks ago, I tried these jeans on (my girlfriend has been giving me all her left overs) and I could not button them. Then, I could button them but couldn't breathe. Now I can button them AND breathe :)

No words can describe my elation right now!

Down 60 pounds this week.

Wow. MILF, here I come!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Moving On

Yesterday, my dear sis, DG, and her hubby and kids came with me to look at a house that I am interested in. To be honest, it is not really the house that I want, but the area. The other houses in my price range are in run down looking areas. This house is in a cute neighborhood.

After getting Darling's assessment of the house, and DG's assessment of the area, I have decided to put in an offer once I can get the pre-approval from the mortgage company. I have to be honest, I am a little scared. I was really hoping for a house that I didn't have to make many changes/updates. The problem is, there isn't one in my price range that is in a really good neighborhood. So, I have just come to accept that I will have to find a house that is functional that I can make some minor changes to over time. This house needs to have some inspections done to be sure there is nothing structurally wrong with it and I want a termite report. Other than that, I can live in the house and make some modifications as I go. The only big question - will my furniture fit? Tony is giving me almost all the furniture and I was hoping to take the dining set (which is HUGE). Not sure how that will work, but I am sure I will figure it out.

Confession: I joined Match.com to see what was out there. In 24 hours, I had 68 men look at my profile and 4 men email me to see if we could meet. Ok, now really guys, do you think that I am just going to run right out and meet up with you? These men emailed me some vague description of themselves (and don't have any real information on their profiles). I replied that I would like to correspond with them for a bit and then perhaps talk on the phone. Surprise! None of them responded to me. Shocker. Players abound :) I think that Match.com will not be the place for me to start looking into dating. I am going to take a vow of single-cy (yes, I made that up) to give myself time to heal and be in a better place mentally and emotionally. I don't need any XY chromosome drama right now....

Off I go! Almost done knitting my sister's purse, too, and then I can felt and block it. I have no other UFOs at this point, so I am trying to figure out what to do next :)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

What Autism Means to Me

It is World Autism Day. It is the day to commemorate the fact that 1 in 150 kids are diagnosed with Autism. It is the day to celebrate the wonderfulness of my darling nephew Bugaboo, who teaches me more each day about this mysterious diagnosis. Read this: DJ's Post on World Autism Day. It is much more eloquent than I am and is a beautiful read.

I would like to add a few notes of my own on how Autism has touched me. When Bugaboo was diagnosed, I was concerned and confused about this unknown "ailment". I had no idea what it really was outside of the movie Rainman or the occasional 20/20 reports on Savants. This was how I viewed Autism. There were a couple of movies on that women's movie channel but I really didn't understand the realism of Autism.

Then came Bugaboo.

His joy of life has touched me in ways I cannot describe. He is loving. He is reckless. He is fearless. He has no preconceived notions on how things should be. He only accepts things as they are. Although he is mostly non-verbal, he can make me understand him. We have a bond now. When I walk through the door to his house, he leads me by hand around to his favorite things. He is inviting me to share in his world. That is such a gift and such a blessing. I love to spend time with him.

Because of Bugaboo, I am able to see things differently in the world. When he stares at the tree tops blowing in the wind, I find solace in the same. When he listens to Mozart or Gregorian Chant, I find it just as comforting. When he throws dirt in the air to stim on, I actually found myself watching the patterns the falling dirt makes. It is strangely soothing to me.

I can't begin to express my thanksgiving for this beautiful child. And he is not even my son! I just hope that by bringing the Autism world out of the dark ages, we can change the opinion of some that it is some kind of "disease" that needs to be cured. Autism needs to be understood, yes. But these children are not diseased. They are gifts from God showing us that different is good. It is not them that need to change, it is us. And when we do, what a wonderful world it will be.