Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Big Move

I will be offline for a few days. Possibly a week, depending on my schedule. The move is finally here! Tomorrow night I will be packing away my computer and disconnecting everything.

Until next week!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Open Letter to the Internets

Dear Internets,

I write this with much trepidation. You are sucking the life out of me. No point in beating around the bush about it. I have come to value blunt honesty, and have decided it would be best to be equally as forthright about the affect you are having on my daily routine.

See, I used to have this blog that I loved. I was not big on it at first, but it grew on me. Being new to the blogging world, I was pointedly selfish. I wrote only what concerned me. I put in words the things that I found humorous, poignant, or interesting. Then I found that others had done the same. And I liked their blogs better than my own. And I felt small compared to their greatness.

Lately, I have not loved blogging. Something about going to the well written blogs of others and finding myself less deserving of praise (or even readership) drained the creative juices out of me. I find that I would rather lurk here or here or even here (not to mention here but that goes without sayin'). Then there is this blog that defies any standard. Of course there is also this one which for some inexplicable reason is blocked at work that I was just turned on to (thanks, DG!). I can't possibly begin to explain my feelings of ineptitude in the face of these awesome writers.

So, dear Internets, I ask you - is this fair? Really now. Not to mention this life-force-sucking-out-of-my-eyeballs link. Too many distractions!

I have a story to tell, one of my own. I have witty things I crave to write. I have ideas, desires, rants, and soapboxes. Why oh why, dear Internets, can't I do it? I sit in front of my keyboard desiring greatness, imagining myself a modern day Hemingway, only to find that I have nothing of interest to share as the keystrokes fall. Even I find myself boring! That is too sad, my friend, too sad.

Perhaps I try too hard. Perhaps I misundertand this blogging thing. Perhaps I find that I would rather be enraptured by others than enraged by own lack of skill. All I know is I can spend HOURS online reading. I don't care for the celebrity updates, or the news, or the mecca of shopping. No, I want to know about the life of someone I never met and will never know. For this I blame you, dear Internets. You have made it far too easy to spend my time being a stalker.

No, there is nothing you can do to make it up to me. I am of the firm opinion that you are a selfish bastard, only looking to hook in your next victim. You care nothing for the state of my household cleaning schedule nor the fact that I haven't eaten dinner away from the computer screen in months. You only care about yourself and how many people you can suck into your black hole! Well, this is one victim that will not go so easily into that good night. You can fight me, but I think I can win....

Right after I find out what he has posted now.


Up until now, Dino has been pretty accepting of the way things are. We had a talk with him in January about the divorce and he seemed to understand that Mommy and Daddy were not going to be living in the same house. We made sure he understood that he would always have both of us, and that he knew that we loved him just as much as before. We also stressed that he was not responsible for the breakdown between his parents. We have reinforced this a number of times over the past several months to be sure he knew that we loved him and didn't blame anyone for our split. Still, at 6, I am sure that there are just some things that he didn't totally integrate into his little brain right away.

Case in point, last night. We were getting ready for bed early (as I have not been sleeping well) and Dino was going on about how Daddy had to work a lot and suddenly he says,
"You and Daddy used to hug and kiss a lot before. Why don't you do that anymore?"

Wow. How to answer that one diplomatically? My first thoughts were not charitable towards his dad. I wanted to say that if I was treated better, had more respect, or was shown the love I wanted, we wouldn't be here. But of course, this isn't what one says to one's child when this question is broached.

I sat down and pulled him into my arms, taking a deep breath.

"Honey, you know that Mommy and Daddy are divorced."

He nodded.

"Well, sometimes two people think that they can live together and be happy. Then they realize that they aren't happy. Mommy and Daddy just found out that they aren't in love with each other anymore. It doesn't mean that we don't care. And we will ALWAYS love you no matter what. That never stops."

I swallowed hard. Was this the right thing to say? Will it only confuse him to hear that our love had died but not all love does this?

He seemed deep in thought for a moment, his little brow furrowed with concentration. Then his eyes widened and he blurted out,

"You just have to be happy, Mommy. When you're happy, everyone is happy."

Out of the mouths of babes....

Friday, May 16, 2008

Out Of Office

I am taking the day off. Not to rest, relax, or put my feet up either. I had to get to the bank to deposit my check from Tony for my half of the stimulus pay out and his half of the field trip fee for the summer camp. It's right around the corner! I decided that I had to get more stuff done around here today because my weekend is booked. Tomorrow Dino has karate and two birthday parties. I have dinner with a friend tomorrow night. Sunday is church and then Dino and I are going to see Chronicles of Narnia. Can't wait! I have been counting the days down to Prince Caspian since I saw LW&W. In fact, Dino and I are going to watch it tonight to refresh ourselves in the fantasy.

I have TONS of packing done, but still more to do. Two weeks, everybody. It is hitting me hard right now. I came up with a few things that I MUST have as soon as I move in:
  • An over-the-range microwave

  • A flat-panel TV for my bedroom

  • A rug for the living room (the one at my current home is too big for the space, I think)

  • A lawn mower

  • A new mailbox

  • A small storage hutch for the bathroom

  • New paint for Dino's room and the kitchen

  • A new tea kettle

  • These are the things I will need to get at some point after I move:
  • A new fridge

  • A new range

  • New drapes for my bedroom and the living room

  • Landscaping in front of the house

  • I am excited about the move, but there are a few things still bothering me that I need to work out:
  • What do I do about getting Dino to school?

  • How will I get to work in time to be able to leave in time to get him from after care at a reasonable time?

  • Will I be able to manage this all on my own?

  • Just a few little things, really. It will all work out I am sure. Gotta run. Have to pack :)

    Thursday, May 15, 2008

    Have A Grand Time, Wish You Were Here

    Thanks to "R" who pointed me to a web source for my new motto on life. Here is the exact quote:
    "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start,
    anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
    - Carl Bard
    Much appreciated!

    Ok, I can't tell you how light I feel. Even though my ex called last night and picked a fight - and I fell into the trap and was manipulated to respond - I had a really good evening. Dino did awesome yesterday. He was sweet, caring, and attentive. He did well in school and at karate. It was cool.

    Side note - Dino sent up a scare on Tuesday at school. He was having a strangely manic episode where he was incoherently babbling, talking in a sing-song voice and would suddenly switch to a whisper and then to a deep voice and then to a high-pitched voice. It scared the teacher a bit because she heard him say that someone put something in his pajamas and that he was told not to call the police because God would take care of it. Then he started to sing "God Is Bigger Than The Boogie man" from the Veggie Tales. She properly freaked. So did I when she told me about it at an emergency meeting at the school yesterday. I had to meet with her and the school counselor. They were concerned about his statement but also about his suddenly erractic behavior. When they asked him to repeat what he said, he claimed that he didn't remember what he said and that it was "out of my head". We agreed at the meeting to keep an eye on him and that we would take notice of any other red flags. I spent the day worrying about it and being really angry at the thought that someone was misleading my little boy.

    I talked to him after school. I couldn't help myself. I had to find out what was going on. He has had child safety courses at school, at karate, and when he was in pre-school. He knows the difference between good and bad touches, and he can properly identify his "safe grownups" (parents, the doctor, a policeman, his teacher). I asked him first if there was anything bothering him, if he was scared about anything, or if he wanted to talk. Typical Dino response - "No, I don't want to talk about anything..." - but I had to press a little. I asked about the song he sung for his teacher. He seemed embarrassed and I made sure he knew that I wasn't upset or angry. Just wanted to find out what he said. He started to talk about the Veggie Tales movie "What Do I Do When I'm Scared". Well, folks, it all became crystal clear as he spoke. He miscontrued part of the plot of the movie, but in essence, Junior Asparagus watches a scary movie on TV. He then goes to bed scared of the shadows and strange shapes in the dark. Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber appear and tell him it's ok, that it was only a show, and that God is bigger than any Bogeyman that would come from our imaginations. They say "Is that monsters in your pajamas? Is that Godzilla in the hall?" then Bob asks Junior what he is going to do. Junior says, "I'm going to call the police" in a hushed whisper. Bob then says, "No, you're not going to DO anything". "What? Why?" asks Junior. Then they start to sing "God is Bigger than the boogie man, he's bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on TV"....and so on.

    Well, I realized that his "manic" behavior was really Dino re-enacting the entire scene for his teacher, complete with all the voices, the dialogue (a little misunderstood) and the song. It was almost laughable. I called his teacher and left her a voice mail to let her know that what she heard was not what she thought. I was so relieved let me tell you! One good thing came out of all of this - I found that his school does act immediately on things and that they are very caring and supportive of me. They know what is going on at home and they have been very understanding and supportive of Dino as well.

    Ok, enough of that. I must go now and find a reasonably priced LCD screen TV for my new bedroom. The EX is taking the one from the kitchen now and the desk in the hall as well. But, since I am still getting everything else, I don't care. The TV in the kitchen sucked anyway because unless you were standing right in front of it, you didn't really see the picture.

    Hey, DG! I want to go to the Sears Outlet to look for a fridge and the TV. Care to join me?

    Have a good one all!

    Wednesday, May 14, 2008

    Done, Done, Really Done

    April 29th, 2008.

    That is the day my divorce was finalized.
    That was the day that my freedom was restored (but not my sanity).
    That will be the day that I remember as the first day of the rest of my life.

    A quote I read yesterday:
    No one can go back and make a new beginning. You can only go from here and make a new end.

    When I can find the author of that quote, I'll update my post. It's lost in my brain somewhere. Happy Day! Please raise a toast for me :)


    Tuesday, May 6, 2008

    Lost in Space

    Been a little absent minded, not to mention absent from cyber-space. Where have I been, you ask? Here is the low-down:

    - Packing
    - Arranging home inspection
    - Packing
    - Working
    - Packing
    - Waiting for settlement
    - Did I mention Packing?

    Settlement is 5/30/08 at 10 a.m. No time to waste! I am getting to take everything but the patio furniture and kitchen table. I am not taking it all, but most. I am leaving the stuff that was "his" before we met. And, letting him deal with the crap in the basement. Just sayin'.

    Later gators!