Sunday, June 8, 2008

To Everything - Turn, Turn, Turn

Mr. Karate Owner approached me yesterday morning after Dino's karate class. Turns out they were doing a demo at the opening of Kung Fu Panda at the Regal on Friday night and Mr. Karate Owner saw the Ex there. I was stunned and angry. Not sure why Mr. Karate Owner felt the need to mention it, but I was angry because Ex said he could not take Dino this weekend as he was busy getting the house ready for sale. Uh-huh. I am also super jealous that he is already seeing someone (and has been apparantly) while I can't even have 10 minutes to myself to pee.

I have been thinking long and hard on it, actually. I am also sick. This makes me rather introspective when it probably shouldn't...I am taking a little trip down Memory Lane. So hands and feet inside the car at all times, fasten your seat belt, and away we go!

I met the Ex while he was still separated from his first wife. He was sad and lonely and so was I. He was also aggressively attentive to me. He would tell me stories about how his soon-to-be Ex would be incredibly unrealistic and nutty. Silly me. I thought SHE was the crazy one. Little did I know. I should have known, though, when the first time I helped him clean his house he actually ran his finger through the bowl of the sink to be sure it was clean. He laughed it off as a joke, but that should have been a HUGE fuckin' red flag waving in my face. Control freak - as in Sleeping With the Enemy freak! Ding, ding, ding, danger Wil Robinson!

Oh no, not me. I just kept plugging away. He was kidding after all.

Only a few short months into the courtship and we were living together. Less than a year later, we would be engaged. He was the perfect predator, grooming his prey. I was given "suggestions" or "ideas" on how to improve our sex life, or how to please him in other ways. Gosh, just typing this is making me angry enough to want to cockpunch him! Anyway, for some stupid reason I went along with all of this. Even down to reading the Kama Sutra for ways to "please my man". Funny, he never really cared about what I wanted. Wait, I digress....

We rushed the relationship and that is what he is doing again with some other poor sap. Still, it makes me nuts that I can't seem to move on so quickly. I wonder why? I wanted to end the madness, so why can't I just fuggetaboutit?

Well, because I was really hoping that he was the one. He obviously didn't think that way about me. He is also a man - and no offense to any man that reads this - he thinks with his appendage between his legs. That is where he "feels" too. Therefore he is only caring about how to relieve the need for his physical desires and not the needs internal to him - like how to treat someone with respect just because they deserve it. Not because he wants something in return. And he always does.

Also, I am having a hard time because I can't be callous enough to just run out and find the first willing victim to trash and make myself feel better. That appears to be his M.O. Find 'em vulnerable and use them until they have nothing left. Move on to the next. Wait....isn't that a sci-fi movie? What was that? Hmmmm, sounds so familiar....

Oh, right. Because that is what he did with me! See. Silly aren't I?

Back to why I can't "let it go". It's only been a month. It's not like I can just cut off an arm and forget it was there. There is some mourning to do. Some adapting to learn to do things different. There is some personal growth I need to make. And, for the sake of my sanity, I MUST get over my crush on Mr. HKG! He's got a live-in girlfriend with a kid. Sheesh. Still, he is totally HOT. And I am just looking. Again, I digress....

I am adapting. I am trying to figure out how I will do this by myself. After living in my own home for a week (SQUEE!) and having darling sisters to help me unpack my life so quickly, I have come to realize that I am still struggling to be strong inside. One good thing is that I am pretty sure I have what it takes to make it successful. I am just a little burnt by the past 8 years of being told that I am nothing. And my family being told that I am nothing behind my back (oh, yeah, that was a grand revelation!). And his family being told I am nothing behind my back. The only person who didn't think I was nothing was Dino. Am I sad about that? Heck no. I am pissed as hell. And, I am not taking it anymore.

Ok, so our trip down memory lane ends here. I am sure there is someone out there that thinks that my Ex is the shit and that she won't be able to live without him. I got some advice for you honey - he ain't. And you CAN live without him. Trust me. I am doing it and so can you. I hope you enjoyed your ride.

1 comment:

Adorable Girlfriend said...

One day at a time. That's how I do it.

One. Day. at a Time.