Thursday, July 24, 2008

We're Outta Here

Leaving tomorrow for the mountains and our yearly family reunion. Dino and I haven't been there since he was tiny. It should be a blast. Wish I could really be camping, but we are staying in a cabin (I think. It may be a house. Whatever!) I just can't wait to get away...

On a really sad note, Dino found out the hard way that neighbors are not always nice. When we came home from karate tonight, the kids across the street were playing with the kids around the corner. Dino went over to ask to play. I was in the laundry room and didn't hear him come in and go to his room. When I found him there, he was crying. Turns out the snotty kids across the street told him that he couldn't play with them "because there were too many kids" and their aunt (who was supposed to be watching them but was no where to be seen) can't handle any more. Well, this crushed Dino. And I was HOT. I marched over there and confronted the one kid - Jill - who then told me that her aunt said no more kids could play. Since my child was the only one left out, I was really angry, but I had to understand. I also was ticked that the beeotch was not outside or anywhere around while the band of kids were running amok. WTF? I was willing to be there while Dino played, but I decided that it was just not worth the aggravation. I explained to Dino that since their mom wasn't home, the aunt just couldn't be expected to keep her eyes on so many of them (there were actually a couple of her own kids there). So, we came home. He was so confused. I calmly explained (even thought I didn't feel calm) that when a sitter is watching someone's kids, it's not a good idea to have extra kids over. In all, there were already 8 kids running around. Dino said "But I'll watch myself!" He didn't really get it. I said that it wasn't because of him, that the kids were probably just doing what they were told. He then commented, "It's because their mom doesn't like you and she is turning people against us." Well, that he must have overheard me saying to my friend so I quickly stopped him and told him that the comment was adult talk and not to be repeated. Deep down inside, I felt he was probably right. I hope not. But, we won't find out until next week.

Right now, I just want to finish packing and go to bed. Tomorrow we leave! Have a great weekend everyone!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Too Hot

Good news to share #1:
Geek Chick needs a rest. It was a crazy weekend! I had a great date on Saturday night. Shawn and I went to dinner, took a walk by the water front, played Wii games and downed an entire bottle of wine. We kissed, talked, and had fun with Wii Play. It was really a nice night - and morning. We ended up being up all hours and almost watched the sun rise. Wow. And, he's hot. Just sayin'.

Naturally, I was really beat and slept until 10 a.m. yesterday. Then it was rush, rush, rush. After watching the final episode of Avatar:The Last Airbender (that DG so graciously recorded on her DVR for us. Thanks, DG!) and getting Dino home from his cousin's house, I rushed to get ready for my "next date" with another guy. This one I had been talking to on the phone. Since the heat index was so high, I decided to dress cool. Still, I think I looked good. At least, I felt good! Well, that date didn't work out so well. We barely spent an hour together. I could tell right away that he was not interested in me, but I went through the dinner anyway. Hey, it was worth that, right?

Well, it was to me. The food was good. Steve is a really nice guy, but I don't think that he is into having a relationship as much as having someone in his life right now. He hasn't even filed for divorce yet! 'Sides, Shawn and I hit it off so well, that I was probably putting off some vibe to stay away. I'm honest at least.

So, no harm, no foul. After picking Dino up from my older sis's house and fighting weird traffic all the way home, I finally crawled into bed at 10 p.m. And, I was exhausted!

Good news to share #2:
I am finally losing weight again. I was on a comfort eating binge for a few weeks and gained 10 pounds. I think I shared that before. Anyhoo, this morning, I am down 5 of those pounds. Whew! I just need to get in my 30 minutes of workout every day to be fully back on track. That is my next initiative. I am looking at hitting my mini-goal by this time next month! That would be just amazing....and I found this great online community (free! can't beat that) for Atkins followers. Interestingly (is that a word?) the board is very active and has a good number of followers. I can't wait to see how I progress. I already shared my before and during pictures with them. I want to do the same here...



Don't I look hot? LOL Seriously, I need to keep these pics in front of me to remind me where I was and where I am going....One day, I may post a bathing suit pic! Ok, maybe not, but hey, I can dream :)

Friday, July 18, 2008

Friends

The past two nights we have had guests to play with Dino. The three "wild" boys from two blocks away surprised us last night by coming to knock up for Dino. Since it was so hot, I allowed them to play indoors. I discovered that these boys are not really wild at all. They are actually very polite, sweet kids. They are allowed to play around the neighborhood because their mom believes they are in a much safer place than they had been when they lived in Philly. Well, technically, they are. Anyway, they are really nice kids and I was so happy to have Dino playing with kids around his own age.

As I puttered about the house, Dino and his three new friends talked, argued, and played. Even when they argued, they were nice about it. It was great to hear Dino socialize with his peers in a "normal" way. Usually I only witness him being petulant or disruptive. It was a really nice change. When they were done playing, I invited the new friends over any time they wanted. So, naturally, they came by today.

I'm loving this "neighborhood" thing.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Blue

My dear friend (I'll just call her MV) has recently split from her husband of 8 years. Seems to be an epidemic in my circle these days. She desperately needed to get away from this guy, so that much I am ok with. What I am not ok with is her luck in finding a new guy almost immediately.

MV and I go back about 9 years. We met when I worked in a different department and became friends almost right away. She was cool, fun, and we had a good deal in common. She and I have shared almost everything since then. In fact, it is she that started me on Atkins when I saw how well it worked for her. She is upbeat, confident, strong, and fiercly independent. She is also much more optimistic than I am.

When MV came by last week, she talked about this new "guy". It's someone she had seen back in high school. They dated a few times and things didn't click then. Well, they do now! She is so happy and excited about this new relationship. I am really happy for her, really. I believe she deserves her piece of happiness right now. She has had it very hard for the past several years with her soon-to-be ex. His mental instability and addictions really took their toll.

The thing is, I think I deserve a piece of happiness too. So why can't a nice guy fall into my lap at this point? The fragile ego I have right now is taking quite a beating. I am really beginning to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am not pretty enough. I am not skinny enough. I am not special enough. Everyone has someone but me. Even my psycho Ex has a GF for crying out loud! I almost had a guy, but he got scared off.

Now, before you start commenting and telling me to knock it off, take a big girl pill or whatever, please note that I am going through more grieving. This is just how I make it through. The other thing is, I know I got into trouble before, just wanting a man in my life. That's how I got to be married in the first place. I am not looking for just "any" man to fill a void. I am looking for that One. The man that makes me happy to see him, happy to talk to him. The man that thinks that I am pretty special. The man that wants to be with me.

So I am blue right now. That man doesn't seem to exist. And I look at the road as being pretty lonely and empty...

Update- 09:39 PM
What the hell was up with me??? I looked back on this because I was having a major pity party for myself. Freak. I really hoped I was beyond this crap. Guess not.

Still, I do have some nice things to share. Just got off the phone with a new male friend. We are planning on meeting up on Sunday for dinner. Also, my friend Shawn and I are making plans to meet. We have been pen pals since March and I think it is finally time to put a face to the emails. He is a rock, and very funny. So, you see, it's not all bad in Geek Chick's world.... just got to figure out why I keep feeling so damn sorry for myself from time to time.

Oh, and I still don't think I am pretty enough, or skinny enough, but I think that I am just fine FOR NOW. To prove it, I am doing something I never thought I would do - share my pic with you all....



I may need to lose a few more pounds (and get my teeth fixed, but that is a whole other story) but I am trying to feel ok in the skin I am in at this moment. So there...

It Ain't Easy Being Green

Whoo-hoo! The recycling center near me takes cardboard. And bottles, and cans, and plastics and paper. Awesome. I took a car load of boxes and paper there on Sunday morn. It was cool.

Also, finished my one market bag and decided to check it out at the store. Dino and I got 3 microwave meals, mozzarella cheese, a box of ice cream bars, two packs of strawberries, and some shredded cheddar. It fit nicely in the bag with room to spare. And I felt great not getting any plastic bags! I decided to make one for DG, AG, and my older sis. Everyone should have one of these bags. They are too cool...

Doing what I can to reduce my foot print.

So what's going on with GeekChick?

Well, I am disappointed in myself. Since my divorce I have gained back 10 pounds. NOT GOOD, PEOPLE! Yes, I yelled that. I am angry with me. I should know better. Also, with my birthday celebrations over, I can blame some of that weight gain on all the carbs I ate while I partied it up.

So now I have to have a plan to attack the unwanted extra baggage. And to get my butt in gear. My schedule is really crazy, but I have to be able to fit in a workout somewhere! I don't think I will go back to induction for Atkins. I really don't want to cut out all the carbs as I had done before. Plus, I am really sick of eggs. I need to find something lo-carb that will be something I can stick to forever. Really, being honest with myself, I knew the carbs would put weight back on. It's how my body reacts that is the problem. Ok, and the quality of the carbs that is the other problem. Didn't need to eat the rolls with the burger or hot dog. So, I have a long way to go to get over this food issue...sigh.

Also, I am conversing with a new guy now. This time, I am keeping caution in the forefront. Don't need to be "tripping" about another man at this point. I really just want to take care of me right now. I need it.

The BBQ on Sunday was a blast, but I was cranky for some of it. Turns out, and pardon me if this is TMI, that Aunt Flo was on her way and I didn't know it. No signs, so signals. I was at work yesterday (totally unprepared!) and she just showed up. So, I had to rush home and change. I was humiliated. But, it explains why I was cranky when I really didn't want to be. Still, everyone seemed to have fun. And, I got to meet a famous blogger! Whoo-hoo! Love ya, AG!

So, rambling is over now. Have to get back to work. Hope you all are having a great week!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Sadness

What makes GeekChick Sad?

* Dino being away

* My Mother not calling to wish me a happy birthday

* A guy I have been corresponding with for 3 months and realize that I can have a great relationship with - lives about 50 miles away

* My neighbors treating me like crap because I asked for quiet after 10 pm

* I'm out of lo-carb ice cream and I'm already in my jammies

* Being out of that cool soft sock yarn

* Realizing that I can take Dino to Disney real cheap - wait! That's not sad!

* The Coreys will never be like brothers again

But, what makes GeekChick happy?

* Dino smiling and laughing

* Knowing that I am doing a great thing for my son and future

* Fresh baked chicken

* Finding a yarn sale with cool colors

* Getting to sleep in

* Time to CHILL

* Project Runway reruns

* Having a great guy to correspond with

* Knowing that I am 40, but feeling 20

* Losing another pound - and being only 15 pounds from my first goal

Disturbances

It was Wednesday night, around 9:30. The neighbors' three children were running around their yard, screaming, laughing, having a grand time. I tried to ignore it, really. They live directly across the street and the screaming was getting on my nerves.

Finally at 10:15 I could take no more. I looked out the window a few times and didn't see any adults. Where was their mother? She and I have spoken on a few occassions and she seemed like a sweet, nice, reasonable woman. I didn't see anyone. So, I stepped outside and called over to the kids...

"Hi guys, do you think that you can stop screaming? My son is trying to sleep.."

Before I knew it, the mother, Kelly, flew over in a rage. She started to scream from the sidewalk in front of her house, "It's ok! They are just having fun! It's summertime, you know!"

I was taken aback. First by the fact that she let her children be public nuisances at 10:15 at night (they are aged 9, 7, and 5) but also by her complete about face in being friendly. I was nice as pie when I asked them to stop screaming (seriously, they are only kids after all!), but she just totally freaked.

My son's bedroom is in the front of the house, and I could hear every shriek. I mentioned this to Kelly.

"Oh, I think the walls are thick enough! They are just having fun! It's summertime." She turned abruptly and walked away in a huff.

Yes, I know it is summertime. However, there is such a thing as common decency. There is such a thing as a noise ordinance. There is such a thing as a fine for disturbing the peace.

I watched her walk for a few seconds and called out, "Ok, thank you". Read that in the tone of voice a person would use with a mental patient.

Yesterday, I tried to put it out of my head, but it just wouldn't leave. How and why did this woman turn so quickly against me? I also tried to talk to her about it. I saw their door open, so I went to knock. The door was suddenly closed. I knocked and stood for a few moments. I knocked again. And stood. I could hear them inside the house. At this point, I was annoyed that she was being so immature. Finally, the door opened and the oldest girl was standing there. I simply asked for her mom. She was "in the bathroom". Ah, right. Ok, well, I apologized to the kids anyway. Seriously, I shouldn't have. I felt that perhaps Kelly freaked out because I shouldn't have talked to her kids, but directly to her. The oldest child was sweet and I said I would come back in a little bit to talk to her mom...

I didn't get a chance to do so. I took Dino out to ride his scooter around the block. I figured if I could catch her out, we could iron this out. Nope. She was standing at another neighbors house. They were staring at me and then both turned their backs as I walked by.

Are you serious? Is this f-ing high school?

I give up. I tried to be nice about it, even though I don't think I am wrong. I tried to be mature about it. Next time, I call the cops lady. You can deal with them.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Acceptance

You know, there is a good deal of grieving that I still have to do. I have to get over the fact that my 8 year marriage ended so badly. I have to get used to the fact that Tony isn't ever going to be friendly towards me and will continue to blame me for his problems (see Update below for more on that). And I have to come to terms with facing my life on my own after 10 years of togetherness with someone else - someone psycho, but that's not important right now...

So, DABDA everyone! The stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

My current state is working on the Acceptance. I have been through the others several times over. Tony is stuck in Denial....

UPDATE:
I had spoken to Tony on the phone after yesterday's incident and asked him why he couldn't put Dino first. He couldn't answer. Instead, he kept trying to turn the conversation into a pity party for himself and to blame me for all his issues. All I kept saying was "this isn't about you, it's about Dino. Can we talk about Dino please?" It was really sad. For the very first time I realized that Tony can't put anyone else before himself. In his world, he is all that matters. I had an epiphany. All of his life he has had someone to do everything for him. He doesn't really hate me, (even though he screamed it several times on the phone), he hates the fact that I CAN stand on my own without needing him or any other man. He can't stand on his own. He is so used to everyone taking care of him that he doesn't have any idea of what it is like for him to be by himself. That is why he rushed out to get a new girlfriend right away. It wasn't really to replace me in his life. It is to replace the empty void. Just as I was a replacement to his previous ex-wife, who was a replacement for the woman to whom he was engaged before her. It's a vicious cycle really. While talking to my dear friend, Fr. John, last night I realized for the first time that I was specifically groomed to be the rescuer to Tony's victim. His current GF is no doubt just like me - big heart, trusting, helpful - and he is using that to his advantage the way he used me. Tony doesn't really "love" people, he uses them. When they have no further use, the "love" wears off.
Anyway, during the conversation I find that he had the GF spend time with them on Saturday, that she spent the entire day with them. He refused to tell me more about her except that she is "a decent person". Great, so she isn't a drug pusher? Or a criminal? And Tony is the best judge of character, right? Anyway, the only thing I could get him to agree to at that point was to see the therapist with me to talk to her about co-parenting Dino. Setting boundaries, working out a plan, that is what she will have us working on. I set up the appointment for next week - and we can't bring Dino with us. I will need to find someone to take him for me. And, I have the joy of telling Tony that the therapist doesn't want Dino exposed to the GF at all this weekend. Right. Like that is going to happen.

Anyway, that is where we are right now. All I can do is hope and pray that Tony realizes that he is totally screwing up his kid's head. And, I hope he gets a really nasty case of jock itch...(ok, mature of me I know...tee hee)

Monday, July 7, 2008

Another One Bites The Dust...

Dave flaked on me. Turns out that he doensn't want "stress" or to deal with Tony's continual power plays. Don't blame him actually. I don't want to deal with them either! Part of me also thinks that Dave saw an easy conquest in me, being newly divorced and all. It seems to be a common theme these days. So, although the Inner Harbor was a nice visit, and the dinner was yummy, I am not all that upset about the loss of another date. I wasn't "feeling it" anyway, to be totally frank. So I guess in a way, I was using him too. I am a bit annoyed that Tony scared off someone I was trying to get to know. But, since it wasn't the stellar experience I was hoping for, no foul, no harm. Onward and upward, that's my new motto.

So, on Friday AM at 12:20, I left Tony this long message about wanting to get things off my chest and about how he needed to step up and grow up. If he was serious about not seeing Dino anymore, all he had to do was terminate his parental rights. No questions asked, no fight from me. Believe me, y'all, I would rather save Dino the years in therapy later! Still, I offered that if Tony DID want a relationship with his son, that I would help set up a therapy appointment for the two of them. Most of Dino's stress is from him so it makes perfect sense that dad should accompany Dino to therapy and hear about the crap going on first hand.

At 9:30 AM Friday, Tony called to see if he could have Dino back. I hesitated at first. What if the same thing happened? I told him that he could have him Saturday into Sunday, but that I would not be dragged into anymore crap. I cannot continously come to his "rescue" when he couldn't get Dino to do what he wanted. He agreed and also stated that he would like to attend therapy with Dino. Hallelujah! A glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.... Tony arrived early Saturday and I made him wait outside while I got Dino out the door. I hate to be a beeotch, but I wanted to make it clear that he was not welcome in my home at this point. Once his attitude/control issues are resolved, maybe. But not now. They left and I fell into my chair exhausted...

For the rest of the weekend, I kept myself busy. I got my nails done, had my sister and niece over for lunch, attended fireworks with DG and family. Sunday was a blur or repotting plants, cleaning the deck, steam cleaning my carpet, laundry, putting together my new vacuum and watching the marathon of Clean House on Style. Yup, that's one of my guilty pleasures. I also discovered The Two Coreys this weekend. Wow, are they messed up! I had no idea....and I still have a crush on Feldman. So sue me....

Anyway, Tony kept Dino over last night and took him to camp today. He felt the need to call me at work and give me the "status report" that Dino was a "good boy" and there were no issues. I repeated back, "Oh, so you didn't have any problems dealing with Dino? That's good. For you." The man truly believes that Dino is the problem, people! I can't wait to get him to Dino's therapist. He is in for a rude awakening.

And guess what? Tony felt the need to leave me a message tonight about how I didn't leave any batteries in the house, and how the food in the pantry is expired. Do I really give a flying FLOCK? I actually laughed when I listened to the message. I resisted the tiny urge to call him back and tell him to get over himself. When I left, a month ago, the food wasn't expired. I really don't get this guy. Why would he think I cared? He is having a really hard time letting go. And a teensy itsy bitty part of me is feeling sorry for him. But after Thursday night, that part is easily crushed by my new onward and upward drive. I will not give him any satisfaction by calling him back. He can eat expired pasta if he wants. I cooked myself a steak :)

Have a good one!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Coolness...and Totally NOT Cool

Dave is great. Just want you all to know that. The ride was adventurous to say the least ;) Traffic wasn't bad getting there. He took me to Baltimore Inner Harbor, where we had a wonderful seafood dinner overlooking the harbor and then sat and talked. We made awesome time getting down to Baltimore, but hit some heavy traffic on the way home. We were in a bit of a rush because....

***WARNING: Strong language and adult content****
At 7:43 I checked my phone. I had 6 voice mail messages. A couple were from my sisters, but most were from my prick EX. He called at 7:12, 7:16, 7:23, and 7:30. He left messages that said it was urgent, an emergency, and that it's "real nice he couldn't get a hold of me when he needed to"... I panicked and called him immediately. Turns out, his fucking emergency was that Dino wouldn't get out of the neighbor's pool. He said he was driving to my house and dropping him off. I let him know I wasn't home. He then said I had to pick him up, that he was calling his lawyer, that he never wanted Dino again and he didn't give a shit about it. He advised me to get my lawyer. I told him the soonest I could get there would be at least 2 hours and that I would be there as soon as I can. I admit it, I wasn't nice. Neither was Tony. He called me a fucking bitch that didn't give a shit about his son. (HIS son????) He demanded to know where I was. I told him none of his fucking business and I would be there in two hours. I hung up on him.
I then called him again and said - have him ready when I get there. I hung up again before I could hear any more of his abuse. I was seething. And totally humiliated in front of Dave, who, being the sweet guy that he was, just let me vent. Seriously, I want to cut Tony's balls off and feed them to the sharks at this point...if he had any balls, that is.

I tried to put it out of my mind as Dave drove home. He knew the urgency I had. If Tony was that mad, he was taking it out on Dino. My son doesn't deserve his abuse! I made up my mind - if Tony never wants to see his son again, so be it. Dino is probably better off without a sick fucked up dad like that anyway. I will be calling my lawyer on Monday to see what can be done. No one, and I mean NO ONE is going to fuck with my kid and get away with it. He is using Dino as a pawn to continue to control and that is just fucked up and shitty in all ways....

I called my sisters to let them know I was ok, and that I was coming home to get Dino from his sick bastard dad. Then, I tried to enjoy what time Dave and I had left. I hope I didn't scare him away and we did talk about seeing each other again on Sunday to make up for this mess...

Once I got in my car and got on the main road from Dave's house (about an hour and a half later), I called Tony to let him know I was on my way. "He's sleeping."

WHAT??? WHAT THE HOLY FUCK????

I just said, "I'm 15 minutes away and I am coming to get him". I hung up. I took a deep breath and drove home on auto pilot. What the hell? If he was sleeping, why didn't he call me and tell me that so I wouldn't rush to pick him up? Because he is a deranged asshole that has this innate desire to fuck with people's heads. I got to the house (which now has a for sale sign, I might add) and didn't say a word to Tony. I picked up Dino, put the bags in the car in silence and drove away...

****end of adult content and strong language****

I am seriously freaked out by this entire incident. I wanted to say "screw you! Deal with our son!" but I knew Dino would suffer, and that I cannot have. I am so sad that Dino can't have a real dad, a normal dad, one that doesn't see him as something to control. I am crying because this is so seriously messed up and I can't force Tony to see how he is making his son hate him. And Dino will hate him. And Tony will blame everyone but himself....

And it looks like I am a completely single parent after all.

***Update: Turns out with a little internet searching, I cannot force Tony to take his weekends. And, the only way to get Tony out of Dino's life is to file for his parental rights to be terminated. I really think that Tony will fight that - mainly because this was just yet another attempt of his to control me. I GUARANTEE that he will call me tomorrow and demand to have Dino Saturday for the cousin's birthday party...anyway, since he is being the baby in all this, I will have to step up to the plate and try to work parenting issues out. It just sucks. Major donkey balls. g'nite!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Final Countdown

Tomorrow night is my first date with Dave. Strange to be writing that - I feel like I have known him for a long time! Funny, too, that I had a dream about him last night after talking to him for a couple of hours. See what flowers can do for a chick? ;)

Anyway, I am dying with anticipation. I should be in bed now, but I can't sleep yet. I feel like it's the night before the first day of school, or the night before prom, or the night before....well, a first date! LOL That delicious feeling of joy, anticipation, fear, doubt, yet total confidence is really quite overwhelming me now. If I had a wine cooler I would drink that just to chill out. I don't, sadly. So, I will have to settle for the white wine that I was given at Thanksgiving and never opened....or maybe I'll just take a bath. Whatever! I need to calm down. I need my beauty sleep so I can be fresh tomorrow.

Oh, and I have no idea where we are going - he is going to surprise me. That makes it even more fun! Really, I can't wait....he is going to email me the "instructions" on where we are meeting and then it is all a mystery from there. I feel like I am about to go on a treasure hunt :)

Well, better get to bed. I want to be well rested, right? Have a great holiday weekend y'all!