Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Acceptance

You know, there is a good deal of grieving that I still have to do. I have to get over the fact that my 8 year marriage ended so badly. I have to get used to the fact that Tony isn't ever going to be friendly towards me and will continue to blame me for his problems (see Update below for more on that). And I have to come to terms with facing my life on my own after 10 years of togetherness with someone else - someone psycho, but that's not important right now...

So, DABDA everyone! The stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

My current state is working on the Acceptance. I have been through the others several times over. Tony is stuck in Denial....

UPDATE:
I had spoken to Tony on the phone after yesterday's incident and asked him why he couldn't put Dino first. He couldn't answer. Instead, he kept trying to turn the conversation into a pity party for himself and to blame me for all his issues. All I kept saying was "this isn't about you, it's about Dino. Can we talk about Dino please?" It was really sad. For the very first time I realized that Tony can't put anyone else before himself. In his world, he is all that matters. I had an epiphany. All of his life he has had someone to do everything for him. He doesn't really hate me, (even though he screamed it several times on the phone), he hates the fact that I CAN stand on my own without needing him or any other man. He can't stand on his own. He is so used to everyone taking care of him that he doesn't have any idea of what it is like for him to be by himself. That is why he rushed out to get a new girlfriend right away. It wasn't really to replace me in his life. It is to replace the empty void. Just as I was a replacement to his previous ex-wife, who was a replacement for the woman to whom he was engaged before her. It's a vicious cycle really. While talking to my dear friend, Fr. John, last night I realized for the first time that I was specifically groomed to be the rescuer to Tony's victim. His current GF is no doubt just like me - big heart, trusting, helpful - and he is using that to his advantage the way he used me. Tony doesn't really "love" people, he uses them. When they have no further use, the "love" wears off.
Anyway, during the conversation I find that he had the GF spend time with them on Saturday, that she spent the entire day with them. He refused to tell me more about her except that she is "a decent person". Great, so she isn't a drug pusher? Or a criminal? And Tony is the best judge of character, right? Anyway, the only thing I could get him to agree to at that point was to see the therapist with me to talk to her about co-parenting Dino. Setting boundaries, working out a plan, that is what she will have us working on. I set up the appointment for next week - and we can't bring Dino with us. I will need to find someone to take him for me. And, I have the joy of telling Tony that the therapist doesn't want Dino exposed to the GF at all this weekend. Right. Like that is going to happen.

Anyway, that is where we are right now. All I can do is hope and pray that Tony realizes that he is totally screwing up his kid's head. And, I hope he gets a really nasty case of jock itch...(ok, mature of me I know...tee hee)

4 comments:

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Who knows what he is doing. I think the best thing for everyone is therapy.

Acceptance is hard. You will struggle with it from time to time, but you have gotten there!

Celebrate where you are and let Tony do what he needs to do!

Anonymous said...

Get the kid adopted by Angelena & Brad and get yourself into the convent!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Angie couldn't handle a white American baby...

CryssyeR said...

And I think Dino would scare the heck out of Shiloh!