Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Blue

My dear friend (I'll just call her MV) has recently split from her husband of 8 years. Seems to be an epidemic in my circle these days. She desperately needed to get away from this guy, so that much I am ok with. What I am not ok with is her luck in finding a new guy almost immediately.

MV and I go back about 9 years. We met when I worked in a different department and became friends almost right away. She was cool, fun, and we had a good deal in common. She and I have shared almost everything since then. In fact, it is she that started me on Atkins when I saw how well it worked for her. She is upbeat, confident, strong, and fiercly independent. She is also much more optimistic than I am.

When MV came by last week, she talked about this new "guy". It's someone she had seen back in high school. They dated a few times and things didn't click then. Well, they do now! She is so happy and excited about this new relationship. I am really happy for her, really. I believe she deserves her piece of happiness right now. She has had it very hard for the past several years with her soon-to-be ex. His mental instability and addictions really took their toll.

The thing is, I think I deserve a piece of happiness too. So why can't a nice guy fall into my lap at this point? The fragile ego I have right now is taking quite a beating. I am really beginning to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am not pretty enough. I am not skinny enough. I am not special enough. Everyone has someone but me. Even my psycho Ex has a GF for crying out loud! I almost had a guy, but he got scared off.

Now, before you start commenting and telling me to knock it off, take a big girl pill or whatever, please note that I am going through more grieving. This is just how I make it through. The other thing is, I know I got into trouble before, just wanting a man in my life. That's how I got to be married in the first place. I am not looking for just "any" man to fill a void. I am looking for that One. The man that makes me happy to see him, happy to talk to him. The man that thinks that I am pretty special. The man that wants to be with me.

So I am blue right now. That man doesn't seem to exist. And I look at the road as being pretty lonely and empty...

Update- 09:39 PM
What the hell was up with me??? I looked back on this because I was having a major pity party for myself. Freak. I really hoped I was beyond this crap. Guess not.

Still, I do have some nice things to share. Just got off the phone with a new male friend. We are planning on meeting up on Sunday for dinner. Also, my friend Shawn and I are making plans to meet. We have been pen pals since March and I think it is finally time to put a face to the emails. He is a rock, and very funny. So, you see, it's not all bad in Geek Chick's world.... just got to figure out why I keep feeling so damn sorry for myself from time to time.

Oh, and I still don't think I am pretty enough, or skinny enough, but I think that I am just fine FOR NOW. To prove it, I am doing something I never thought I would do - share my pic with you all....



I may need to lose a few more pounds (and get my teeth fixed, but that is a whole other story) but I am trying to feel ok in the skin I am in at this moment. So there...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just came across your blog via a friend's blog and read your "Blue" post. Okay, so maybe you were having a pity party AND maybe just maybe you were expressing your feelings. As a thirty something, intelligent, athletic, attractive [aren't we all mid-range?!?!?....minus the models :) ] woman, I too wonder if I'll ever find love again. Heck it's challenging to meet and greet FRIENDS at this point in the developmental curve, let alone a romantic partner I truly CLICK with!

Point being - you do deserve happiness; we all do. And happiness comes in many forms. Focus on doing what you love and putting yourself 'out there'...new experiences, adventures, etc. When you are happy and at peace you will meet the person who is right for you! :) Or at least that is what I tell myself.

Hugs,
J

Anonymous said...

Ummmm.... The convent would fix you right up!!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I think it's because we don't settle. Many women when bad break ups happen often settle or go back to something that is OK, but not super duper. However, they think it is because of the fear of being alone.

I say -- stand tall. Don't settle. It's better to be alone than settle.