Friday, August 29, 2008

Requiem For A Marriage

You know, blogging is like journalling. I think I may have mentioned it before. I find it really cathartic. I need that right now, in the worst way.

Dino left with his dad last night for a 4 day trip to the beach. It hit me really, really hard after they left. Why? Well, I think I know...

The divorce is now officially 4 months old. I never did give myself time or permission to grieve. I think it is time to do that. I had the "dates" and the time to give my ego a boost. Now I need to let my heart heal. I am feeling way too vulnerable to expose myself to a new person that may take advantage of that. Speaking of being taken advantage of - I just ended a relationship with a guy that I knew was a "casual" relationship. But, he tried to pull a fast one on me on Saturday - showed up at my house and then took off quickly after a little romantic interlude. Turns out that he was running out to go drinking with his buddies. So I told him it was over - I wasn't born yesterday and I don't want to be used like that again.

So, here I am. I feel like I am really mourning the loss of my husband - the one that I thought I had married. The man that I divorced was not him. I almost feel like I am a widow, with only memories of the good things to comfort me. The worst thing is that I am not a widow, I have to see this man every day when I drop Dino off and it just serves to remind me that when we were "good", we were pretty good. When it went "bad" it was horrid. (Sorry, couldn't help myself)

I will probably not be posting much else for a bit. I totally understand if you want to go read another blog for a few weeks :)

Monday, August 25, 2008

Mending Fences

My neighbor came over yesterday out of the blue. This is the same woman that yelled at me for asking her children to stop screaming at 10:30 at night several weeks ago. She knocked on my door to let me know that she had seen a huge racoon and that she was letting me know in case Nick or the dog was out and about. I seized the opportunity to apologize for the whole fiasco. She immediately stated that she was so sorry and that she realized that she was being such a bitch and was too embarrassed to say anything. I was so happy to have the conversation. We were able to mend our relationship in such a way that we both left the talk smiling. I was so happy, I can't tell you.

Just wanted to share....

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Fugly Stepsister; A Modern Fairy Tale

A little time ago, in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a fugly stepsister. Her sisters never mocked her for her fugliness, but she felt in her heart that they pitied her. Her only solace from her self-loathing was in her fiber arts. With only two needles and some wool, she was able to spin lovely adornments that were highly sought after by many in the kingdom.

She watched as her sisters each went onto an amazing journey, returning with a radiant glow about them. They found inner happiness and were able to smile and laugh, sing and dance. The fugly stepsister could not understand what it was that they had discovered. She became secretly bitter and angry. Her heart longed for the key to the song that the sisters sang. She foolishly believed that the song orginated from their respective princes. So she found someone that she could pretend was a prince to see if that unlocked the song. It did not. In fact, it made the fugly stepsister even more angry and bitter. Her very soul started to shrivel. Then, the most wonderful miracle happened. The fugly stepsister gave birth to the most gorgeous of babies. The Handsome Son was the toast of the fake prince's family and for a time, the fugly stepsister felt that they were actually accepting her. But, as the Handsome Son grew, it was more and more obvious that her in-laws were not really "family". They tolerated her, nothing more. This hurt the fugly stepsister and she began to look harder at the sham of a marriage she had created. She also realized that she had not even yet discovered the wonderful song. In a burst of self-realization, the fugly stepsister decided to be true to what she felt was the honest course of action. The resulting chaos was difficult and painful. She prayed often that it would end and that she would be spared the agony of watching those she loved suffer from her choices. She retreated back into her shell, not allowing even those closest to her to know the true desire in her heart - to sing the song. If she could find the melody, she knew she would sing it forever. But she was afraid. What if she never finds the song? What if she fails, yet again, to understand the true nature of it's origin? What if she found the song, but realized that she couldn't sing it?

One day, the fugly stepsister decided that she no longer wanted to live in the shadow of her own fear and anger. She decided to set off on her own wonderful adventure... the only problem is, she just started. You will need to come back to find out if she ever finds the song....

Monday, August 18, 2008

Peaks And Valleys

The ex picked Dino up yesterday for his cousin's party. Dino also stayed overnight. I was not prepared for the girlfriend to be driving and I think I handled it very well. When they first pulled up, she didn't even look at me. We were outside waiting (they were 5 minutes late) and Tony came to get Dino's bags. I looked at him and said, "Are you going to introduce me to Karen?" He looked surprised. I promised to be nice, and he agreed. We were introduced, and I could see that Karen was not happy to meet me. She was civil, but looked nervous. Probably was afraid I would freak out again. But, we exchanged simple pleasantries and it was fine. I did notice that once again she had "presents" for Dino. Every time she sees him, she gives him stuff. It's starting to get on my nerves. I need to ask Tony to have this stop before Dino starts to think that he is getting presents all the time. And, it is hard for me to keep up with all that. Plus, I don't want all this extra crap in my house!

I was perfectly pleasant. Once they left, though, I was a bit annoyed. Then, I was downright depressed. She is blond, petite, and even though she is older than me, she is rather good looking. Don't know what she sees in him! Kidding. What really bugs me is that she was invited to the family event....and I wasn't. It made me really sad. I knew this was coming. I did, really. I just didn't prepare myself for the time when I would be "replaced" and didn't realize that it would hurt this much. I don't care about being replaced in his life. Karen will be eventually, too. And when she is, I hope she gets out sooner than I did. What bugs me is being replaced for the rest of the family. I was told to not even contact them. That hurts - bad. I thought they were my family for so many years. Now, I don't exist to them. For some reason, that makes me feel like dirt under the rug.

And, I am really jealous that Tony has someone, and I don't. I sort of have Shawn, but he doesn't know what he wants, and he doesn't call anymore. He emails me once in a while and we make plans that way. I hid my profiles on the other sites because I knew I wasn't in a good place with myself to be open to someone else. I know this about myself, but it doesn't lessen the pain of being lonely. And I am lonely. I was in a terrible funk yesterday because of it.

My BIL and nephew were over helping me rebuild the gate to my back yard. They are awesome, and I can't begin to express my gratitude to them! They totally build a gate out of 2x4s and wood screws. Imagine that. It looks great. When I get a chance, I will restain the fence so it all matches. Pretty darn cool, if I say so myself. And, it was cheap. Only $38 dollars! Can't beat that. Also, Ed has a way about him that just makes me feel good inside. We laughed and joked almost the entire time. It was a really productive afteroon.

Once they were gone, though, the funk returned. I spent 4 hours putting up pictures, removing Tony from the collage frames, and hanging stuff around. I have to say, that felt pretty good. I also vacuumed, did laundry, and cleaned the toy room. Anything to keep busy. I didn't feel like eating, but I forced myself to eat anyway. I don't remember it having a taste.

So, I am back in one of those proverbial valleys. The only great thing is we are just about ready for the dog. Only have to put together the kennel and find it's place in the house. Two more days until my baby can come home. Then I know I won't feel so bad about being left alone in the house....

Saturday, August 16, 2008

It's A Girl!

Wondering where GeekChick has been? Well, we have been busy preparing to welcome our newest edition to our family. I always wanted a little girl, and now, I will finally be getting one.....and she is a real cutie.

Here, see for yourself.

Isn't she pretty? She is 14 months old, loves people (especially kids) and seems to get along well with other dogs. We found her this week, went to see her yesterday, and adopted her the same night. She is playful, and I can't wait to bring her home! I have to wait until Wednesday for the vet to neuter and insert her microchip. I hate waiting. In fact, we went back to the shelter again today to walk her and play with her some more. She came out of the kennel area and came right up to me and licked me and laid at my feet. We're bonded! But, I have some things to do to get ready for her arrival:

1. Fix the gates to the back yard so she is free to roam. The one side has no gate, the other needs some work. My darling BIL and nephew are coming tomorrow to work with me on getting the gates fixed.

2. Find room in the house for the dog crate. I am thinking the play room, but I have to gut out the toys or she will tear them apart. Or, I can put it in the dining room for now, and move it into the kitchen during the day. Working on that...

3. Set up a vet appointment at the local veternarian.

4. Find the dog parks in the area. 'Cause I can't wait to visit them once she is settled.

We are so excited about our darling coming. Dino has renamed her "Katara" because her original name "China" didn't really do her justice. She needed a pretty girls name....

We went shopping today and were able to secure just about everything we need. I just need one more dog gate for inside the house. We have the crate, bedding, bowls, food, chews, toys, treats, coller, and leash. We need to put her through training, but she is smart and she will figure it out.

Off I go to get some more things put away. Can't have a baby around with so much exposed, can I? :) I'll post more on Katara later.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Just Sayin'

From DG, I have the following inspiration to rant....

Hey, other parents at karate: No, my son is not a brat. No, he is not intentionally distracting the entire class. He has ADHD. He makes faces, speaks out impulsively, and twitches when trying to stand still because HE CAN'T HELP IT. Get off my freakin' case already with the advice on how to force him to "behave". I have the self-help books. I have the doctor. I have the therapist. He tries to be "good", he really does. Stop looking at me like I am the bad parent and start looking at your own sweet, golden haired child spitting at the other kids behind your back.

Darling Mr. HKG: Ditto to you. I know you mean well. And as much as I luv you, I don't think you quite get it where Dino is concerned. He can usually handle the 45 minute class when there are less than 16 students to compete with. However, when it is just the 5 of them, for some reason, he acts out more. And you making him do millions of push ups isn't really helping. In fact, it is defeating for him and he threatens to quit every time. I don't know how to "fix" it. Believe me, I would if I could. Thank you for caring enough about Dino to want to try to help him. That means a lot. I also thank you for the lovely phone conversation we had on Monday. I hope you realize that I want to work with you on this. Call me. Seriously. We'll do...lunch. Yeah, lunch.

Dear Angry Neighbor: Ok so, like, three weeks ago you got mad because I asked your screaming obnoxious children to stop screeching outside my window at 10:30 at night. Heaven forbid I should ask for some peace and quiet on a Thursday night, huh? Because, I don't know, some people get up at 4:30 in the morning for work. And Dino gets up at 6 a.m. Your little hellions may be able to sleep in until 10 a.m. but we don't have that luxury. So get off your high horse already, bee otch, and realize that you are just a miserable crone that is unhappy with her life and her marriage. Get over yourself.

Dear Jeff/Jeff/Jim/Dave/Ken: Thank you for paying attention to me the past few weeks on the dating websites. I am suddenly not interested in dating and therefore have no use for you - although you have already determined that you have no use for me, being larger than you expected. What I found was that your determination that I wasn't worth your while because I am not "slim" or "slender" was not only offensive, it was downright stupid on your part. I did put in my profile that I had a "few extra pounds". I know I am still overweight, but I am not obscenely fat as I once was. And I feel good. So there. PBLTT! I am taking a break from you men and your games. If you are so perfect, why are you single???? Oh, and it is totally NOT COOL to tell a woman you'll call her and then chicken sh1t out of it. If you don't want to date again, say so. You'll respect yourself more if you do.

Yo! Wonderful Tres Expensive School: Cancelling the bus is one of the worst things you could have done to me. Now I am left without a way to get Dino to school in the morning. Great. Thanks. I really feel like you put the screws to me good this time. When I asked for help, I got a list of people that live in the area and was told "good luck". Freakin' fabulous. I pray the ex doesn't sell his house anytime soon. Otherwise, my son will be in care at 6:30 a.m. and in after care until after 5. Not ideal and it makes me nuts.

Dearest, sweet, sweet boy: Put the freakin' DS down! It's no wonder I had to make it off limits, huh? Why not just wire it directly to your brain so you can play 24/7? I am sure you are smart enough to figure out a way to do that and make millions. Or become a mad scientist. Either way. Still, you are very smart. Why can't you see that your new friends don't want to play with you because you sent them away every day since we got back from vacation? And why can't you play like a normal kid and not like you are in charge of the world and all they do? And why do you have to give away your toys to these friends on a constant basis?
One other thing - what's up with not wanting to go to the birthday party? I love you, really I do. I just don't understand and it is making me nuts.

Hey Me: You are a freak, yes, but a nice one. Stop being so damned hard on yourself. You are trying. You have a lot to deal with. You also bit off more than you can chew. It's ok, you can admit it. You need a break. So take one already. Holding off on the dating is a good start. Now you need to pare down in other ways. Stop over planning every day. It's causing my right eye to twitch under the stress.
Oh, and thanks for the Chinese food last night, darling. Now that I finally lost the weight I gained from the Family Reunion, it's time to have a little water retention from Aunt Flo complicated by the sodium in the Egg Foo Young. Smart, real smart.

I have to do this more often! That was sweet.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Time To Get Mideval On My Butt

I ordered an elliptical machine. It is a compact one, nothing fancy, and just enough to get me started again. I can't wait for it to get here. Overstock has some pretty good prices and I got the email that it already shipped. Smaller butt, here I come!

So, quick update on Saturday's date. It was ok. Nothing spectacular. Jeff didn't talk hardly at all. I did almost all the talking and kept apologizing for it - to which he replied that I didn't have to apologize. I felt awkward and tense. We had dinner and went to see Dark Knight (awesome!). Then it was over. He gave me two quick kisses, said he would call me in a day or two, and we went our separate ways. Today is Wednesday. No call. Sigh. I sent him an email yesterday morning. No response. So, I give it one more night. If he doesn't call tonight, I am done for awhile. I'll concentrate on getting my body in shape along with my mind. I keep thinking of an old saying..."It'll happen when you least expect it"... So, when is that? I'm not getting any younger.

Thanks to Margie, AG, and FJ for commenting on my last post. Mr. HKG is truly an obsession. And I feel guilty for it. I guess that shows? Anyway, I feel better about it today. It's just like Billy Joel says, "It's just a fantasy, it's not the real thing. Sometimes a fantasy, is all you need...." Yeah right. Who's he kidding? I want the real thing, dammit! Oh well :)

We saw a fox yesterday - it was HUGE. As big as the neighbor's Lab puppy. I had never seen a fox that big. And it ran into our neighbors yard and into the park behind our development. Cool.

Lost the weight I gained from the family reunion - only to have water retention with Aunt Flo's pending visit. Cosmic practical joke?

Dino is having a tough time. He is getting unruly at karate again. He lost his belt this week. Mr. HKG and I had a long talk about it (and, yes, I enjoyed the conversation, but this was about Dino for goodness sake!) and he mentioned that if Dino can't get himself together soon, he may have to bump him back to the previous level. That means he would be in with white and yellow belts for a bit until he can control himself. ADHD aside, Dino is acting out more from confusion and anxiety. It weighs heavily on me. And, his dad is clueless, as usual. The burden of being the only responsible adult in Dino's life is starting to make me a bit nutty. Anyway, I told Mr. HKG that I don't want that to happen, but that Dino has to start to learn to control himself better, despite the ADHD. When I talked to Dino about it, he says,
"I can't help myself, Mommy. There is so much noise, I have to say something. I can't stop my body from moving. I know, I'm bad." It breaks my heart. Please, help me with suggestions! I have done some research and have some ideas, but I am starting to lose faith in myself as a mother. How can I help my little boy? And, no, I am not farming him out to Brangelina. They have enough on their hands already...

Finally, I started a new knitting project. I am making a sweater, hat, and blanket for my brother's baby, due in December. Started it last night. I feel better when I knit. I also want to knit a new sweater for me. I think I deserve one, don't you?

Saturday, August 2, 2008


I have always worked out things by writing or journaling. When I would really struggle with something, I would write about it and it would usually lead me to a resolution - or at least a path.

I have the hots for Mr. HKG. Ok, this is not exactly a revelation. The revelation is that I met his girlfriend last night - and she is almost just like me. I went to pick Dino up from the "Parent's Night Out" event that the dojo hosted last night. I was late (oops!) and didn't arrive until 30 minutes after it was over. Dino was the only child left and Mr. HKG was cleaning up. I felt awful! Standing at the door was a woman. Not the Barbie type that I had thought was his girlfriend! The woman I saw last week must have been either a student's mother, or a friend. No, this woman was slightly taller than me, and was a plus-sized beauty. Dark hair, dark eyes, white skin. She was very pretty and her body type was like mine, about 40 pounds heavier. The thing that got me was that she was someone I would have wanted to have been friends with in the past. She was friendly, warm, and gracious. And I liked her. Dammit.

Problem is, I am so hung up on being attracted to Mr. HKG that I am struggling today. Why is it that when I find the one guy that I am SOOOOO attracted to, that he already has a girlfriend? I have never had this deep of an attraction to ANYONE in my life. Seriously. And why is it that she had to be likable? And built larger? For some reason, I felt better when I thought it was the Barbie chick I had seen before. That made it easier for me to accept. If she was someone like me, then why can't I have him? Oh, that sounds so pathetic. I know it does. Bear with me on this...

The thing is, I really like him. And I am trying to get past the fact that he is:
a.) Too young for me
b.) In a different circle
c.) With a really nice person
d.) Not mine

I have a date with a really nice guy tonight. And here I am, hung up on Mr. HKG. What is wrong with me? I should be spending my day being hopeful for tonight. Instead, I am overwhelmed by feelings of regret and disappointment over Mr. HKG. I am strangely sad - like I was when I first found out he had a girlfriend and moved in with her. I am just weirded out.

Then I have to be honest with myself. I didn't have a prayer with HKG. Mostly for reasons a-c above. I know I have to accept that. So why can't I? I do have the possibility for a great relationship with a new guy, if I allow myself the opportunity.

So therein lies the rub. Fear. That could be why I am fixating on a man that I cannot have. Made especially harder because my dream guy actually does accept women of larger size. Most men don't. All of my previous first dates didn't. They took one look at me, saw I was a heavier woman, and decided I wasn't worth their time. That hurts. I admit it does. And yet, my dream guy does like a plus sized woman. That makes it more possible that I could find a guy like that too. And if my date turns out ok, then it should be good. My fear is that it won't turn out good. That this one will look at me as the others have and decide I am not what they want. That this will be yet another only date.

If so, this is it for awhile. I don't want to put too much energy into chasing a dream that may not be meant to be. If this date doesn't work out, I am taking a break for a bit. At least until I get to a place in my own heart and head where I feel better about myself and my place in life.

See, told you I would work it out.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Took My Big Girl Pill

The Ex called me a little while ago.

Wanted to know if I would let him take Dino to the shore for Labor Day Weekend. He then said his girlfriend was going.

My first reaction was, "Hell No!"

But then I took my big girl pill. I cannot keep Dino away from the situation forever. He has already met the GF (and has spent time with her) and it seemed to be fine. What was not fine was my reaction to her. So, I decided that it was time to let it go and let things be. Having the GF there will only keep Ex on his best behavior and not brow beat and verbally assault Dino. I did stress that he needs to keep aware of Dino's reactions and if he seems resentful or upset that he was not to discipline, but rather take Dino for some 1:1 time. Hopefully that will actually work. We'll see. In any case, I feel really good about it. I think it was time to let Dino see his dad with another woman and see how it goes. And, it gives me a 4 day weekend :)

What Camping Was Not

Since several days have lapsed without a post, and much has happened (including getting my new cell phone from work - a Blackberry! Can anyone say NEW TOY?), I have decided to catch up with what the weekend was not...

  • Hectic

  • Lots of sleep

  • Lots of quality time with Dino*

  • Un-fun (hey! It's my blog, I can say what I want)

  • Boring

  • Long enough

  • *Dino brought the DS and was pretty much plugged in during every waking moment.

    I loved seeing the family, seeing the old camping haunts, smelling the Caledonia air, being with Dino in the creek during the small windows of time he put the DS down to charge up, playing Pinochle, staring into campfires, getting to know my brother on a level I never thought I could before. It was HAWESOME. So good I stayed an extra day. And now it is over for another year. Bummer.

    And now to the events of the past few days, Cliff Notes style.

    - Dino was miserable and cranky. Refused to go to daycare on Wednesday. Ex allowed him to stay home. Egads! Dino got his way....again. When will the Ex learn?

    - Jeff and I talked a good deal last night. I really, really like him. We are going out tomorrow night. Hope it is not the only date.

    - Shawn is still contacting me. He doesn't want a "serious" relationship and doesn't know how he feels. I like him. We will be friends, I think.

    - Got my new cell. It's the bomb. Finally became assimilated as Borg (read, bluetooth earpiece). 2 of 7, that's me. 'Nuff said.

    - Want to get the garage cleaned out. Time to finish putting stuff away. Can't wait to get the vents in the attic.

    - Dino is becoming such a young boy. Gone are the baby days. He doesn't even like me to kiss him. Sigh.

    - Gained 5 pounds over the weekend. Ate tons of carbs (all that side of the family eats, really...wonder why I have a weight problem?). Back to basics.

    - Worried about parents. Mom is not well, and tries to hide it. Dad is, well, not sure. Both looked really old this weekend. Felt sad.

    - Savings being depleted. Knew this was coming. Bills piled up. Tuition, car insurance, mortgage, credit cards, utilities. Need to re-work my budget. Feel better that all is paid for now.

    - Dreamt about HGK for the first time in months. He looked hot last night, and I had no control over my subconscious. Realize that I just have to accept that I am attracted to him, but that is all. Really.

    - Ticked off that Arwen spends the rest of her days milling about an empty forest after Aragorn dies. WTF? Tolkein is a sadist.

    - Getting better at abbreviating things. This is fun.

    - Off to work. Rock on!