I have always worked out things by writing or journaling. When I would really struggle with something, I would write about it and it would usually lead me to a resolution - or at least a path.
I have the hots for Mr. HKG. Ok, this is not exactly a revelation. The revelation is that I met his girlfriend last night - and she is almost just like me. I went to pick Dino up from the "Parent's Night Out" event that the dojo hosted last night. I was late (oops!) and didn't arrive until 30 minutes after it was over. Dino was the only child left and Mr. HKG was cleaning up. I felt awful! Standing at the door was a woman. Not the Barbie type that I had thought was his girlfriend! The woman I saw last week must have been either a student's mother, or a friend. No, this woman was slightly taller than me, and was a plus-sized beauty. Dark hair, dark eyes, white skin. She was very pretty and her body type was like mine, about 40 pounds heavier. The thing that got me was that she was someone I would have wanted to have been friends with in the past. She was friendly, warm, and gracious. And I liked her. Dammit.
Problem is, I am so hung up on being attracted to Mr. HKG that I am struggling today. Why is it that when I find the one guy that I am SOOOOO attracted to, that he already has a girlfriend? I have never had this deep of an attraction to ANYONE in my life. Seriously. And why is it that she had to be likable? And built larger? For some reason, I felt better when I thought it was the Barbie chick I had seen before. That made it easier for me to accept. If she was someone like me, then why can't I have him? Oh, that sounds so pathetic. I know it does. Bear with me on this...
The thing is, I really like him. And I am trying to get past the fact that he is:
a.) Too young for me
b.) In a different circle
c.) With a really nice person
d.) Not mine
I have a date with a really nice guy tonight. And here I am, hung up on Mr. HKG. What is wrong with me? I should be spending my day being hopeful for tonight. Instead, I am overwhelmed by feelings of regret and disappointment over Mr. HKG. I am strangely sad - like I was when I first found out he had a girlfriend and moved in with her. I am just weirded out.
Then I have to be honest with myself. I didn't have a prayer with HKG. Mostly for reasons a-c above. I know I have to accept that. So why can't I? I do have the possibility for a great relationship with a new guy, if I allow myself the opportunity.
So therein lies the rub. Fear. That could be why I am fixating on a man that I cannot have. Made especially harder because my dream guy actually does accept women of larger size. Most men don't. All of my previous first dates didn't. They took one look at me, saw I was a heavier woman, and decided I wasn't worth their time. That hurts. I admit it does. And yet, my dream guy does like a plus sized woman. That makes it more possible that I could find a guy like that too. And if my date turns out ok, then it should be good. My fear is that it won't turn out good. That this one will look at me as the others have and decide I am not what they want. That this will be yet another only date.
If so, this is it for awhile. I don't want to put too much energy into chasing a dream that may not be meant to be. If this date doesn't work out, I am taking a break for a bit. At least until I get to a place in my own heart and head where I feel better about myself and my place in life.
See, told you I would work it out.