Monday, August 18, 2008

Peaks And Valleys

The ex picked Dino up yesterday for his cousin's party. Dino also stayed overnight. I was not prepared for the girlfriend to be driving and I think I handled it very well. When they first pulled up, she didn't even look at me. We were outside waiting (they were 5 minutes late) and Tony came to get Dino's bags. I looked at him and said, "Are you going to introduce me to Karen?" He looked surprised. I promised to be nice, and he agreed. We were introduced, and I could see that Karen was not happy to meet me. She was civil, but looked nervous. Probably was afraid I would freak out again. But, we exchanged simple pleasantries and it was fine. I did notice that once again she had "presents" for Dino. Every time she sees him, she gives him stuff. It's starting to get on my nerves. I need to ask Tony to have this stop before Dino starts to think that he is getting presents all the time. And, it is hard for me to keep up with all that. Plus, I don't want all this extra crap in my house!

I was perfectly pleasant. Once they left, though, I was a bit annoyed. Then, I was downright depressed. She is blond, petite, and even though she is older than me, she is rather good looking. Don't know what she sees in him! Kidding. What really bugs me is that she was invited to the family event....and I wasn't. It made me really sad. I knew this was coming. I did, really. I just didn't prepare myself for the time when I would be "replaced" and didn't realize that it would hurt this much. I don't care about being replaced in his life. Karen will be eventually, too. And when she is, I hope she gets out sooner than I did. What bugs me is being replaced for the rest of the family. I was told to not even contact them. That hurts - bad. I thought they were my family for so many years. Now, I don't exist to them. For some reason, that makes me feel like dirt under the rug.

And, I am really jealous that Tony has someone, and I don't. I sort of have Shawn, but he doesn't know what he wants, and he doesn't call anymore. He emails me once in a while and we make plans that way. I hid my profiles on the other sites because I knew I wasn't in a good place with myself to be open to someone else. I know this about myself, but it doesn't lessen the pain of being lonely. And I am lonely. I was in a terrible funk yesterday because of it.

My BIL and nephew were over helping me rebuild the gate to my back yard. They are awesome, and I can't begin to express my gratitude to them! They totally build a gate out of 2x4s and wood screws. Imagine that. It looks great. When I get a chance, I will restain the fence so it all matches. Pretty darn cool, if I say so myself. And, it was cheap. Only $38 dollars! Can't beat that. Also, Ed has a way about him that just makes me feel good inside. We laughed and joked almost the entire time. It was a really productive afteroon.

Once they were gone, though, the funk returned. I spent 4 hours putting up pictures, removing Tony from the collage frames, and hanging stuff around. I have to say, that felt pretty good. I also vacuumed, did laundry, and cleaned the toy room. Anything to keep busy. I didn't feel like eating, but I forced myself to eat anyway. I don't remember it having a taste.

So, I am back in one of those proverbial valleys. The only great thing is we are just about ready for the dog. Only have to put together the kennel and find it's place in the house. Two more days until my baby can come home. Then I know I won't feel so bad about being left alone in the house....


Adorable Girlfriend said...

I really should have called you yesterday to go to Mama Mia! It was a blast.

I know it's hard to not see his family, but it is what it is. Look at how controlling he is telling you not to contact them! My family never put up with that BS. If we liked you -- we don't care. We'll call you even if our idiot family member does not. Let's hope they are the same way.

Give yourself time. You will be better in the long run for waiting. I made the mistake of ending my 10 year relationship and getting into another too quickly. I didn't learn anything and hence, my own crap over the past few months.

Now, I have learned something. I am more prepared and when the right one comes along -- I am going to have the time of my life!

You always have AG to call if you are sad or down. I totally understand and I mean it -- call me!!!! I may not have been married, but my 10 year relationship was like marriage in many ways!

To that end -- I ran into his mom this weekend! I hid in the bathroom stall so she did not see me. Ugh. I didn't want to hear about his recent wedding.

So, I can relate about feelings.

Anonymous said...

Your ex is an ass and everything and everyone he touches turns to shit...because he is an ass. The blond, if she has and can keep her self-esteem, will also be used and disgarded once she goes against the man who acts as if he is the center of the universe.

Don't let him dictate to you who you can stay in touch with. If you want to talk to his sisters and/or mother then talk to them. You will be forever linked to them because you and the ass have a son.

And pray for the blond...she needs it.