Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Post #2 - The Importance of Being Positive

Good morning, cyber friends!

Day 2 of my experiment and I really need it today. Received a collection notice in the mail yesterday from the cable/phone company and they never received back the router that the MFE claims to have returned. I was NOT happy. How can I turn that into a positive? The MFE agreed to pay for the missing router! How's that for heck freezing over? I was so moved, I agreed to pay for half if he paid for half since it was only fair. Life is good.

That is only one thing I wanted to share. I also received my new slamming outfit in the mail yesterday. An AWESOME find on eBay for only $40. It has a wool-ish skirt, a suede-ish brown jacket and a soft yummy tan sleeveless mock turtleneck sweater. I can't wait for the brown boots to arrive to complete my new fall look. All for under $100. Love that!

Speaking of love - did you know that love is all around? It's true! It may not be evident. There are many people in my life that love me. How cool is that?!? I am very thankful for them. I may not have a "significant other" right now, but once I learn to love myself, that should fall into place. Working on it! I used to think that I was the most butt ugly person on the face of the earth, and I felt it inside. Walking the planet feeling like the most unattractive being is not pretty folks. I found that the reason I felt that way was because of the turmoil inside. I have already found that by purging the negative, I feel so much better about myself. I am not a super model (and let's be honest, would I want to be? Throwing up and starvation is not my cup of tea), but I do have plenty of great things about me that I am proud of. So here is my list of things that I LOVE about myself (yes, I said I love something about me! This is addicting!)....

  • I am a GOOD mom.

  • I am Loving and Compassionate.

  • I am friendly.

  • I have pretty hair (white hair and all).

  • I am persistent in the face of adversity.

  • I have good features.

  • I am pretty funny when I want to be.


  • See, that is a pretty good start. I'll work on more for another post. Have a POSITIVE day, y'all!

    Monday, September 29, 2008

    Geek Chick's Top Ten Reasons For Being MIA

    Ok, so it has been quite a while since I updated the 'ole blog. What's been keeping me away you ask? Well, there isn't just one thing. Read on for the top 10 reasons I have been MIA from cyberspace...

    10. Ran away and joined the circus.
    9. Went on a long cruise to Newark, New Jersey.
    8. Finally got my PHD from the mail order catalog and I am celebrating.
    7. Couldn't find my way out of a paper bag.
    6. My ADD kicked in and I was distracted by - hey, look! A chicken!
    5. Was untangling thousands of yards of yarn that was chewed by the dog.
    4. Discovered a new species of insect in my backyard and spent all week documenting.
    3. Decided it was OK to have fantasies about Mr. HKG so I simply let everything else go to enjoy them.
    2. Found a wrinkle in the time-space continuum and just now returned from a visit to PLANET PLUTO. Yes, it IS a planet, folks!

    And the number one reason I was MIA this week:

    Battled microscopic bacteria for dominance over my body.

    And I won. Yay me.

    So now, on to the updates.

    Been struggling with lonliness, which I know I talked about. I finally got my butt to mass on Sunday and discovered that I missed it. And, Dino was really good in church. Go figure. What's that got to do with lonlienss you ask? Well, I'm getting to it, keep your shirt on.

    I got the church bulletin, my tags for the consignment sale coming up next week, and bought a chair from the 8th graders (it's a camp chair with the school's initials on the back). All in all, a really fun time. Ha.

    Ok, so then Dino and I went food shopping and I discovered that Acme is a good 5% higher in prices than my favorite home store of Superfresh. Not going back there. Need to get my stuff at my corner store it seems. We then went and bought the Lego Batman game for the Wii! Yes, more addicting than Lego Star Wars. Sigh. It was dreary, drab, and dull outside so Dino and I stayed in and played the game ALL AFTERNOON. Finally, a down day for Geek Chick. I did laundry, did the dishes, fed and played with the dog, and even put away the pile of mail sitting on my dining room table. All this leads up to me reading the bulletin from the church over a cup of coffee with whipped cream. Nothing special but a little note in a box on the back:

    "When things are dark, the Light is there."

    With a cross underneath. Nothing flashy or special about it. It was just some black lettering in a white box. I was mulling over the significance of this statement when suddenly, the skies opened up to a huge ray of sunshine. It was pouring just a few moments before. It was like the heavens knew that I had read that statement and had to puncuate it with a brilliant display of gold from the skies. I had an epiphany. All the crap that I have been struggling over - the divorce, the transition to single life, the lonliness (yes, here is is, finally), the turmoil... all of it was a part of the darkness. I need to STEP OUT into the sunshine. All I need to do is recognize the light is there and to look for it. I had spent the past 5 months in a dark funk, the kind that breeds more negativity. The kind that doesn't allow you to feel good about yourself for more than 5 minutes. The kind that slowly pushes you down into the muck to keep you from enjoying life.

    So, folks, I am going to start an experiment. For the next 30 days, I am going to post EVERY DAY about something that is good, positive, light-worthy, that is happening in my life or that I am finally recognizing having been hit over the head with positive vibes. They say it takes 30 days to make something a habit. I figure that I can become a more positive person if I do this.

    Ok, so here it is....Post #1 of The Importance of Being Positive:

    There are many things that are great in my life right now. I have a good job that pays well enough that I can support myself, my son, and my dog. I have a wonderful family that supports all of my harebrained schemes. I have good friends that care about me. And, I plan on getting back in the saddle and losing more weight in the next 6 months. My goal - 50 pounds in 6 months. I can do it, but I have to WORK OUT. I don't like working out. Oops, let's make that positive - if I can work out 30 minutes every day, my butt will get smaller :) LOL

    Feel free to share something positive as well!

    Thursday, September 18, 2008

    Sick In the City

    Sunday was a good day. Bug Boy was over playing with Dino. They went to lunch with me and my dear friend Jeff, who is being nursed through a tragic breakup, and they were so well behaved, I almost forgot they were there. We had a great time. Bug Boy was picked up by his dad, Uncle Bug, at 3:30 p.m. and I was coached through my own crisis by my big sis. It all looked like it was going so well...

    Then it happened.

    Dino was lying on the couch, feeling tired. I thought it was because he was up until 11:30 the night before with Bug Boy. Then I touched his neck. Burning up. I took his temp and lo and behold! It was 101.3 and he was just out for the count. It seriously snuck up on us. It was then that Dino decided he wanted to get into his jammies. Once he got to his room, Mount Vesuvius was reincarnated. I kept Dino calm but all the while I was cussing in my head. I don't have time for illness!

    I settled Dino on the couch with a blanket and proceeded to clean up. Once that was done, I decided it was a good idea to hit the hay extra early. All night Dino kept waking with the fever. I was running out of meds for him and feeling drained myself.

    Monday was a mix of fever/eruptions and I worked from home. By Monday night, I wasn't feeling too well myself.

    I had to keep Dino home an extra day due to the fever not breaking until early Monday night. I picked up his work from school (side note: you should have seen the mountain of work he was given! What is his teacher thinking???), hit the pharmacy for some more meds and some ginger ale and Gatorade, and headed back home to bed. Tuesday passed.

    Wednesday, I went back to work so I wouldn't lose more time. I wasn't feeling 100% but good enough to be in the office.

    Today, three of my co-workers are sick with the same stomach bug. Ewwwww. I am not sure if I passed it on, or if it is just "going around". All I know is I need to up my vitamins and get more rest so I don't keep getting sick!

    ***************************************

    More of the same....

    Mr. HKG has been making eyes at me again. No, I am NOT imagining this. He is back to going out of his way to been seen and to meet my eyes with his. Not sure what is up with that. I do know that I have been looking pretty good this week (if I do say so myself) as I discovered a newer flattering way to wear my hair and have been making an effort to look "polished" due to my new MK venture. It is probably just the casual flirting thing, but it is causing much confusion (and hot and heavy dreams) for me. I KNOW he is with someone - and possibly getting married - so what the hey? I am deliberately avoiding his looks and going out of MY way to not look as much in his direction. I think I am just going to have to stop watching the class and start making myself scarce so as to avoid the temptation to flirt back. That will be totally hard, my friends...

    Monday, September 15, 2008

    Talk About Validation

    Yesterday I was feeling really, really low. I stared at my inventory and wondered how the heck I was ever going to move it. I fretted, freaked, and generally just fell apart. So, naturally, I called my sister.

    Big Sis is my sponsor into MK and she is also a lot wiser and level headed than me. She can totally keep me from freaking out. I was laying on her all the stress, anxiety, fear, and foolishness that I was feeling. My car needs work, I need to get a new fridge and stove, I desperately need to mow the lawn (and haven't had the time). What was I possibly thinking starting a new business NOW? I am sick.

    My debut is Saturday and most of my work friends cannot make it. I was really counting on them. I don't have any difinites yet and it was making me a little nutty. My Big Sis coached me on some things to do and made me feel like I CAN do this if I put my mind to it. I did a couple of her suggestions and decided to just see what happens.

    Just 10 minutes later, I got a call out of the blue. A lady that found my number through the search on the Mary Kay website and needed a new consultant. Ok, so here I was doubting my choice to do this and I get this call out of the blue? Well, I think I received my confirmation :)

    Friday, September 12, 2008

    Fear

    I have been gripped by an unreasonable fear lately. Something that keeps me from sleeping, eating right, even from wanting to sit and knit. I am walking around in a continual state of anxiety and terror. My heart beats rapidly, my pupils dialate and my breathing shallows....I am even afraid to speak of my fear out loud! So, I must beg that you indulge me, dear reader, as I attempt to put my apprehension to rest...

    My fears are keeping me up at night and waking me from my slumber.

    Fear sucks, dudes.

    Here is what I am currently fearing:
  • Screwing up my son so much he needs therapy for the rest of his life.

  • Not being able to get my MK stuff going.

  • Being so screwed up myself that no guy will ever want to be my boyfriend/spouse again.

  • Having to pay all the bills all by myself.


  • Short list, but potent. The thing is, the fears are SO YESTERDAY people. I am so tired of being afraid of this crap. It's the same thing, yada yada yada. Problem is, I don't know how to stop the fears from invading my sleep. I don't know how to keep the fears from creeping into my thoughts through out the day.

    Don't mean to be a bummer. Really, I don't. I want to try to get a handle on this and turn it into something positive. Please, share your thoughts on how I can best do this.

    Hugs and kisses to all.

    Thursday, September 11, 2008

    OMG

    It's real hard being positive in the light of so much negativity that is thrown my way. Srsly, dudes. Point in case: I called the Mudder Focker Ex (henceforth known as MFE, 'cause I am all about acronyms y'all) to discuss a few important dates that Dino has coming up. Well, MFE tells me that he is going to be away for a long weekend of the 19th through 22nd. Mind you, he doesn't tell me until today and he has known for MONTHS. That means I am on my own to get Dino to school that day and I have a system upgrade taking place that morning. I was peeved, but told him I would "figure it out". MFE then decides to call me back 15 minutes later and lambast me because Dino had mentioned that MFE had "2 ex wives" and that he could only have heard that from me or my family. You know, because his family is soooo perfect and would never-ever say this accidentally. Because my family is the only place he could have heard it. Of course, it turns out, that Dino said he got it from my side of the family. You know what? I think he heard it from me. I was talking to my friend Jeff on the phone one night and I know I mentioned that I was the second failed marriage for MFE.

    Anyway, the call continued with him blaming me for people mouthing off about his personal business, yada, yada, yada. He's so secretive. It's his business, no one elses...and so on. I hung up feeling like I wanted to throw up and cockpunch him at the same time. How dare he call me at work and rant like that?

    Like any grownup, I called my sister to have her calm me down :)

    I then sent an email to MFE to let him know that I don't give a flying poo that Dino knows about the other ex-wife, and that if he reacted negatively to Dino asking that it would only inflame Dino to want to know more, and that I personally don't understand why Dino shouldn't know the truth...(of course, I do know why - MFE doesn't want Dino to think that he is a two-time loser...which he is...tee hee)

    I also stated I do not want MFE to contact me at work unless there is an emergency. That if he has something to discuss, to email me and we will arrange a time to talk OUTSIDE of work.

    I am woman - NO ONE controls me! Hear me roar! Rather, read me roar :)

    Now all I have to do is rent a billboard on I95 and put up that he has a rental house in PA, a girlfriend in NJ, a secret bank stash at Ameriprise Financial, and is the worst kisser on the planet. That should do it, I think.

    Wednesday, September 10, 2008

    What The Hey?

    So here I am, minding my own business when suddenly I get two winks on Match. Not one, but TWO. Both are from guys that I find attractive (which is a little scary, because usually that means they are out of my league). The one guy I had talked to before in email back in March. Guess he forgot? We lost contact and I just didn't put any effort into pursuing him. Now the tide has turned it appears.

    The other guy is an hour away, and he is also 8 years younger than me. He is divorced with two children. I am in the process of getting to know him better.

    One thing for sure - I am not looking at either of these men to "raise me up" so to speak. It would be nice if something pans out, but if not, oh well. This is the first time I have felt like this where men are concerned. I think my new attitude of This Is My Year may have something to do with that.

    Speaking of My Year, I binged last night - ON PURPOSE! Whoo-hoo! It actually wasn't a binge. That makes it sound like I ate non-stop. No, I didn't. I was at the supermarket and they had a sale on this wickedly awesome ice cream. I got the Peanut Butter Cup. After only 3 teaspoons, I had had enough. Progress is incredible, ain't it? In years past, I would have eaten the whole darn pint. No, not this Year. I stopped when I had a taste and it was good. I also had a soft pretzel after lunch. That was SO GOOD too :) In all, not really a binge. Everything in moderation, right?

    I have also decided that I need to re-visit my dedication to the low-carb diet I am following. It is a good plan, and it works (losing 55 pounds ain't so bad, huh?) but I am bored. I know if I take time off from it, I will balloon up. So, I decided that I am going to allow myself the occassional slip up and just not freak about it. That also means, I am not weighing myself for a while. It just doesn't feel good to be a slave to the scale. More important - my clothes are looking better on me. That is really all I want, anyway. Too feel attractive, even in my PJs. I made an awesome Thrift Store Score (henceforth known as TSS) last week and came away with some really nice things. One is a short sleeved sweater that I have on know. It's plain, black, button-up....and..wait for it....sized Medium!!!! Wow. I think it is mislabled since it fits me (or it was stretched out) but WHO CARES???? It fits and I can actually say I am wearing a medium :) Life is good.

    Speaking of PJs, I am so excited that I got to wear my favorite PJ pants to bed last night. Sick, huh? It's the little things folks! It has been too hot to wear them until last night when it was much cooler. Ah, I slept like a baby. Only woke up 3 times instead of every hour on the hour.

    Dino did extra well in karate again last night. When we got home, I had found his meds sitting on the counter and realized I didn't give him his pill before school! I didn't get a bad report, so hopefully that means that it all went well without the magic pill. I hope so! I made sure he got it today, but I was proud of him for keeping his control without the use of the medication. I may try that on weekends and see how he does....

    And, of course, what would a post be without a mention of Mr. HKG. He looked hot last night. As in smokin'. So, naturally, I had a hot monkey steaming dream about him. When will it end? I have tried not to think of him so much, but it doesn't help when he is looking so fine when I have to see him. Damn him. Anyway, rumor has it that he is getting married. That may help quell the desire in me. I have enough morals to not lust after a man who is married. I hope.

    Finally, my new project on my needles is a sweater/hat/bootie set for my brother's new baby - due in December. His girlfriend (they are getting married this year, from what I am told) is getting a baby shower thrown for her by her mother and the date is not a good one for me - November 8th. That is Dino's birthday, and it falls on a Saturday this year. I was planning on having his party that day! Sheesh. I don't know what to do. If I plan the party for this day, the cousins on my side probably won't be able to make it - and I can't invite the cousins on the ex's side I have been told. DG - call me later. I need to talk this out.

    Later Gators!

    Tuesday, September 9, 2008

    Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

    Ok, so it's only been a few days into my new year. I am starting to really like this. I am also seeing a trend in my life.

    When things are down, and I feel particularly bad about myself, I tend to over commit to things. At this point in my life, I am responsible for the following:
  • Taking care of Dino

  • Taking care of the dog

  • Getting Dino to karate

  • Getting Katara (dog) out to exercise

  • Getting Dino to soccer

  • Getting Dino to do his homework

  • My new MK business

  • Getting to MK meetings

  • Taking care of me


  • You can see where I fall on the list, right? Anyway, I am way in over my head. I sat down last night and realized that I don't deal well under this kind of pressure. Pressure at work is also tantamount right now. I am drowning, folks. And I am losing it.

    I spazzed on Dino, the dog, and certain inanimate objects around my house last night. Something just snapped inside me and I started to rant about how I don't have time, how I feel so burdened, how no one takes care of me but I take care of everyone...etc.
    I felt really stupid and ugly afterward. Dino didn't listen to half of it, as he had his eyes glued to his DS. Problem is, he missed soccer practice. The dog did get out to play for a bit, and I found that she likes to chew on sticks when you are not watching. Strange puppy.

    I was spazzy again this morning when I realized that I have a meeting at work that runs until 4 p.m. and I have to rush home, get Dino from school, get him home to change, let the dog out, and head back into rush hour traffic to get to Newark before 5:30. Not going to happen. It takes me an hour to get from work to home. That means I won't pick Dino up until 5. Which means, I don't get to my house until 5:15 or so. Which means, I can't possibly make it to Newark by 5:30 as I will be sitting in traffic on I95 for at least 35 minutes due to it backing up all the time by Rt 141 and then again by Rt 7. It really is not possible. I emailed my director to explain the problem of me getting to Newark by 5:30 on any day of the week. Hopefully she has a response that will be something I can work out.

    Add to that the fact that I had to stop for gas this morning so I had to rush Dino out of the house extra early (by 6 a.m. y'all - not easy for a soon-to-be 7 year old).
    And, when I went into the Wawa to tap MAC, Dino walked around the icecream and candy aisle like he was in heaven. But he gave me hell when I reminded him that candy is not breakfast.

    The reason I do this to myself is an effort to hide away from the real problems. In this case, my fears and pain of my divorce. By keeping busy, I don't have to address my inability to cope with being alone again. Or my fear that I will be alone forever. Or my lowered self-esteem.

    On a positive note, by taking this year and concentrating on finally FIXING those things, I know I will be in a better place come September 2009. This is going to be a painful, joyous, bitter, exhalting time for me. I just have to let go and let it happen.

    Monday, September 8, 2008

    Update on Year of Me

    For me, I was all by my lonesome on Friday night and Saturday during the day. Did whatever the hell I wanted to. Got my nails done on Friday night, and then proceeded to watch tv until 3:30 a.m. I slept until about 9 a.m. and then got my ass up to do some small things. Because of the rain, no yard sale at my sister's house (that will be this Saturday instead). So the dog and I just puttered around. I did some laundry, put up one curtain rod in my room (which is off, so I have to fix it) and determined that being short sucks because I wasn't tall enough to reach the one side. Hence the reason the rod is off a bit. Anyway, took a nap, then started a new crochet project while I watched a movie. Nice relaxing day....until the ex called me. He left me 2 voice mail messages that Dino wouldn't eat and he was bored. Could he drop Dino off early? I was pissed off, but happy to see my son. I was stopping at the store anyway, so I offered to pick Dino up. Still, when I got there (in torrential downpours, I might add) the ex was all dressed up and he was obviously going out for the night. Fucker. He just wanted to get rid of Dino early so he could go out. What a scumbag asshole. Yes, I am angry. My poor son spends NO quality time with his dad. If the ex's girlfriend was around, he would have kept Dino the whole weekend. What a loser! Can't even spend 24 hours with his own kid. I found out that he took Dino to the movies on Friday night (big surprise since he can't think of anything else to do with the kid) and that they "napped" on Saturday. I am so pissed off, I could spit fire. I really want to talk to him about it, but what do I say? "You can't dump the kid when you are bored with him"?

    But, once I had Dino home, it all sort of melted away. We just enjoyed being together and watching another movie while he kept hugging me on the couch. Really, I enjoy being the better parent in that case :)

    So, in all, the anger disappeared. I will be following DG's advice and henceforth will email the Ex for all communications about visitation. This way, I have a record of all the crap that is going on in case I need to go back to the courts....

    Friday, September 5, 2008

    Days 2 and 3

    Well, except for a lovely sinus infection, I don't have much to report for day 2. Day 2 was spent in bed or at Dino's school meeting last night. I sweated, was feverish, and felt totally alone in a sea of rich bitches with attitude. What fun! Of course, now that I am focusing on the positive these days - those rich bitches really are just stuck in their little no-fun world of trying to out do each other. And, most of them are actually really nice to talk to once you get passed their "no, don't talk to me because I know you'll see through my facade" attitude...

    Day 3 was starting much better. I slept in to try to beat off the illness and then tried to work from home. It didn't work because my boss really wanted me in the office to meet with the team. I wasn't real happy about it, but I went in anyway. It was a good thing I did. I think I would have missed a couple of interesting events. Either way, I decided tonight was MY night. I went directly to get my nails done after work. I came home to let the dog out and decided tonight was movie night. Probably a real tear jerker :)

    Tonight - it's all about me. Of course, it helps that Dino is out with dad and I am home alone. Can't wait to go to bed early, too!

    Thursday, September 4, 2008

    Day 1 - Year of Me

    Spent my evening window shopping on the internets. I looked at all kinds of things that I always wanted and can't afford. It was fun. Also found a few things to help me with the start of my new business. I am hoping to get that off the ground soon. Can't say what company it is (not sure of their standards on putting the name out there) but it is a large profitable cosmetics company. I am sure you can guess which one. I did buy a black/pink/white tote bag for doing home shows off of eBay. That was fun. And I got a hanging closet organizer for putting some of the inventory in.

    When I was married, I was "forbidden" to get involved with this company even though I loved the products and used them every day. I really wanted to try it since my goal was to be able to make enough to stay home with my young son.

    Now that I am a single parent, I want to be able to get enough money to take a nice vacation every year. And maybe earn a free car. That would be nice too, eh?

    So it was a good night. And, I feel good this morning. Even if I didn't lose any weight this week. At least I am back to where I was before the divorce. I have to keep focusing on what I have lost since I started. 55 pounds. Not bad.

    Also, while Dino and I went to karate last night, we left the dog in the family room instead of in the crate. I closed off the door with a baby gate. She did awesome! And, I feel much better about leaving her in an entire room rather than in a box. We are trying it for the day today. I am praying she doesn't chew too much - if at all. I gave her toys to play with as well. The one thing she did do was chew up one of Dino's socks last night. I think she was annoyed that we were ignoring her while I was cruising the net. Ah well! That'll teach Dino not to leave his socks on the floor. I did tell her "No!" and she was properly chargrined. So, all is well.

    Hey, anyone want a free facial? :)

    Later gators.

    Wednesday, September 3, 2008

    September 2008 - September 2009

    The Year of Me.

    That's right. An entire year.

    I am taking a FULL YEAR, y'all. A full year to find out what makes Geek Chick happy. A full year to discover again if I really don't like oatmeal. An entire year to do whatever makes my geeky heart happy.

    I have a mantra - "I need to be happy with me, before I am happy with someone else".

    So, I need to find out what will make me complete as a person. What makes me tick. What the heck am I supposed to do with 2 pounds of leftover spackling putty?

    1 full year to play with my son, share memories with my son, grow with my son...
    12 months to work out, get out, not put out, cut my hair, grow my hair, color my hair...
    52 weeks to read, write, no arithmatic, try new things, cook new foods, grow my own food...
    365 days to walk the dog, train the dog, put on the dog and party...
    8760 hours to watch what I want, eat what I want (the right stuff of course), go where I want, knit what I want...
    525,600 minutes to find my bliss.

    I better get started, huh?