When things are down, and I feel particularly bad about myself, I tend to over commit to things. At this point in my life, I am responsible for the following:
You can see where I fall on the list, right? Anyway, I am way in over my head. I sat down last night and realized that I don't deal well under this kind of pressure. Pressure at work is also tantamount right now. I am drowning, folks. And I am losing it.
I spazzed on Dino, the dog, and certain inanimate objects around my house last night. Something just snapped inside me and I started to rant about how I don't have time, how I feel so burdened, how no one takes care of me but I take care of everyone...etc.
I felt really stupid and ugly afterward. Dino didn't listen to half of it, as he had his eyes glued to his DS. Problem is, he missed soccer practice. The dog did get out to play for a bit, and I found that she likes to chew on sticks when you are not watching. Strange puppy.
I was spazzy again this morning when I realized that I have a meeting at work that runs until 4 p.m. and I have to rush home, get Dino from school, get him home to change, let the dog out, and head back into rush hour traffic to get to Newark before 5:30. Not going to happen. It takes me an hour to get from work to home. That means I won't pick Dino up until 5. Which means, I don't get to my house until 5:15 or so. Which means, I can't possibly make it to Newark by 5:30 as I will be sitting in traffic on I95 for at least 35 minutes due to it backing up all the time by Rt 141 and then again by Rt 7. It really is not possible. I emailed my director to explain the problem of me getting to Newark by 5:30 on any day of the week. Hopefully she has a response that will be something I can work out.
Add to that the fact that I had to stop for gas this morning so I had to rush Dino out of the house extra early (by 6 a.m. y'all - not easy for a soon-to-be 7 year old).
And, when I went into the Wawa to tap MAC, Dino walked around the icecream and candy aisle like he was in heaven. But he gave me hell when I reminded him that candy is not breakfast.
The reason I do this to myself is an effort to hide away from the real problems. In this case, my fears and pain of my divorce. By keeping busy, I don't have to address my inability to cope with being alone again. Or my fear that I will be alone forever. Or my lowered self-esteem.
On a positive note, by taking this year and concentrating on finally FIXING those things, I know I will be in a better place come September 2009. This is going to be a painful, joyous, bitter, exhalting time for me. I just have to let go and let it happen.