Friday, September 12, 2008

Fear

I have been gripped by an unreasonable fear lately. Something that keeps me from sleeping, eating right, even from wanting to sit and knit. I am walking around in a continual state of anxiety and terror. My heart beats rapidly, my pupils dialate and my breathing shallows....I am even afraid to speak of my fear out loud! So, I must beg that you indulge me, dear reader, as I attempt to put my apprehension to rest...

My fears are keeping me up at night and waking me from my slumber.

Fear sucks, dudes.

Here is what I am currently fearing:
  • Screwing up my son so much he needs therapy for the rest of his life.

  • Not being able to get my MK stuff going.

  • Being so screwed up myself that no guy will ever want to be my boyfriend/spouse again.

  • Having to pay all the bills all by myself.


  • Short list, but potent. The thing is, the fears are SO YESTERDAY people. I am so tired of being afraid of this crap. It's the same thing, yada yada yada. Problem is, I don't know how to stop the fears from invading my sleep. I don't know how to keep the fears from creeping into my thoughts through out the day.

    Don't mean to be a bummer. Really, I don't. I want to try to get a handle on this and turn it into something positive. Please, share your thoughts on how I can best do this.

    Hugs and kisses to all.

    2 comments:

    Anonymous said...

    I can recommend three things, all of which have helped me with my fear/anxiety at different times in my life:
    1) Books ... one in particular called "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron

    2) Yoga ... one DVD in particular by Rodney Yee that is for stress reduction (so includes relaxing poses and meditation)

    3) Drugs ... sometimes a little bit of Xanax goes a long way. Sounds dramatic, but when the brain starts cycling down one sometimes needs to chemically stop it. It will help you sleep too. Magical.

    I'd suggest therapy too but you've probably also thought of that. Well, you've probably thought of the other things too.

    Wishing you only the best, most positive life you can live.

    Robert said...

    As I said before to you, in divorce, there are OTHERS going through this same thing. Some are ahead of you a few years, you are ahead of others. Divorce is a journey, that no one wants I might add, but still a journey.

    My advice and what I did.

    • I treat my children and raise them as I would if I was married or not. My values are still the same. Though I try to be compatible with the ex to a small extent, I believe my upbringing and family life was a good one and so I raise them like I was raised (with improvements of course!). No matter what stuff the ex does, too much TV, etc., at my house I do what is right. I teach them manners, kindness, what is acceptable in public, to do their homework, read, whatever. To me, a child only knows what they are taught for the most part. I never told my children divorce was bad, sad, or any of that; I hate to say but I acted like it was just part of life (I did NOT want to be divorced but it was dealt to me). Thus, my children have no problem going back and forth. Each Friday they jump into mom’s arms or mine. They love everyone, all family on both sides. I don’t think you are screwing up your son’s life. Raise him like you would without MFE. You can’t control what happens on the other side. Footnote: The greatest thing you can do is to loose or hide the bitterness to MFE. Never let Dino see this bitterness. A father is a father, a mother a mother no matter how the ex treats you. You don’t have to respect the person but you have to respect that the other person is a parent too of your child. In years you will see this.
    • Boyfriend. The rule I have heard is that it takes one year for every 5 years married to get back to you. I was married over 18 years, now divorced 5 years. I would say that is about right at least for me. You have to be happy with you before you can be happy with someone else. I can tell you that when you are past your divorce, you will have a BF again and you will know what to do. You will have a BF again most likely, so don’t worry there. Find what you want in that person and don’t settle for less. No I don’t have a GF yet…
    • We all worry about the bills. Spend wisely, save, save, save when you can.


    YOU will be FINE!!