Last night, J came over for dinner. I heart me my J! :)
I tried an old favorite that I had not had in a long time, chicken breast cutlets lightly seasoned with provolone cheese melted on top. Easy, quick, and oh so tasty! I was turned on to the Trader Joe's bag of chicken breast cutlets by the one and only Domestic Goddess. I had not been to TJ's in a while and when J and I went there this past weekend, I loaded up. Salmon, tilapia, and chicken. I had not tried the chicken on my own before, but I had them at DG's. They are awesome! If you have the chance, grab a bag. The cutlets are individually frozen and are the perfect portion for a single meal. Totally awesome.
Ok, that was not what this post is about. The post is about my boyfriend. Since he reads this blog, I will not say tooooo much. But this blog is also my journal, and I would be amiss if I didn't stay true to my need to get my thoughts and emotions out in the written word. 'Sides, I can't help but share my happiness.
I haven't been happy in a long time. DG will attest to the fact that when I was younger (MUCH younger these days...) I was a wacky, happy-go-lucky person without too much consternation. I had a severe self-image issue, but other than that, I was generally pleasant to be around.
As I grew, I found that my inner happiness was continually compromised by my desire to be accepted. I kept giving others the power to "make" me happy or miserable. It soon became a habit and before I knew it, it was standard practice for me to look to others to affect my mood or self-image. Thankfully, I didn't have any wild inclinations at the time, or I would have ended up in dire straits....
Well, I sort of did. I latched on to specific types of people. One of them was my ex. Someone that seemed to have it all together, were a commanding presence, could be in control (since I had lost control). At the same time, I did little to improve my self-image. I gained weight at an extraordinary pace. I used my fat as my "security blanket". I wanted to keep people at a certain distance so they wouldn't hurt me, and I felt that the weight would do that. Until I met my ex, I didn't think any man would want to be with me. I had some minor relationships, one of which was quite abusive. So the ex seemed like a breath of fresh air. A bit of a dork, but someone that seemed to have it all together.
After spending 10 years with the man, I realized how my lack of confidence and my penchant for giving away my control led to my own misery. Between my sisters' advice and a self-improvement course I took at work, I found that I WAS strong and I HAD confidence. I wanted more. I needed to find my fun side again. I desperately clawed my way out of the abyss.
I fought for my right to be happy, but it didn't seem like MFE wanted to fight it with me. So I ended the marriage that had been such a source of pain and anguish. I decided that I would no longer be controlled. I would no longer give someone else the power to make me happy or sad. I would no longer wait for good things to come my way. I would no longer use my weight as an excuse to not take risks. This was going to be MY time. And it has been.
In the past several months, I have grown by leaps and bounds. I didn't know what the future held. It was scary, yes, but enthralling as well. Finally, I was in a really good place, mentally and emotionally. I actually believe in myself and my abilities. I truly feel strong and worthy.
What started as a good friendship has turned into a great relationship. J is a man that is honorable, attentive, and kind. He is someone that doesn't make me feel like anything - he complements me. He doesn't try to control or be influential. He gives me the best gift of himself. J doesn't try to change me, he encourages me. We are interconnected in a way that I never had before. Why? Because I was never in the right place with myself. I seriously feel like J completes me. How awesome is that?
I am falling for him. Hard. But not blindly this time. Not stupidly, like I did before with others. I have my eyes wide open on this one. We both have things to work on in our lives, so we made a conscience decision to not rush things. We know that the time is right for us, and we know that there are better things to come.
And, I like his butt. Just sayin'.
So my discovery was that I held myself back. I was in my own way when it came to happiness. Now that I have let go of the pain of the past, I can move forward into the light with a man that will be a real partner. Someone that will allow me to make my mistakes, but hold me up to help me fix them. Someone that makes me WANT to be a better person.