Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Insomnia

Last night, Dino spent the night with his dad. I went to my MK meeting (although not feeling too well) and sat listening to everyone else's success - side note: have not been able to do much with my "business" because of travel and holidays. Not an excuse, just is. I drove home and finally got some dinner. I talked to J and then got ready for bed. And stared at the ceiling. So, I got up and posted some pics from Disney to my FB album. Before I knew it, it was 11 p.m. Egads! I went back to bed and forced myself to close my eyes.

Funny thing about not being able to sleep...you have plenty of time to worry/stew/think. I worried about having enough money for Christmas. I stewed over something that happened at work. I thought about J... a lot.

Here's the thing, to keep this blog real, I have to reveal myself (keep it clean, I am speaking about feelings here). I started to think about things between J and I and I realized a few things:
1. J reads my blog and I have been holding back for fear of offending/embarrassing him.
2. I really want to shout from the rooftops that this guy is fuggin' awesome!
3. I am truly in love with someone. For the first time EVER.
4. Has it really only been 5 months since we first met????

I decided that I have to be true to me and talk about things openly. I am so lucky to have met J! I mean, a guy that doesn't mind that I "expel" in front of him is a total keeper ladies. And, he is introducing me to new things, like folk music and baseball. Still don't get the infield fly rule, but I digress.....

I want to be sure one thing is certain - I am totally secure in this relationship. We are moving at our own pace, keeping each other in check when needed, and generally just enjoying the moments we have together.

However, I wanted to try to put in words the way that this connection happened and is sustained by our commitment to each other. You are probably starting to have heart palpitations at this moment. It's ok. Take a deep breath. Rushing into things is NOT something you need to worry about for me at this moment. I am literally taking each moment as it comes and just going with instinct. Every fiber in my being is sure that J and I have something true and real. What we are trying to do is face it like grownups. We have both come from extreme situations; for me - abusive, for him - insane. So we are truly enjoying the moment of "new love" and getting to feel something that has been missing in our lives since...well, forever.

The thing is, when you feel like you've met your bestest friend and that person TOTALLY fits in with your family, you hold on tight. I used to think that "true love" was a hoax, something created to make others think that they are missing out on something wonderful (which I had for so long). I believed that there was no such thing. To an extent, I can see why people can lose themselves in this heady feeling. It's totally addicting. But J and I need to keep our wits about us since we have children that rely on us. For me, I want to stress that for the first time, I feel like I am in a "smart" relationship. And that doesn't just mean that J is a smart guy (which he totally is), but also that we are doing this right.

J is also someone that gets along so well with my friends and my dear sis DG. Once I got their approval, I felt like I had won the lottery. A guy that totally digs me and "gets it" when it comes to family, AND is able to kick back with the kin? Totally priceless y'all....

Not to mention his cute ass. Just sayin'.

Ok, I know the insomnia is kicking in now because my fatigue is starting to affect my typing and I am pretty sure I am rambling here. See what happens when you can't sleep?

2 comments:

Domestic Goddess said...

Thanks for making me picture his ass. Just sayin'.

Jeff said...

Awwww... I agree with everything you said. Well, except the part about my ass being cute. I mean, I don't really have an opinion on that. Unless we're talking about yours, in which case ... Wait, nevermind.

But, yeah, we keep having these conversations... Too fast, feels right ... I feel like we're just heading down a gentle hill that sometimes gets a little steep, and we tap the brakes every now and then. We're doing it "smart," and that's just completely different from anything I've done before. Then again, considering the outcome of those other things I've done before, that's a good thing.

And, babe, it's been 4 months and a bit.