Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Ok, so I made a vow to never censor myself on my own blog. And, for the most part, I haven't. When I am angry, I think it is pretty obvious. When I am sad, that too comes across, likewise when I am happy. However, there is one subject that I have not blogged about for fear that I would offend. The BF's kids.

Here's where I have to carefully choose my words, for they ARE just kids. But they treat J with such disdain and disrespect that it REALLY gets my goat. They are so sided with the mother (CBE, to us) that they blew off their own dad for Christmas. They are ungrateful for his sacrifices, and they speak very badly of him to his face. I find that I am totally irritated by them and their antics. CBE needs a solid kick in the head for the crap she has been pulling, and now she has the kids in on her freaky behavior. What I find is that I am tied emotionally to J, so I am tied emotionally to how they make him feel. And I find myself affected by their peevish behavior. They quite frankly don't even act like he is their father - just some sperm donor that happens to do laundry and buy them stuff.

I am trying to be objective here, but it is not easy. They are just children - 14 and 8 years old respectively - and they are quite impressionable. They have a steady diet of how their dad sucks fed to them directly from their mom, who finds any and all reasons to point these things out. She obviously cares little for their emotional or psychological well being and only wants to exact revenge on J by turning his kids against him. Ok, done.

So, moving on, the kids are now under her direct spell and prefer to have no contact with him. They have told him quite definitively that they prefer to stay in the rat-hole motel rather than travel to see their grandparents in another state. It's horrifying and fascinating the power this woman has over them. It's like watching a train wreck or the plane hit the tower - you are sickened and disgusted, but you can't stop it no matter how much you may want to. And, you know that it will end badly, but you're not sure exactly how. So you watch, and hope, and offer help in any small way you can.

But here's the thing - I thought we could all get along. The one weekend they spent at my house was kinda fun so I think it lulled me into a false sense of security of our standing. Not that I expected them to jump up and down for joy that their dad was with a different woman, I am not that naive. But since that time, their attitudes have changed drastically towards their dad - and I am not sure how they feel about me (except for the boy, who hung up on me several times that one night - little bastard). I had hoped that, given time, we would be able to forge some kind of bond. It seems now that this was probably a pipe dream.

In 7 days, J will be going to court to face mediation on the custody of these two ungrateful offspring. I don't believe there is a chance in hell that CBE will get full custody of the kids. In fact, I can't believe that a court mediator will allow ANY child to go to a woman who is living hand to mouth in a motel that rents by the hour, with no future prospects for a job or a permanent residence. So that means the children will end up back with J - and I dread their reactions. They already treat him so badly that it makes me cry inside for him. How will they treat him going forward if they perceive him as ripping them away from their mom? And if they hold that much resentment and anger, how will they react to me?

To be honest, with all that J has been through, it may be best that I step aside for awhile and just let them figure it all out. It is hard to write that. My instinct is to be there and try to help fix things. But this is not my mess to fix, and may only serve to complicate matters. I will continue to support J in all he does, and give him "sanctuary" when he needs it, but I realize that my needs and desires will and should play second fiddle to the needs of his kids. I am saying this now, because J and I have had some awesome alone time in the past couple of weeks. I look back and realize that this is because we need it. It will be harder for us to be together exclusively coming up, and I feel that we have had this time to help get us through. Soon it will be back to every other weekend and that will be a tough thing after having him all to myself for two weeks....

And, the kids. They irritate me to no end. I am almost glad they didn't want to go to Michigan with us (god, I hate myself for even writing that, but the truth is the truth). I dreaded them coming along and then hating the trip and complaining non-stop while heaping more verbal abuse on their father. I would have snapped. And I would have said things that they wouldn't have liked to hear. Like, "You know, when you grow up, you'll be sorry you didn't treat your dad better". Yeah, that needs to be said at some point. Then again, if they did come, they could get out of the chaos and turmoil they are in and see how "normal" people are when they don't lie, steal, or cheat to live. "Normal" people that have jobs and can afford homes and...stuff. They need that, too. 'Cause the more time they spend with CBE, the less likely they are to come out of this situation and have normal productive lives.


Anonymous said...

Oh, girl, what a sad situation. And unfortunately, J's is not an isolated case. Parents are doing this so much. I have a step son that is going through some things similar to this, although not quite as bad. My heart goes out to you. And J. And those kiddos. I will be thinking about all of you. Margie

Anonymous said...

Sounds like some therapy for J and his kids is in order. It will be very important that they find a safe space to "vent" and to find solutions to this mess. It's not the kids' fault. And it's not J's fault. But a professional might be able to help them through this bumpy part.