Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas and Stuff

Happy Holidays, Blog World! I have been notably absent from the blogging world for many reasons, the most prevalent being that my blogging time is down to nil since we are being "watched" at work. It's ok, though. Things are going better than they had been, so it's worth the effort.

However, there are some things that I must get off my chest. One, I am going insane. No, really. I started my descent into madness this past weekend, with my mind racing a million different directions and my emotions running amok. Not pleasant, folks. Add to this my back is STILL out of commission so I can't do anything, and you have one very unhappy GeekChick.

But there are positives too! I got tons of wrapping done and am half way through a hand crocheted scarf for a family friend. We had 23 inches of snow dumped on us this weekend, so Gameboy got to go out in the snow and play. He was happier than I have seen him in weeks! We went to a birthday party for a friend's son, and that was fun. Gameboy even played for the first 20 minutes. After that, he found a video game and that was all she wrote....

But even with all this "goodwill" and good feelings, I am totally NOT ready for the holiday. I had great plans to do things, go places with our newly formed family, see lights, etc...but it's not to be. My back being the worst offender. I had been hoping for relief since I really hurt it about 3 weeks ago, and have been seeing the chiropractor, but it's just not healing. I may have to see a back specialist. Sigh. Like I have time for this? Oh, and I have a 12 hour drive to Michigan next week. Fun! Thank goodness for heated seats, though. That should help...

For J and I, this is our first Christmas as husband and wife. Last year was wonderful and sweet, and I hope it can be that way again - even with my back being all cranky. Speaking of cranky, I have been in a major funk since this whole thing with my back began. I can't do any of the normal things I do for the holidays (like baking - can't bend) and I realized that I put on MAJOR weight in the past few months. That is complicating my back issues and making me feel less than wonderful about myself. Ok, I've been a miserable beeotch. People who have no weight issues would never understand it, but it is truly like a hell of your own creation that you cannot possibly save yourself from. Why not? Because you have to eat to live. Alcoholics can live without alcohol, but people addicted to eating can't live without food. It's really a heartbreak to live like this - and feel trapped like I do. And the worst of it is, my new hubby has to see me like this miserable slug that can't do anything to help herself. Hell, it even hurts to wipe my own butt! (Don't worry, haven't asked anyone to help me with THAT yet...) It makes *ahem* difficult, too, and that has been lacking lately. I know J doesn't blame me, but I can't help but feel like I am really unattractive to him, especially with my back being the way it is. We were at a birthday party this past weekend and my friend snapped a picture of me in a rocking chair while I was crocheting. I looked like a freaking whale! And my hubby even commented that I looked like Mrs. Claus. I have to say, I am still reeling from seeing myself like that - I had NO idea I had gotten that huge. And now I am totally self consious about it. I don't want to be the "fat happy girl" that everyone seems to think I am.

I gotta snap out of this. I know I will. It's just so hard. And to feel like this during the holidays is the worst. But it IS the holidays and I am getting into the Christmas spirit if it kills me! So, from me to you and yours - may you all have a wonderful holiday season. God Bless Us Everyone!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Giving It My All

Despite the doom and gloom of the previous post, things are working out nicely with my new position. I am still in charge of processes, just not the people performing those processes. This could be a good thing. Or it would if our manager was stepping up the way we expected. He ain't. Still, when things come crashing down, all I have to do is throw my hands up and say - "NMP! You wanted me out, and look what happened." In a sick way, it's kind of gratifying to watch and know that I was the only piece holding it together. And that's not arrogant on my part. I seriously WAS holding it together, even if I resented having to do so because the people here can't seem to do it themselves. Either way, I am actually enjoying my new role, so that means I can seriously dedicate my time to the things I really enjoy - like Policies and Procedures. I know, it's a sickness really....

On the home front, things couldn't be better. J is the very BEST thing that has happened to me since the birth of my son. Having my two guys around and even having that alone time with J, I am in a near state of bliss.

I say "near" because there is still that elusive weight loss thing. I have actually lost again this week, and that makes me feel good. Considering that Aunt Flo has one foot in the door and is waiting to come crashing in, I'll take what I get. The only thing I have not done at this point is figure out how to get some serious exercise in. This weekend, J has a road trip on Saturday. I think I'll take that opportunity to NOT be lazy and finish cleaning up our new all purpose room. That would be the room that Gambeboy vacated for the smaller of the bedrooms. His near "Asperger's-ness" is rearing it's head again and he said he hated his old room because it was too big and didn't feel cozy to him. I kinda have to agree. It was a big room and was much too cavernous for him. He LOVES his smaller room and even chose to spend some time in it all by himself. That's a first. So, the bigger room is being made over into a multi-purpose room that will house my craft stuff (yarn, yarn, and more yarn), my sewing machine, the dinky elliptical I purchased and really don't use yet, the air hockey table, the rest of my vast wardrobe, and various sundry stuff that doesn't fit into the rest of the house. This gives you a very good idea of just how large this room is. It's too narrow to be the master bedroom (and 'sides, we like our room in the back of the house...more private...know what I mean, nudge, nudge), so it will do nicely to fit all those other things.

But, because we switched Gameboy's room last Sunday, I had hurt my back and it is just now getting back to normal. J proved his prince-charming status by cleaning up and getting dinner for me last night. And he massages my back like no one else ever did. That helped a lot. Hopefully I can be smart about cleaning up this time and get things done for real....

Thanks to DG, I have attempted once again to integrate FlyLady into my daily routine. This is not an easy thing for me - but I do spend my 10-15 minutes in each room when I get home from work so I can just keep up with the clutter and crap. Hey, that's a good line! I think I'll use that again...anyway, it's helping in many ways to keep my sanity and make me feel like I am actually doing what I can to keep a nice house for my guys. And I am starting to get Gameboy into it, too. He is going to be spending the first 15 minutes after school picking up the living room from the things he leaves in it daily. Heck, he's gotta earn that allowance somehow! LOL

Oh, and I have FINALLY started a new knitting project. I discovered that I wanted a shawl to go with my vintage dresses, so I found a pattern that looks vintage and I started it a few weeks ago. I only have about 15 rows done, but at least it is finally started. Now, to just find time to actually knit! LOL

Ok, kids, gotta run. TTFN!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Strange Things Are Afoot

I don't know why, but it seems like I can't have all things in my life going well at the same time. Now that I am personally happy, with a great man and wonderful son, my professional life is taking a wicked hit.

First, let me give you some history. I have been with my company for 15 years. In that time, I have been a supervisor of billing (1 year), supervisor of help desk (6 years), special help desk analyst (after my maternity leave), EDI specialist, and finally EDI Supervisor (7 years). During that time, I have been seen as someone who can be counted on to get things done. Until now.

2 years ago, my mentor and the best boss I ever had left for another position cross country. The team I am supervising is not perfect, but we got things done. After Prior Boss's departure, things turned rather ugly. I was going through my divorce, was emotionally checked out, and struggling on a daily basis just to keep from having a nervous breakdown. That's when some rather unscrupulous people on my team decided that I was in their way and had to go. They began slowly, planting seeds of unrest amoung the rest of the team. A new boss was hired and they used that to voice their discontent to him, without going through me. New Boss discussed these things with me, and I would assure him that they are just trying to stir up trouble. Then New Boss is given new duties which he promptly embraces and ignores our team. I have no support, no direction, and am just trying to keep things status quo. The particularly venomous people on the team use this to stir up more trouble and to strengthen their own positions...

Then, the team complains to HR and I am subjected to a Leadership Review by my team, peers, and management. What follows is not so much a blood bath as I had expected, but a "loop hole" for the powers that be to force me out of my role. I was presented with the results (most being from the team) that stated that I was "in need of improvement" and HR says, "I'll be honest, it is extremely difficult to recover from this" and "Perhaps you aren't happy and need a new position" and "We can help you find something else". Well, what does that tell me? That they want gone. So I talk to my boss and determine that he, too, wants me to step out of my position and that he feels I am really valuable and if I wanted to stay, he would be happy to keep me. So, I decide that I like the work, and he was taking on the people part, so I would stay.

So, here's the wicked hit I referenced earlier...

There is one person on my team that is doing her damndest to make sure the team knows that she is being put into a place of power, and that I am being demoted. She has shared things with others on the team that she should not have, and she managed to get everyone on edge again. She is clearly poison, but the New Boss seems to think that she has merit for the team. When I found out that she is telling people that I am no longer supervisor (which has not been made official), well, that didn't sit well at all. On top of that, every conversation she has with the New Boss is related back to me to show me how valuable he thinks she is, how he values her opinion, and how he obviously relies on her (/sarcasm). And I am sick of it.

So, I met with New Boss and let him know what was going on. He is not happy, but I feel better now that he knows about it. I have to tread carefully, but I know that I will be damned if I will let someone weasel in behind and try to push me out anymore.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Newlywed

Greetings! It has been 18 days since J and I tied the knot, and we are settling into married life. Funny, I don't feel any different. It feels like we have just had a huge cool party and things are still the same.

Except I now have a new name.

And a new driver's license (DMV in DE sucks, btw).

And have to change the umpteen places that my name exists. Really? If we have to have a single medical record system mandated by the government to occur by 2015, can't we have a single database that changes your name on things for you? Like, you go into social security, change your name, and that filters to your state forms, your federal forms, your bank account(s), your school records, your doctor's office, and so on...makes sense, right? Sigh. I know I will forget something and have to figure out how to change it way after the fact. But I guess that's part of the joy of getting a new name...

Speaking of wedded bliss, J has been in a funk lately. He has worked busy crazy hours, and I expected him to have some sort of "recoup" time. Problem is, he doesn't seem all that interested in alone time with me. I am a demanding partner, and so I am trying to temper my expectations with reality. Sometimes guys just don't want that "quality" time, right? Or maybe my needs are too much for him right now. Whatever the reason, I just feel so out of touch.

Add to that fact, the whole FB experience where I tried to engage people in FB conversations only to become totally ignored. And I do mean totally. I reply to people's statuses and don't get any replies to mine. I'm roundly ignored by friends, family, you name it. Oh well. FB is not the epitome of human existence. And I became quite addicted to it. So I'm trying an experiment. Give up the account for a week. Let's see how this goes. I don't know if I'll go through withdraw, but I always have this blog to post to if I feel the need to tell the internets what's happening with my chicken noodle soup or how I split the atom or something.....

Call me needy, but I sometimes need and crave people commenting to me so that I know that my inner fears of being invisible are really unfounded. Problem is, even when I go out looking for attention, I don't get it. That leads me down into a spiral of doubt and sadness. I don't want to be an attention whore, but I can't help it sometimes.

This leads me to my lack of sleep last night, my feeling like I am going to cry right now, and the wicked dream I had. It was such a weird day - J and I were off together, I wasn't feeling well, but I really needed him to pay attention to me. We managed some "alone time" in the morning, but after lunch we went to the DMV (scathing post on that to follow) and that literally sucked up the day. We went to the supermarket and then back home by 6:00. While J relaxed a little, I had to run to the store for a new pair of tweezers (don't ask, I was fixated on getting my brows done). When I got back, I did my brows and got into my PJs, thinking I would be getting some more snuggle time. Not so. J was in bed, covers on, and watching TV. I could tell that my little hints didn't work and I was highly disappointed. I ended up playing a video game until almost 10 p.m. where I found J snoring and was even more disappointed when I said to him that I needed his attention and all he did was apologize and roll back over to go to sleep. I practically had to beg for a good night kiss.

I cried myself to sleep.

Then I had this dream:

I was driving home from work in a frenzy. Gameboy was being picked up by his father from school, and I wanted to get home a little early to put together a nice romantic meal for J and I. When I get to the house, J's car is in the drive. I think, "Oh, he's trying to surprise me! How sweet." And I jump out of the car and run into the house. But the house is dark and for some reason smells like mold. I run through a long hall (as the house suddenly becomes really HUGE) getting excited to see my sweetie. As I get closer to the closed door at the end of the hall, I hear sounds coming from it, deep moaning and gasping sounds. I hear the bed squeaking. I throw the door open to find J in bed with some tall, gorgeous, thin red-head. Instead of screaming and throwing a fit, I can't breathe. I slowly back out of the room while they are still going at it, and just quietly close the door. I end up in a room that is dark and made of cinder block - with water dripping somewhere. I sit alone in the room crying, while I hear the sounds from the room echoing through the house....

When I woke up, J's arm was casually draped over me in sleep. I pushed his arm off, half disgusted, half fearful to wake him. I really just want to feel confident and comfortable like I did before - why can't I? It was 2 a.m. and I was staring at the wall wondering if I should get up and sleep elsewhere or just stay there and try to get back to sleep. Since I was tired, I stayed there, but it was uncomfortable. I eventually fell back asleep, but I was haunted by the dream. I still have this feeling this morning - that I am invisible.

I am sure some of it is coming from changes happening at work and my feeling like I am being easily and summarily dismissed from the good things I have done for my team. Another part of it is hormones. But when you have to beg your man for attention only 2 weeks after your wedding, it tends to lead to doubts, you know?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Gearing Up

Ever since the hubby went to the "Gentleman's Club" for his bachelor party, I have been obsessing on stripper music. Why? Well, for one, I have a fascination with the women that can do that kind of thing for a living. First, they have to be in incredible shape to be able to work the pole (and I mean that literally, not figuratively) and pull themselves up in the air. Second, they have no problem walking around near naked. We all know that GeekChick CANNOT do this due to her weight, and that kinda makes me wonder how a woman can feel so comfortable with herself that she is not afraid to show off all that skin. I mean, really! In the bedroom is one thing. But in front of all those guys leering at them? Not so much. But they clearly have no issue with it. I'm just so intrigued. Some may call them "ho's" or "trash", but it takes a real special ego to prance around near-nekkid like that and not feel all self-conscious and stuff. How do they not compare themselves to each other and feel they may be lacking? I know I would at this point. Third, the music is something that I can groove to. I like all kinds of music, but the kind that strippers use is a bit more provocative. It actually titillates me. Call me a freak (as others have done), but I am turned on by strippers. Not the thought of them crawling all over my hubby, mind you, but I am actually over that now.

Really.

Now I am even more motivated to get into shape. Not for J, not for others, but for me, so that I can feel comfortable and free in my skin the way these women are. I doubt I'll ever be able to walk around in killer heels (broken ankle and tendon damage, don't cha know). Nor will I be able to swing up in the air on a pole holding my weight with nothing but my arms. But what I CAN do is get myself to a healthy range so I can feel good about it. And wear cute clothes. And not look at other women as a threat.

Anyway, I found a plethora of info on the web for what music women use for pole dancing and stripping. Itunes actually has "essential" play lists dedicated to this music. And, I was able to get quite a bit of it. And, here's the coolest - they have stripping videos for EXERCISE! How about that? Learn to be sensual and get in shape at the same time. Too cool! I must have led a really sheltered life to now know about this stuff.

So watch out world! GeekChick is on a mission, and we all know a woman with a mission is a force to be reckoned with!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Things To Do

Week 1 of married life has passed and all I can say is, it's SO much better than the first time around. J and I are so sympatico that we can finish each other's sentences and even think the same exact things from time to time. We had an awesome weekend, treating it like a mini-honeymoon, and it was really wonderful. Didn't even mind having to pick up Gameboy a bit early (he was happy to be home, too).

This weekend, J and I decided that we needed to do a few things around the house as well. We are changing the family room over to a "man cave" of sorts. We moved the home computer into that room, and the video games. We are slowly putting up bar signs and bar stuff to make it feel like a real cave. Eventually, we'll even put on a real door :)

Gameboy decided that he wanted the smaller bedroom, instead of the nice, large bedroom he had. It seems that he is easily scared at night, and the smaller room offers more of a "cozy" feeling to him (his words!). So, we cleaned out more stuff and moved his mattress and boxspring in there. Slowly we will move over his dressers and clothes. It gives me the opportunity to weed out clothes and toys that no longer are in use. And it's also making me realize that my son has some "issues" that point more and more to Asperger's Syndrome and not so much to ADHD.

Speaking of which, his teacher is clueless as to how to handle ADHD. We had a parent/teacher conference and the praise settled on how Gameboy is a sweet kid and very loving, but is hard to keep on task and is highly distractable. You don't say? Seriously, I had to offer her some suggestions! It was weird to say the least. As a long time teacher, I had hope she encountered kids like this before and had something to offer. Nope. Also, it turns out that Gameboy doesn't play with ANYONE at school. This makes me incredibly sad. How do I get him to make friends with them? He had 2 friends but when I questioned him last night, he said they annoy him and he stopped playing with them. I am at a loss. Play dates didn't seem to work. He refuses to go. Then there's going to karate - he wants to quit. I will not allow my son to become a recluse, so I am forcing him to keep going. It's really frustrating.

Back to the house stuff - we are going to turn Gameboy's room into the true play room and craft room. That way, we can close the door on the toys/mess! LOL Only half kidding on that one. We want a guest room, and it's a big enough room to have a bed and the air hockey table and a few things so it should be good. I'll be working on that a little every night, gutting the room and putting it back together. I also have to move the stuff in the smaller room out to make way for the rest of Gameboy's furniture. It should work out great, and he is so happy with his new room, he slept in it all night! It was quite nice to see he is comfortable with this change. Also, since his old room was bigger, it was also usually colder. So it's a win all around.

I have been hoping to start a new knitting project, but I haven't been able to get to it with all the wedding stuff and now the house flop. I will hopefully start a new shawl for my vintage dress sometime this month. We'll see. The month is almost out!

Have a great one!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Fugly Stepsister; A Modern Fairy Tale, Version 2

A little time ago, in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a fugly stepsister. Her sisters never mocked her for her fugliness, but she felt in her heart that they pitied her. Her only solace from her self-loathing was in her fiber arts. With only two needles and some wool, she was able to spin lovely adornments that were highly sought after by many in the kingdom.

She watched as her sisters each went onto an amazing journey, returning with a radiant glow about them. They found inner happiness and were able to smile and laugh, sing and dance. The fugly stepsister could not understand what it was that they had discovered. She became secretly bitter and angry. Her heart longed for the key to the song that the sisters sang. She foolishly believed that the song orginated from their respective princes. So she found someone that she could pretend was a prince to see if that unlocked the song. It did not. In fact, it made the fugly stepsister even more angry and bitter. Her very soul started to shrivel. Then, the most wonderful miracle happened. The fugly stepsister gave birth to the most gorgeous of babies. The Handsome Son was the toast of the fake prince's family and for a time, the fugly stepsister felt that they were actually accepting her. But, as the Handsome Son grew, it was more and more obvious that her in-laws were not really "family". They tolerated her, nothing more. This hurt the fugly stepsister and she began to look harder at the sham of a marriage she had created. She also realized that she had not even yet discovered the wonderful song. In a burst of self-realization, the fugly stepsister decided to be true to what she felt was the honest course of action. The resulting chaos was difficult and painful. She prayed often that it would end and that she would be spared the agony of watching those she loved suffer from her choices. She retreated back into her shell, not allowing even those closest to her to know the true desire in her heart - to sing the song. If she could find the melody, she knew she would sing it forever. But she was afraid. What if she never finds the song? What if she fails, yet again, to understand the true nature of it's origin? What if she found the song, but realized that she couldn't sing it?

One day, the fugly stepsister decided that she no longer wanted to live in the shadow of her own fear and anger. She decided to set off on her own wonderful adventure...

She encountered lots of Ogres in her search for a real prince. She suffered bouts of loneliness, fear, anger, and heartbreak. But she decided that she needed to push through the pain. Her heart didn't sing, but it wasn't dead, either. It was not such a burden as she had thought - getting through the walls she had built up around herself. She started slow, letting one person in at a time. Lo and behold, the Stepsister found herself with many more friends, and much more confidence. Slowly, she began to hear music. A very faint tune that she could not place.

One day, the Stepsister was befriended by a man, who appeared to be a pauper. Poor as poor can be, he had a light within him that would permeate the darkness around him. He needed some help in recognizing his light, so she would give him guidance and friendship. Slowly, he began to see the beauty he offered. Their friendship grew.

Then in the fall, on a carriage ride through the orchard, the stepsister discovered that her heart was singing and that the song was the same that came from the man. She was astounded to hear the song playing in her ears, in her eyes, and in her soul. She could not stop the music anymore than she could stop from breathing. It was loud, sweet, and enveloped her in a warmth and peace she had never known. The song was so melodic, it made her cry. His song was so strong, she drowned in it's sweetness.

And finally, she realized, that her pauper was really a prince. A prince with such wealth and fortune that she was unable to quantify it. Finally, she had found the song to her happiness. And in the discovery, found that she truly was beautiful after all.

Wedding is Looming

4 days to the wedding, y'all!

Yes, you read that right. 4 days!

Not that I'm really excited or anything :) Ok, maybe a little....ok, A LOT.

Anyway, I was looking back on some older posts that I had written and found this one about J and I in the beginning....

"I know I said it before, but putting this in "Mr. Baseball" terms, this relationship has come out of left field. J has added so much to my life and I have to say, I am so grateful he did not run screaming the other direction when met the first time. Normally, a guy would never meet me unless I was fully made up and had on my best skinny jeans. Not so on our first meeting, I was in my bum clothes, no make up, and my hair was all wild and curly. Not that it would have mattered. We were just friends, after all. I told him everything - even about Mr. HKwho? and the guys I was meeting online. He knew about my crazy ex (he has one too) and about the struggles I faced getting my divorce. As we compared notes we discovered that we had "parallel lives". So many things we went through in our lives were similar. I relied on him for his perspective into the insanity when it hit me, and I tried to offer the same steady viewpoint when his life was nutty.
I can't pinpoint why it changed when it did. All I know is, I knew the moment it happened. I felt it. It was a real, tangible shift in my perspective. Like a moment when you are coming out of a dark tunnel.
J makes me feel special. He helps me get back up when I am down. He allows me to be me, and doesn't make me feel inferior (aside from losing at baseball, but I digress...). I am so lucky to have met him and that he decided to take a risk and supercede our friendship to ask me out on a date. It's still very new for us. We are taking it slow. But with the friendship as our groundwork, I feel closer to him than I have ever felt to any man in my life before. Ok,now I probably scared him off :) But I have to be honest. Actually, he knows all this. I am just trying to put into words how amazing it is that this clicked at all. It's true, when you least expect it, you get it.
Ok, enough of that. I am feeling really warm and fuzzy today. I think I'll go hug a tree - when it stops raining, that is...."

That was only a year ago. And here I sit and ponder how life's little twists and turns lead us to the road we were meant to be on. I wish everyone could feel loved as I feel loved, feel the wonderful connection that goes with it. I think the world would be a much better place.

To J - I love you. Those three words that I uttered to you 356 days ago by accident have become prophetic. I cherish my life with you, and I am so honored to be your wife.

Friday, October 9, 2009

What Would YOU Do?

I posted a couple of days ago about the bachelor party and how it really got to me. I wanted to deal and just get over it already, but I was having a really, really, really tough time. Still have a hard time, but I had a big melt down last night and poor J had to bring me down from the edge. He did a pretty good job of it, and I felt TONS better after our dialogue. I asked him to tell me everything, and I trust now that I know exactly what happened. Although some people would say not knowing is probably better, I would totally disagree. To me, knowing the truth is the easiest way to get over it. I lived with lies and deceipt before and I learned from it. Even if the truth hurts, it is better to deal with it at that moment and move on...

So I got the truth last night. And boy, did it hurt! Think about this ladies - your man is in a strip club with a mostly naked woman grinding on top of him and pushing her well-formed teats in his face. How would you feel?

I can't imagine you would feel good about this. In fact, I defy anyone to tell me that they have NO visceral reaction to this thought. Even a tiny pang of jealousy? Even a bit of a "Hands off, bitch. That's MY man!" reaction? Anyway, I'm interested to know what would go through your mind. Not because it would change how I feel, but maybe give me a bit more insight into my (over)reaction and it's consequences.

Here is what I am struggling with in this scenario:
1. My ego is hurting. My self esteem is at an all time low after this scenario. I have always felt deficient because of my weight, and I try to do something about it, and it never works for me. To have to know that these chicks with their perfect bodies were getting it on with my guy is the biggest kick in my gut you can imagine.

2. My space has been invaded. My sexual relationship with J is the most incredible that I have ever experienced. Never had a lover like him. And now I had to "share" him with two women that are using their bodies for the sole purpose of getting a guy hot and bothered (and possibly getting him off)...my personal territory has been defiled. They TOUCHED him, and by nature of their performance on him, he was touching them. Ouch.

3. I can't compete with them. All my life, I have lived in the shadow of the "pretty" ones, the "hot bodies", the "desirable ones". I have always been lacking, and mostly invisible to men. They, on the other hand, have what every guy wants and more. What's a non-hottie to do? It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to eat anymore. I am my own worst enemy and I know it. Still, even if I lost all the weight I want to, I would NEVER be like them - beautiful, hot, sexy. I fooled myself all these years into believing that I would if I lost the weight. Nope. Maybe with plastic surgery, and someone else's face. It's really a hard thing being the ugly duckling in the family, folks. I've tried to hide it over the years, but that's what it comes down to. Which is why I try make up for it in personality.

4. He enjoyed it. Here's where it is the hardest for me to swallow all this - seriously. I would have to be stupid to think that any man wouldn't enjoy a hot body crawling all over him (paid for or not), and I am not stupid. I am also not as naive as I used to be - having seen for my self what a lap dance is all about. But to know that he was enjoying another woman arousing him sets me over the edge. And makes me feel threatened and jealous....And I feel bad about feeling bad. 'Cause I don't want to J to feel guilty or bad - this was his bachelor party, after all. And I know he feels bad because he's faced with my reaction to all this...which is a circular issue because then I feel worse because I made him feel bad...and so on, and so on, and so on...

So, it's been a real internal battle. And only 9 days to our wedding. I need to resolve this for myself asap so I can move on and just let things wash over me. I know in my heart that J didn't intend to hurt me, that he never imagined I would react this way, and that he didn't go to "get off". In fact, I had to give him some background info because he couldn't have been aware of my lifelong struggle with feeling inferior. So in many ways, this was an eye opening experience for him. But not one that I really wanted him to have.

God, this really sucks.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

10 Days and Counting

I’m getting married in 10 days.

Yup, 10 days.

OMG!!!!!!

Ok, deep breath. There, that feels better. I am just about ready. Have a few things that need to be done before the big day. At least most of what I wanted done is complete. The only thing I don’t have done is figuring out how to decorate the backstop behind home plate. Or even if I should. Hmmmmmm.

Another thing to work on is trying to integrate Gameboy into the ceremony. This is his wedding too, in a sense. We want to make something special happen, but we are not sure what or how that will work. The officiate is very open to ideas. Just have to get something figured out.

Sorry for the choppy update – VERY busy! Hope all is well in your world. Check back as we get closer to see me freak some more….

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What She Discovered Recently

Howdy y'all! I'm on the countdown to the wedding - t minus 12 days - and I am having quite the time of it.

See, J's bachelor party (hosted by my brother, btw) was Saturday and I have to admit to a bit of a meltdown. Ok, more than a bit. I freaked. I freaked before he went because I didn't know what my brother was planning and I imagined all kinds of deplorable behavior. And I hate being kept in the dark. What bugged me most was that I was kept in the dark despite the fact that J knew what was being planned for my bachelorette. I felt like I should have known about his then. Not so, according to my brother. So I stewed, completely in the dark and thinking the worst.

When Friday came, I was morose, depressed, and really angry. I wasn't blaming J, but I secretly wanted him to stand up to my brother and tell him that I should know something. I totally trust J and didn't believe he was going out to get laid or anything. I knew that he wouldn't go to any extreme that would jeapordize our relationship if it ever came to light. But I still had all these fears and anxieties about the whole thing. Why did he need to go out and ogle other women, nekkid ones at that? That just didn't seem right.

Then a friend of mine at work put it this way - "Did you ever go to the mall and look at dresses and shoes you were never going to buy?" (For me, it's more like purses, but yes, I see the point). So this was similar to guys going out and "looking" and not buying. Well, ok. That's a bit more palatable. Still, it really got into my brain and wouldn't let go. The thought of some nekkid woman crawling all over my man makes me ill.

Then my friend (who is a guy) says to me, "You know this is your self-esteem acting this way."

Ummm, yeah. My self-esteem is still not where I would like it to be. In the past year, I put on 50 pounds and I am really down about it. I'm just not feeling like I am at my best. And then comes a party where my fiance is being taken to a strip club where dozens of nekkid perfect bodies (yes, I know some of them are plastic) are prancing around and rubbing him with their butts and breasts. Not an ideal situation in my brain. So here we are 3 days later and I am still dwelling on the thoughts of my man being aroused by these women and getting all hot and bothered by them. I can't seem to shake the idea that there is something I am lacking for him to go and find that enticing. I am dogged by the constant notion that I am just not pretty or sexy enough. And I am scared. Scared that after finding the perfect one, if I don't fulfil his every desire, he might look elsewhere (like my ex did).

Pre-wedding jitters? Maybe. All I know is that I am getting married and need some confidence in myself right now - and thinking about my fiance in another woman's arms is throwing me over the edge....

Oh, and I haven't been to a mall to "look at other dresses and shoes" in years. Just sayin'.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Why My Son is Awesome

Being sick sucks, and I seem to get sick when I am stressed. It's no secret that I am a highly emotional person. So that means I tend to stress myself out...A LOT. These days, the stress is kinda good - wedding plans, working on a new position at work, and finally straightening out my finances. But it is still stress and it still affects me the same way. Hence, I am sick again.

It's a bit of nausea, a bit of stomach cramping, and a whole lot of fatigue. I am just plain worn out these days.

Yesterday, I got home from work and promptly changed into jammies and laid on the couch. I was lying there for only a few moments when Gameboy comes up to me and gently strokes my hair. He didn't say a word. Then, he leans over and kisses my forehead and says, "Don't worry, Mommy, I'll take care of you."

Can it get any better than that, folks?

Nevermind that immediately after he pitched a fit because we wouldn't order out for pizza (despite the fact that J was making a pizza for dinner). Nevermind the fact that he threw a real tantrum because I wanted him to finish his homework before we ate (but he did finish it soon after we ate). The simple gesture really touched me and I was able to quickly let those other things go.

Until he asked for ice cream just as I was getting up to go to bed...but that isn't important right now.

My son is awesome. And that's all there is to it.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Hello? Is this thing on?

Oh my, where to begin? It's been 3 months since I blogged last? REALLY? Hmmmmm, something is definitely amiss when I can't even remember the last time I blogged.

Whew! Where to begin? It's been a CRAZY summer and I have tons of updates. So, I'll give you the short version.

Top Ten Things That Happened to GeekChick This Summer

10. Fought the urge to hire big guns against MFE and decided to let things play out. As a result, MFE completed his anger management course in due order. GameBoy now actually enjoys his time with his so-called father. And J and I get a couple of much needed kid-less days and nights together.

9. Had some MAJOR issues with people at work. My team was falling apart and I was powerless to stop it. Most of them turned against me (despite the fact that I held them together through 2 management changes) and tried to blame my ineffective supervision as the reason that they were turning on each other and fighting, clawing for power, and just down right miserable. When our HR department asked me if I was happy in my position, I had to say emphatically, "NO way Jose!" As a result, we are planning a reorg which will include the manager directly supervising the "people" part of the team and I will manage processes. Very nice.

8. Had an epiphany about the junk in my house. Time to clear out and simplify. I looked at the stuff piled up in different rooms and decided that now was the time to act. So far, have managed to clear out a few things. The goal is to have an actual GUEST ROOM (gasp!) and reclaim use of the family room.

7. Had my 41st birthday. And that's all I want to say about that.

6. Finally saw my doc about my anxiety/mood swings/manic episodes around certain times of the month. The diagnosis - PMDD. I am now on a little blue pill for the two weeks leading up to Aunt Flo. It's ok, but I want the pill for EVERY DAY. In any case, it does help, so progress....

5. Went camping with the family. It was AWESOME. My incredibly AWESOME sis, DG, allowed us the use of her mini-van and J and I took BugBoy and GameBoy camping for a long weekend for the family reunion. It was so good, we want to do it every year. We will balance it out against going back to MI to visit the family there.

4. My Grandmother, Iron Peg, died in August. We had advance notice that she was deteriorating, so I was able to see her before she went. I thanked her for her support and love, and made sure she knew that we were all going to be ok. It was even more heartbreaking to have the family divide up her things. It was necessary, and I am glad that just about everything went to a good home, but it was so hard nonetheless.

3. Participated in the "Mayberry Community Yard Sale" with my awesome sis, DG. J and I were able to unload most of the furniture. Thank goodness. Helpful for the clearing-out that I am currently trying to do.

2. Went to DC with J the first weekend of August, where we decided on the biggest thing to happen this summer....

And that would be...

1. J and I are getting married! Yes, you read that correctly. We proposed to each other in DC (very romantic, btw) and promptly set about a date. We are not much for waiting (with me being in advanced years and all), so after some false starts, we decided on October 18th....of THIS YEAR. That makes GeekChick one crazy chick, but hey, what's a little more stress in my life? LOL Seriously, folks, J and I are insanely happy and he is my Ying as I am his Yang...well, that doesn't sound right, but you get the idea. I have never imagined such a perfect match in all my life. He isn't judgemental, tempermental, or going mental. He is calm, kind, loving and oh-so-supportive. And he is probably going to read this, so I won't embarrass him any more.

The wedding will be taking place before the end of the season game for his vintage baseball team. We are even dressing in period appropriate clothing. Oh, it's gonna be a kick! I even have (GASP!) yarn on my needles again.

Yes, things are looking good in GeekChick's world right now. And I am enjoying every moment! Later Gators!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

On Hiatus

Due to issues at work, I am unable to post during the day. And I don't have time when I get home from work. So, this blog has been quiet - ok, ok, dead. But I hope to return real soon. In the meantime, get out and enjoy your summer!

Oh, and to those that responded to my last post - thank you. The email spurred MFE to return to counseling, so that in itself was worth it.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Blocked No More

This weekend, I received the "document" that MFE was supposed to give me a month ago. It shows he only attended 2 sessions of "therapy". That somehow tapped a nerve deep within me and gave me a surge of energy and rage. I cleaned, forced J to help me rip up a carpet and lay down a new one, rearranged furniture, and even did some laundry! I was on a mission. It seems that righteous anger has done much for me these days....and it even spurred me to write this:

_________________________________________

To MFE,
Thank you for the documentation that you delivered to me on June 21st to show that you enrolled in an anger management program. I see from the dates, however, that you have not attended since May 19th, and in fact, only attended 2 sessions. As we discussed this last week, I wanted to follow up and determine what your intent may be. I reviewed the agreement we signed on April 22nd against this information and I agree that (1) the agreement does not specify any specific number of sessions; (2) any court will likely view the "4 months" language to mean at least 8 sessions. Based on this information, I wanted to determine if you intended to return to the agreed upon therapy, or if you plan to adhere to the assumption that you are not bound to attend any specific number of sessions. My actions will further be determined by your response and your willingness to work with me to complete the agreement that was made between us and filed with the courts.

Also, I wanted to inform you that I will be filing a modified visitation agreement with the court to make official the current schedule of 3 hours per week with no overnight visits, as per Gameboy’s therapist’s direction. We will continue with this modified visitation and once Gameboy’s therapist suggests a new schedule, I will file that with the court as well. I wish to avoid any miscommunication about this issue, as I am sure you would agree.

Further, I am finding that the struggle to get Gameboy to comply with your visitation is becoming more and more anxiety ridden for him. He becomes angry and morose when I attempt to have him dress for your visit. I asked him why and he expressed that he did not want to see you. I will no longer be forcing him to visit with you if he expresses anxiety about it. I feel that it is not in Gameboy’s best interests to extend the stress and anxiety that he displays. If this is the case on his visitation night of Wednesday or Thursday, I will give you notice that we should try another night.

Please reply in email what your intentions are surrounding the therapy. I am hoping to resolve this issue quickly and without legal intervention.

_____________________________________

How's that for creative juices flowing? Yup, I'm BACK!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Bored?

Well, not really. I'm in that "so-stressed-out-I-can't-function" mode. I have found that I can rouse my butt to get to work, do what is necessary to make it through the day, go and get Gameboy and run him to his events, then get home and...

CRASH

Nothing

Nada

My brain is on hyper drive so much daily that by the time I walk into my domestic haven called a domicile, I am ready for mind-numbing nothingness.

It's been like this for at least 2 weeks. I am sure the overcast skies and continual rain don't help. I am also sure that Aunt Flo is late by at least the same 2 weeks. Coincidence? I think NOT. Still, it's really hard for me to focus on getting laundry done or doing the really difficult task of making a reasonable dinner. And don't tell me it's depression. It ain't. I know it is caused by the stress of MFE being a buttwad, my team at work turning against me and acting like I am SUDDENLY the worst supervisor ever (even though they were singing my praises just a short month or so ago), and Gameboy having such major anxiety and anger issues that he requires therapy. Seriously, I am at my wit's end. I am not sleeping well, either. I toss and turn and wake up several times a night with my mind racing faster than the Zephyr. And you wonder why I turn to the Captain from time to time? LOL If it weren't for J and his rock-solidness, I would crumble into a heap of babbling and drooling self pity.

So, I am not really bored. What I am is out of diversions to give me a break. Knitting isn't doing it for me (GASP! The HORROR!), TV is controlled by Gameboy, can't shop because I have no money, and it's freaking raining like we live in Seattle or something so I can't get out and DO something. In return, I have taken to spending mindless hours on the internets. Nothing of excitement, just trolling around looking for something that puts my brain into it's happy place. So far, haven't found it.....

Luckily, J comes home and I am suddenly into more *ahem* interesting diversions...

Speaking of which - it's probably saying too much (and if you aren't into TMI, you may want to stop reading here), but I'm gonna say it because that's just how I roll....the *ahem* is AMAZING! I can't help but want to shout it to the world because in my long 40 years, I have never been so happy with *ahem* or my own sexuality. J makes me feel so special and so loved. That opened the inner pron star in me :) I know, I know, but I did warn you. If you are still reading, then just know that I can't understand how people can go weeks, months, even YEARS, without *ahem*. They need to find the perfect person to unleash the freak within. Growing up I was taught (thank Stoic Catholicism for that) that *ahem* is bad, evil, or at least goes unspoken. Why? What is the purpose? *Ahem* between two committed adults in a loving and giving relationship is the most beautiful thing. Maybe that's what I discovered about myself with J - there is so much love there that I have become somewhat addicted to him and his ability to make me feel like I am beautiful, special, the only other person on earth. Truly a unique and gifted man :) So thanks J - if not for you, I would be sitting in a white padded room banging my head on the floor while rambling on and on about nothing in particular...

Monday, June 15, 2009

Distress

Like I need more drama in my life. So I was following up with MFE on the form that he was supposed to provide when he started his anger management therapy. I asked him for it again on Wednesday, only to find out that he was no longer attending. So he is in violation of our agreement that we signed stating that he would attend 4 months worth of sessions. Right. On top of that, he doesn't have the form. I threatened again to take him to court, and I called his lawyer. Per his lawyer, there is no required number of sessions to attend. I disagreed since the agreement clearly stated he attend 4 months worth of sessions. Even if he did one every month, that would satisfy the agreement. MFE did 3 in 90 days and stopped. I realized as the lawyer was talking that I was rooked, and now I am pissed. MFE states he has no time for therapy. He's too busy. He has too much going on. I reminded him that Gameboy's therapist will not see them together until he has completed a significant number of sessions. He didn't care. I then stated that it was on him to make this work. I am DONE trying to make him into a father. They are both scum and should burn in hell for being so blase about my son's future relationship with his dad.

I have been pondering this long and hard all weekend (which I made longer by taking Friday off due to the mounting tensions at work and the stress I have been under). I have come to the determination that I am DONE, DONE, REALLY DONE with MFE. I am not going to file anything against him. If he doesn't want a relationship with his son, so be it. If he hurts him again, I will file the PFA and not discuss a damn thing with his lawyer. Let him defend the snake in court. Let him weasel his way out of it if he can.

What I am going to do is continue to inform MFE of what Gameboy is doing. I will also continue to relate the counselor's recommendations to MFE through email. I will not talk to him by phone. I will not talk to him at all. When he wants Gameboy, I will make sure he gives me 24 hours notice or he doesn't get him. I have yet to hear of any vacation plans (the agreement states he has to give it to me in writing by the end of April or he doesn't have him when he wants him). So I am guessing he isn't taking him. Which is actually a good thing. At this point, the therapist doesn't want Gameboy to go with his dad overnight. In fact, he is limited to 3 hours at a time once a week. Sigh. I don't know how long this will last, but it is very upsetting. I will be speaking to Gameboy's counselor tomorrow night and I'll find out from her what is best for my boy.

One strongly worded letter to MFE to follow....

Saturday, June 6, 2009

7 Pounds

No, not the tear-jerking depressing Wil Smith movie - this number represents a week's worth of returning to the folds of the low-carb way of eating. I FINALLY realized that my gain in girth was not good (ha! how's that for alliteration?)and kicked myself into gear. It didn't hurt that we have a "Loser's Club" bet going at work where I could stand to win $320! Yeah, money motivates me, what of it?

Any way, I have lost 7 pounds this week, and it feels good. That without exercising really, because my ankle is still unable to handle walking for extended periods of time. But, what I was able to see is that my stomach area has shrunk. I will be taking measurements to track my progress with that too. I feel really good about it. And I brought out the arm weights at work so I can do some stuff while on break or conference calls. Gonna do it...I am trying to get into a certain white dress in a year or so....

Friday, June 5, 2009

WTF, Revisited

Ok, must still be battling hormones, because in an instant today, my full on freakout mode returned. I had another lovely post planned, but decided to ditch it when I received an email from GB's teacher. She "noticed" that GB is not wearing the regulation uniform and stated that for the final week of school they are required to be properly dressed. I immediately felt my chest constrict, my breathing shallow, and small veins popping on the side of my head. WTF she "noticed"??? I sent in a note to her 2 weeks ago that he had suddenly outgrown his uniforms and I was looking for replacement pieces. I found a couple of shorts at Target, but they were all out of his size and style. I found a pair of pants. I hemmed them. The freaking problem is that I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY and I have to now buy him uniform pants/shorts that cost FARGING TOO MUCH. Seriously, the shorts from the uniform company are $22!!!! Walmart has a similar pair for $12. Target has them for $10 (but they aren't available for another 6-8 weeks). So what am I supposed to do, sell my freaking blood to buy the shorts??? I ended up ordering a pair from Walmart just for next week. I overnighted them. They came to $18 after shipping was applied. I'm ok with this, because if I ordered them from the FARGING uniform company, they would cost $35 with shipping.

So, the reason I am freaking - I realized recently that I am in debt up to my eyeballs and beyond...and there is no way out. I am NEVER going to dig out of this hole. And it sucks, y'all. I had wanted desperately to believe that once I was divorced, that it would all work out for the better. Well, it sort of did, but not financially. My credit is in the toilet since I am still showing as responsbile on the exes house, as well as various loans he took out in both our names. Not to mention the fact that when I divorced, I nearly doubled my credit card debt because I needed things instantly and didn't have the money for them.

I can hear the lectures coming now. Seriously, keep them to yourself. I had to do what I had to do at the time. The thing is, I realized that I screwed up and now I have only the one credit card, which I WILL NOT USE. It needs to be paid off and that's all there is to it.

So here I sit. Feeling like EVERYONE and their brother is trying to bleed me dry. And now this teacher gets on her high and mighty horse and lectures me on having the proper attire for the FARGING last week of school? WTF? Give me a break, lady. I'm doing the best I can.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

For Once, I'm NOT Speechless

So, lots going on, and to be completely frank, I have not had the energy or desire to post a blog entry. Why? Ummmm.... Lazy and lack of subject matter. Ok, that's a lie. Tons of stuff is happening, but I don't possess the fortitude of wit to make it entertaining for y'all. So, I will just roll it out as...

GeekChick's Top Ten Reasons She Is Not Blogging
well, that's an odd title, because this IS a blog entry...but I digress...

10. Pure exhaustion has overtaken me and I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed.
9. Doods, hormones!
8. I am running all over the greater Northern Delaware area on a daily basis for therapy appointments, karate, cat stuff, and baseball.
7. Somewhere, somebody is sleeping and I am deeply jealous.
6. I have to pack up all my MK stuff and ship it back to the company.
5. I get lost on the internets when I log in to check my FB page.
4. There's enough laundry to make DG's pile look like a foothill.
3. My ankle is still messed up and I am forced to rest it at least for an hour a day.
2. Gameboy is quite demanding of my time these days and my energy level is waning.

And the number one reason I am not blogging.....

1. J moved in and I am still getting accustomed to having him there every night!

Ok, so J moving in is a good thing, right? Of course it is. But I am finding that I would much rather sit with him on the couch than do aforementioned laundry, or dishes, or clean, or vacuum, or...you get the picture. Not only that, but there is TONS of clearing out to do by next weekend when we were planning on moving his extra furniture into the garage. I will HAVE to hold a yard sale for some of the furniture items (cause I have TONS of yard sale stuff piled up in my garage anyway and I want to make some money from it). Add to that fact the need to clear out the office, I still have SIX freaking cats in my house, and I have tons of paperwork to clear up for the summer camp, and you have one cranky GeekChick on your hands....or on J's hands...poor J.....

In other news:

Gameboy has friends again in the neighborhood! It's great to have them come and play with him. He needs the social time so badly. He even had a play date with a school friend this past weekend. That's progress!

My mom is in the hospital and I am....resigned. That's probably not what you expected to hear from me considering, but it is the best word to describe how I feel. I think I have finally come to the understanding that she is mentally ill (yeah, slow learner, that's me....) and have to accept her as she is. I miss my mom. She is having a glut of testing done, but is improving. The diagnosis is leaning toward a stroke. We'll know more as the tests come out. Still, it really scared me when I realized that she was so badly off - and that I may miss that opportunity to reconcile myself with her illness. So, no time like the present.

I had a major freak out this past weekend as well. It highlighted my hormonal issues and the fact that I had not dealt with them at all. I had promised to call the doc many moons ago. Well, I finally did it. I made an appointment...for July! But, I asked to be put onto a cancellation list. At this point, I will drop all to deal with this mess. I know it is hormone related because it only happens the week before Aunt Flo arrives and it magically clears up right before the cramps set in. Coincidence? I think not! Anyway, because J is now living with me, and since my freak out started Friday, he was subjected to the worst of it through the weekend. I have to say, though, he handled it like a champ (didn't call me a psycho even once!) and tried his damnedest to be comforting and consoling. You girls know when you are in that "MOOD" you don't want to be touched or comforted, but I have to give him props. He really did all he could to show he cared. Once the tempest abated, I was able to have an intelligent conversation with him again and explain. Still, feeling that crazed is really not a good feeling at all....

I still have SIX freaking cats in my house! I need help.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

WTF????

Seriously, if there is one thing in this world that really gets my Irish up (there are many, but this is the top of the list), it is mistreating a child. If you have the time, see this and don't say I didn't warn you that it could make you nutty. Why are schools allowed to do this? And who's freaking bright idea was it to begin with? They should be drawn and quartered. Yes, that is a really painful death, but it is deserved if a child is suffering at their hands. It's one thing to "time out" a child, but to lock them in a room? WTF?

I hurt my ankle again last night. Taking too many stairs too quickly. I don't even know how it really happened. I went down the stairs fine, but coming back up I must have stepped wrong. The pain shot up my leg. And down my foot. I iced and elevated. Still in pain today so I am back in the fugly boot. WTF?

Gameboy had his therapy appointment last night. It went really well. Therapist agrees that "dad" shouldn't have him overnight for a bit until this is under control. And I have to figure out how to tell him. He was snippy with me when I suggested it before - and he doesn't get why this is all happening. WTF?

It took Gameboy 45 minutes to write 10 sentences. I need help with this one folks. He HATES writing and making up sentences. Definitely not something he got from mom - ask anyone that knows me that I made up songs, poems, stories, words...to anyone that would listen. So this is a huge struggle for me. And I lose my patience quickly and easily. Bless J's heart - he is so patient with Gameboy. Why can't I be? WTF?

Ok, must get back to work. Hope you have a relatively non-stressful day :)

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Figures

This past weekend was supposed to be a great weekend. It still kinda was, but I had this cloud hanging over me. You see...

J moved in officially on Friday. Gameboy was cute, running to door when he got home and shouting, "Welcome home!" We had dinner and settled in for the night. The next morning, after breakfast, we dropped Gambeboy off at his dad's. I should have known something was up in Gameboy's head because he was surly and difficult. We had to drop him off by 10, which we did, and got on the road immediately.

J and I had tickets to the Nationals game in DC, and we arrived there in plenty of time. We parked rather far away (at least for me, with a broken ankle, and I wasn't sure I could handle the walk). I checked my phone for the time - since neither of us wear a watch - and I saw that it was 12:20 and I had two voice mail. Seriously? What is up with that. The first was from MFE (surprise!) saying I needed to call back right away, Gameboy was acting up again. The second was from my sister, with the same sense of urgency. The time of the calls was 11:20-11:30. WTF? I was gone 90 minutes and already MFE is griping? I called his numbers and received no answer. Then I called my sister, who informed me that she did not answer the phone when MFE called her, but I should be aware. I begged her to take Gambeboy from him, as it was obvious that he could not handle his own child. She didn't need me to beg, she was offering at the same time. Bless her! I have the bestest sisters in the world, I swear...anyhoo, I finally got through to MFE after ringing his phones non-stop. (Aside: if it was such a fugging emergency, why didn't he answer his phones? Fugger!) He informed me that Gameboy was "up to his old tricks and tantrums". I just told him to take the kid to my sisters. It was not a good idea for them to be alone together if this is how this is going down each visit. He tried to say that he would keep Gameboy and "just see how he does", but I was adamant that I wouldn't get anymore bail-MFE-out phone calls. He agreed to take our son to my sister's after the party they were attending. It was then that the tears came. SERIOUSLY! What am I to do with this situation? It was clear MFE can't deal, and doesn't even try to anymore. It was obvious that Gameboy doesn't want to spend time with his dad, and it makes him crazy when he does. It was ever so evident that their relationship was beyond my help.... I tried to put it behind me and just enjoy the time away with J. It was hard, though, as I kept rolling it around in my head the issues with MFE and GB.

After the Nats game (where we roasted in the sun but had a good time anyway, thankyouverymuch), we winded our way to our hotel to get ready for the concert in Annapolis. I was a bit preoccupied. But, after a sinfully huge dinner at a local buffet, we made it to Annapolis in time to sit in the bar where I had the first of quite a few Cap'n Morgan and Diet Cokes. The concert was HAWESOME, fun and properly entertaining. The Players Band and the Pietasters were incredible. It was a great mixed crowd, and the night went rather quickly. I think we arrived back around 1:30. I fell into a deep alcohol induced sleep soon after.

The next morning, I was in a mood. I didn't pin point it right away. We were on the road back after an equally sinful breakfast at the same local buffet (which, incidentally, should be outlawed!). After making arrangements to pick Gameboy up, we went home, changed, and went to J's baseball practice, where I froze my arse off. After, J was beat, so I drove to pick Gameboy up. My mood darkened as we got closer and I must admit I drove crazy. I kept apologizing to J, as I am sure I was scaring the bejeebees out of him. We arrived to find Gameboy playing happily with his cousins. I, on the other hand, was annoyed. Just wasn't sure why at the time. On the way home, Gameboy's mood changed from good to sour in a matter of moments when we stopped at a store and I wouldn't let him buy whatever he wanted. He had a mini-melt down in the car. But after a stern lecture, he seemed to turn it around. I kept apologizing to J for the way I had been during our ride before and he mentioned to me that he felt that I was just worked about about the situation with MFE. You know what, he is right (yes, and he often is!).

I am worked up about it. I am freaked out that I cannot get MFE to take responsibility for his own actions. I am tired of fighting with Gameboy to make him want to go to his dad's. I am sad that he doesn't care if he sees his dad at all. I am worried that the relationship won't be repaired if MFE doesn't do something to fix it. And I am sick of getting phone calls every time MFE had his kid.

So in all, it wasn't a horrible weekend, but it was a tough one emotionally for me and Gameboy. Here's hoping it gets better - and J doesn't run screaming in the other direction....

Friday, May 15, 2009

Today My Life Changes

You know, a year ago I would never have dreamed that I would be here. "Here" being a point in my life where I am content, happy, at peace. NEVER would have dreamed it. A year ago I was sitting in my new home, crying over stress and lonliness. My little boy going off to his dad's house where the new girlfriend was being lauded as the new "IT" girl. I was home. Wallowing in self-pity. So I joined a couple of online dating sites. I found that many of the men that contacted me were players or just plain weirdos. They wanted action or they just wanted someone to lead on for awhile. I had many first dates that either scared me or just left me wondering why I was dating in the first place. I would contact someone, we would exchange numbers, we would talk and get to know one another, then we would meet up and have dinner or something. Nothing clicked. In fact, I would suddenly be dropped from their "favorites" and they would disappear. I tried to contact them again, but got nothing but crickets.

In May of last year, I met a guy, Sean, who seemed a great fit. We talked often, exchanged emails, met up twice before we agreed to tentatively see one another. It wasn't a great romance, but it was nice to have someone to spend some time with. We dated once a week or so. We also agreed that we were not "exclusive" so I left my Match.com profile as active. I received a couple of contacts, but I wasn't into dating more than one person at a time so I largely ignored them. Then, in July I received an email from a guy that was just looking to meet friends in the area. He was from out of state and didn't really know anyone. He seemed genuinely interesting. I responded that I was seeing someone, but we could be friends. He responded that he was seeing someone as well. So we struck up a friendship. And it was an easy friendship to develop. We were both in the same place in life, and both had weird relationships going on at that time.

Then, I dumped Sean because I finally figured out he was playing me - I'm a little too trusting sometimes. Then J suddenly found himself without his lady**. We talked through it, and I tried to help him see that if she was that fickle, she wasn't worth his efforts (and indeed she was not worth it, if I do say so myself). We met up one day for lunch to talk and for me to offer my friend a bit of support. After we were done, I ended up following him in my car (no, I wasn't stalking him, we were going the same direction!) and since it was a hot day, he had the top down on his convertible. I passed him at one point and yelled, "Hey hot stuff!" as I waved and drove my seperate way. Little did I know that at that moment, I was planting a seed :)

A couple of weeks later, J was in Michigan visiting friends and trying to figure out where he was going to go with everything with the kids. He desperately needed the break, and he was having a good time. I, on the other hand, was lonely and miserable and hung up on Mr. HKG (wow, remember him???) and wondering why I can't find a nice guy. J and I exchanged text messages (or they could have been email, but I forget - hey, it's been a year!) and he wanted to know why I kept chasing these younger men. I replied it was because no guy my age was interested in me. He replied, "What's to say this 38 year old isn't interested in you?"

My heart stopped. Two reactions - he's interested! Whoo-hoo! The other, "but we're friends, won't that mess it up?".

Turns out, no. In fact, it is the best thing in the world. We have tons to talk about and to share. But we are just different enough to keep things interesting and growing.

I agreed to date since we promised to keep the friendship in tact. We planned on October 18th. But before that, I invited J to the hayride on the 11th, and the rest is history. Each step redefined my life. Each step with J. And now, we are taking another step. A HUGE step into the rest of our lives. Today, J moves in with Gameboy and me. And my life changes again.

Ain't life grand?


**If any of these facts are wrong, please pardon me. My memory ain't what it used to be...but the point I am making is what is important here...

Monday, May 11, 2009

WTF? And Other Happenings

Received a call from the ex-MIL on Friday. Decided to call her back to keep her from bugging me. Her concerns were mostly that Gameboy "isn't normal" and that there is something "wrong" with him. As the conversation progressed (and I won't go into details) I got more and more annoyed. She didn't want to hear that Gameboy's anti-social behavior with his cousins on that side of the family is not intentional. She didn't hear me when I explained that he doesn't really want to die, as he apparently says often at her house, or that he hits his dad and the girlfriend because of their inability to handle him. Oh, it's his fault, to be sure - NOT. I was as respectful and as kind as I could be. Basically, I just let her have her say while being busy folding the laundry and getting my house ready for my future in-laws to arrive. I politely tried to explain that the medication is not responsible for these "horrible" outbursts that Gameboy has when he is with their family. The real problem lies with one man, MFE, and his inability to be a parent. And now I find that it stems from his mom who can't seem to understand the impact that MFE's freak outs are having on my little boy. Whatev. I assured her that the therapy was underway (thank you for raising a son that can't be a dad and is causing a young boy to be very confused). I told her I had it under control (oh, and that he didn't EVER hit or punch me or J). I then hung up so as not to lose my patience with her and possibly ruin my weekend.

Speaking of weekends, I had a pretty good one. The future in-laws arrived in grand style, bearing gifts of pierogies and kielbasa (yum!) and we had a lovely visit. Decided on Saturday that I wanted to barbecue - and held an impromptu family gathering. Had my parents and two of my sisters over (along with their kids) and we all had a really great time. My dad and J's dad got along famously. My mom pretty much avoided much social interaction, as is her M.O. these days. The kids had a ball! A good time was had by all. My ankle was pretty sore by the time the day was over, but it was a lot of fun. Now if I could just plan stuff like that in advance so I am not running around like a chicken without a head, it would be perfect :)

Anyway, Mother's Day was nice and quiet, and except for Gameboy's increasingly bratty behavior, it was a great day. Not so much relaxing, but definitely a good one. J's mom showed me how to use my sewing machine (huzzah!) and I fixed her laptop. Got some laundry done, and even was able to cook meals. It was a really good time. We did have some downtime in between meals, laundry, and trading skills, so we talked about J (naturally) and the events of his 18 year marriage to a total psycho. Poor J. He really bore all the stories well, having all the painful memories dredged up time and again as Mom B kept telling me the crazy that was his life. I have to give him props. He hung out with his crazy as bat shit ex for a lot longer than I could hang with mine. More importantly, he is a totally different person now then he used to be - and so am I. I am ever so thankful that he came into my life when he did - and that he is sticking around for a long time. I totally feel for him having to relive the days of darkness, but I remind him that he is not that person any more. He is better, stronger, faster....the 6 million dollar man! Ooops, sorry, off topic. Anyway, he was a trooper and I know it was not easy for him to listen to the things that he is trying to put behind him. One thing I can do to help that is to not ask those questions that would lead to a "Past J" story. It should all die down soon, since I am no longer the "new girl" in his life.

Off I go now, must get back to work. Tomorrow is my ortho appointment and I should finally get out of this ugly boot and into a much more reasonable splint. Happy Monday, y'all!

Friday, May 8, 2009

With Ease

“When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing.”
Enrique Jardiel Poncela quotes (Spanish writer, 1901-1952)

I discovered a blog through my sister, DG. The author is just this geek, but he writes so well it makes me feel like I have a secret that I want to tell the world about. His blog is fun to read, sometimes provocative, sometimes serious. What I love the most, though, to be honest would be his books. He has written several and I have bought them all. I find his writing to be comforting, like a favorite blanket that you cuddle up with on a cool night. He doesn't put on airs, or give any pretense. Please, if you find that you are looking for something good to read, check him out! I promise you will not be disappointed. And, you may just be surprised by something special:

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

My Happy Place - An Open Letter

Dear Blog,
I have finally found my happy place. It is a warm, comforting, and strong place. Whenever I am there, I am at peace. Relaxed. Loved. It is a wonderful place to be, within the arms of the man I love. He is wonderful too, and going through a rough time. You see, he has issues with his children that wear at him. He wants so much to give them a great life but they defy him at every turn. He is a good dad and has done so much to help them reach for a better quality of living. They just crap all over him. Why is it that they would rather live in the unknown future of their mother's care? Just because she is the mother, that's why. It's painful and sad to watch. J tries so hard and they just keep crapping all over him. Well, enough. How can a man keep his sanity with this going on? I'm amazed he lasted as long as he did. I want this to be a good time for him. He has not had many good times and he deserves them after all he has been through. I hope that in some small way, I help him to find his own happy place.

I also have finally realized that I can't fix everything. I want to, yes. But I can't. Case in point: MFE and his issues with Gameboy. This past weekend, MFE dropped GB off early because he was throwing a temper tantrum (actually, they both were). Since then, MFE has not had two words to say to me. I finally reached out in email this morning asking him for his plan for counseling (since our agreement stated he had to have 4 months of counseling - and he had to give me the therapists name and information). To my knowledge, he has not yet had an appointment. It's been three weeks. I suggested a resource for him, offered to modify the visitation further to minimize the possibility of another tantrum occurance, and made some suggestions on setting limits for GB and what to do if those limits were breached. Do you know how hard it was to swallow my pride and reach out like that? I would much rather tell MFE to f-off and just leave us be. But I know that is not reality, and it would just hurt GB in the long run. So, I put on my big chick panties and did what I thought was the responsible thing. You know what sucks? Being the only grown up in this situation. Sigh.

Finally, an open letter to those that are bugging the daylights out of me:

Dear Mrs. Ex-MIL - No, I won't call you back. You have no business in my business so stay out.

Dear Son - No, you are not "bad" or "an f-ing brat" or "a pain in the ass" as you may have heard your so-called-father say to you. I die a little every time I think those words are hurting you. You are a glorious creation, a miracle, a bit of heaven sent to me to take care of. And I will be damned for all eternity if I will let a whiney self-obsessed freak of a man tear you down. You are my joy in life. Always remember that.

Dear MFE - Grow up. See aforementioned testament to my protection of my son. Do it again, and you will go to jail. End of story.

Darling J - At the risk of being cheesy and corny, you are the light in the darkness. Your own darkness may become overwhelming, but don't let it get you down. We will overcome. Together we will hold strong. Remember - we found each other against the odds. And the odds will probably keep stacking against us for a time. But we will pervail against them! Hold on to me, and I will hold on to you. Kitchen counter, baby!

Dearest sister - You don't read my blog (I don't think), but stop calling me to come to meetings to learn how to sell stuff that I can't sell. I am done. I am a wimp though - I haven't told you yet to your face. Life is just too darn hectic for me and I don't have the time for this "career". I'll have to tell you soon, though. I need to make my office a bedroom for visiting kids.

Dear neighbors - Yes, the car in my drive is going to stay there. Stop staring and whispering behind your hands. I can't say that I like it much, either, but it's my driveway. You can clearly see I am in a boot, and hobbling around. When I have the strength, I'll clear out the garage and put the offensive automobile away. Until then, suck it up peeps.

Dear so-called-friends - When you came back into my life, I was happy. Then you dropped out just as quickly again. What up wit dat? Did I offend? Anyway, stop coming around if you don't intend to stay. My life is crazy enough without dealing with fair-weather friends.

Dear self - You are losing ground with the weight thing again. Why did you stop paying attention? You are almost back where you started. And you can't afford to buy new clothes this summer. So get back at it, will ya? You may not be able to exercise right now (at least, not much) but you sure as hell can stop eating pretzels and ice-cream! GET A GRIP!

Whew, I feel better :)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Funny

I was bathing my baby kitten, Marbles, when Gameboy approached me with a quizzical look on his face...

"Mom, when I am 18, will you tell me what the F-word means?" (Yes, he means THAT F-word)

Being the honest mom I am, I reply, "I'll tell you right now. It is a really ugly word for when a man and a woman love each other." Ok, breathe, I tell myself, it's a little vague, but still true.

Gameboy looks at me in shock. "That is just the dumbest word ever! Why make up a curse word about something as beautiful as love?" He shakes his head and walks away muttering, "That is just too dumb. Why would people do that?"

I smile to myself and continue bathing Marbles....

Monday, May 4, 2009

Where the Chicks Are

Hi Blog-o-spere!

Ok, I swore I would never let a month pass without blogging, and I am just squeaking in at the last minute. It has been a VERY hectic and hellious few weeks. Here are the highlights:

First, filed a PFA against MFE in the courts. His lawyer called and had me dismiss the PFA and we signed an amendment to our divorce agreement that he has to attend anger management courses, parenting courses, and only gets Gameboy for 1 night a week and the first weekend of every month. That appears to be too much for him as he called me yesterday to say that Gameboy was once again "out of control" and then dropped him off unexpectedly yesterday saying "I need to drop the baby off, he's going to break the car!" Turns out that Gameboy wanted BK and MFE wasn't willing to do that, so Gameboy freaked. Well, shoot. He doesn't do that to me! Ex-MIL was in the car and she got out in the rain and motioned for me to come outside. I wasn't sure what that was about. She made her way to my steps and said she wanted to talk to me, can she call me later? I said yes, but when she did call, I was too busy to talk and didn't have time to call her back last night. Then I started to think - why the heck should she talk to me, and why do I want to hear what she has to say? I don't. She needs to keep her nose out of it. If she hadn't coddled her freaking son all these years and fed into his behavior, he might be a half way decent man. So, no way, Mrs. R. Keep your opinions and your preaching to yourself. This ex-DIL doesn't want to hear it. Besides, if she hadn't found the time in the past 12 months to reach out to me, there is nothing I want to hear her say now.

I also broke my ankle 2 weeks ago. It's an avulsion fracture - where the ligaments pull off the bone and take some bone with it. Ewwww. I am in a boot and waiting for the day where I can "graduate" to a split. I am walking much better now and have high hopes that I'll be back to my version of normal soon.

The kittens are getting huge! All except the littlest one, Marbles. He became ill this past weekend and I had to take him to the emergency vets. Turns out that he is dehydrated and isn't eating well. So, I received a supplement, some antibiotics (in case he has an infection) and some high protein soft food. Mama was't nursing him for some reason, so I tricked her into it. I fed her some softer food herself and while she ate, Marbles nursed. Then this morning, I held mama and while I petted her, Marbles nursed. He got in at least 15 minutes of nursing. I'm going to continue this along with the vets orders until the little guy is strong again. Poor baby. I think I'm going to keep him, too. The others are really healthy and strong, so there should be no problem getting them adopted.

Ok, have to run. Much more to post, but now I don't have the time! Later, gators!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Waiting For A Better Day

The past few weeks have been tumultuous at best. Gameboy went to Florida with his dad and ended up getting abused. Turned my life upside down, let me tell you. I'm filing a PFA today.

I have had to write up a teammate that I really liked - until I discovered that she just wants revenge and doesn't want to fix what is wrong to be a better employee. Sigh. Now I have to watch every step I make and every thing I do as well as everything she does. Sigh.

My saving grace is my family and my sweetie, J. Without their support, I would be having a nervous breakdown right about now.

So, to be honest, I don't feel like blogging much. I'll be back soon when I get back into my happy place.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Why I Love J

So this week, J and I played a practical joke on our Facebook family and friends. We decided that we were going to pretend we eloped. It was pretty elaborate. First, I had to duck my family and friends for at least a week so I wouldn't slip and spill the beans. It was hard! I was never one for keeping secrets really. Still, once I got into the swing of things, it was all smooth sailing. We put vague statuses up on our pages, referencing a certain event that was taking place. But that was it. It was perfect because we have Wednesdays as our "kids free" night during the week, and it turns out that NCC Courthouse only performs weddings on Wednesdays. I gave my best Academy Award winning performance as well. I dressed up, avoided my coworkers, and generally just left little hints in my status - like "Hope I can make it to 3:45" (the fictional time of the wedding), "isn't it Ironic" (cause it was raining....if you know the song, you'll get it), and "got a runner in my stocking - that will never do!". Well most people didn't realize what I was saying in the beginning. We updated our status at 4:30 via our mobile phones - and changed our relationship status to married. I even went so far as to change my name! It was actually great fun, to be honest. To take it even further, I photoshopped our faces onto a pic I found on the Internet on a couple that was married at a courthouse that sort of had a body type like ours. We then took a pic of our hands with "wedding rings". His was a ring I gave him for Valentine's day, mine was my ring when I was pregnant with Gameboy. I uploaded the pics in the morning and then went to work. Sadly, Facebook did not update our statuses right away and didn't change my name until the next day. So we carried the joke into the 2nd. Soon, the congratulations starting pouring in. We were quite enjoying it - when suddenly around 11 a.m. my sister DG posts that she wants to throw a party. We didn't count on her planning a party for us - and didn't want her to go to too much trouble, so we decided to come clean at 3 p.m.

The storm and flurry of email, phone calls, and IMs was a torrent of annoyance, anger and attitude. Well, not really. Some found it fun, some found it mean, and some vowed revenge. But all were finally let in on the joke.

So now to the part where I explain why this adds to my dear love of J. First, he went along with it in great spirit and even with zeal. Second, he helped me to come up with some ideas to make it more believable. Third, we were caught up in the joke together and as sick as it sounds, it made our Wednesday night even MORE romantic. I felt like we were partners....ok, partners in crime, but partners nonetheless. Seriously, he totally played it up with me and that made me realize that not only do we connect on SO many levels, but that our senses of humor are the same. How can one person love another with such zeal, passion, and completeness? He is the Ying to my Yang, my other half, and my comfort in the storm. I can't imagine my life without him. Having him join in on this prank made me realize that we are truly meant for each other.

I love u, J. <3 <3 <3 Infinity!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Feeling Prolific

Wasn't long ago that I couldn't think of a thing to blog about. Now it seems I have TONS of things crossing my mind these days...

J and I want to get married. There, said it. It's my blog and I'll say what I want, when I want. We love each other in a way that I never had before - hell, neither of us have had before. It's a wonderful thing. But let's not forget people, that I am not a kid or a teenager. Neither is J. We are smart about things. Please don't give me any grief over this. Seriously. I have had it up to *here* with people saying negative things about us. Enough.

Gameboy is doing fabulously. In fact, he is doing so well that it doesn't look like he qualifies for an IEP to help him. Sheesh. So if I was some dumb mom who didn't get involved or care about his success he would qualify? One of his karate buddies has been diagnosed AND has an IEP in place within 3 months. And his mom is not so bright. Goes to show ya. I'm proud of my dear boy. He and I have a good working relationship. I just hope it stays that way.

I am discovering new and exciting things - and I am finding that I am a much more powerful being than I ever gave myself credit for. I am also finding that many of the teachings I had as a child are not holding true when tested as an adult. I discovered much repression developed as a result of those teachings. I still believe in a higher power - but will I burn in hell for having sex? Ummm,sorry, no. Don't think so. And while we are on the subject - how sad is it that I am 40 years old and just discovering that sex is a beautiful thing? And how wonderful! I was married 8 years and never felt the way I do now. In fact, most of those married years were more or less being used instead of making love. So here I am in a truly giving and loving relationship and discovering what it is that people would talk about. TMI? Too bad. My blog, my rules :P

Speaking of the wonderful man I love, he comes as a packet deal. His two children will be coming along with him. We had an AWESOME weekend this past weekend. In fact, except for my moodiness two weekends ago, we have had good weekends with them since they were given to J by the courts. T and Gameboy get along really, really well and are even calling each other "buddies". C is doing her best to stay out of their way - and is a typical teenager but she just wants someone to listen to her and show her affection. It's really amazing to see how the kids have fun together. J and I have been having dialogue about how we will treat the kids and make sure we minimize the tensions. And the cool part is, we have open dialogue about the things that we don't agree on. When does that ever happen? Anyway, yesterday there was a brief time when we were able to get somewhere together (LT's baptism) and act as a family unit. It was all good until I lost my cool because of something that C did. It was mainly because I didn't understand why she does things like that. But my older sis put things into perspective for me and made me feel better about things. I am approaching how I deal with her from the wrong angle. I don't need to "deal", I need to understand and accept. So that is what I am working on.

Just a few things I have been thinking about....

Ah-Ha!

Ok, so medically I am feeling WAY better. So that means one of two things:
1. I was the recipient of a modern day miracle performed on me by Florence of Menses, the patron saint of the monthly flow.
2. Hormones are getting back into line after a particularly bad flare up.

So, seeing that I am not all that religious at the moment and don't anticipate that a miracle would be bestowed upon me, I am going with what's behind door number 2. This also means that I can now confidently call the doctor and schedule a time to see her - since I didn't want to be in the throes of menstruation and not be able to get an appointment. Yes, you heard it here first - I AM CALLING A DOCTOR! (cue the parade and the wild cheering)....

I did have an epiphany this weekend. I am VERY close to having a family of 3 children. And no, I am not pregnant with twins. J and I are in serious discussions about our future and what that means for us. It most definitely means that we will be co-habitating in the future. So we have been really making sure we are getting our little ducklings in a row. One hurdle - school for C. She is going to be 15 in June (EEEEEK - a teenager!!!! ) and needs to be in a school that can handle her special needs. She is really a sweet girl, just needs guidance and a role model. She is dead set against any decision J makes, even if it is the best thing for her. Sigh. But that seems to be a hurdle that will be crossed without my assistance, which is good. Still, I am going to have to lighten up A LOT people. I am way too regimented and set in ways to be a proper step mom to a teen aged special needs child. I need advice! Is there a class I can go to that will help? She and I get along well, so I am not worried about that. She just needs extra attention and stuff. My gut instinct isn't always serving me well on that front....

A final Ah-Ha! Moment this weekend - my weight. A life long struggle, folks. As some of us know, there is NOT a magic ingredient to getting or staying in a healthy weight range. What IS magic is how good you feel when you are taking care of yourself. I don't want to concentrate on my weight anymore. I want to concentrate on my health. So, I am doing that. Out with the old, in with the new. The old me, as recent as yesterday, feels crappy when she eats lots of sugar and carbs. That's just how my body is. I pulled out some notes I had last night from my doctor's appointment last June - I had "perfect" blood scores and she and I discussed the lo-carb thing. She advocated me staying lo-carb as I have the metabolism type (her words) of a slug. No lie! She said that. It was in jest, but it was on the mark. I never was very active growing up. She mentioned that I have to push myself into activity to make it a habit. You know what? I never did. So instead of focusing on the food/weight issues, I am going to start with the exercise problems. For instance, I always get cranky when I work out - the doctor said it was because I didn't condition myself properly and was pushing my body too hard, too fast. She wanted me to start with something easy until I dropped a significant amount of weight. Her recommendation - walking with weight training on alternate days. Did I listen then? Ummmmmmmmmmm.....ok, I did a little bit. But didn't really. So I am going to follow her advice one year later :)

Check back for updates, y'all!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Hormonal Upheaval

Dudes, it's soooo hard being a chick. Yes, I said chick, so sue me. I am GeekChick, afterall. Anyway, what's supposed to take only about 7 or so days a month for most women has been taking me 14. First comes the irritability. Then the moodiness and lack of sleep. Then the facial breakouts and bloating. Then more extreme moodiness, crankiness, emotional outbursts, and extreme unrest. Then more bloating and some irrational thoughts. Finally, when I think I am finally cracking and all is lost, comes the bleeding. Whew. Once that starts, everything starts to settle back down to a normal level. For a week. Then, it starts all over again. Or it might disappear for a few weeks and then the cycle starts finally.

This. Is. Not. Normal.

I am smart enough to realize that. What I don't have time for at this point is going to see the doctor and dealing with it. Once again, my avoidance tactics are amazing even to me. It's not that I don't acknowledge that they exist. Even I can see that there is something weird going on here. But I end up making all kinds of excuses - no time, inconvenient appointments, got too much to deal with at home, don't think it will last...you name it. There seems to be no end to the creative reasons that going to the doctor would suck right now. And the worst part? It's because she'll yell at me for gaining the weight back :P No, that isn't realy it. I think the real reason is because I feel that there is nothing she can do anyway. I'm 40. My eggs are old. My uterus is old. I am old (I believe the term is "advanced in age"). What-the-fuck-ever. I am not going to pay $35 for a special visit to the V doctor to be told I am old and just need to suck it up. Hell, I can do that for free! I just ask my friends.....except I think AG might kick my arse a bit....

Along with this recent bout of Raging PMS came an unwelcome unsettled feeling. I was doubting everything - even my sanity. The whole "Insecurity Gate" scandal - YUP! Hormones. No way in freaking heck I should reduce myself to that level of drival and whining. WTF is wrong with me? Seriously. The grip I needed to get was elusive. Thankfully, J is a really patient and sweet boyfriend. He is soooo good at soothing my frazzled nerves and giving me a much clearer picture of things. Wish I could have seen it myself, but dear gawd, could not for the pimples on my nose! Ok, ok, I know. I am sure there is a magic pill that will make all these symptoms go away. Tell me that it will also make me lose 50 pounds and make me pretty and you got yourself a deal!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

When Dreams and Reality Collide

Ok, so I lost 6 pounds this week. Not too shabby. Then suddenly it seemed like it all came unraveled. I can't stand it. What is WRONG with me? Why do I sabotage myself?

Anyway, been having some REALLY strange dreams lately. Like Vince Vaughn trying to steal me away from J - and I don't even LIKE Vince Vaughn. Or like finding a chocolate lab in my bedroom and trying to hide it from the neighbors (don't ask why, I have no idea). Or the one where I am competing in a bathing suit competition (and I'm thin, yay!) but the judges can see my stretch marks and I get horrible comments. Or even better yet, the one where I am in this house and a twister picks me up and drops me.....oh, never mind. That was a movie.

Random thought - Zac Efron. Cute or not? Discuss.

Ok, so back to the dreams. No, I am not drinking before bed. And no, I am not eating before bed. I don't know where they are coming from, really.

The Vince Vaughn one really had me scratching my head. I really don't find this guy all that attractive or funny, so why would I dream of him? Don't know. Never even saw him in a movie that I can remember. What's even funnier is that I totally ignore him in the dream and he sends me flowers and gifts and J and I laugh and keep on going our merry way.

For the dog dream, there is suddenly a new law that you can only have one pet per house. I already have 3 cats in the dream and the dog suddenly appears in my bedroom. I am struggling to keep him in the house during the day and sneaking him out to the yard at night. I have to have all the lights out and the backyard light disconnected. I keep hoping the poor thing doesn't bark or make any noises.

Then, for the swim suit one, I am forced to wear a bikini, though I know that other girls are wearing a full suit. I try to cover my stretch marks with makeup, but it's no use. I still look pretty darn good in my black bikini and matching black stilettos (well, better than I do NOW) but I can hear the judges announcing to the audience each thing they find wrong with the women on the stage. As I walk across, I hear them say, "Tsk, Tsk, it's a shame she has such ugly marks on her stomach and legs" and "She should really just excuse herself from competition"....I leave the stage with a smile, but inside I am dying.

So, what does all this mean? I have no idea. Anyone care to take a stab at these?