Friday, February 27, 2009

Pardon This Interruption

My internets access are acting up. PC won't connect to my router and my laptop took a huge crap and had to be wiped. I am finally connecting, but now I have to get my stuff all loaded up again. Please excuse my absence. I promise to be back as soon as possible!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What Normalcy Gets You

As I alluded to in my previous post, this past weekend was awesome. It was great on so many levels. First, J and I had planned on going to the Natural Science Museum with the kids but we thought that would be a quick trip and then his kids would not want to associate any further with N and I (along with Bug Boy who LOVES J's son, T). We were wrong. They had a blast. It was fun and J and I kept marvelling at how well the trip was going. At the end, they wanted to go back to my house. We were surprised and happy. So we trooped back to the house where we busted out the Wii for some fun with the Wii Fit (that Santa brought and I never opened...but I digress....). Then, C and T wanted to be outside. J went and retrieved C's bike from the apartment and she rode her bike while T rode on N's scooter. I kicked the "twins" out for a bit, but they soon gave up and found their way back in before I could say no. I did a little housework and C came in and followed me around talking and asking questions. I came to realize that at 14, she was bored with the little kids and wanted to do something else. I kicked Bug Boy and N off the Wii again to let her play the Wii fit, which she loved. Every once in awhile I would go outside and sit with J on the steps while he watched his son play. Then C would follow me out. It seems like no matter where I went, she was there. I didn't find this annoying at all. In fact, I found it rather sad. She needs a woman to relate to, and her mom isn't exactly the best role model. I made up my mind to do my best to be her friend and help her through this. I also made up my mind that I would get her some pants and shoes since she refuses to shop with her dad (but then, what 14 year old girl wants to shop with thier dad?). I took C with me to pick up Chinese food for dinner and DG came down with Uncle Bug and Bugaboo in tow. It was a fun dinner and before I knew it, Bug Boy had left, J's kids were asking to stay and N wanted to go to bed. We happily settled the kids for the night and J and I were able to finally spend some quality time together. Just like a normal family....

Sunday morning we went shopping for clothes for C. She is a tough one, and only likes particular things. We were at Kohls but then went to Walmart to get her pants, at her insistence. I still managed to spend quite a bit at Kohls though! LOL

After our shopping extravaganza and a quick stop for lunch, we were back at the house for some more outdoor play. We actually played soccer and then the boys (N, T, and J) played a bit of ball in the backyard while C and I were on the lawn swing. It felt so incredibly....right, normal, perfect.

N was picked up at 5 by his dad, and I had dinner with J and his kids. Then, they insisted on staying another night since they were off on Monday. I was happy to have more time with J, so I agreed. It was tough tip-toeing through the house yesterday morning to leave for work, but it was neat, too. The kids were snoring away and I felt like I could really get used to them being there.

They came again for dinner last night, but since I had a dentist appt and planned on visiting my friend (who was teaching me to knit socks on two circular needles), I couldn't stay and socialize with them much. By the time I got home, the house was empty and still. And I realized I didn't like it that way.....I missed everyone. Can't wait for another weekend like that!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Incredible Normalcy

N and I spent the weekend with J and his kids. It was surprisingly normal and fun. We had plans to spend a few hours together on Saturday and that blossomed into a great weekend. The kids had fun, J and I were happy and enjoying every moment, and we felt like a family in every sense of the word. Don't have time to go into details as I am due into a meeting in a few minutes, but I will lay out the weekend later. All I can say is, Wow! I know it is the honeymoon period and there will be adjustments as we go, but to see his kids actually having a good time was so gratifying to me. It gives me so much hope for our future!

Later, gators.

Friday, February 13, 2009

We Have a Winner!

Case dismissed. And there was much rejoicing! Yay!

Important points that I discovered over the past few days:
I am disgustingly in love with J.
His kids are confused, angry and probably sad.
J is awesome with his kids and they don't even realize it.
Things work out - maybe not right away or obviously, but they do.
I shouldn't drink 3 hard iced teas in one night after not eating dinner.

I need a vacation!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Need a New Tactic

Ok, the attempt to put on my big girl panties isn't doing it for me. My emotions are so raw right now. Last night, J and I attempted to have dinner with his kids. They were ignorant, rude, and downright challenging. And that was to J! To me they were merely rude. Not 100% of the time, but enough. The smallest, T, really doesn't like me at all. He practically pushed me out the door when I left. He called me names, made rude jokes, and generally was just a royal PITA. I was actually offended at first. And this morning I was not happy about the turn of events either. What I realized is that I intruded on their time - even if they treat their dad with disdain, he is still THEIR dad and they made it known that I was not welcome. I don't take it personally anymore. I realize that this is to be expected and decided that it would be best if J and I didn't spend time together in front of them for the time being. It's still so new, them living with him. They don't like it, they let him know, and it bothers the hell out of me.

Then, tonight, the kids were supposed to go to the psychobitch freak's "place" (if you can call a motel room a place to live...I can't). The kids walked over and found her gone. J drove over after work and she was not there. The oldest boy was there and said she was "doing errands". So she forfeited the only night she had with them this week. I was instantly and quite suddenly VERY distraught and put out. I cannot fathom a mother running out on the only night she has her kids. And she has the nerve to say J is "bad" for the kids. WTF???? Not being there when the kids expect you to be is worse then anything J ever did. The problem is, the kids are totally against him, do everything they can to make him crazy, and call him "loser" and other things....all things they heard from this so-called mom.

Here's where I admit the worst part of all of this. I am jealous. I am jealous of the attention that the kids have and don't appreciate. I am freaked out that I cannot see him at all until next week (maybe even not then). I feel so lonely without him. Let's face it, I got sucked in and complacent with having him around for an entire month. Perhaps that was not the best thing to do in hindsight. All I know is my big girl panties (that would be reason and understanding) have fallen off somewhere and it's not helping me to try to reason this out.

Part of me wants to run and say "forget it, the pain of not getting what I want is too much to bear"...damn, that sounds SO immature. I really never expected to feel this attached, this needy when it came to him. Another part of me wants to slap the other part and say "Suck it up, it's only until things work out."

So, here's how the rest of the conversation goes:

Reasonable Me: Look, you knew that this was coming. You can't act like a selfish child now. His kids need him.

UNreasonable Me: Yeah, so? I should be important too. I NEED him. I didn't want to need anyone again. Not like this. WTF did I do?

Reasonable Me: You fell in love, you idiot. Love means you stick around for what comes. You are a grown up and you have your own child. You know what it takes to get things right.

UNreasonable Me: But it hurts not seeing him. It hurts seeing them shit all over him and I can't do anything about it. It hurts to realize that this is going to go on for a very long time.

Reasonable Me: Yes, it will take awhile to work out.

UNreasonable Me: So what does that mean for me? Staying on the sidelines until the freak psychobitch disappears or the kids have a breakthrough in therapy? IF that ever happened it could take years.

Reasonable Me: You don't know what the future will be. You can only take things day by day....

UNreasonable Me: Shut up and leave me alone. I want to wallow in self pity and drink myself to sleep....

Ok, so that's enough of that conversation. I think you can see the struggle I have. I feel schizo. So what now? How do I work through this and not continue to burden J with my demands? How can I get myself to a place where I am ok to not be his main focus? I admit it, I am being stupid and emotional right now. I had a taste of what Buttercup had and I feel like I have to let it go. Temporary or not, it REALLY sucks. Really.

Pity party for one, your table is ready.

Please excuse the totally immature and selfish nature of this entry. The management assures you it is completely alcohol fueled and will not be reflected in future posts...unless the author is again disappointed and frustrated, in which case the management claims no responsibility. Thank you.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Missing You

When J got his kids last week, I was pretty sure that I would be going through a period of "withdraw". I tried to put on my big girl panties and just suck it up. It was hard, but I fell into a routine again somewhat quickly. J and I had a great weekend together, despite some impediments, and when Sunday night came around again I thought I was prepared for his absence. I wasn't. I moped around the house Sunday night and felt generally like I had no ambition or motivation to do anything. Last night was ok, since N was home and he and I bonded once again over our beloved Sci Fi movie and games. It wasn't until N was asleep and the house was quiet again that I was able to call J and hear his voice. He was stressed and my heart broke for him. It's been a long road and it is a little bit longer. The vicious twit of an ex is taking him back to court again for some trumped up and exaggerated charges. She is seriously the dumbest woman on the planet, next to a particular blond singer who doesn't know what tuna fish is. In any case, hearing him stressing on the phone, and me not being able to put my arms around him and comfort him only made it worse. I hung up around 9 p.m. to get to bed and promptly laid down and stared at the ceiling. Sheeesh. I long for the days when J and I can move on with our lives and put this nastiness behind us.

I dreamt of J last night. We were with the kids (all of them, including his oldest that totally disses him now) and we were looking at a house with an addition built on to include 4 bedrooms, since the main house only had one bedroom on the main floor. The house was a traditional salt box with this "wing" jutting off the back of it. It was odd looking, but had a great porch and we decided we would buy it so our entire family could be together. The kids had other ideas. N liked the house, except for the stone floor in the kitchen. He doesn't like the "feel" of it. C hated the house except for what we considered her room - it had a balcony that overlooked the side wooded yard. T loved it, but hated his room, which was on the ground floor across from the master suite, and wanted to be upstairs with C and Lil J. Lil J said nothing. He just sat looking forlorn on the steps. J and I were annoyed by their reaction, but we decided to buy the house anyway, since it was one that we could fit everyone into. The kids started to fight and J and I looked at each other and said, "Well, looks like we are officially on the 'list'."

I woke up at that point, looking for J next to me. He wasn't there. I laughed a little but mostly felt odd about the dream. At least my subconscious is looking forward to the future :)

On a different note, life has been incredibly hectic and stressful these days. Work issues are getting me down, with the possibility of having to terminate someone coming this week. I am really freaking about that. Not sure what we will be doing, but it is making me sick. I really just want it to be over with. The thing is, the employee is borderline making it. I have to find out from the "powers that be" if they want to extend her Performance Plan. I can't stand this stuff, as I mentioned before. As J says, "People fire themselves". This is true, especially in this case. Still, it wears on me.

So on that upbeat note, off to work I go....

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Careful What You Wish For

A year ago, I was in the midst of my divorce. It was contentious at the start, and painful to the max because I had to be in the same house as my ex. I accepted this the best I could and did what I needed to do. At the time, anything was better than being in a loveless marriage that was wrought with strife and anger. I don't have any regrets. But, I still face struggles with my decision. I should have planned better. Now, 10 months after the divorce was final, and 9 months after I moved out, I am facing a crisis. This one is the scariest one for me - financial. I find that although I make good money, I am struggling with my bills. My debt is WAY higher than I would like, and the mortgage payment is almost an entire paycheck. I am not used to this quandary. While married, I had plenty of money. Of course, there were two incomes. And we sort of split things up. But more importantly, when I didn't have money to pay a bill, I had a fall back. Now I don't. And it scares the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of me. Child support does help, but I have to get to the bank and deposit the check for it to be of any REAL assistance in this issue. I promised myself that I would not rely on that support, and it really REALLY R.E.A.L.L.Y. bugs me that I now have to. I am not budgeting properly. I have money coming out of my check for a flexible spending account that I don't think I will meet this year. I am really frightened and have anxiety over it. Careful what you wish for......

J went to court last week, and then again on Monday this week. In the end, the judge ruled that he is to share custody, but be the residential custodian of his daughter, C, and son, T. While this is the best situation that could possibly have happened (the kids living with him in a NORMAL environment), it is a tough transition for everyone. J is facing the daunting prospect of being a single parent with full time responsibility for the kids. Joint custody or no, he is totally alone in this. The ex is not being amenable at all in this decision and will not meet him half way, as is expected of her by the courts. Of course, the judge TOTALLY knew this and that is why she ruled as she did. I am sure it helped that the ex never did show to either court date. In any case, the first night (Monday) the kids were generally happy and well behaved. Not so much last night. The shock of being taken from their mother has much to do with it, I am sure. The other issue is that C had a project due today and the ex never worked it with her. J was left trying to figure out what to do. I suggested he write a note to the teacher explaining the situation to her and asking for an extension. T was upset at doing his homework last night and cried. J is facing many of the same struggles with making sure they are settling as I did when I moved out with N. The only difference is that MY ex and I were on speaking terms and were able to work out issues. J doesn't have that luxury, and that is what makes me sad for him. It's hard to stay in the background as much as I have to and not want to reach out and fix it. I can't anyway, but it's my nature to want to help. Also, I am having a hard time adjusting to being apart from him. I knew it was coming, and I prayed that he would get his kids, and I am genuinely HAPPY he did succeed. I am just a little sad for me. I'm a big girl and I put my big girl panties on, but it still stings a little that I haven't even spoken to him in 2 days. We IM and text daily, but it is not the same. We'll make it through, so I am not crying into my pillow or anything. Just feeling a little lonely.

Work is also causing some havoc on my psyche. The old adage of "it's good to be the king" is really off base. It isn't always good to be in charge. Especially when the people that report to you are not mature and cause chaos in the kingdom. Case in point, one of my "underlings" is on a performance plan and doesn't agree with me that there are still issues at this time. So much so, that this person even went so far as to email their progress directly to the manager and VP that I report to. And didn't copy me. And threatened to the manager to take me to HR for being a bad supervisor. And STILL isn't pulling their own weight. Sigh. Luckily, my manager is in total agreement with my assessment, as well as the VP. All this person is doing is digging their own hole deeper by showing insubordination. Still, it is stressful and angst ridden trying to deal with them daily. I wanted this job, I truly did. I like being able to lead a team to victory. But when one person is throwing wrenches into the works like this, it makes my job that much harder. The goal was to bring this person up to speed and hope that they could continue on in their role, but it is really evident that won't be happening. And I HATE having to deal with that....

So, maybe I should be REALLY careful what I wish for.....what I really wish for right now is a million dollars so I can pay off my debt and take some time off of work. It could happen.....