Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Careful What You Wish For

A year ago, I was in the midst of my divorce. It was contentious at the start, and painful to the max because I had to be in the same house as my ex. I accepted this the best I could and did what I needed to do. At the time, anything was better than being in a loveless marriage that was wrought with strife and anger. I don't have any regrets. But, I still face struggles with my decision. I should have planned better. Now, 10 months after the divorce was final, and 9 months after I moved out, I am facing a crisis. This one is the scariest one for me - financial. I find that although I make good money, I am struggling with my bills. My debt is WAY higher than I would like, and the mortgage payment is almost an entire paycheck. I am not used to this quandary. While married, I had plenty of money. Of course, there were two incomes. And we sort of split things up. But more importantly, when I didn't have money to pay a bill, I had a fall back. Now I don't. And it scares the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of me. Child support does help, but I have to get to the bank and deposit the check for it to be of any REAL assistance in this issue. I promised myself that I would not rely on that support, and it really REALLY R.E.A.L.L.Y. bugs me that I now have to. I am not budgeting properly. I have money coming out of my check for a flexible spending account that I don't think I will meet this year. I am really frightened and have anxiety over it. Careful what you wish for......

J went to court last week, and then again on Monday this week. In the end, the judge ruled that he is to share custody, but be the residential custodian of his daughter, C, and son, T. While this is the best situation that could possibly have happened (the kids living with him in a NORMAL environment), it is a tough transition for everyone. J is facing the daunting prospect of being a single parent with full time responsibility for the kids. Joint custody or no, he is totally alone in this. The ex is not being amenable at all in this decision and will not meet him half way, as is expected of her by the courts. Of course, the judge TOTALLY knew this and that is why she ruled as she did. I am sure it helped that the ex never did show to either court date. In any case, the first night (Monday) the kids were generally happy and well behaved. Not so much last night. The shock of being taken from their mother has much to do with it, I am sure. The other issue is that C had a project due today and the ex never worked it with her. J was left trying to figure out what to do. I suggested he write a note to the teacher explaining the situation to her and asking for an extension. T was upset at doing his homework last night and cried. J is facing many of the same struggles with making sure they are settling as I did when I moved out with N. The only difference is that MY ex and I were on speaking terms and were able to work out issues. J doesn't have that luxury, and that is what makes me sad for him. It's hard to stay in the background as much as I have to and not want to reach out and fix it. I can't anyway, but it's my nature to want to help. Also, I am having a hard time adjusting to being apart from him. I knew it was coming, and I prayed that he would get his kids, and I am genuinely HAPPY he did succeed. I am just a little sad for me. I'm a big girl and I put my big girl panties on, but it still stings a little that I haven't even spoken to him in 2 days. We IM and text daily, but it is not the same. We'll make it through, so I am not crying into my pillow or anything. Just feeling a little lonely.

Work is also causing some havoc on my psyche. The old adage of "it's good to be the king" is really off base. It isn't always good to be in charge. Especially when the people that report to you are not mature and cause chaos in the kingdom. Case in point, one of my "underlings" is on a performance plan and doesn't agree with me that there are still issues at this time. So much so, that this person even went so far as to email their progress directly to the manager and VP that I report to. And didn't copy me. And threatened to the manager to take me to HR for being a bad supervisor. And STILL isn't pulling their own weight. Sigh. Luckily, my manager is in total agreement with my assessment, as well as the VP. All this person is doing is digging their own hole deeper by showing insubordination. Still, it is stressful and angst ridden trying to deal with them daily. I wanted this job, I truly did. I like being able to lead a team to victory. But when one person is throwing wrenches into the works like this, it makes my job that much harder. The goal was to bring this person up to speed and hope that they could continue on in their role, but it is really evident that won't be happening. And I HATE having to deal with that....

So, maybe I should be REALLY careful what I wish for.....what I really wish for right now is a million dollars so I can pay off my debt and take some time off of work. It could happen.....

4 comments:

grandmamargie said...

I feel your pain on the financial situation. I seem to scrimp and save and then something happens out of my control and there it all goes. Usually, it's my son's car. He doesn't make enough to support himself (he does have a good job and works steadily though) and when he car goes off the rocker, I feel it's my responsibility to fix it so he can get to work, pick up his daughter, etc. As far as J and the kids, you remember when you first moved with N that there were issues that took time to resolve. The same with J and his kids. It will work out. Just hang on. You are a very strong person, remember? You made the decision to divorce and then followed through although you had to stay there for a while. That's courageous in my book. Keep smiling.

Jeff said...

Yeah, um... Watching others dig their own hole. Sounds familiar. I miss you, too, babe. <3

CryssyeR said...

Awww, thanks Margie :O)

And thanks, babe. <3

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Hang in there! It gets easier. You will be stronger for it, despite the challenges you may feel.

And much love to J. in his struggle to do what is best for his kids.

And J -- stop by EoTS sometime and comment!!!