Ok, the attempt to put on my big girl panties isn't doing it for me. My emotions are so raw right now. Last night, J and I attempted to have dinner with his kids. They were ignorant, rude, and downright challenging. And that was to J! To me they were merely rude. Not 100% of the time, but enough. The smallest, T, really doesn't like me at all. He practically pushed me out the door when I left. He called me names, made rude jokes, and generally was just a royal PITA. I was actually offended at first. And this morning I was not happy about the turn of events either. What I realized is that I intruded on their time - even if they treat their dad with disdain, he is still THEIR dad and they made it known that I was not welcome. I don't take it personally anymore. I realize that this is to be expected and decided that it would be best if J and I didn't spend time together in front of them for the time being. It's still so new, them living with him. They don't like it, they let him know, and it bothers the hell out of me.
Then, tonight, the kids were supposed to go to the psychobitch freak's "place" (if you can call a motel room a place to live...I can't). The kids walked over and found her gone. J drove over after work and she was not there. The oldest boy was there and said she was "doing errands". So she forfeited the only night she had with them this week. I was instantly and quite suddenly VERY distraught and put out. I cannot fathom a mother running out on the only night she has her kids. And she has the nerve to say J is "bad" for the kids. WTF???? Not being there when the kids expect you to be is worse then anything J ever did. The problem is, the kids are totally against him, do everything they can to make him crazy, and call him "loser" and other things....all things they heard from this so-called mom.
Here's where I admit the worst part of all of this. I am jealous. I am jealous of the attention that the kids have and don't appreciate. I am freaked out that I cannot see him at all until next week (maybe even not then). I feel so lonely without him. Let's face it, I got sucked in and complacent with having him around for an entire month. Perhaps that was not the best thing to do in hindsight. All I know is my big girl panties (that would be reason and understanding) have fallen off somewhere and it's not helping me to try to reason this out.
Part of me wants to run and say "forget it, the pain of not getting what I want is too much to bear"...damn, that sounds SO immature. I really never expected to feel this attached, this needy when it came to him. Another part of me wants to slap the other part and say "Suck it up, it's only until things work out."
So, here's how the rest of the conversation goes:
Reasonable Me: Look, you knew that this was coming. You can't act like a selfish child now. His kids need him.
UNreasonable Me: Yeah, so? I should be important too. I NEED him. I didn't want to need anyone again. Not like this. WTF did I do?
Reasonable Me: You fell in love, you idiot. Love means you stick around for what comes. You are a grown up and you have your own child. You know what it takes to get things right.
UNreasonable Me: But it hurts not seeing him. It hurts seeing them shit all over him and I can't do anything about it. It hurts to realize that this is going to go on for a very long time.
Reasonable Me: Yes, it will take awhile to work out.
UNreasonable Me: So what does that mean for me? Staying on the sidelines until the freak psychobitch disappears or the kids have a breakthrough in therapy? IF that ever happened it could take years.
Reasonable Me: You don't know what the future will be. You can only take things day by day....
UNreasonable Me: Shut up and leave me alone. I want to wallow in self pity and drink myself to sleep....
Ok, so that's enough of that conversation. I think you can see the struggle I have. I feel schizo. So what now? How do I work through this and not continue to burden J with my demands? How can I get myself to a place where I am ok to not be his main focus? I admit it, I am being stupid and emotional right now. I had a taste of what Buttercup had and I feel like I have to let it go. Temporary or not, it REALLY sucks. Really.
Pity party for one, your table is ready.
Please excuse the totally immature and selfish nature of this entry. The management assures you it is completely alcohol fueled and will not be reflected in future posts...unless the author is again disappointed and frustrated, in which case the management claims no responsibility. Thank you.