Monday, March 30, 2009

Feeling Prolific

Wasn't long ago that I couldn't think of a thing to blog about. Now it seems I have TONS of things crossing my mind these days...

J and I want to get married. There, said it. It's my blog and I'll say what I want, when I want. We love each other in a way that I never had before - hell, neither of us have had before. It's a wonderful thing. But let's not forget people, that I am not a kid or a teenager. Neither is J. We are smart about things. Please don't give me any grief over this. Seriously. I have had it up to *here* with people saying negative things about us. Enough.

Gameboy is doing fabulously. In fact, he is doing so well that it doesn't look like he qualifies for an IEP to help him. Sheesh. So if I was some dumb mom who didn't get involved or care about his success he would qualify? One of his karate buddies has been diagnosed AND has an IEP in place within 3 months. And his mom is not so bright. Goes to show ya. I'm proud of my dear boy. He and I have a good working relationship. I just hope it stays that way.

I am discovering new and exciting things - and I am finding that I am a much more powerful being than I ever gave myself credit for. I am also finding that many of the teachings I had as a child are not holding true when tested as an adult. I discovered much repression developed as a result of those teachings. I still believe in a higher power - but will I burn in hell for having sex? Ummm,sorry, no. Don't think so. And while we are on the subject - how sad is it that I am 40 years old and just discovering that sex is a beautiful thing? And how wonderful! I was married 8 years and never felt the way I do now. In fact, most of those married years were more or less being used instead of making love. So here I am in a truly giving and loving relationship and discovering what it is that people would talk about. TMI? Too bad. My blog, my rules :P

Speaking of the wonderful man I love, he comes as a packet deal. His two children will be coming along with him. We had an AWESOME weekend this past weekend. In fact, except for my moodiness two weekends ago, we have had good weekends with them since they were given to J by the courts. T and Gameboy get along really, really well and are even calling each other "buddies". C is doing her best to stay out of their way - and is a typical teenager but she just wants someone to listen to her and show her affection. It's really amazing to see how the kids have fun together. J and I have been having dialogue about how we will treat the kids and make sure we minimize the tensions. And the cool part is, we have open dialogue about the things that we don't agree on. When does that ever happen? Anyway, yesterday there was a brief time when we were able to get somewhere together (LT's baptism) and act as a family unit. It was all good until I lost my cool because of something that C did. It was mainly because I didn't understand why she does things like that. But my older sis put things into perspective for me and made me feel better about things. I am approaching how I deal with her from the wrong angle. I don't need to "deal", I need to understand and accept. So that is what I am working on.

Just a few things I have been thinking about....

Ah-Ha!

Ok, so medically I am feeling WAY better. So that means one of two things:
1. I was the recipient of a modern day miracle performed on me by Florence of Menses, the patron saint of the monthly flow.
2. Hormones are getting back into line after a particularly bad flare up.

So, seeing that I am not all that religious at the moment and don't anticipate that a miracle would be bestowed upon me, I am going with what's behind door number 2. This also means that I can now confidently call the doctor and schedule a time to see her - since I didn't want to be in the throes of menstruation and not be able to get an appointment. Yes, you heard it here first - I AM CALLING A DOCTOR! (cue the parade and the wild cheering)....

I did have an epiphany this weekend. I am VERY close to having a family of 3 children. And no, I am not pregnant with twins. J and I are in serious discussions about our future and what that means for us. It most definitely means that we will be co-habitating in the future. So we have been really making sure we are getting our little ducklings in a row. One hurdle - school for C. She is going to be 15 in June (EEEEEK - a teenager!!!! ) and needs to be in a school that can handle her special needs. She is really a sweet girl, just needs guidance and a role model. She is dead set against any decision J makes, even if it is the best thing for her. Sigh. But that seems to be a hurdle that will be crossed without my assistance, which is good. Still, I am going to have to lighten up A LOT people. I am way too regimented and set in ways to be a proper step mom to a teen aged special needs child. I need advice! Is there a class I can go to that will help? She and I get along well, so I am not worried about that. She just needs extra attention and stuff. My gut instinct isn't always serving me well on that front....

A final Ah-Ha! Moment this weekend - my weight. A life long struggle, folks. As some of us know, there is NOT a magic ingredient to getting or staying in a healthy weight range. What IS magic is how good you feel when you are taking care of yourself. I don't want to concentrate on my weight anymore. I want to concentrate on my health. So, I am doing that. Out with the old, in with the new. The old me, as recent as yesterday, feels crappy when she eats lots of sugar and carbs. That's just how my body is. I pulled out some notes I had last night from my doctor's appointment last June - I had "perfect" blood scores and she and I discussed the lo-carb thing. She advocated me staying lo-carb as I have the metabolism type (her words) of a slug. No lie! She said that. It was in jest, but it was on the mark. I never was very active growing up. She mentioned that I have to push myself into activity to make it a habit. You know what? I never did. So instead of focusing on the food/weight issues, I am going to start with the exercise problems. For instance, I always get cranky when I work out - the doctor said it was because I didn't condition myself properly and was pushing my body too hard, too fast. She wanted me to start with something easy until I dropped a significant amount of weight. Her recommendation - walking with weight training on alternate days. Did I listen then? Ummmmmmmmmmm.....ok, I did a little bit. But didn't really. So I am going to follow her advice one year later :)

Check back for updates, y'all!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Hormonal Upheaval

Dudes, it's soooo hard being a chick. Yes, I said chick, so sue me. I am GeekChick, afterall. Anyway, what's supposed to take only about 7 or so days a month for most women has been taking me 14. First comes the irritability. Then the moodiness and lack of sleep. Then the facial breakouts and bloating. Then more extreme moodiness, crankiness, emotional outbursts, and extreme unrest. Then more bloating and some irrational thoughts. Finally, when I think I am finally cracking and all is lost, comes the bleeding. Whew. Once that starts, everything starts to settle back down to a normal level. For a week. Then, it starts all over again. Or it might disappear for a few weeks and then the cycle starts finally.

This. Is. Not. Normal.

I am smart enough to realize that. What I don't have time for at this point is going to see the doctor and dealing with it. Once again, my avoidance tactics are amazing even to me. It's not that I don't acknowledge that they exist. Even I can see that there is something weird going on here. But I end up making all kinds of excuses - no time, inconvenient appointments, got too much to deal with at home, don't think it will last...you name it. There seems to be no end to the creative reasons that going to the doctor would suck right now. And the worst part? It's because she'll yell at me for gaining the weight back :P No, that isn't realy it. I think the real reason is because I feel that there is nothing she can do anyway. I'm 40. My eggs are old. My uterus is old. I am old (I believe the term is "advanced in age"). What-the-fuck-ever. I am not going to pay $35 for a special visit to the V doctor to be told I am old and just need to suck it up. Hell, I can do that for free! I just ask my friends.....except I think AG might kick my arse a bit....

Along with this recent bout of Raging PMS came an unwelcome unsettled feeling. I was doubting everything - even my sanity. The whole "Insecurity Gate" scandal - YUP! Hormones. No way in freaking heck I should reduce myself to that level of drival and whining. WTF is wrong with me? Seriously. The grip I needed to get was elusive. Thankfully, J is a really patient and sweet boyfriend. He is soooo good at soothing my frazzled nerves and giving me a much clearer picture of things. Wish I could have seen it myself, but dear gawd, could not for the pimples on my nose! Ok, ok, I know. I am sure there is a magic pill that will make all these symptoms go away. Tell me that it will also make me lose 50 pounds and make me pretty and you got yourself a deal!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

When Dreams and Reality Collide

Ok, so I lost 6 pounds this week. Not too shabby. Then suddenly it seemed like it all came unraveled. I can't stand it. What is WRONG with me? Why do I sabotage myself?

Anyway, been having some REALLY strange dreams lately. Like Vince Vaughn trying to steal me away from J - and I don't even LIKE Vince Vaughn. Or like finding a chocolate lab in my bedroom and trying to hide it from the neighbors (don't ask why, I have no idea). Or the one where I am competing in a bathing suit competition (and I'm thin, yay!) but the judges can see my stretch marks and I get horrible comments. Or even better yet, the one where I am in this house and a twister picks me up and drops me.....oh, never mind. That was a movie.

Random thought - Zac Efron. Cute or not? Discuss.

Ok, so back to the dreams. No, I am not drinking before bed. And no, I am not eating before bed. I don't know where they are coming from, really.

The Vince Vaughn one really had me scratching my head. I really don't find this guy all that attractive or funny, so why would I dream of him? Don't know. Never even saw him in a movie that I can remember. What's even funnier is that I totally ignore him in the dream and he sends me flowers and gifts and J and I laugh and keep on going our merry way.

For the dog dream, there is suddenly a new law that you can only have one pet per house. I already have 3 cats in the dream and the dog suddenly appears in my bedroom. I am struggling to keep him in the house during the day and sneaking him out to the yard at night. I have to have all the lights out and the backyard light disconnected. I keep hoping the poor thing doesn't bark or make any noises.

Then, for the swim suit one, I am forced to wear a bikini, though I know that other girls are wearing a full suit. I try to cover my stretch marks with makeup, but it's no use. I still look pretty darn good in my black bikini and matching black stilettos (well, better than I do NOW) but I can hear the judges announcing to the audience each thing they find wrong with the women on the stage. As I walk across, I hear them say, "Tsk, Tsk, it's a shame she has such ugly marks on her stomach and legs" and "She should really just excuse herself from competition"....I leave the stage with a smile, but inside I am dying.

So, what does all this mean? I have no idea. Anyone care to take a stab at these?

Friday, March 20, 2009

Are You Kidding Me?

Several things have gotten my goat these past couple of days and I need to vent:

1. There was a refresh done to one of our development databases - without our knowledge. They updated the tables and overwrote about a week's worth of work for my team. We are now scrambling to recover and still meet our deadlines. Not happening. We have a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. Not one of the teams involved in this fiasco apologized for screwing us up....

2. Received a voicemail from the PT department at the hospital where GameBoy was supposed to be evaluated. Turns out my insurance won't allow him to have the eval done there - they are not part of the coverage? Don't get that! The hospital is part of the coverage for ER, OR, and other services. This sucks.

3. MFE - 'nuff said.

4. I have been faithfully following Atkins again for a week - and only lost 3 pounds. Sigh. What in the world? I am not sure why....

5. Aunt Flo still ain't here. The crazy beeotch is delaying her grand entrance. Unfortunately, she sent Uncle Cramps and Cousins Bloat and Blemish ahead of her.

6. Received a past due bill in the mail - from the county. Turns out that I need to pay my sewer charges. Home ownership is fun! Funny, I don't remember getting the first bill....

That's the highlights. But it's Friday and it's a kid-free weekend. Besides finishing my taxes, and going out tonight and Saturday night, not much else planned. I hope I can sleep in tomorrow :)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Pity Party of One, Your Table Is Ready

Don't stop here and read if you don't like to indulge my narcissistic needs to comfort myself. Feeling like I am "on the fringes" again. I get this feeling when people stop seeking out my company.....

But I liked my makeup today and decided - screw it! I'll look good even if I feel unwanted.



Take that - people who pretend I matter and then forget I exist! One of these days I won't care. Wish it were today....

Monday, March 16, 2009

Insecurity

Ok, so I posted a bit about insecurity last week. I may have delved into the mystery of where these insecurities come from before, but I don't remember and I'm too lazy to go back and search my old posts. So if you've heard it before, just bear with me - or go and surf YouTube for some funny videos of Ninja Cats...

So, I was really emotional this weekend (thank the hormones and my ever-so-quirky way of ignoring my own health issues until it is too late...) and dear J got the brunt of it. He's a doll, thankfully. And he helped ease my mind that the insecurities were not going to drive him away. Still, I have to get a grip before I unravel my own sanity. The kids were good, they get along well. I just felt this overwhelming pressure to be "mom". J pointed out that they have a mom, and don't need another one. They just need some additional guidance. What that did was just give me permission to stop being an idiot and just relax and enjoy the time with them. The Teenager was moody, too, due to being a teenager, and the Boys were getting along. Yet, I was on edge most of the weekend anyway. I was cranky and easily prone to self-doubt. J tried really hard to just be supportive, and for that I am eternally grateful. I did warn him that this could be a monthly issue for us, but I also plan on calling my doctor and getting on something that may help with the mood changes and feeling of helplessness during this time.

Again, hormones have TONS to do with this - but not all of it is hormones. I have to own up and take some responsibility for over-thinking lots of things. My job is to analyze issues and to come up with solutions. It's something that I often carry over into my personal life. I get really frustrated when I can't seem to figure things out or if they seem out of my control. So, I thought if I blogged about them, I could at least get them out in the open for me to deal with one at a time.

Insecurity #1: Looks
I was never the pretty girl in the family. I look too much like my dad and his side of the family. I try to just deal with the hand I have, but it is really hard. I have always struggled with my weight - and I am back on plan to lose more weight (I even worked out last night - w00t!). But if I am honest with myself as I try to be, losing the weight won't change the fact that my looks are lacking. I have ALWAYS wanted to be pretty, and have gone to great lengths to feel that way. Makeup, hair, clothes - all are a part of my arsenal of "prettiness". But I still end up looking like a troll. Why? Because you can't turn a turnip into a rose. Sounds harsh, but it is true. For awhile after my divorce, I just said - "Screw it! I am what I am and I need to be happy with me".....and you know what? I was. Really and truly. So what changed? Well, the "post divorce" afterglow has faded and in set some doubts and concerns. The insecurity here goes WAY back to my childhood - being made fun of and singled out for my red hair and my weight in grade school was psychologically traumatic for me. Now that I'm an adult I can see that a good deal of that was just kids being mean, but it laid a foundation of self-doubt that continues to this day. I must admit, I can often just keep pushing the doubt away. Just when my emotions are rioting do I feel vulnerable to them and it brings me down again. When I am at a bar (like I was recently) and a pretty girl walks by, I instantly feel inferior. When a hot body chick walks by, I feel wretched. I have been going up and down this roller coaster of feeling jealous of them and how easily they seem to have it and alternately hoping that J doesn't notice them (and of course, being a man, he does). I often wonder if life would be much different if I was gifted with looks and a hot bod. Oh, and to all those out there that say "get your hot bod", it's not that simple, m'kay? Believe me, if I had $20K to throw away I would have the stomach surgery and the botox/lifts/etc. necessary to look like that. And, it's not like I haven't been trying for YEARS to do exactly that. I always fail. I just think it would be easier to start with the bod and maintain it then it is not to have it at all and try to get it.....

Insecurity #2: Being a bad mom
Ok, so we know that ADHD is not the end of the world, but it still makes for a challenge in parenting. There are many things that I am still learning and discovering. And forget MFE - he's a lost cause. He isn't the type to help himself, so therefore he won't be helped. As for me, I recently took stock of the growing library of ADHD books in my house and realized that they all pretty much say the same thing. The real problem is, I don't always remember all this great advice when I am angered by GameBoy's tantrums(how's that for a new name for N?). Anyway, I don't want my son growing up thinking that his mom is a crackpot or that no one understands and loves him. The real issue with this insecurity is that there is no way to tell if it is happening until much later down the road. But still, I go with my gut most of the time. If he cries, I hug him. If he laughs, I hug him. If he gets antsy, I yell at him then I hug him. We'll see if it is working... in about 10 years...

Insecurity #3: My Weight
Ok, you may reason that this issue is really just like #1 on my list above. Not so! Although my looks are tied into the weight thing, I was mostly talking about outward appearances in that note. In #1 I was referring to looking good - and I have seen some beautiful overweight women. In this issue, I am pointing out that try as I might, I am not able to get a handle on this most base issue. After YEARS of dieting and such, I discovered there is no secret ingredient, no cure-all. It's all about eating right and exercise. That's it. End of story. I do believe that there are different formulas for each body type out there and each person has to find their own "magic" method. This is linked to my insecurity in a way that I realized only recently - you can't stop eating or you die. So how hard is it to overcome an eating issue and lose weight? It's nearly impossible. I hate that I can't control it most of the time, too. My feeling that I am not good enough because I am heavy again goes back to the years of torture in grade school. I had a couple of years there where I really didn't have any friends. And if I did, it was totally superficial. So that led to trust issues, which led to self-medication (eating in this case) which led to lowered self-esteem and problems other than that, and so on, and so on, and so on....
In any case, I was getting ok with that even but then I came face to face with it recently and it really made me think. So here I am, back on the merry-go-round of trying to get rid of it for good and trying to come to terms with the fact that it seems like it will haunt me forever....

Does anyone have a Valium?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sick and Tired

Dudes! GC is soooooo sick today. I was really sick on Tuesday night - up until all hours puking. Yeah, I know, you didn't need to know that. But it's important to have the back story. I took off yesterday to rest and slept pretty much all day. MFE offered to pick N up and take him to school so I wouldn't have to leave the house. While this was a nice thing to do (and of course I let him do it) I knew it was just a guilt thing. On top of that, I was totally drained from the weekend. It was a grand time with little sleep. Still, I didn't expect to have the upending that I had. How's that for a pun?

I started to feel MUCH better around 1. I was a little weak and dizzy but I got up, chatted with J online and got some toast. Then I showered (after which I felt really good) and picked up N. I took my time to prepare him for his overnight with MFE. What I found out when I picked N up from school was his behavior was not all that great this week. I immediately knew it was because of his rough weekend with his dad. How's the kid supposed to cope well when his dad tells him that he doesn't want to see him anymore because he is misbehaving - and MFE didn't give him his meds? I hate that man with a passion sometimes. Most of the time it is just general distaste. Anyway, I lavished praise and love on my boy to try to compensate. He really is a great kid, just needs extra coaching at times. Anyway, I made sure lots of hugs and kisses were given as I packed his bags. I laid on the couch for a few minutes, and then got N dinner and made sure his homework was done. All normal. He was fine for me.

MFE picked him up at 5:40 and I found that J was running behind. Wednesdays are our night together, and in the past we have had only a couple of precious hours before he had to leave and pick up his kids from his crazy ex. However, he made a new deal that they get to stay overnight with her on Wednesdays, much like N does with MFE. This gave us the whole night together. And it was heaven! No rushing, lots of together time and being in love. I was feeling just fine. In fact, better than fine, I was feeling great.

Then I awoke this morning - was ok until after my shower. I started to feel sick again. Nausea and ever-so-tired. A little dizzy, but not much. The drive in was a blur. And here I sit at work, feeling like I could fall asleep any minute and waves of nausea. What the heck? Perhaps I should have given myself another day off, but it couldn't be done. Too much going on to miss another day.

Hopefully I can make it through. Time will tell....

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Me Thinks Thou Dost Protest Overmuch

Hello blog world. I know, it's been awhile. I did finally get my PC running with the network at home (freakin' Verizon software sucks!) and was able to reinstall some things. Have lots more to do. My laptop is dead, Jim. So, I ordered a new one with the advice of a friend at work who knows what is good in "outlet" prices. It should arrive forthwith.

However, I was up WAY too late last night (till 1 a.m.) doing stuff and answering some email. J came over to pick up some stuff that he left from the weekend and it was nice to have 30 minutes of alone time with him on a day that I would not normally see him. He rocks!

Anyway, I discovered last night that I am truly, madly, and deeply in love with this man. So much so that the thought of his past GFs and dalliances are really getting to me. Those of you who know me well and those of you who have read my blog for awhile know that I didn't have the best self-esteem for all my life. In fact, it wasn't until I stood up for myself and divorced the abusive ex that I felt good about anything I did or was.

I feel awesome when I am with J. He professes his love daily, and I believe in it. He is romantic, sweet, kind, gentle, and still manly. He fills my heart and dreams. I want to be EVERYTHING to him, and there in lies the rub. In his past he has seen some gorgeous women. WTF does he see in me, I think...mind you, I know he loves me and that our souls have a connection and bond that can never be broken. It's just that my self-esteem issues never really went away and they resurface from time to time. Not when I am with him, though. Just when we are apart. Weird?

Part of this issue I am facing is the fact that I gained nearly 30 pounds since we started dating. I felt better about myself back then. I was starting to look and feel really good. I have always had problems with my weight, so when I discovered that my skinny jeans don't fit anymore, I was distraught. I am doing something about it now, but I know the road I face and I know that I have to kick it into high gear to see the results I want.

The thing is, I want to feel that sexy and "fine" as I did then. This has NOTHING to do with J or his past GFs. It is all about me and my feelings of inadequacy. I am facing the danger zone where if I profess my insecurities too much, I will end up pushing J away. I need to get a grip now! Knowing that he chooses me helps a lot. Knowing that I am the woman he wants to be with and is connected to will help me get over this rut.

Need to put on my big girl panties again! And this time, leave them on.....

Monday, March 9, 2009

Temporarily Unavailable

Due to the recent crash of my laptop - and the inability of my desktop to obtain an IP address, I am currently without internet connectivity at home...again! I am going to be getting a new laptop, but in the meantime, I will be unable to get back to posting here as I had hoped.

Since I am at work, I can't post much at this time. But I had a tremendous weekend. J and I went out with my brother on Friday and Saturday nights and had a blast! I have to say, it's nice to cut loose every two weeks or so and just be a bit wild and crazy. Helps us to deal with the daily crap that happens...

Like....

MFE called me on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday to tell me he hates me (wasn't that sweet) because I don't pack clothes for N that fit, that N doesn't listen, and that pretty soon he is going to stop seeing him. Nice, huh? Right in front of his son. Fabulous. When he complained about the clothes, I said "well, they fit at my house" he told me to shove the clothes up my a$$. I hung up.

Then on Sunday, he called to say he didn't want to keep N anymore and when could he drop him off? I said, not today! When I asked what was wrong, he complained again that N wouldn't listen, it was all my fault, that N was going to bankrupt him. I commented that it was his own fault - he set a precedence for always buying stuff for him and therefore what did he expect? He said N needed a whipping. I told him the first time he beat N would be the last time he ever saw him. What was he going to do with him for a whole week? (Oh, MFE is taking N to Florida for spring break...but that could change now). I asked where the GF was since she was usually able to keep the peace, but she was there and N was in rare form. I talked to N and told him to mind his dad (thought I wanted to say to him that his dad was a POS, but I didn't) and then I found that he had not gotten his medicine. WHAT???? I got MFE on the phone and let him have it. He's the f-ing parent, he needs to be one. Stop letting a 7 year old run the show and he'll mind better. I calmed down enough to say that the ADHD is the problem, not discipline. After a bit - and I am not sure of the timeline as I was so tired - MFE said N was staying because he agreed to mind. That really ticked me off. I went off again about how MFE can't be messing with the kids mind like this, and that his time with his kid can't be something that he uses as a tool to discipline. He needs to learn to deal with N's condition the same as I did. I left it with me saying that I was dropping a book off for him to read that will help him understand ADHD better and how to cope with N's struggles. All this "drama" was in front of the GF, too. I am now taking bets to see how long she lasts. I give it a few more months....

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Back from cyber death

My PC is restored, but is STILL not connecting to the internet. Sigh. And have had no time to get the Verizon people on it. My laptop is working, but again, have had not time to post. It's crazy people!

Ok, so what's happened? Great weekend in Annapolis with J, then a crazy week, then a great weekend at home with J and the kids, then 2 snow days. That about sums it up... oh and J and I had dinner last night. I am liking this. I see him every weekend and every Wednesday. Just wish I could see him every day....

Other than that, and having seen the neurologist (who now says that N needs further testing and OT/PT therapies), things are quiet. Yeah, right. Who am I kidding?