Monday, March 16, 2009

Insecurity

Ok, so I posted a bit about insecurity last week. I may have delved into the mystery of where these insecurities come from before, but I don't remember and I'm too lazy to go back and search my old posts. So if you've heard it before, just bear with me - or go and surf YouTube for some funny videos of Ninja Cats...

So, I was really emotional this weekend (thank the hormones and my ever-so-quirky way of ignoring my own health issues until it is too late...) and dear J got the brunt of it. He's a doll, thankfully. And he helped ease my mind that the insecurities were not going to drive him away. Still, I have to get a grip before I unravel my own sanity. The kids were good, they get along well. I just felt this overwhelming pressure to be "mom". J pointed out that they have a mom, and don't need another one. They just need some additional guidance. What that did was just give me permission to stop being an idiot and just relax and enjoy the time with them. The Teenager was moody, too, due to being a teenager, and the Boys were getting along. Yet, I was on edge most of the weekend anyway. I was cranky and easily prone to self-doubt. J tried really hard to just be supportive, and for that I am eternally grateful. I did warn him that this could be a monthly issue for us, but I also plan on calling my doctor and getting on something that may help with the mood changes and feeling of helplessness during this time.

Again, hormones have TONS to do with this - but not all of it is hormones. I have to own up and take some responsibility for over-thinking lots of things. My job is to analyze issues and to come up with solutions. It's something that I often carry over into my personal life. I get really frustrated when I can't seem to figure things out or if they seem out of my control. So, I thought if I blogged about them, I could at least get them out in the open for me to deal with one at a time.

Insecurity #1: Looks
I was never the pretty girl in the family. I look too much like my dad and his side of the family. I try to just deal with the hand I have, but it is really hard. I have always struggled with my weight - and I am back on plan to lose more weight (I even worked out last night - w00t!). But if I am honest with myself as I try to be, losing the weight won't change the fact that my looks are lacking. I have ALWAYS wanted to be pretty, and have gone to great lengths to feel that way. Makeup, hair, clothes - all are a part of my arsenal of "prettiness". But I still end up looking like a troll. Why? Because you can't turn a turnip into a rose. Sounds harsh, but it is true. For awhile after my divorce, I just said - "Screw it! I am what I am and I need to be happy with me".....and you know what? I was. Really and truly. So what changed? Well, the "post divorce" afterglow has faded and in set some doubts and concerns. The insecurity here goes WAY back to my childhood - being made fun of and singled out for my red hair and my weight in grade school was psychologically traumatic for me. Now that I'm an adult I can see that a good deal of that was just kids being mean, but it laid a foundation of self-doubt that continues to this day. I must admit, I can often just keep pushing the doubt away. Just when my emotions are rioting do I feel vulnerable to them and it brings me down again. When I am at a bar (like I was recently) and a pretty girl walks by, I instantly feel inferior. When a hot body chick walks by, I feel wretched. I have been going up and down this roller coaster of feeling jealous of them and how easily they seem to have it and alternately hoping that J doesn't notice them (and of course, being a man, he does). I often wonder if life would be much different if I was gifted with looks and a hot bod. Oh, and to all those out there that say "get your hot bod", it's not that simple, m'kay? Believe me, if I had $20K to throw away I would have the stomach surgery and the botox/lifts/etc. necessary to look like that. And, it's not like I haven't been trying for YEARS to do exactly that. I always fail. I just think it would be easier to start with the bod and maintain it then it is not to have it at all and try to get it.....

Insecurity #2: Being a bad mom
Ok, so we know that ADHD is not the end of the world, but it still makes for a challenge in parenting. There are many things that I am still learning and discovering. And forget MFE - he's a lost cause. He isn't the type to help himself, so therefore he won't be helped. As for me, I recently took stock of the growing library of ADHD books in my house and realized that they all pretty much say the same thing. The real problem is, I don't always remember all this great advice when I am angered by GameBoy's tantrums(how's that for a new name for N?). Anyway, I don't want my son growing up thinking that his mom is a crackpot or that no one understands and loves him. The real issue with this insecurity is that there is no way to tell if it is happening until much later down the road. But still, I go with my gut most of the time. If he cries, I hug him. If he laughs, I hug him. If he gets antsy, I yell at him then I hug him. We'll see if it is working... in about 10 years...

Insecurity #3: My Weight
Ok, you may reason that this issue is really just like #1 on my list above. Not so! Although my looks are tied into the weight thing, I was mostly talking about outward appearances in that note. In #1 I was referring to looking good - and I have seen some beautiful overweight women. In this issue, I am pointing out that try as I might, I am not able to get a handle on this most base issue. After YEARS of dieting and such, I discovered there is no secret ingredient, no cure-all. It's all about eating right and exercise. That's it. End of story. I do believe that there are different formulas for each body type out there and each person has to find their own "magic" method. This is linked to my insecurity in a way that I realized only recently - you can't stop eating or you die. So how hard is it to overcome an eating issue and lose weight? It's nearly impossible. I hate that I can't control it most of the time, too. My feeling that I am not good enough because I am heavy again goes back to the years of torture in grade school. I had a couple of years there where I really didn't have any friends. And if I did, it was totally superficial. So that led to trust issues, which led to self-medication (eating in this case) which led to lowered self-esteem and problems other than that, and so on, and so on, and so on....
In any case, I was getting ok with that even but then I came face to face with it recently and it really made me think. So here I am, back on the merry-go-round of trying to get rid of it for good and trying to come to terms with the fact that it seems like it will haunt me forever....

Does anyone have a Valium?

1 comment:

Adorable Girlfriend said...

What a great post! It feels good to read something that must have helped you sort out some ideas.

Keep working with it. You'll find your way.

I am really proud of you. This kind of posts are really inspiring to all of us.