Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Me Thinks Thou Dost Protest Overmuch

Hello blog world. I know, it's been awhile. I did finally get my PC running with the network at home (freakin' Verizon software sucks!) and was able to reinstall some things. Have lots more to do. My laptop is dead, Jim. So, I ordered a new one with the advice of a friend at work who knows what is good in "outlet" prices. It should arrive forthwith.

However, I was up WAY too late last night (till 1 a.m.) doing stuff and answering some email. J came over to pick up some stuff that he left from the weekend and it was nice to have 30 minutes of alone time with him on a day that I would not normally see him. He rocks!

Anyway, I discovered last night that I am truly, madly, and deeply in love with this man. So much so that the thought of his past GFs and dalliances are really getting to me. Those of you who know me well and those of you who have read my blog for awhile know that I didn't have the best self-esteem for all my life. In fact, it wasn't until I stood up for myself and divorced the abusive ex that I felt good about anything I did or was.

I feel awesome when I am with J. He professes his love daily, and I believe in it. He is romantic, sweet, kind, gentle, and still manly. He fills my heart and dreams. I want to be EVERYTHING to him, and there in lies the rub. In his past he has seen some gorgeous women. WTF does he see in me, I think...mind you, I know he loves me and that our souls have a connection and bond that can never be broken. It's just that my self-esteem issues never really went away and they resurface from time to time. Not when I am with him, though. Just when we are apart. Weird?

Part of this issue I am facing is the fact that I gained nearly 30 pounds since we started dating. I felt better about myself back then. I was starting to look and feel really good. I have always had problems with my weight, so when I discovered that my skinny jeans don't fit anymore, I was distraught. I am doing something about it now, but I know the road I face and I know that I have to kick it into high gear to see the results I want.

The thing is, I want to feel that sexy and "fine" as I did then. This has NOTHING to do with J or his past GFs. It is all about me and my feelings of inadequacy. I am facing the danger zone where if I profess my insecurities too much, I will end up pushing J away. I need to get a grip now! Knowing that he chooses me helps a lot. Knowing that I am the woman he wants to be with and is connected to will help me get over this rut.

Need to put on my big girl panties again! And this time, leave them on.....


Jeff said...

Hey, you listen up now... It's going to take a lot more than professing a few insecurities to push me away at this point. A LOT.

grandmamargie said...

You can do it. You've come a long way and just because you slipped a little bit doesn't mean you aren't the same person you were when you met J. You just got somewhat complacent and probably all those good meals you've shared with him didn't help. So, as you said, pull up your big girl panties and concentrate on you for a while.

Domestic Goddess said...

If he survived meeting this family, he'll survive insecurities. The past is the past.