I have finally found my happy place. It is a warm, comforting, and strong place. Whenever I am there, I am at peace. Relaxed. Loved. It is a wonderful place to be, within the arms of the man I love. He is wonderful too, and going through a rough time. You see, he has issues with his children that wear at him. He wants so much to give them a great life but they defy him at every turn. He is a good dad and has done so much to help them reach for a better quality of living. They just crap all over him. Why is it that they would rather live in the unknown future of their mother's care? Just because she is the mother, that's why. It's painful and sad to watch. J tries so hard and they just keep crapping all over him. Well, enough. How can a man keep his sanity with this going on? I'm amazed he lasted as long as he did. I want this to be a good time for him. He has not had many good times and he deserves them after all he has been through. I hope that in some small way, I help him to find his own happy place.
I also have finally realized that I can't fix everything. I want to, yes. But I can't. Case in point: MFE and his issues with Gameboy. This past weekend, MFE dropped GB off early because he was throwing a temper tantrum (actually, they both were). Since then, MFE has not had two words to say to me. I finally reached out in email this morning asking him for his plan for counseling (since our agreement stated he had to have 4 months of counseling - and he had to give me the therapists name and information). To my knowledge, he has not yet had an appointment. It's been three weeks. I suggested a resource for him, offered to modify the visitation further to minimize the possibility of another tantrum occurance, and made some suggestions on setting limits for GB and what to do if those limits were breached. Do you know how hard it was to swallow my pride and reach out like that? I would much rather tell MFE to f-off and just leave us be. But I know that is not reality, and it would just hurt GB in the long run. So, I put on my big chick panties and did what I thought was the responsible thing. You know what sucks? Being the only grown up in this situation. Sigh.
Finally, an open letter to those that are bugging the daylights out of me:
Dear Mrs. Ex-MIL - No, I won't call you back. You have no business in my business so stay out.
Dear Son - No, you are not "bad" or "an f-ing brat" or "a pain in the ass" as you may have heard your so-called-father say to you. I die a little every time I think those words are hurting you. You are a glorious creation, a miracle, a bit of heaven sent to me to take care of. And I will be damned for all eternity if I will let a whiney self-obsessed freak of a man tear you down. You are my joy in life. Always remember that.
Dear MFE - Grow up. See aforementioned testament to my protection of my son. Do it again, and you will go to jail. End of story.
Darling J - At the risk of being cheesy and corny, you are the light in the darkness. Your own darkness may become overwhelming, but don't let it get you down. We will overcome. Together we will hold strong. Remember - we found each other against the odds. And the odds will probably keep stacking against us for a time. But we will pervail against them! Hold on to me, and I will hold on to you. Kitchen counter, baby!
Dearest sister - You don't read my blog (I don't think), but stop calling me to come to meetings to learn how to sell stuff that I can't sell. I am done. I am a wimp though - I haven't told you yet to your face. Life is just too darn hectic for me and I don't have the time for this "career". I'll have to tell you soon, though. I need to make my office a bedroom for visiting kids.
Dear neighbors - Yes, the car in my drive is going to stay there. Stop staring and whispering behind your hands. I can't say that I like it much, either, but it's my driveway. You can clearly see I am in a boot, and hobbling around. When I have the strength, I'll clear out the garage and put the offensive automobile away. Until then, suck it up peeps.
Dear so-called-friends - When you came back into my life, I was happy. Then you dropped out just as quickly again. What up wit dat? Did I offend? Anyway, stop coming around if you don't intend to stay. My life is crazy enough without dealing with fair-weather friends.
Dear self - You are losing ground with the weight thing again. Why did you stop paying attention? You are almost back where you started. And you can't afford to buy new clothes this summer. So get back at it, will ya? You may not be able to exercise right now (at least, not much) but you sure as hell can stop eating pretzels and ice-cream! GET A GRIP!
Whew, I feel better :)