Monday, June 22, 2009

Blocked No More

This weekend, I received the "document" that MFE was supposed to give me a month ago. It shows he only attended 2 sessions of "therapy". That somehow tapped a nerve deep within me and gave me a surge of energy and rage. I cleaned, forced J to help me rip up a carpet and lay down a new one, rearranged furniture, and even did some laundry! I was on a mission. It seems that righteous anger has done much for me these days....and it even spurred me to write this:

_________________________________________

To MFE,
Thank you for the documentation that you delivered to me on June 21st to show that you enrolled in an anger management program. I see from the dates, however, that you have not attended since May 19th, and in fact, only attended 2 sessions. As we discussed this last week, I wanted to follow up and determine what your intent may be. I reviewed the agreement we signed on April 22nd against this information and I agree that (1) the agreement does not specify any specific number of sessions; (2) any court will likely view the "4 months" language to mean at least 8 sessions. Based on this information, I wanted to determine if you intended to return to the agreed upon therapy, or if you plan to adhere to the assumption that you are not bound to attend any specific number of sessions. My actions will further be determined by your response and your willingness to work with me to complete the agreement that was made between us and filed with the courts.

Also, I wanted to inform you that I will be filing a modified visitation agreement with the court to make official the current schedule of 3 hours per week with no overnight visits, as per Gameboy’s therapist’s direction. We will continue with this modified visitation and once Gameboy’s therapist suggests a new schedule, I will file that with the court as well. I wish to avoid any miscommunication about this issue, as I am sure you would agree.

Further, I am finding that the struggle to get Gameboy to comply with your visitation is becoming more and more anxiety ridden for him. He becomes angry and morose when I attempt to have him dress for your visit. I asked him why and he expressed that he did not want to see you. I will no longer be forcing him to visit with you if he expresses anxiety about it. I feel that it is not in Gameboy’s best interests to extend the stress and anxiety that he displays. If this is the case on his visitation night of Wednesday or Thursday, I will give you notice that we should try another night.

Please reply in email what your intentions are surrounding the therapy. I am hoping to resolve this issue quickly and without legal intervention.

_____________________________________

How's that for creative juices flowing? Yup, I'm BACK!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Bored?

Well, not really. I'm in that "so-stressed-out-I-can't-function" mode. I have found that I can rouse my butt to get to work, do what is necessary to make it through the day, go and get Gameboy and run him to his events, then get home and...

CRASH

Nothing

Nada

My brain is on hyper drive so much daily that by the time I walk into my domestic haven called a domicile, I am ready for mind-numbing nothingness.

It's been like this for at least 2 weeks. I am sure the overcast skies and continual rain don't help. I am also sure that Aunt Flo is late by at least the same 2 weeks. Coincidence? I think NOT. Still, it's really hard for me to focus on getting laundry done or doing the really difficult task of making a reasonable dinner. And don't tell me it's depression. It ain't. I know it is caused by the stress of MFE being a buttwad, my team at work turning against me and acting like I am SUDDENLY the worst supervisor ever (even though they were singing my praises just a short month or so ago), and Gameboy having such major anxiety and anger issues that he requires therapy. Seriously, I am at my wit's end. I am not sleeping well, either. I toss and turn and wake up several times a night with my mind racing faster than the Zephyr. And you wonder why I turn to the Captain from time to time? LOL If it weren't for J and his rock-solidness, I would crumble into a heap of babbling and drooling self pity.

So, I am not really bored. What I am is out of diversions to give me a break. Knitting isn't doing it for me (GASP! The HORROR!), TV is controlled by Gameboy, can't shop because I have no money, and it's freaking raining like we live in Seattle or something so I can't get out and DO something. In return, I have taken to spending mindless hours on the internets. Nothing of excitement, just trolling around looking for something that puts my brain into it's happy place. So far, haven't found it.....

Luckily, J comes home and I am suddenly into more *ahem* interesting diversions...

Speaking of which - it's probably saying too much (and if you aren't into TMI, you may want to stop reading here), but I'm gonna say it because that's just how I roll....the *ahem* is AMAZING! I can't help but want to shout it to the world because in my long 40 years, I have never been so happy with *ahem* or my own sexuality. J makes me feel so special and so loved. That opened the inner pron star in me :) I know, I know, but I did warn you. If you are still reading, then just know that I can't understand how people can go weeks, months, even YEARS, without *ahem*. They need to find the perfect person to unleash the freak within. Growing up I was taught (thank Stoic Catholicism for that) that *ahem* is bad, evil, or at least goes unspoken. Why? What is the purpose? *Ahem* between two committed adults in a loving and giving relationship is the most beautiful thing. Maybe that's what I discovered about myself with J - there is so much love there that I have become somewhat addicted to him and his ability to make me feel like I am beautiful, special, the only other person on earth. Truly a unique and gifted man :) So thanks J - if not for you, I would be sitting in a white padded room banging my head on the floor while rambling on and on about nothing in particular...

Monday, June 15, 2009

Distress

Like I need more drama in my life. So I was following up with MFE on the form that he was supposed to provide when he started his anger management therapy. I asked him for it again on Wednesday, only to find out that he was no longer attending. So he is in violation of our agreement that we signed stating that he would attend 4 months worth of sessions. Right. On top of that, he doesn't have the form. I threatened again to take him to court, and I called his lawyer. Per his lawyer, there is no required number of sessions to attend. I disagreed since the agreement clearly stated he attend 4 months worth of sessions. Even if he did one every month, that would satisfy the agreement. MFE did 3 in 90 days and stopped. I realized as the lawyer was talking that I was rooked, and now I am pissed. MFE states he has no time for therapy. He's too busy. He has too much going on. I reminded him that Gameboy's therapist will not see them together until he has completed a significant number of sessions. He didn't care. I then stated that it was on him to make this work. I am DONE trying to make him into a father. They are both scum and should burn in hell for being so blase about my son's future relationship with his dad.

I have been pondering this long and hard all weekend (which I made longer by taking Friday off due to the mounting tensions at work and the stress I have been under). I have come to the determination that I am DONE, DONE, REALLY DONE with MFE. I am not going to file anything against him. If he doesn't want a relationship with his son, so be it. If he hurts him again, I will file the PFA and not discuss a damn thing with his lawyer. Let him defend the snake in court. Let him weasel his way out of it if he can.

What I am going to do is continue to inform MFE of what Gameboy is doing. I will also continue to relate the counselor's recommendations to MFE through email. I will not talk to him by phone. I will not talk to him at all. When he wants Gameboy, I will make sure he gives me 24 hours notice or he doesn't get him. I have yet to hear of any vacation plans (the agreement states he has to give it to me in writing by the end of April or he doesn't have him when he wants him). So I am guessing he isn't taking him. Which is actually a good thing. At this point, the therapist doesn't want Gameboy to go with his dad overnight. In fact, he is limited to 3 hours at a time once a week. Sigh. I don't know how long this will last, but it is very upsetting. I will be speaking to Gameboy's counselor tomorrow night and I'll find out from her what is best for my boy.

One strongly worded letter to MFE to follow....

Saturday, June 6, 2009

7 Pounds

No, not the tear-jerking depressing Wil Smith movie - this number represents a week's worth of returning to the folds of the low-carb way of eating. I FINALLY realized that my gain in girth was not good (ha! how's that for alliteration?)and kicked myself into gear. It didn't hurt that we have a "Loser's Club" bet going at work where I could stand to win $320! Yeah, money motivates me, what of it?

Any way, I have lost 7 pounds this week, and it feels good. That without exercising really, because my ankle is still unable to handle walking for extended periods of time. But, what I was able to see is that my stomach area has shrunk. I will be taking measurements to track my progress with that too. I feel really good about it. And I brought out the arm weights at work so I can do some stuff while on break or conference calls. Gonna do it...I am trying to get into a certain white dress in a year or so....

Friday, June 5, 2009

WTF, Revisited

Ok, must still be battling hormones, because in an instant today, my full on freakout mode returned. I had another lovely post planned, but decided to ditch it when I received an email from GB's teacher. She "noticed" that GB is not wearing the regulation uniform and stated that for the final week of school they are required to be properly dressed. I immediately felt my chest constrict, my breathing shallow, and small veins popping on the side of my head. WTF she "noticed"??? I sent in a note to her 2 weeks ago that he had suddenly outgrown his uniforms and I was looking for replacement pieces. I found a couple of shorts at Target, but they were all out of his size and style. I found a pair of pants. I hemmed them. The freaking problem is that I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY and I have to now buy him uniform pants/shorts that cost FARGING TOO MUCH. Seriously, the shorts from the uniform company are $22!!!! Walmart has a similar pair for $12. Target has them for $10 (but they aren't available for another 6-8 weeks). So what am I supposed to do, sell my freaking blood to buy the shorts??? I ended up ordering a pair from Walmart just for next week. I overnighted them. They came to $18 after shipping was applied. I'm ok with this, because if I ordered them from the FARGING uniform company, they would cost $35 with shipping.

So, the reason I am freaking - I realized recently that I am in debt up to my eyeballs and beyond...and there is no way out. I am NEVER going to dig out of this hole. And it sucks, y'all. I had wanted desperately to believe that once I was divorced, that it would all work out for the better. Well, it sort of did, but not financially. My credit is in the toilet since I am still showing as responsbile on the exes house, as well as various loans he took out in both our names. Not to mention the fact that when I divorced, I nearly doubled my credit card debt because I needed things instantly and didn't have the money for them.

I can hear the lectures coming now. Seriously, keep them to yourself. I had to do what I had to do at the time. The thing is, I realized that I screwed up and now I have only the one credit card, which I WILL NOT USE. It needs to be paid off and that's all there is to it.

So here I sit. Feeling like EVERYONE and their brother is trying to bleed me dry. And now this teacher gets on her high and mighty horse and lectures me on having the proper attire for the FARGING last week of school? WTF? Give me a break, lady. I'm doing the best I can.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

For Once, I'm NOT Speechless

So, lots going on, and to be completely frank, I have not had the energy or desire to post a blog entry. Why? Ummmm.... Lazy and lack of subject matter. Ok, that's a lie. Tons of stuff is happening, but I don't possess the fortitude of wit to make it entertaining for y'all. So, I will just roll it out as...

GeekChick's Top Ten Reasons She Is Not Blogging
well, that's an odd title, because this IS a blog entry...but I digress...

10. Pure exhaustion has overtaken me and I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed.
9. Doods, hormones!
8. I am running all over the greater Northern Delaware area on a daily basis for therapy appointments, karate, cat stuff, and baseball.
7. Somewhere, somebody is sleeping and I am deeply jealous.
6. I have to pack up all my MK stuff and ship it back to the company.
5. I get lost on the internets when I log in to check my FB page.
4. There's enough laundry to make DG's pile look like a foothill.
3. My ankle is still messed up and I am forced to rest it at least for an hour a day.
2. Gameboy is quite demanding of my time these days and my energy level is waning.

And the number one reason I am not blogging.....

1. J moved in and I am still getting accustomed to having him there every night!

Ok, so J moving in is a good thing, right? Of course it is. But I am finding that I would much rather sit with him on the couch than do aforementioned laundry, or dishes, or clean, or vacuum, or...you get the picture. Not only that, but there is TONS of clearing out to do by next weekend when we were planning on moving his extra furniture into the garage. I will HAVE to hold a yard sale for some of the furniture items (cause I have TONS of yard sale stuff piled up in my garage anyway and I want to make some money from it). Add to that fact the need to clear out the office, I still have SIX freaking cats in my house, and I have tons of paperwork to clear up for the summer camp, and you have one cranky GeekChick on your hands....or on J's hands...poor J.....

In other news:

Gameboy has friends again in the neighborhood! It's great to have them come and play with him. He needs the social time so badly. He even had a play date with a school friend this past weekend. That's progress!

My mom is in the hospital and I am....resigned. That's probably not what you expected to hear from me considering, but it is the best word to describe how I feel. I think I have finally come to the understanding that she is mentally ill (yeah, slow learner, that's me....) and have to accept her as she is. I miss my mom. She is having a glut of testing done, but is improving. The diagnosis is leaning toward a stroke. We'll know more as the tests come out. Still, it really scared me when I realized that she was so badly off - and that I may miss that opportunity to reconcile myself with her illness. So, no time like the present.

I had a major freak out this past weekend as well. It highlighted my hormonal issues and the fact that I had not dealt with them at all. I had promised to call the doc many moons ago. Well, I finally did it. I made an appointment...for July! But, I asked to be put onto a cancellation list. At this point, I will drop all to deal with this mess. I know it is hormone related because it only happens the week before Aunt Flo arrives and it magically clears up right before the cramps set in. Coincidence? I think not! Anyway, because J is now living with me, and since my freak out started Friday, he was subjected to the worst of it through the weekend. I have to say, though, he handled it like a champ (didn't call me a psycho even once!) and tried his damnedest to be comforting and consoling. You girls know when you are in that "MOOD" you don't want to be touched or comforted, but I have to give him props. He really did all he could to show he cared. Once the tempest abated, I was able to have an intelligent conversation with him again and explain. Still, feeling that crazed is really not a good feeling at all....

I still have SIX freaking cats in my house! I need help.