Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Gearing Up

Ever since the hubby went to the "Gentleman's Club" for his bachelor party, I have been obsessing on stripper music. Why? Well, for one, I have a fascination with the women that can do that kind of thing for a living. First, they have to be in incredible shape to be able to work the pole (and I mean that literally, not figuratively) and pull themselves up in the air. Second, they have no problem walking around near naked. We all know that GeekChick CANNOT do this due to her weight, and that kinda makes me wonder how a woman can feel so comfortable with herself that she is not afraid to show off all that skin. I mean, really! In the bedroom is one thing. But in front of all those guys leering at them? Not so much. But they clearly have no issue with it. I'm just so intrigued. Some may call them "ho's" or "trash", but it takes a real special ego to prance around near-nekkid like that and not feel all self-conscious and stuff. How do they not compare themselves to each other and feel they may be lacking? I know I would at this point. Third, the music is something that I can groove to. I like all kinds of music, but the kind that strippers use is a bit more provocative. It actually titillates me. Call me a freak (as others have done), but I am turned on by strippers. Not the thought of them crawling all over my hubby, mind you, but I am actually over that now.

Really.

Now I am even more motivated to get into shape. Not for J, not for others, but for me, so that I can feel comfortable and free in my skin the way these women are. I doubt I'll ever be able to walk around in killer heels (broken ankle and tendon damage, don't cha know). Nor will I be able to swing up in the air on a pole holding my weight with nothing but my arms. But what I CAN do is get myself to a healthy range so I can feel good about it. And wear cute clothes. And not look at other women as a threat.

Anyway, I found a plethora of info on the web for what music women use for pole dancing and stripping. Itunes actually has "essential" play lists dedicated to this music. And, I was able to get quite a bit of it. And, here's the coolest - they have stripping videos for EXERCISE! How about that? Learn to be sensual and get in shape at the same time. Too cool! I must have led a really sheltered life to now know about this stuff.

So watch out world! GeekChick is on a mission, and we all know a woman with a mission is a force to be reckoned with!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Things To Do

Week 1 of married life has passed and all I can say is, it's SO much better than the first time around. J and I are so sympatico that we can finish each other's sentences and even think the same exact things from time to time. We had an awesome weekend, treating it like a mini-honeymoon, and it was really wonderful. Didn't even mind having to pick up Gameboy a bit early (he was happy to be home, too).

This weekend, J and I decided that we needed to do a few things around the house as well. We are changing the family room over to a "man cave" of sorts. We moved the home computer into that room, and the video games. We are slowly putting up bar signs and bar stuff to make it feel like a real cave. Eventually, we'll even put on a real door :)

Gameboy decided that he wanted the smaller bedroom, instead of the nice, large bedroom he had. It seems that he is easily scared at night, and the smaller room offers more of a "cozy" feeling to him (his words!). So, we cleaned out more stuff and moved his mattress and boxspring in there. Slowly we will move over his dressers and clothes. It gives me the opportunity to weed out clothes and toys that no longer are in use. And it's also making me realize that my son has some "issues" that point more and more to Asperger's Syndrome and not so much to ADHD.

Speaking of which, his teacher is clueless as to how to handle ADHD. We had a parent/teacher conference and the praise settled on how Gameboy is a sweet kid and very loving, but is hard to keep on task and is highly distractable. You don't say? Seriously, I had to offer her some suggestions! It was weird to say the least. As a long time teacher, I had hope she encountered kids like this before and had something to offer. Nope. Also, it turns out that Gameboy doesn't play with ANYONE at school. This makes me incredibly sad. How do I get him to make friends with them? He had 2 friends but when I questioned him last night, he said they annoy him and he stopped playing with them. I am at a loss. Play dates didn't seem to work. He refuses to go. Then there's going to karate - he wants to quit. I will not allow my son to become a recluse, so I am forcing him to keep going. It's really frustrating.

Back to the house stuff - we are going to turn Gameboy's room into the true play room and craft room. That way, we can close the door on the toys/mess! LOL Only half kidding on that one. We want a guest room, and it's a big enough room to have a bed and the air hockey table and a few things so it should be good. I'll be working on that a little every night, gutting the room and putting it back together. I also have to move the stuff in the smaller room out to make way for the rest of Gameboy's furniture. It should work out great, and he is so happy with his new room, he slept in it all night! It was quite nice to see he is comfortable with this change. Also, since his old room was bigger, it was also usually colder. So it's a win all around.

I have been hoping to start a new knitting project, but I haven't been able to get to it with all the wedding stuff and now the house flop. I will hopefully start a new shawl for my vintage dress sometime this month. We'll see. The month is almost out!

Have a great one!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Fugly Stepsister; A Modern Fairy Tale, Version 2

A little time ago, in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a fugly stepsister. Her sisters never mocked her for her fugliness, but she felt in her heart that they pitied her. Her only solace from her self-loathing was in her fiber arts. With only two needles and some wool, she was able to spin lovely adornments that were highly sought after by many in the kingdom.

She watched as her sisters each went onto an amazing journey, returning with a radiant glow about them. They found inner happiness and were able to smile and laugh, sing and dance. The fugly stepsister could not understand what it was that they had discovered. She became secretly bitter and angry. Her heart longed for the key to the song that the sisters sang. She foolishly believed that the song orginated from their respective princes. So she found someone that she could pretend was a prince to see if that unlocked the song. It did not. In fact, it made the fugly stepsister even more angry and bitter. Her very soul started to shrivel. Then, the most wonderful miracle happened. The fugly stepsister gave birth to the most gorgeous of babies. The Handsome Son was the toast of the fake prince's family and for a time, the fugly stepsister felt that they were actually accepting her. But, as the Handsome Son grew, it was more and more obvious that her in-laws were not really "family". They tolerated her, nothing more. This hurt the fugly stepsister and she began to look harder at the sham of a marriage she had created. She also realized that she had not even yet discovered the wonderful song. In a burst of self-realization, the fugly stepsister decided to be true to what she felt was the honest course of action. The resulting chaos was difficult and painful. She prayed often that it would end and that she would be spared the agony of watching those she loved suffer from her choices. She retreated back into her shell, not allowing even those closest to her to know the true desire in her heart - to sing the song. If she could find the melody, she knew she would sing it forever. But she was afraid. What if she never finds the song? What if she fails, yet again, to understand the true nature of it's origin? What if she found the song, but realized that she couldn't sing it?

One day, the fugly stepsister decided that she no longer wanted to live in the shadow of her own fear and anger. She decided to set off on her own wonderful adventure...

She encountered lots of Ogres in her search for a real prince. She suffered bouts of loneliness, fear, anger, and heartbreak. But she decided that she needed to push through the pain. Her heart didn't sing, but it wasn't dead, either. It was not such a burden as she had thought - getting through the walls she had built up around herself. She started slow, letting one person in at a time. Lo and behold, the Stepsister found herself with many more friends, and much more confidence. Slowly, she began to hear music. A very faint tune that she could not place.

One day, the Stepsister was befriended by a man, who appeared to be a pauper. Poor as poor can be, he had a light within him that would permeate the darkness around him. He needed some help in recognizing his light, so she would give him guidance and friendship. Slowly, he began to see the beauty he offered. Their friendship grew.

Then in the fall, on a carriage ride through the orchard, the stepsister discovered that her heart was singing and that the song was the same that came from the man. She was astounded to hear the song playing in her ears, in her eyes, and in her soul. She could not stop the music anymore than she could stop from breathing. It was loud, sweet, and enveloped her in a warmth and peace she had never known. The song was so melodic, it made her cry. His song was so strong, she drowned in it's sweetness.

And finally, she realized, that her pauper was really a prince. A prince with such wealth and fortune that she was unable to quantify it. Finally, she had found the song to her happiness. And in the discovery, found that she truly was beautiful after all.

Wedding is Looming

4 days to the wedding, y'all!

Yes, you read that right. 4 days!

Not that I'm really excited or anything :) Ok, maybe a little....ok, A LOT.

Anyway, I was looking back on some older posts that I had written and found this one about J and I in the beginning....

"I know I said it before, but putting this in "Mr. Baseball" terms, this relationship has come out of left field. J has added so much to my life and I have to say, I am so grateful he did not run screaming the other direction when met the first time. Normally, a guy would never meet me unless I was fully made up and had on my best skinny jeans. Not so on our first meeting, I was in my bum clothes, no make up, and my hair was all wild and curly. Not that it would have mattered. We were just friends, after all. I told him everything - even about Mr. HKwho? and the guys I was meeting online. He knew about my crazy ex (he has one too) and about the struggles I faced getting my divorce. As we compared notes we discovered that we had "parallel lives". So many things we went through in our lives were similar. I relied on him for his perspective into the insanity when it hit me, and I tried to offer the same steady viewpoint when his life was nutty.
I can't pinpoint why it changed when it did. All I know is, I knew the moment it happened. I felt it. It was a real, tangible shift in my perspective. Like a moment when you are coming out of a dark tunnel.
J makes me feel special. He helps me get back up when I am down. He allows me to be me, and doesn't make me feel inferior (aside from losing at baseball, but I digress...). I am so lucky to have met him and that he decided to take a risk and supercede our friendship to ask me out on a date. It's still very new for us. We are taking it slow. But with the friendship as our groundwork, I feel closer to him than I have ever felt to any man in my life before. Ok,now I probably scared him off :) But I have to be honest. Actually, he knows all this. I am just trying to put into words how amazing it is that this clicked at all. It's true, when you least expect it, you get it.
Ok, enough of that. I am feeling really warm and fuzzy today. I think I'll go hug a tree - when it stops raining, that is...."

That was only a year ago. And here I sit and ponder how life's little twists and turns lead us to the road we were meant to be on. I wish everyone could feel loved as I feel loved, feel the wonderful connection that goes with it. I think the world would be a much better place.

To J - I love you. Those three words that I uttered to you 356 days ago by accident have become prophetic. I cherish my life with you, and I am so honored to be your wife.

Friday, October 9, 2009

What Would YOU Do?

I posted a couple of days ago about the bachelor party and how it really got to me. I wanted to deal and just get over it already, but I was having a really, really, really tough time. Still have a hard time, but I had a big melt down last night and poor J had to bring me down from the edge. He did a pretty good job of it, and I felt TONS better after our dialogue. I asked him to tell me everything, and I trust now that I know exactly what happened. Although some people would say not knowing is probably better, I would totally disagree. To me, knowing the truth is the easiest way to get over it. I lived with lies and deceipt before and I learned from it. Even if the truth hurts, it is better to deal with it at that moment and move on...

So I got the truth last night. And boy, did it hurt! Think about this ladies - your man is in a strip club with a mostly naked woman grinding on top of him and pushing her well-formed teats in his face. How would you feel?

I can't imagine you would feel good about this. In fact, I defy anyone to tell me that they have NO visceral reaction to this thought. Even a tiny pang of jealousy? Even a bit of a "Hands off, bitch. That's MY man!" reaction? Anyway, I'm interested to know what would go through your mind. Not because it would change how I feel, but maybe give me a bit more insight into my (over)reaction and it's consequences.

Here is what I am struggling with in this scenario:
1. My ego is hurting. My self esteem is at an all time low after this scenario. I have always felt deficient because of my weight, and I try to do something about it, and it never works for me. To have to know that these chicks with their perfect bodies were getting it on with my guy is the biggest kick in my gut you can imagine.

2. My space has been invaded. My sexual relationship with J is the most incredible that I have ever experienced. Never had a lover like him. And now I had to "share" him with two women that are using their bodies for the sole purpose of getting a guy hot and bothered (and possibly getting him off)...my personal territory has been defiled. They TOUCHED him, and by nature of their performance on him, he was touching them. Ouch.

3. I can't compete with them. All my life, I have lived in the shadow of the "pretty" ones, the "hot bodies", the "desirable ones". I have always been lacking, and mostly invisible to men. They, on the other hand, have what every guy wants and more. What's a non-hottie to do? It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to eat anymore. I am my own worst enemy and I know it. Still, even if I lost all the weight I want to, I would NEVER be like them - beautiful, hot, sexy. I fooled myself all these years into believing that I would if I lost the weight. Nope. Maybe with plastic surgery, and someone else's face. It's really a hard thing being the ugly duckling in the family, folks. I've tried to hide it over the years, but that's what it comes down to. Which is why I try make up for it in personality.

4. He enjoyed it. Here's where it is the hardest for me to swallow all this - seriously. I would have to be stupid to think that any man wouldn't enjoy a hot body crawling all over him (paid for or not), and I am not stupid. I am also not as naive as I used to be - having seen for my self what a lap dance is all about. But to know that he was enjoying another woman arousing him sets me over the edge. And makes me feel threatened and jealous....And I feel bad about feeling bad. 'Cause I don't want to J to feel guilty or bad - this was his bachelor party, after all. And I know he feels bad because he's faced with my reaction to all this...which is a circular issue because then I feel worse because I made him feel bad...and so on, and so on, and so on...

So, it's been a real internal battle. And only 9 days to our wedding. I need to resolve this for myself asap so I can move on and just let things wash over me. I know in my heart that J didn't intend to hurt me, that he never imagined I would react this way, and that he didn't go to "get off". In fact, I had to give him some background info because he couldn't have been aware of my lifelong struggle with feeling inferior. So in many ways, this was an eye opening experience for him. But not one that I really wanted him to have.

God, this really sucks.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

10 Days and Counting

I’m getting married in 10 days.

Yup, 10 days.

OMG!!!!!!

Ok, deep breath. There, that feels better. I am just about ready. Have a few things that need to be done before the big day. At least most of what I wanted done is complete. The only thing I don’t have done is figuring out how to decorate the backstop behind home plate. Or even if I should. Hmmmmmm.

Another thing to work on is trying to integrate Gameboy into the ceremony. This is his wedding too, in a sense. We want to make something special happen, but we are not sure what or how that will work. The officiate is very open to ideas. Just have to get something figured out.

Sorry for the choppy update – VERY busy! Hope all is well in your world. Check back as we get closer to see me freak some more….

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What She Discovered Recently

Howdy y'all! I'm on the countdown to the wedding - t minus 12 days - and I am having quite the time of it.

See, J's bachelor party (hosted by my brother, btw) was Saturday and I have to admit to a bit of a meltdown. Ok, more than a bit. I freaked. I freaked before he went because I didn't know what my brother was planning and I imagined all kinds of deplorable behavior. And I hate being kept in the dark. What bugged me most was that I was kept in the dark despite the fact that J knew what was being planned for my bachelorette. I felt like I should have known about his then. Not so, according to my brother. So I stewed, completely in the dark and thinking the worst.

When Friday came, I was morose, depressed, and really angry. I wasn't blaming J, but I secretly wanted him to stand up to my brother and tell him that I should know something. I totally trust J and didn't believe he was going out to get laid or anything. I knew that he wouldn't go to any extreme that would jeapordize our relationship if it ever came to light. But I still had all these fears and anxieties about the whole thing. Why did he need to go out and ogle other women, nekkid ones at that? That just didn't seem right.

Then a friend of mine at work put it this way - "Did you ever go to the mall and look at dresses and shoes you were never going to buy?" (For me, it's more like purses, but yes, I see the point). So this was similar to guys going out and "looking" and not buying. Well, ok. That's a bit more palatable. Still, it really got into my brain and wouldn't let go. The thought of some nekkid woman crawling all over my man makes me ill.

Then my friend (who is a guy) says to me, "You know this is your self-esteem acting this way."

Ummm, yeah. My self-esteem is still not where I would like it to be. In the past year, I put on 50 pounds and I am really down about it. I'm just not feeling like I am at my best. And then comes a party where my fiance is being taken to a strip club where dozens of nekkid perfect bodies (yes, I know some of them are plastic) are prancing around and rubbing him with their butts and breasts. Not an ideal situation in my brain. So here we are 3 days later and I am still dwelling on the thoughts of my man being aroused by these women and getting all hot and bothered by them. I can't seem to shake the idea that there is something I am lacking for him to go and find that enticing. I am dogged by the constant notion that I am just not pretty or sexy enough. And I am scared. Scared that after finding the perfect one, if I don't fulfil his every desire, he might look elsewhere (like my ex did).

Pre-wedding jitters? Maybe. All I know is that I am getting married and need some confidence in myself right now - and thinking about my fiance in another woman's arms is throwing me over the edge....

Oh, and I haven't been to a mall to "look at other dresses and shoes" in years. Just sayin'.