Howdy y'all! I'm on the countdown to the wedding - t minus 12 days - and I am having quite the time of it.
See, J's bachelor party (hosted by my brother, btw) was Saturday and I have to admit to a bit of a meltdown. Ok, more than a bit. I freaked. I freaked before he went because I didn't know what my brother was planning and I imagined all kinds of deplorable behavior. And I hate being kept in the dark. What bugged me most was that I was kept in the dark despite the fact that J knew what was being planned for my bachelorette. I felt like I should have known about his then. Not so, according to my brother. So I stewed, completely in the dark and thinking the worst.
When Friday came, I was morose, depressed, and really angry. I wasn't blaming J, but I secretly wanted him to stand up to my brother and tell him that I should know something. I totally trust J and didn't believe he was going out to get laid or anything. I knew that he wouldn't go to any extreme that would jeapordize our relationship if it ever came to light. But I still had all these fears and anxieties about the whole thing. Why did he need to go out and ogle other women, nekkid ones at that? That just didn't seem right.
Then a friend of mine at work put it this way - "Did you ever go to the mall and look at dresses and shoes you were never going to buy?" (For me, it's more like purses, but yes, I see the point). So this was similar to guys going out and "looking" and not buying. Well, ok. That's a bit more palatable. Still, it really got into my brain and wouldn't let go. The thought of some nekkid woman crawling all over my man makes me ill.
Then my friend (who is a guy) says to me, "You know this is your self-esteem acting this way."
Ummm, yeah. My self-esteem is still not where I would like it to be. In the past year, I put on 50 pounds and I am really down about it. I'm just not feeling like I am at my best. And then comes a party where my fiance is being taken to a strip club where dozens of nekkid perfect bodies (yes, I know some of them are plastic) are prancing around and rubbing him with their butts and breasts. Not an ideal situation in my brain. So here we are 3 days later and I am still dwelling on the thoughts of my man being aroused by these women and getting all hot and bothered by them. I can't seem to shake the idea that there is something I am lacking for him to go and find that enticing. I am dogged by the constant notion that I am just not pretty or sexy enough. And I am scared. Scared that after finding the perfect one, if I don't fulfil his every desire, he might look elsewhere (like my ex did).
Pre-wedding jitters? Maybe. All I know is that I am getting married and need some confidence in myself right now - and thinking about my fiance in another woman's arms is throwing me over the edge....
Oh, and I haven't been to a mall to "look at other dresses and shoes" in years. Just sayin'.