I posted a couple of days ago about the bachelor party and how it really got to me. I wanted to deal and just get over it already, but I was having a really, really, really tough time. Still have a hard time, but I had a big melt down last night and poor J had to bring me down from the edge. He did a pretty good job of it, and I felt TONS better after our dialogue. I asked him to tell me everything, and I trust now that I know exactly what happened. Although some people would say not knowing is probably better, I would totally disagree. To me, knowing the truth is the easiest way to get over it. I lived with lies and deceipt before and I learned from it. Even if the truth hurts, it is better to deal with it at that moment and move on...
So I got the truth last night. And boy, did it hurt! Think about this ladies - your man is in a strip club with a mostly naked woman grinding on top of him and pushing her well-formed teats in his face. How would you feel?
I can't imagine you would feel good about this. In fact, I defy anyone to tell me that they have NO visceral reaction to this thought. Even a tiny pang of jealousy? Even a bit of a "Hands off, bitch. That's MY man!" reaction? Anyway, I'm interested to know what would go through your mind. Not because it would change how I feel, but maybe give me a bit more insight into my (over)reaction and it's consequences.
Here is what I am struggling with in this scenario:
1. My ego is hurting. My self esteem is at an all time low after this scenario. I have always felt deficient because of my weight, and I try to do something about it, and it never works for me. To have to know that these chicks with their perfect bodies were getting it on with my guy is the biggest kick in my gut you can imagine.
2. My space has been invaded. My sexual relationship with J is the most incredible that I have ever experienced. Never had a lover like him. And now I had to "share" him with two women that are using their bodies for the sole purpose of getting a guy hot and bothered (and possibly getting him off)...my personal territory has been defiled. They TOUCHED him, and by nature of their performance on him, he was touching them. Ouch.
3. I can't compete with them. All my life, I have lived in the shadow of the "pretty" ones, the "hot bodies", the "desirable ones". I have always been lacking, and mostly invisible to men. They, on the other hand, have what every guy wants and more. What's a non-hottie to do? It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to eat anymore. I am my own worst enemy and I know it. Still, even if I lost all the weight I want to, I would NEVER be like them - beautiful, hot, sexy. I fooled myself all these years into believing that I would if I lost the weight. Nope. Maybe with plastic surgery, and someone else's face. It's really a hard thing being the ugly duckling in the family, folks. I've tried to hide it over the years, but that's what it comes down to. Which is why I try make up for it in personality.
4. He enjoyed it. Here's where it is the hardest for me to swallow all this - seriously. I would have to be stupid to think that any man wouldn't enjoy a hot body crawling all over him (paid for or not), and I am not stupid. I am also not as naive as I used to be - having seen for my self what a lap dance is all about. But to know that he was enjoying another woman arousing him sets me over the edge. And makes me feel threatened and jealous....And I feel bad about feeling bad. 'Cause I don't want to J to feel guilty or bad - this was his bachelor party, after all. And I know he feels bad because he's faced with my reaction to all this...which is a circular issue because then I feel worse because I made him feel bad...and so on, and so on, and so on...
So, it's been a real internal battle. And only 9 days to our wedding. I need to resolve this for myself asap so I can move on and just let things wash over me. I know in my heart that J didn't intend to hurt me, that he never imagined I would react this way, and that he didn't go to "get off". In fact, I had to give him some background info because he couldn't have been aware of my lifelong struggle with feeling inferior. So in many ways, this was an eye opening experience for him. But not one that I really wanted him to have.
God, this really sucks.