Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Giving It My All

Despite the doom and gloom of the previous post, things are working out nicely with my new position. I am still in charge of processes, just not the people performing those processes. This could be a good thing. Or it would if our manager was stepping up the way we expected. He ain't. Still, when things come crashing down, all I have to do is throw my hands up and say - "NMP! You wanted me out, and look what happened." In a sick way, it's kind of gratifying to watch and know that I was the only piece holding it together. And that's not arrogant on my part. I seriously WAS holding it together, even if I resented having to do so because the people here can't seem to do it themselves. Either way, I am actually enjoying my new role, so that means I can seriously dedicate my time to the things I really enjoy - like Policies and Procedures. I know, it's a sickness really....

On the home front, things couldn't be better. J is the very BEST thing that has happened to me since the birth of my son. Having my two guys around and even having that alone time with J, I am in a near state of bliss.

I say "near" because there is still that elusive weight loss thing. I have actually lost again this week, and that makes me feel good. Considering that Aunt Flo has one foot in the door and is waiting to come crashing in, I'll take what I get. The only thing I have not done at this point is figure out how to get some serious exercise in. This weekend, J has a road trip on Saturday. I think I'll take that opportunity to NOT be lazy and finish cleaning up our new all purpose room. That would be the room that Gambeboy vacated for the smaller of the bedrooms. His near "Asperger's-ness" is rearing it's head again and he said he hated his old room because it was too big and didn't feel cozy to him. I kinda have to agree. It was a big room and was much too cavernous for him. He LOVES his smaller room and even chose to spend some time in it all by himself. That's a first. So, the bigger room is being made over into a multi-purpose room that will house my craft stuff (yarn, yarn, and more yarn), my sewing machine, the dinky elliptical I purchased and really don't use yet, the air hockey table, the rest of my vast wardrobe, and various sundry stuff that doesn't fit into the rest of the house. This gives you a very good idea of just how large this room is. It's too narrow to be the master bedroom (and 'sides, we like our room in the back of the house...more private...know what I mean, nudge, nudge), so it will do nicely to fit all those other things.

But, because we switched Gameboy's room last Sunday, I had hurt my back and it is just now getting back to normal. J proved his prince-charming status by cleaning up and getting dinner for me last night. And he massages my back like no one else ever did. That helped a lot. Hopefully I can be smart about cleaning up this time and get things done for real....

Thanks to DG, I have attempted once again to integrate FlyLady into my daily routine. This is not an easy thing for me - but I do spend my 10-15 minutes in each room when I get home from work so I can just keep up with the clutter and crap. Hey, that's a good line! I think I'll use that again...anyway, it's helping in many ways to keep my sanity and make me feel like I am actually doing what I can to keep a nice house for my guys. And I am starting to get Gameboy into it, too. He is going to be spending the first 15 minutes after school picking up the living room from the things he leaves in it daily. Heck, he's gotta earn that allowance somehow! LOL

Oh, and I have FINALLY started a new knitting project. I discovered that I wanted a shawl to go with my vintage dresses, so I found a pattern that looks vintage and I started it a few weeks ago. I only have about 15 rows done, but at least it is finally started. Now, to just find time to actually knit! LOL

Ok, kids, gotta run. TTFN!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Strange Things Are Afoot

I don't know why, but it seems like I can't have all things in my life going well at the same time. Now that I am personally happy, with a great man and wonderful son, my professional life is taking a wicked hit.

First, let me give you some history. I have been with my company for 15 years. In that time, I have been a supervisor of billing (1 year), supervisor of help desk (6 years), special help desk analyst (after my maternity leave), EDI specialist, and finally EDI Supervisor (7 years). During that time, I have been seen as someone who can be counted on to get things done. Until now.

2 years ago, my mentor and the best boss I ever had left for another position cross country. The team I am supervising is not perfect, but we got things done. After Prior Boss's departure, things turned rather ugly. I was going through my divorce, was emotionally checked out, and struggling on a daily basis just to keep from having a nervous breakdown. That's when some rather unscrupulous people on my team decided that I was in their way and had to go. They began slowly, planting seeds of unrest amoung the rest of the team. A new boss was hired and they used that to voice their discontent to him, without going through me. New Boss discussed these things with me, and I would assure him that they are just trying to stir up trouble. Then New Boss is given new duties which he promptly embraces and ignores our team. I have no support, no direction, and am just trying to keep things status quo. The particularly venomous people on the team use this to stir up more trouble and to strengthen their own positions...

Then, the team complains to HR and I am subjected to a Leadership Review by my team, peers, and management. What follows is not so much a blood bath as I had expected, but a "loop hole" for the powers that be to force me out of my role. I was presented with the results (most being from the team) that stated that I was "in need of improvement" and HR says, "I'll be honest, it is extremely difficult to recover from this" and "Perhaps you aren't happy and need a new position" and "We can help you find something else". Well, what does that tell me? That they want gone. So I talk to my boss and determine that he, too, wants me to step out of my position and that he feels I am really valuable and if I wanted to stay, he would be happy to keep me. So, I decide that I like the work, and he was taking on the people part, so I would stay.

So, here's the wicked hit I referenced earlier...

There is one person on my team that is doing her damndest to make sure the team knows that she is being put into a place of power, and that I am being demoted. She has shared things with others on the team that she should not have, and she managed to get everyone on edge again. She is clearly poison, but the New Boss seems to think that she has merit for the team. When I found out that she is telling people that I am no longer supervisor (which has not been made official), well, that didn't sit well at all. On top of that, every conversation she has with the New Boss is related back to me to show me how valuable he thinks she is, how he values her opinion, and how he obviously relies on her (/sarcasm). And I am sick of it.

So, I met with New Boss and let him know what was going on. He is not happy, but I feel better now that he knows about it. I have to tread carefully, but I know that I will be damned if I will let someone weasel in behind and try to push me out anymore.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Greetings! It has been 18 days since J and I tied the knot, and we are settling into married life. Funny, I don't feel any different. It feels like we have just had a huge cool party and things are still the same.

Except I now have a new name.

And a new driver's license (DMV in DE sucks, btw).

And have to change the umpteen places that my name exists. Really? If we have to have a single medical record system mandated by the government to occur by 2015, can't we have a single database that changes your name on things for you? Like, you go into social security, change your name, and that filters to your state forms, your federal forms, your bank account(s), your school records, your doctor's office, and so on...makes sense, right? Sigh. I know I will forget something and have to figure out how to change it way after the fact. But I guess that's part of the joy of getting a new name...

Speaking of wedded bliss, J has been in a funk lately. He has worked busy crazy hours, and I expected him to have some sort of "recoup" time. Problem is, he doesn't seem all that interested in alone time with me. I am a demanding partner, and so I am trying to temper my expectations with reality. Sometimes guys just don't want that "quality" time, right? Or maybe my needs are too much for him right now. Whatever the reason, I just feel so out of touch.

Add to that fact, the whole FB experience where I tried to engage people in FB conversations only to become totally ignored. And I do mean totally. I reply to people's statuses and don't get any replies to mine. I'm roundly ignored by friends, family, you name it. Oh well. FB is not the epitome of human existence. And I became quite addicted to it. So I'm trying an experiment. Give up the account for a week. Let's see how this goes. I don't know if I'll go through withdraw, but I always have this blog to post to if I feel the need to tell the internets what's happening with my chicken noodle soup or how I split the atom or something.....

Call me needy, but I sometimes need and crave people commenting to me so that I know that my inner fears of being invisible are really unfounded. Problem is, even when I go out looking for attention, I don't get it. That leads me down into a spiral of doubt and sadness. I don't want to be an attention whore, but I can't help it sometimes.

This leads me to my lack of sleep last night, my feeling like I am going to cry right now, and the wicked dream I had. It was such a weird day - J and I were off together, I wasn't feeling well, but I really needed him to pay attention to me. We managed some "alone time" in the morning, but after lunch we went to the DMV (scathing post on that to follow) and that literally sucked up the day. We went to the supermarket and then back home by 6:00. While J relaxed a little, I had to run to the store for a new pair of tweezers (don't ask, I was fixated on getting my brows done). When I got back, I did my brows and got into my PJs, thinking I would be getting some more snuggle time. Not so. J was in bed, covers on, and watching TV. I could tell that my little hints didn't work and I was highly disappointed. I ended up playing a video game until almost 10 p.m. where I found J snoring and was even more disappointed when I said to him that I needed his attention and all he did was apologize and roll back over to go to sleep. I practically had to beg for a good night kiss.

I cried myself to sleep.

Then I had this dream:

I was driving home from work in a frenzy. Gameboy was being picked up by his father from school, and I wanted to get home a little early to put together a nice romantic meal for J and I. When I get to the house, J's car is in the drive. I think, "Oh, he's trying to surprise me! How sweet." And I jump out of the car and run into the house. But the house is dark and for some reason smells like mold. I run through a long hall (as the house suddenly becomes really HUGE) getting excited to see my sweetie. As I get closer to the closed door at the end of the hall, I hear sounds coming from it, deep moaning and gasping sounds. I hear the bed squeaking. I throw the door open to find J in bed with some tall, gorgeous, thin red-head. Instead of screaming and throwing a fit, I can't breathe. I slowly back out of the room while they are still going at it, and just quietly close the door. I end up in a room that is dark and made of cinder block - with water dripping somewhere. I sit alone in the room crying, while I hear the sounds from the room echoing through the house....

When I woke up, J's arm was casually draped over me in sleep. I pushed his arm off, half disgusted, half fearful to wake him. I really just want to feel confident and comfortable like I did before - why can't I? It was 2 a.m. and I was staring at the wall wondering if I should get up and sleep elsewhere or just stay there and try to get back to sleep. Since I was tired, I stayed there, but it was uncomfortable. I eventually fell back asleep, but I was haunted by the dream. I still have this feeling this morning - that I am invisible.

I am sure some of it is coming from changes happening at work and my feeling like I am being easily and summarily dismissed from the good things I have done for my team. Another part of it is hormones. But when you have to beg your man for attention only 2 weeks after your wedding, it tends to lead to doubts, you know?