Thursday, November 5, 2009


Greetings! It has been 18 days since J and I tied the knot, and we are settling into married life. Funny, I don't feel any different. It feels like we have just had a huge cool party and things are still the same.

Except I now have a new name.

And a new driver's license (DMV in DE sucks, btw).

And have to change the umpteen places that my name exists. Really? If we have to have a single medical record system mandated by the government to occur by 2015, can't we have a single database that changes your name on things for you? Like, you go into social security, change your name, and that filters to your state forms, your federal forms, your bank account(s), your school records, your doctor's office, and so on...makes sense, right? Sigh. I know I will forget something and have to figure out how to change it way after the fact. But I guess that's part of the joy of getting a new name...

Speaking of wedded bliss, J has been in a funk lately. He has worked busy crazy hours, and I expected him to have some sort of "recoup" time. Problem is, he doesn't seem all that interested in alone time with me. I am a demanding partner, and so I am trying to temper my expectations with reality. Sometimes guys just don't want that "quality" time, right? Or maybe my needs are too much for him right now. Whatever the reason, I just feel so out of touch.

Add to that fact, the whole FB experience where I tried to engage people in FB conversations only to become totally ignored. And I do mean totally. I reply to people's statuses and don't get any replies to mine. I'm roundly ignored by friends, family, you name it. Oh well. FB is not the epitome of human existence. And I became quite addicted to it. So I'm trying an experiment. Give up the account for a week. Let's see how this goes. I don't know if I'll go through withdraw, but I always have this blog to post to if I feel the need to tell the internets what's happening with my chicken noodle soup or how I split the atom or something.....

Call me needy, but I sometimes need and crave people commenting to me so that I know that my inner fears of being invisible are really unfounded. Problem is, even when I go out looking for attention, I don't get it. That leads me down into a spiral of doubt and sadness. I don't want to be an attention whore, but I can't help it sometimes.

This leads me to my lack of sleep last night, my feeling like I am going to cry right now, and the wicked dream I had. It was such a weird day - J and I were off together, I wasn't feeling well, but I really needed him to pay attention to me. We managed some "alone time" in the morning, but after lunch we went to the DMV (scathing post on that to follow) and that literally sucked up the day. We went to the supermarket and then back home by 6:00. While J relaxed a little, I had to run to the store for a new pair of tweezers (don't ask, I was fixated on getting my brows done). When I got back, I did my brows and got into my PJs, thinking I would be getting some more snuggle time. Not so. J was in bed, covers on, and watching TV. I could tell that my little hints didn't work and I was highly disappointed. I ended up playing a video game until almost 10 p.m. where I found J snoring and was even more disappointed when I said to him that I needed his attention and all he did was apologize and roll back over to go to sleep. I practically had to beg for a good night kiss.

I cried myself to sleep.

Then I had this dream:

I was driving home from work in a frenzy. Gameboy was being picked up by his father from school, and I wanted to get home a little early to put together a nice romantic meal for J and I. When I get to the house, J's car is in the drive. I think, "Oh, he's trying to surprise me! How sweet." And I jump out of the car and run into the house. But the house is dark and for some reason smells like mold. I run through a long hall (as the house suddenly becomes really HUGE) getting excited to see my sweetie. As I get closer to the closed door at the end of the hall, I hear sounds coming from it, deep moaning and gasping sounds. I hear the bed squeaking. I throw the door open to find J in bed with some tall, gorgeous, thin red-head. Instead of screaming and throwing a fit, I can't breathe. I slowly back out of the room while they are still going at it, and just quietly close the door. I end up in a room that is dark and made of cinder block - with water dripping somewhere. I sit alone in the room crying, while I hear the sounds from the room echoing through the house....

When I woke up, J's arm was casually draped over me in sleep. I pushed his arm off, half disgusted, half fearful to wake him. I really just want to feel confident and comfortable like I did before - why can't I? It was 2 a.m. and I was staring at the wall wondering if I should get up and sleep elsewhere or just stay there and try to get back to sleep. Since I was tired, I stayed there, but it was uncomfortable. I eventually fell back asleep, but I was haunted by the dream. I still have this feeling this morning - that I am invisible.

I am sure some of it is coming from changes happening at work and my feeling like I am being easily and summarily dismissed from the good things I have done for my team. Another part of it is hormones. But when you have to beg your man for attention only 2 weeks after your wedding, it tends to lead to doubts, you know?

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