Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas and Stuff

Happy Holidays, Blog World! I have been notably absent from the blogging world for many reasons, the most prevalent being that my blogging time is down to nil since we are being "watched" at work. It's ok, though. Things are going better than they had been, so it's worth the effort.

However, there are some things that I must get off my chest. One, I am going insane. No, really. I started my descent into madness this past weekend, with my mind racing a million different directions and my emotions running amok. Not pleasant, folks. Add to this my back is STILL out of commission so I can't do anything, and you have one very unhappy GeekChick.

But there are positives too! I got tons of wrapping done and am half way through a hand crocheted scarf for a family friend. We had 23 inches of snow dumped on us this weekend, so Gameboy got to go out in the snow and play. He was happier than I have seen him in weeks! We went to a birthday party for a friend's son, and that was fun. Gameboy even played for the first 20 minutes. After that, he found a video game and that was all she wrote....

But even with all this "goodwill" and good feelings, I am totally NOT ready for the holiday. I had great plans to do things, go places with our newly formed family, see lights, etc...but it's not to be. My back being the worst offender. I had been hoping for relief since I really hurt it about 3 weeks ago, and have been seeing the chiropractor, but it's just not healing. I may have to see a back specialist. Sigh. Like I have time for this? Oh, and I have a 12 hour drive to Michigan next week. Fun! Thank goodness for heated seats, though. That should help...

For J and I, this is our first Christmas as husband and wife. Last year was wonderful and sweet, and I hope it can be that way again - even with my back being all cranky. Speaking of cranky, I have been in a major funk since this whole thing with my back began. I can't do any of the normal things I do for the holidays (like baking - can't bend) and I realized that I put on MAJOR weight in the past few months. That is complicating my back issues and making me feel less than wonderful about myself. Ok, I've been a miserable beeotch. People who have no weight issues would never understand it, but it is truly like a hell of your own creation that you cannot possibly save yourself from. Why not? Because you have to eat to live. Alcoholics can live without alcohol, but people addicted to eating can't live without food. It's really a heartbreak to live like this - and feel trapped like I do. And the worst of it is, my new hubby has to see me like this miserable slug that can't do anything to help herself. Hell, it even hurts to wipe my own butt! (Don't worry, haven't asked anyone to help me with THAT yet...) It makes *ahem* difficult, too, and that has been lacking lately. I know J doesn't blame me, but I can't help but feel like I am really unattractive to him, especially with my back being the way it is. We were at a birthday party this past weekend and my friend snapped a picture of me in a rocking chair while I was crocheting. I looked like a freaking whale! And my hubby even commented that I looked like Mrs. Claus. I have to say, I am still reeling from seeing myself like that - I had NO idea I had gotten that huge. And now I am totally self consious about it. I don't want to be the "fat happy girl" that everyone seems to think I am.

I gotta snap out of this. I know I will. It's just so hard. And to feel like this during the holidays is the worst. But it IS the holidays and I am getting into the Christmas spirit if it kills me! So, from me to you and yours - may you all have a wonderful holiday season. God Bless Us Everyone!