Saturday, October 29, 2011

Did I really just get that phone call?

Yes, it's been over a year since I posted. I have no excuse. Just haven't made time to actually sit and collect my thoughts. What has happened in the past year?

1. Started Anti-Depression and anxiety meds, that have helped A LOT.
2. Given my all at work and home.
3. Tried to get my son into a healthier pattern of living.
4. Enjoyed my first couple of years as a woman married to her soul mate.
5. Tried to put the past behind me.
6. Father was diagnosed with colon cancer, mother has been in and out of the hospital. Fun! NOT.
7. FIL had a heart attack, MIL fell and broke her wrists. New nephew was born.
9. Made some mistakes, got some life know, the usual.
10. Started several projects and only finished 3. But I did finish 3 so that's a good thing for me! LOL Currently have lots of plans, and some yummy yarns from a trip back to Michigan this past summer. Can't wait to get it on my sticks.

What is inspiring me to write again is actually that I need an outlet. An outlet that isn't Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or places where I am limited to a certain amount of characters or format.

You see, the past year has been hard for us with the changes in our lives. My son is really struggling with his father, and he prefers spending time with me and J. For some reason, MFE doesn't get why J is a better Dad. Well, duh. Because J doesn't try to make the boy into something he isn't. J understands our son and is gentle and compassionate. All the things the ex is not. So sad.

Point: This is the ex's weekend and The Kid did not want to go. I had to make him. He doesn't like the ex or the ex's fiance (who is very caustic and doesn't even try to hide her distaste of The Kid). It's a really tough situation. Worse yet, I get a call from the ex complaining that the clothes I put The Kid in are ill fitting and make the kid look "poor". One thing you have to know about MFE, he is totally all about appearance and LOOKING good. Not actually being good, apparently. In any case, I gave it right back to him, verbal bash for verbal bash. He complained about the clothes, I reminded him that it was tough to shop for The Kid. He called me a bitch and said he would call his lawyer - I told him he had no right to bully me and call threatening me with anything since he's obviously out of control. He said our son is bigger than he is, I said it was because he kept feeding him pizza and donuts when he was over. He told me his kid hates him and doesn't want to be with him. I replied it's his own fault and since he doesn't want to parent but would rather be a "buddy" that he can't expect to command respect from The Kid. It wasn't a pretty conversation, but I was really, really proud of myself. I stood up for myself and didn't let him bully or threaten me. It was actually a good feeling. So why do I feel like crap? And why do I feel like I'm defeated?

Mainly because this isn't the first time this has happened. It happens several times a year. It goes well for a little while, it gets bad again, then it starts to ease up, then it goes well again. I was fighting and working with The Kid to accept his "dad" for what he was - and to try to relate to him. I had my kid in therapy because he hates his bio-dad and soon-to-be stepmom and doesn't want to be anywhere near them. I worked hard to overcome my own pain and prejudice against the ex to attempt to co-parent my son with him. And nothing ever changes. The ex will lash out at anyone helpless, weaker, or whom he perceives as weaker. It's more of a control thing, and not really a mean/evil thing. I get it, but it's still not right and it still hurts.

Also, I am now worried about my son having to stay in that environment and be bullied and threatened by the ex since I wouldn't take it. Thank goodness The Kid is old enough now to say what he thinks, but since the ex has lashed out before and actually hurt him, I worry. It's a tough and sticky situation.

Finally, it is also because it brings up past pain and abuse at the hands of my ex...including the dark year. I have come to the point where I may even want to write about it to get it out. But for now, it's all jumbled together and it scares me just a bit that I still let him get to me this way....

Yeah, I think writing about it is a good idea....


Tana said...

Wowza. It's been a gazillion years since I was a child in this situation, but the year I could decide for myself whether or not I wanted to go visit my dad, it was one of the best years. I think I had to be 14. Things might have changed regarding that by now.

It sucks having to force your kid to go somewhere he doesn't feel welcomed or comfortable or loved or understood. I'm sorry.

Get it out, girl. Get it all out. :)

grandmamargie said...

Welcome back. I have been wondering about you and how you are doing. Glad to see you posting again.

CryssyeR said...

Hi Margie! I'm so happy you are still here :)

Tana, lots to get out, to be honest. I'm thinking it may be a very dark read though! LOL