Wednesday, November 30, 2011

In Which Life Throws A Curveball

In the past few weeks, life has been rather challenging. I messed up my finances and have been trying to get back to where I can feel that I am able to stay solvent. The Kid is having issues with MFE again (big surprise). My depression has been on the swing again which means I need to get back to the doctor and get a new dose.

Then, this happens.

Back in August, my father was diagnosed with a dreaded disease. Starts with C and rhymes with Prancer. He had surgery in which they removed a huge tumor. I will spare you the gory details, but it wasn't pretty and they had to remove a section of his colon and bowel. It was diagnosed as Stage 4, then downgraded to Stage 3. After weeks in the hospital, he was released and slowly started to recover. He attended chemo and it looked like things were going to settle down for at least a little while.

Then, Dad started to not feel well around Thanksgiving. He missed our Thanksgiving family dinner for the first time ever that I can remember, and was generally lethargic and had diarrhea. He tried to stay hydrated but was unable to eat and unable to sleep due to the constant up and down. He also started having issues with the edema in his legs. By Monday, his doctor told him to go the ER to have his electrolytes checked and to get some fluids. They did a CT scan and found an obstruction in his bowel. By Tuesday, he was taken to surgery for another operation and to remove what turned out to be another tumor. This time, the doctor couldn't get it all and had to close up the colon. The results were not completely unexpected, just so sudden. This tumor grew quickly from nothing in 3 months. Not a good sign.

Right now, Dad is in ICU and will probably be there for a few days before being moved to another room. He is a fighter, but at 72, I worry about his mental place as much as his physical. If he is not willing to keep fighting because of pain, aggravation or whatever, then I know he will not be with us much longer.

I realized last night how very selfish I had been in the past few weeks. Like a ostrich with its head in the sand, I expected him to fight, fix it, and get better. I also didn't do all I could to reach out and try to be with him more. I can only do what I can to spend as much time with him now.

I also realized that I have to be strong for him, my mom (who is not dealing well), for my son and my family. We are all going to have challenges dealing with this latest development and I have to be sure I am in tune to them so that I don't become mired in drama and self pity.

My Dad has always been my hero. I think it's time to step up and try to be his.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Did He Really Just Say That?

So, for the past two weeks, The Kid has been going back and forth with his feelings about his bio dad. He struggles daily to come to terms with the fact that the man just can't relate to him on his level. However, the past week has been rather smooth sailing. I thought it was odd, after all the anger and pain, that my son is suddenly happy with his relationship with the ex. He wants to spend time with him, wants to go to his house, and wants to spend a holiday with him. What I think is happening (and I may just be a bit unfair here) is that the ex is giving him what he wants and what child wouldn't like that? The Kid's birthday just passed, and of course the ex had to promise him the world. He gave him a party with lots of cool presents. Then, he said he would get The Kid the game he has been wanting. Finally, the ex is getting married (poor woman has NO idea what she is doing, obviously) and my son is in the wedding. This makes my son happy and feel important. So of course he is happy....now. I don't trust this. I have been down this road too many times to believe that things are really changing. I think the ex is playing to The Kid to keep him happy so he'll be in the wedding. I also think the ex will soon be back to his old ways. Call it intuition, fear, or even experience, but I know that the ex cannot change. No matter how much he wants to. And the fact that when the ex called me for help and his mom and fiance did all the talking pointed out that he simply is not capable of being anything other than what he is.

Now for the kicker. Tonight, The Kid told me that he would rather be with the ex for Thanksgiving. The ex gave him a choice. The reason he wants to go with the ex? "Because he'll feed me." What the hell does that mean? I don't feed him? No, it means that the ex and his mom will make the kid anything he wants to eat rather than make him eat what is on the table. Nice, huh? So now I am the crappy mom because I am enforcing the rules, giving him structure, and making him grow. The ex is the hero because he caters to The Kid and gives him whatever he wants. Carnival Dad wins. I haz a sad face.

And I don't have my boy with me for Thanksgiving. Pardon me while I go cry in the corner.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Changes in 24 hours

Well, things are going to pass with my friend. I'm not sure she 100% believes me, but I know she is not going to end our friendship over it. I'm happy to have an opportunity to prove that I am not doing the things I did pre-meds.

On another note, I am now struggling with my lack of relationships in general. One thing this event highlighted for me is that I do not have good relationships with certain people. My friend doesn't trust me due to things I did when I was manic. My one brother is not really talking to me either for the same reason. The sad thing is, the more they pulled away when I was manic, the more it highlighted that I was losing them and I would get further manic and depressed. It was crazy. Now that I am on meds, I am happier. I still need to find a full time therapist. I had gone to one appointment with someone near my work, but it didn't pan out. I have to do my homework and get another one. I think it's important to get things out and get some real working advice. That's going to be my next concentration.

So, hopefully things will work out. But in the meantime, I'm just going to take it day by day...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Heartbreak and Confusion

Not sure how to explain this, but I'll try. I have a good friend that has helped me come to terms with my emotional issues. During the summer, I had mistakenly and stupidly thought she was excluding me on purpose (and, to be honest, she probably was...I would have!) and gathering other mutual friends for some fun. I have to admit, in my manic state, I went off on her and put her in a difficult position. She forgave me, and I vowed never to make her feel like I didn't appreciate her again.

Jump to last week, I posted on Google+ that I was sick of holding home demos only to have no one buy anything. I had scheduled a home demo, but because I was ill, turned it into a book show. Two people responded that they couldn't participate, which I respect, but no one else did. So, I put it on Google to avoid the salesperson from seeing it. somehow, this friend saw this post and took offense. Mind you, I didn't point fingers, just said I would never hold another show or go to one. not sure why she thought this was directed at her, but she didn't say anything for a week or so.

Then today, I posted an FB status stating how I hate fake people and I would rather be hated for being me than to be loved for being something I am not. This was a post about the situation with my son's father, and how he seems to want to work with me one minute then turns and becomes hostile and abusive. Anyway, once again my friend took offense and sent me a message that sounds like she wants to end our friendship. I am at a loss! I defended myself several times, but I don't think she believes me. I don't know what to do. This has me completely baffled and devastated. Nothing I say seems to matter.

I can't believe this is happening. I've been blindsided and feel like I don't have a prayer in saving this relationship. Anyone have any ideas?