In the past few weeks, life has been rather challenging. I messed up my finances and have been trying to get back to where I can feel that I am able to stay solvent. The Kid is having issues with MFE again (big surprise). My depression has been on the swing again which means I need to get back to the doctor and get a new dose.
Then, this happens.
Back in August, my father was diagnosed with a dreaded disease. Starts with C and rhymes with Prancer. He had surgery in which they removed a huge tumor. I will spare you the gory details, but it wasn't pretty and they had to remove a section of his colon and bowel. It was diagnosed as Stage 4, then downgraded to Stage 3. After weeks in the hospital, he was released and slowly started to recover. He attended chemo and it looked like things were going to settle down for at least a little while.
Then, Dad started to not feel well around Thanksgiving. He missed our Thanksgiving family dinner for the first time ever that I can remember, and was generally lethargic and had diarrhea. He tried to stay hydrated but was unable to eat and unable to sleep due to the constant up and down. He also started having issues with the edema in his legs. By Monday, his doctor told him to go the ER to have his electrolytes checked and to get some fluids. They did a CT scan and found an obstruction in his bowel. By Tuesday, he was taken to surgery for another operation and to remove what turned out to be another tumor. This time, the doctor couldn't get it all and had to close up the colon. The results were not completely unexpected, just so sudden. This tumor grew quickly from nothing in 3 months. Not a good sign.
Right now, Dad is in ICU and will probably be there for a few days before being moved to another room. He is a fighter, but at 72, I worry about his mental place as much as his physical. If he is not willing to keep fighting because of pain, aggravation or whatever, then I know he will not be with us much longer.
I realized last night how very selfish I had been in the past few weeks. Like a ostrich with its head in the sand, I expected him to fight, fix it, and get better. I also didn't do all I could to reach out and try to be with him more. I can only do what I can to spend as much time with him now.
I also realized that I have to be strong for him, my mom (who is not dealing well), for my son and my family. We are all going to have challenges dealing with this latest development and I have to be sure I am in tune to them so that I don't become mired in drama and self pity.
My Dad has always been my hero. I think it's time to step up and try to be his.