Geek Chick with Sticks

New Year

2012-01-25T13:05:00.002-05:00

The past few weeks have flown by. Not really much is different, except for this ache I have in my heart for my Dad. And suddenly I am MUCH more attached to my husband and son. Last night I had a horrible dream about my Dad and I woke up crying. All I could do was hold my husband tight. I didn't want to let go of him for fear my dream would come true. It was unreasonable, and yet it felt so real. My rational self knows the pain will lessen over time.

I am also highly interested in the paranormal now. I was always a believer, or at least someone who wanted to believe but I needed proof. I am not sure I need proof anymore. I want so desperately to believe that something exists beyond this life. Not just for my Dad but for me. Of course my Dad is first in my mind. This is hitting harder than any of my grandparents dying. Wonder why?

What Two Weeks Bring

2011-12-20T12:04:00.010-05:00

It's been two weeks since my beloved Daddy passed on. The past two weeks have been filled with tears, pain, laughter, joy, and heartbreak. My 6 siblings and I have bonded to try to fill the void left in our lives. The most important thing in my mind is to make sure my Mom has company and is not feeling the pain of loneliness. I cannot stand the thought that she would have to be all alone after 47 years of marriage to my Dad. They forged a life together that few succeed in building. My own view of my marriage is based on theirs. If I can be half as successful, I know that I have a strong and committed marriage. My son and I have spent time with Mom to make sure she knows that she is not alone in all this. He has brought her joy and he has helped her to laugh.

My siblings and I have also forged a new bond. We are really doing all we can to keep together as my father would want. He was always about family and always about his kids. That is what was magical about our family and how we grew up. To honor our father, we are sharing 72 memories of my father - one per day, for each year of his life. It is such a blessing to be able to read what my siblings have been sharing. It is also giving us a way to share and remember Dad as he wanted to be remembered; Full of life, never compromising, loving and bigger than life.

To further share, I wanted to post about things I learned from my Daddy:

1. Respect all living things. My father loved animals, babies, and people. He would not stand for us having any intolerance or being cruel in any way.

2. Obey the Rules. Growing up, we had plenty of rules, but the ones Dad most wanted us to follow were those set forth by the law and society. One time I picked a crab apple from someone's tree and Dad made me walk back and apologize for stealing. It was a lesson for sure.

3. Love is endless. Despite the fact that loved ones have passed on, Dad always made sure we knew that it was possible to love them. He also made sure we always knew of his love even if we didn't see eye to eye.

4. Family means everything. No matter what happened in our lives, Dad was always there. Shows, games, whenever and whatever we needed he tried to give us. Even when we were dirt poor, we would take family trips and spend that time together. Because of that, I cherish family trips today.

5. Only God knows the outcome. When Dad first got sick, I was devastated. I sat and held his hand in the hospital and told him I would use all my strength to help him fight it. He gently reminded me that I cannot control it any more than he could. Only God knew what was going to happen so it was important to live each day to the fullest. His calmness helped calm me down as he faced his own mortality.

6. Do not fret over what you cannot control. Goes with #5. Since we cannot control the outcome, there is no need to lose sleep or waste energy on it. Dad took what came his way and just dealt with it the way he knew how. His strength of character is what I loved the most during this time.

7. Be slow to anger, but get angry when you need to. Dad would get angry. Boy would he get angry! But he never got angry for no reason. He always had a reason, and it was usually justified. I didn't always think so, but looking back I realize that he had to be pushed and when he was, he pushed back. My Dad also would get angry about things that he didn't like that local government would do. After his retirement, he was a constant fixture at the township and school board meetings, making sure his voice was heard. I admire him so for this.

8. Honesty and integrity are more important than money. Dad had an awesome work ethic. He would go to work early, never be in a rush to leave, and would pay special care to what he produced. He told us it didn't matter how much money we made in life, just that we made a difference in what we did, no matter what it was.

9. Be the first to arrive and the last to leave at work. Again, Dad's work ethic was second to none. He would sometime complain about the "younger" people not being as diligent. When he became shop steward, he tried to show the team that he was as good as his word. Dad also was on time, arriving 30 mintues before work so he could spend time drinking his coffee and reading his paper. He would leave after everyone else, making sure everything was done correctly.

10. Success is a happy family. Dad's greatest joy and pride was his family. Even if we didn't have the best job or make the most money, he made sure we understood that it was family that would give us our greatest source of love and support. Towards the end, he wanted nothing but time together as a family. He wanted to be together, laughing and loving, and we did that for him.

We were also all there at the end. Huddled around his hospital bed, 14 people crammed into an ICU room, telling him that we loved him and that we would continue his legacy of love. We each took turns saying goodbye, holding his hand, telling him it was ok to go. My own words seemed hollow in my ears, but I could not let him leave this earth without telling him how much he meant to me. And I sang to him. One of the things Dad was proud of in me was my singing. I haven't really allowed myself to sing for many years, but I felt compelled to sing one last song to him as he struggled to let go:

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the word

Sweet the rain's new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dew fall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass 

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God's recreation of the new day.

With Love

2011-12-06T17:08:00.002-05:00

Rest In Peace Daddy
9/4/1939 - 12/3/2011

Honesty and RAGE

2011-12-02T02:40:00.002-05:00

My darling and precious father is dying.

FUCK YOU CANCER!

In Which Life Throws A Curveball

2011-11-30T08:54:00.005-05:00

In the past few weeks, life has been rather challenging. I messed up my finances and have been trying to get back to where I can feel that I am able to stay solvent. The Kid is having issues with MFE again (big surprise). My depression has been on the swing again which means I need to get back to the doctor and get a new dose.

Then, this happens.

Back in August, my father was diagnosed with a dreaded disease. Starts with C and rhymes with Prancer. He had surgery in which they removed a huge tumor. I will spare you the gory details, but it wasn't pretty and they had to remove a section of his colon and bowel. It was diagnosed as Stage 4, then downgraded to Stage 3. After weeks in the hospital, he was released and slowly started to recover. He attended chemo and it looked like things were going to settle down for at least a little while.

Then, Dad started to not feel well around Thanksgiving. He missed our Thanksgiving family dinner for the first time ever that I can remember, and was generally lethargic and had diarrhea. He tried to stay hydrated but was unable to eat and unable to sleep due to the constant up and down. He also started having issues with the edema in his legs. By Monday, his doctor told him to go the ER to have his electrolytes checked and to get some fluids. They did a CT scan and found an obstruction in his bowel. By Tuesday, he was taken to surgery for another operation and to remove what turned out to be another tumor. This time, the doctor couldn't get it all and had to close up the colon. The results were not completely unexpected, just so sudden. This tumor grew quickly from nothing in 3 months. Not a good sign.

Right now, Dad is in ICU and will probably be there for a few days before being moved to another room. He is a fighter, but at 72, I worry about his mental place as much as his physical. If he is not willing to keep fighting because of pain, aggravation or whatever, then I know he will not be with us much longer.

I realized last night how very selfish I had been in the past few weeks. Like a ostrich with its head in the sand, I expected him to fight, fix it, and get better. I also didn't do all I could to reach out and try to be with him more. I can only do what I can to spend as much time with him now.

I also realized that I have to be strong for him, my mom (who is not dealing well), for my son and my family. We are all going to have challenges dealing with this latest development and I have to be sure I am in tune to them so that I don't become mired in drama and self pity.

My Dad has always been my hero. I think it's time to step up and try to be his.

Did He Really Just Say That?

2011-11-17T17:47:00.003-05:00

So, for the past two weeks, The Kid has been going back and forth with his feelings about his bio dad. He struggles daily to come to terms with the fact that the man just can't relate to him on his level. However, the past week has been rather smooth sailing. I thought it was odd, after all the anger and pain, that my son is suddenly happy with his relationship with the ex. He wants to spend time with him, wants to go to his house, and wants to spend a holiday with him. What I think is happening (and I may just be a bit unfair here) is that the ex is giving him what he wants and what child wouldn't like that? The Kid's birthday just passed, and of course the ex had to promise him the world. He gave him a party with lots of cool presents. Then, he said he would get The Kid the game he has been wanting. Finally, the ex is getting married (poor woman has NO idea what she is doing, obviously) and my son is in the wedding. This makes my son happy and feel important. So of course he is happy....now. I don't trust this. I have been down this road too many times to believe that things are really changing. I think the ex is playing to The Kid to keep him happy so he'll be in the wedding. I also think the ex will soon be back to his old ways. Call it intuition, fear, or even experience, but I know that the ex cannot change. No matter how much he wants to. And the fact that when the ex called me for help and his mom and fiance did all the talking pointed out that he simply is not capable of being anything other than what he is.

Now for the kicker. Tonight, The Kid told me that he would rather be with the ex for Thanksgiving. The ex gave him a choice. The reason he wants to go with the ex? "Because he'll feed me." What the hell does that mean? I don't feed him? No, it means that the ex and his mom will make the kid anything he wants to eat rather than make him eat what is on the table. Nice, huh? So now I am the crappy mom because I am enforcing the rules, giving him structure, and making him grow. The ex is the hero because he caters to The Kid and gives him whatever he wants. Carnival Dad wins. I haz a sad face.

And I don't have my boy with me for Thanksgiving. Pardon me while I go cry in the corner.

Changes in 24 hours

2011-11-03T17:16:00.003-04:00

Well, things are going to pass with my friend. I'm not sure she 100% believes me, but I know she is not going to end our friendship over it. I'm happy to have an opportunity to prove that I am not doing the things I did pre-meds.

On another note, I am now struggling with my lack of relationships in general. One thing this event highlighted for me is that I do not have good relationships with certain people. My friend doesn't trust me due to things I did when I was manic. My one brother is not really talking to me either for the same reason. The sad thing is, the more they pulled away when I was manic, the more it highlighted that I was losing them and I would get further manic and depressed. It was crazy. Now that I am on meds, I am happier. I still need to find a full time therapist. I had gone to one appointment with someone near my work, but it didn't pan out. I have to do my homework and get another one. I think it's important to get things out and get some real working advice. That's going to be my next concentration.

So, hopefully things will work out. But in the meantime, I'm just going to take it day by day...

Heartbreak and Confusion

2011-11-02T16:24:00.003-04:00

Not sure how to explain this, but I'll try. I have a good friend that has helped me come to terms with my emotional issues. During the summer, I had mistakenly and stupidly thought she was excluding me on purpose (and, to be honest, she probably was...I would have!) and gathering other mutual friends for some fun. I have to admit, in my manic state, I went off on her and put her in a difficult position. She forgave me, and I vowed never to make her feel like I didn't appreciate her again.

Jump to last week, I posted on Google+ that I was sick of holding home demos only to have no one buy anything. I had scheduled a home demo, but because I was ill, turned it into a book show. Two people responded that they couldn't participate, which I respect, but no one else did. So, I put it on Google to avoid the salesperson from seeing it. somehow, this friend saw this post and took offense. Mind you, I didn't point fingers, just said I would never hold another show or go to one. not sure why she thought this was directed at her, but she didn't say anything for a week or so.

Then today, I posted an FB status stating how I hate fake people and I would rather be hated for being me than to be loved for being something I am not. This was a post about the situation with my son's father, and how he seems to want to work with me one minute then turns and becomes hostile and abusive. Anyway, once again my friend took offense and sent me a message that sounds like she wants to end our friendship. I am at a loss! I defended myself several times, but I don't think she believes me. I don't know what to do. This has me completely baffled and devastated. Nothing I say seems to matter.

I can't believe this is happening. I've been blindsided and feel like I don't have a prayer in saving this relationship. Anyone have any ideas?

Did I really just get that phone call?

2011-10-29T15:12:00.003-04:00

Yes, it's been over a year since I posted. I have no excuse. Just haven't made time to actually sit and collect my thoughts. What has happened in the past year?

1. Started Anti-Depression and anxiety meds, that have helped A LOT.
2. Given my all at work and home.
3. Tried to get my son into a healthier pattern of living.
4. Enjoyed my first couple of years as a woman married to her soul mate.
5. Tried to put the past behind me.
6. Father was diagnosed with colon cancer, mother has been in and out of the hospital. Fun! NOT.
7. FIL had a heart attack, MIL fell and broke her wrists. New nephew was born.
9. Made some mistakes, got some life lessons...you know, the usual.
10. Started several projects and only finished 3. But I did finish 3 so that's a good thing for me! LOL Currently have lots of plans, and some yummy yarns from a trip back to Michigan this past summer. Can't wait to get it on my sticks.

What is inspiring me to write again is actually that I need an outlet. An outlet that isn't Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or places where I am limited to a certain amount of characters or format.

You see, the past year has been hard for us with the changes in our lives. My son is really struggling with his father, and he prefers spending time with me and J. For some reason, MFE doesn't get why J is a better Dad. Well, duh. Because J doesn't try to make the boy into something he isn't. J understands our son and is gentle and compassionate. All the things the ex is not. So sad.

Point: This is the ex's weekend and The Kid did not want to go. I had to make him. He doesn't like the ex or the ex's fiance (who is very caustic and doesn't even try to hide her distaste of The Kid). It's a really tough situation. Worse yet, I get a call from the ex complaining that the clothes I put The Kid in are ill fitting and make the kid look "poor". One thing you have to know about MFE, he is totally all about appearance and LOOKING good. Not actually being good, apparently. In any case, I gave it right back to him, verbal bash for verbal bash. He complained about the clothes, I reminded him that it was tough to shop for The Kid. He called me a bitch and said he would call his lawyer - I told him he had no right to bully me and call threatening me with anything since he's obviously out of control. He said our son is bigger than he is, I said it was because he kept feeding him pizza and donuts when he was over. He told me his kid hates him and doesn't want to be with him. I replied it's his own fault and since he doesn't want to parent but would rather be a "buddy" that he can't expect to command respect from The Kid. It wasn't a pretty conversation, but I was really, really proud of myself. I stood up for myself and didn't let him bully or threaten me. It was actually a good feeling. So why do I feel like crap? And why do I feel like I'm defeated?

Mainly because this isn't the first time this has happened. It happens several times a year. It goes well for a little while, it gets bad again, then it starts to ease up, then it goes well again. I was fighting and working with The Kid to accept his "dad" for what he was - and to try to relate to him. I had my kid in therapy because he hates his bio-dad and soon-to-be stepmom and doesn't want to be anywhere near them. I worked hard to overcome my own pain and prejudice against the ex to attempt to co-parent my son with him. And nothing ever changes. The ex will lash out at anyone helpless, weaker, or whom he perceives as weaker. It's more of a control thing, and not really a mean/evil thing. I get it, but it's still not right and it still hurts.

Also, I am now worried about my son having to stay in that environment and be bullied and threatened by the ex since I wouldn't take it. Thank goodness The Kid is old enough now to say what he thinks, but since the ex has lashed out before and actually hurt him, I worry. It's a tough and sticky situation.

Finally, it is also because it brings up past pain and abuse at the hands of my ex...including the dark year. I have come to the point where I may even want to write about it to get it out. But for now, it's all jumbled together and it scares me just a bit that I still let him get to me this way....

Yeah, I think writing about it is a good idea....

Ummm, yeah, not so much

2010-07-02T06:38:00.002-04:00

So about that weekly blogging thing? Yeah, not really happening. I have been bogged down at work (pardon the pun) and also have been quite busy at home. I know, you don't want excuses, just witty commentary. Ok, ok, fine.

Here's what's been on my mind lately....

Gameboy's Asperger's Syndrome

Hardly surprising, this is the first issue that has been occupying my time and thoughts. He is struggling just a little, and since the neurologist has asked me to remove him from the ADHD meds, he has been wrestling with his extra energy. Point in case: two nights ago, while playing the new Lego's Harry Potter game (addicting, btw), he asked me to help him beat a level. While I circumnavigated the obstacles in the game, he lay on his back on the love seat singing, kicking his feet, shaking his head from side to side. He was actually in a very good mood. This was not a fit or a tantrum. Instead, this was his way of dealing with the surge of excitement and "twitchyness" that he faces. It was amusing and sad at the same time. Being 8 years old, he looked very much like a two year old in that moment.

He's also been having issues fitting in with kids his own age. At school, he had younger playmates because they didn't mind his quirks and his "immature" behavior. Kids his own age mostly ignored him or treated him badly. Older kids would take advantage of his need to be accepted and manipulate him until they start to tease him. Same with the neighborhood kids. Last summer, they were downright mean to him so now he refuses to play with them. What sucks is that they hang out in front of our house and he doesn't even want to be outside. That bothers me a lot. Now at camp for the summer, he is having the same struggles. Older kids that pick on him and abuse his trusting nature and desire to fit in. Kids his own age mostly not wanting to play with him. Since he is in the 8-12 year old group, he doesn't have the luxury of younger kids to bond with. It's really sad and hard to deal with for him, and I am at a loss as to how to help. I just keep telling him how special and wonderful he is and hope it sinks in. What I want to do is go to the camp and bash some heads in. Since that's not an option, I have opted to tell the camp counselors about his Asperger's and hope that they can watch out for him.

World Cup

No, really! Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not the least bit interested in this competition. In fact, I don't pay much attention to any sport with the exception of baseball (living with Mr. Baseball, how can I avoid it?). The issue is, that it's all over the news feeds that I have and now I have to sift through to find REAL news. I mean, really. Is it going to improve the state of things in our lives if one particular country wins over another? It's not like it's the Olympics - which I do watch - where athletes compete out of sportsmanship. The World Cup athletes are HIGHLY paid professionals, albeit quite hunky professionals it seems. But when I turn to my RSS news feed, I don't really care what caused Cristian Ronaldo to blow the game, and I care even less that it was because of a breakup with his hottie girlfriend. Give me my news back!

Vintage Baseball

Maybe it's the history, maybe it's the theatrical in me, but I love wearing period dress and walking about as if we are in the 1860's. My hubby plays in a Vintage Baseball league - in a new team that was formed last year - and I immediately wanted to get involved. These guys are playing real ball, the way it was meant to be played. No gloves, period correct ball, and a properly laid out field are somehow magical to me. I learned to score the game this year, just to be more involved with the whole enterprise. I love it! I love the questions people ask (perhaps I love the attention just a little) and I get to tell them about the time period, the way people dressed and interacted with one another. I am fascinated by the social aspects of the time period too. It was most definitely a more genteel time. Well, except for that messy War Between the States, but we won't mention that....

VACATION

Yes, I am taking a real vacation this year. A whole week off! A trip to Michigan to see the family and I am beyond excited. We are leaving tonight, driving a few hours, stopping to sleep, and driving the rest of the way tomorrow. I so need this downtime right now. I so need to get away and just enjoy my time with Gameboy and J and CHILL....so on that note, I am going to sign off. I hope to be back for reals in a week and let ya'll know what's going on. Peace out!

Off to a Good Start....Sort of

2010-06-16T09:45:00.004-04:00

I had every intention of getting back to at least weekly blogging, but for some reason, that has not come to pass. To be honest, I forgot about it! LOL It wasn't until I received an email from a comment that I remembered. Sheesh.

What's going on in GC's world? Well, I just got over a nasty illness. Won't go into details for the TMI-squeamish crowd, but I needed antibiotics and I am finally back on my feet after spending days on the couch. The worst part of being sick is the guilt I feel about not being able to take care of things or the people in the house. It's an illness, and the reason I did not take care of myself when I first started with the symptoms. I feel so badly when I can't do for my son and husband. They rely on me, right? And I don't like to rely on anyone. But the pain became too much on Sunday and I finally called a doctor Monday morning. After two days of meds, I am back in action. And I managed to clean and do some laundry last night to assuage my guilt.

Speaking of guilt, I have not yet started my daily workout routine as instructed by the doctor to help get my levels regulated. Besides changing my diet (which I am SLOWLY doing, btw) I am supposed to walk or do some routine for at least 10 minutes a day. Her suggestion was to find something that my husband also found entertaining. Guess you can all guess what that was! LOL But she means walking, swimming, bike riding...you know, traditional exercise :) Gotta get on that.

Good news though is I did manage to lose weight with the small changes I have made thus far. So there is still hope for me! Haha.

There are many things that I still need to do. And for some reason, I have been dragging my feet doing them. I need to get a copy of Gameboy's records from his neurologist about the Asperger's. Then I need to meet with his school (who conveniently forgot all about me) and make sure his needs are addressed next year. I will also need to determine what steps I want/need to take with the school district. I am not sure an IEP is necessary, because academically he is doing great, but he seems to flourish with individualized testing. That may be something to push for.

I also need to have my foot looked at - the heel is really bothering me since I broke the ankle and I suspect some form of tendon damage. I just hobble around on it now since some days are way better than others. I know, I know. I need to do it.

I just can't motivate myself. You know what? I just want some real "downtime". You know, the time where nothing needs to be done, nothing goes wrong, nothing is expected of me. Just time to be. Just time to relax and enjoy the finer things in life. I am hoping that we will get that opportunity when we go to Michigan this year. Only a few more weeks! I can't wait. It will be awesome.

Well, better get back to what I am supposed to be doing. Hope all is well in your world! XoXo

Gameboy is SO literal

2010-06-08T10:34:00.001-04:00

"Gameboy, stop eating the candy!"
"But Mom, it's sooooo good. I can't help myself."
"I know baby, but it's not good for you. You have such a sweet tooth."
"Which tooth is that? The one on the side?"

Miss me?

2010-06-03T07:36:00.004-04:00

Hello world! I know that I have not posted in a bit, but life has been hectic. I think that loving married life is just not letting me get on line as much :)

On that note, some wonderful things and some not so wonderful things have happened. To spare you all the ugly details and just provide cliff notes:

The GOOD
1. Finally got Gameboy properly diagnosed. Asperger's Syndrome. I know this doesn't sound like good news, but it is. I can finally get him the right assistance at school and elsewhere.
2. MFE is enrolled in twice monthly therapy with Gameboy to work on their relationship! Whoo-hoo!
3. Married life is heavenly. I have really met my soul mate.
4. Work has settled down nicely and I finally see a light at the end of the long dark tunnel we have been dealing with for the past few years.
5. FINALLY made those doctors appointments and have been placed on anti-anxiety meds. Wonderful!

The BAD
1. Family drama is a drain on my good mojo. My mother's health is not so good, but worse is our relationship is very strained. I'm trying to make more of an effort though.
2. Haven't had my "Aunt Flo" since before I got married in October. Doc doesn't know why. Nothing looks out of whack. But, I am of "advanced age" so they are not surprised. Really? 42 is "advanced age"???? Since when??? But I don't miss it.
3. I'm turning 42 this July. Sigh.

The UGLY
1. I gained 50 pounds in the past year and am now considered "pre-diabetic". Doc is working with me to get the weight off and level off my blood sugars. Working well, but it's a bit of a PITA.
2. Broke off with a really good friend due to mental instability and general freakish behavior. Sad but necessary.
3. I'm turning 42 this July!!!!!!!!!!!!! AACK!!!!!!!

Ok, that's really it in a nutshell. But I'm working on a much cooler post. Promise :) Until then, be well my friends.

Christmas and Stuff

2009-12-21T10:20:00.002-05:00

Happy Holidays, Blog World! I have been notably absent from the blogging world for many reasons, the most prevalent being that my blogging time is down to nil since we are being "watched" at work. It's ok, though. Things are going better than they had been, so it's worth the effort.

However, there are some things that I must get off my chest. One, I am going insane. No, really. I started my descent into madness this past weekend, with my mind racing a million different directions and my emotions running amok. Not pleasant, folks. Add to this my back is STILL out of commission so I can't do anything, and you have one very unhappy GeekChick.

But there are positives too! I got tons of wrapping done and am half way through a hand crocheted scarf for a family friend. We had 23 inches of snow dumped on us this weekend, so Gameboy got to go out in the snow and play. He was happier than I have seen him in weeks! We went to a birthday party for a friend's son, and that was fun. Gameboy even played for the first 20 minutes. After that, he found a video game and that was all she wrote....

But even with all this "goodwill" and good feelings, I am totally NOT ready for the holiday. I had great plans to do things, go places with our newly formed family, see lights, etc...but it's not to be. My back being the worst offender. I had been hoping for relief since I really hurt it about 3 weeks ago, and have been seeing the chiropractor, but it's just not healing. I may have to see a back specialist. Sigh. Like I have time for this? Oh, and I have a 12 hour drive to Michigan next week. Fun! Thank goodness for heated seats, though. That should help...

For J and I, this is our first Christmas as husband and wife. Last year was wonderful and sweet, and I hope it can be that way again - even with my back being all cranky. Speaking of cranky, I have been in a major funk since this whole thing with my back began. I can't do any of the normal things I do for the holidays (like baking - can't bend) and I realized that I put on MAJOR weight in the past few months. That is complicating my back issues and making me feel less than wonderful about myself. Ok, I've been a miserable beeotch. People who have no weight issues would never understand it, but it is truly like a hell of your own creation that you cannot possibly save yourself from. Why not? Because you have to eat to live. Alcoholics can live without alcohol, but people addicted to eating can't live without food. It's really a heartbreak to live like this - and feel trapped like I do. And the worst of it is, my new hubby has to see me like this miserable slug that can't do anything to help herself. Hell, it even hurts to wipe my own butt! (Don't worry, haven't asked anyone to help me with THAT yet...) It makes *ahem* difficult, too, and that has been lacking lately. I know J doesn't blame me, but I can't help but feel like I am really unattractive to him, especially with my back being the way it is. We were at a birthday party this past weekend and my friend snapped a picture of me in a rocking chair while I was crocheting. I looked like a freaking whale! And my hubby even commented that I looked like Mrs. Claus. I have to say, I am still reeling from seeing myself like that - I had NO idea I had gotten that huge. And now I am totally self consious about it. I don't want to be the "fat happy girl" that everyone seems to think I am.

I gotta snap out of this. I know I will. It's just so hard. And to feel like this during the holidays is the worst. But it IS the holidays and I am getting into the Christmas spirit if it kills me! So, from me to you and yours - may you all have a wonderful holiday season. God Bless Us Everyone!

Giving It My All

2009-11-18T07:13:00.006-05:00

Despite the doom and gloom of the previous post, things are working out nicely with my new position. I am still in charge of processes, just not the people performing those processes. This could be a good thing. Or it would if our manager was stepping up the way we expected. He ain't. Still, when things come crashing down, all I have to do is throw my hands up and say - "NMP! You wanted me out, and look what happened." In a sick way, it's kind of gratifying to watch and know that I was the only piece holding it together. And that's not arrogant on my part. I seriously WAS holding it together, even if I resented having to do so because the people here can't seem to do it themselves. Either way, I am actually enjoying my new role, so that means I can seriously dedicate my time to the things I really enjoy - like Policies and Procedures. I know, it's a sickness really....

On the home front, things couldn't be better. J is the very BEST thing that has happened to me since the birth of my son. Having my two guys around and even having that alone time with J, I am in a near state of bliss.

I say "near" because there is still that elusive weight loss thing. I have actually lost again this week, and that makes me feel good. Considering that Aunt Flo has one foot in the door and is waiting to come crashing in, I'll take what I get. The only thing I have not done at this point is figure out how to get some serious exercise in. This weekend, J has a road trip on Saturday. I think I'll take that opportunity to NOT be lazy and finish cleaning up our new all purpose room. That would be the room that Gambeboy vacated for the smaller of the bedrooms. His near "Asperger's-ness" is rearing it's head again and he said he hated his old room because it was too big and didn't feel cozy to him. I kinda have to agree. It was a big room and was much too cavernous for him. He LOVES his smaller room and even chose to spend some time in it all by himself. That's a first. So, the bigger room is being made over into a multi-purpose room that will house my craft stuff (yarn, yarn, and more yarn), my sewing machine, the dinky elliptical I purchased and really don't use yet, the air hockey table, the rest of my vast wardrobe, and various sundry stuff that doesn't fit into the rest of the house. This gives you a very good idea of just how large this room is. It's too narrow to be the master bedroom (and 'sides, we like our room in the back of the house...more private...know what I mean, nudge, nudge), so it will do nicely to fit all those other things.

But, because we switched Gameboy's room last Sunday, I had hurt my back and it is just now getting back to normal. J proved his prince-charming status by cleaning up and getting dinner for me last night. And he massages my back like no one else ever did. That helped a lot. Hopefully I can be smart about cleaning up this time and get things done for real....

Thanks to DG, I have attempted once again to integrate FlyLady into my daily routine. This is not an easy thing for me - but I do spend my 10-15 minutes in each room when I get home from work so I can just keep up with the clutter and crap. Hey, that's a good line! I think I'll use that again...anyway, it's helping in many ways to keep my sanity and make me feel like I am actually doing what I can to keep a nice house for my guys. And I am starting to get Gameboy into it, too. He is going to be spending the first 15 minutes after school picking up the living room from the things he leaves in it daily. Heck, he's gotta earn that allowance somehow! LOL

Oh, and I have FINALLY started a new knitting project. I discovered that I wanted a shawl to go with my vintage dresses, so I found a pattern that looks vintage and I started it a few weeks ago. I only have about 15 rows done, but at least it is finally started. Now, to just find time to actually knit! LOL

Ok, kids, gotta run. TTFN!

Strange Things Are Afoot

2009-11-11T10:25:00.002-05:00

I don't know why, but it seems like I can't have all things in my life going well at the same time. Now that I am personally happy, with a great man and wonderful son, my professional life is taking a wicked hit.

First, let me give you some history. I have been with my company for 15 years. In that time, I have been a supervisor of billing (1 year), supervisor of help desk (6 years), special help desk analyst (after my maternity leave), EDI specialist, and finally EDI Supervisor (7 years). During that time, I have been seen as someone who can be counted on to get things done. Until now.

2 years ago, my mentor and the best boss I ever had left for another position cross country. The team I am supervising is not perfect, but we got things done. After Prior Boss's departure, things turned rather ugly. I was going through my divorce, was emotionally checked out, and struggling on a daily basis just to keep from having a nervous breakdown. That's when some rather unscrupulous people on my team decided that I was in their way and had to go. They began slowly, planting seeds of unrest amoung the rest of the team. A new boss was hired and they used that to voice their discontent to him, without going through me. New Boss discussed these things with me, and I would assure him that they are just trying to stir up trouble. Then New Boss is given new duties which he promptly embraces and ignores our team. I have no support, no direction, and am just trying to keep things status quo. The particularly venomous people on the team use this to stir up more trouble and to strengthen their own positions...

Then, the team complains to HR and I am subjected to a Leadership Review by my team, peers, and management. What follows is not so much a blood bath as I had expected, but a "loop hole" for the powers that be to force me out of my role. I was presented with the results (most being from the team) that stated that I was "in need of improvement" and HR says, "I'll be honest, it is extremely difficult to recover from this" and "Perhaps you aren't happy and need a new position" and "We can help you find something else". Well, what does that tell me? That they want gone. So I talk to my boss and determine that he, too, wants me to step out of my position and that he feels I am really valuable and if I wanted to stay, he would be happy to keep me. So, I decide that I like the work, and he was taking on the people part, so I would stay.

So, here's the wicked hit I referenced earlier...

There is one person on my team that is doing her damndest to make sure the team knows that she is being put into a place of power, and that I am being demoted. She has shared things with others on the team that she should not have, and she managed to get everyone on edge again. She is clearly poison, but the New Boss seems to think that she has merit for the team. When I found out that she is telling people that I am no longer supervisor (which has not been made official), well, that didn't sit well at all. On top of that, every conversation she has with the New Boss is related back to me to show me how valuable he thinks she is, how he values her opinion, and how he obviously relies on her (/sarcasm). And I am sick of it.

So, I met with New Boss and let him know what was going on. He is not happy, but I feel better now that he knows about it. I have to tread carefully, but I know that I will be damned if I will let someone weasel in behind and try to push me out anymore.

Newlywed

2009-11-05T11:02:00.003-05:00

Greetings! It has been 18 days since J and I tied the knot, and we are settling into married life. Funny, I don't feel any different. It feels like we have just had a huge cool party and things are still the same.

Except I now have a new name.

And a new driver's license (DMV in DE sucks, btw).

And have to change the umpteen places that my name exists. Really? If we have to have a single medical record system mandated by the government to occur by 2015, can't we have a single database that changes your name on things for you? Like, you go into social security, change your name, and that filters to your state forms, your federal forms, your bank account(s), your school records, your doctor's office, and so on...makes sense, right? Sigh. I know I will forget something and have to figure out how to change it way after the fact. But I guess that's part of the joy of getting a new name...

Speaking of wedded bliss, J has been in a funk lately. He has worked busy crazy hours, and I expected him to have some sort of "recoup" time. Problem is, he doesn't seem all that interested in alone time with me. I am a demanding partner, and so I am trying to temper my expectations with reality. Sometimes guys just don't want that "quality" time, right? Or maybe my needs are too much for him right now. Whatever the reason, I just feel so out of touch.

Add to that fact, the whole FB experience where I tried to engage people in FB conversations only to become totally ignored. And I do mean totally. I reply to people's statuses and don't get any replies to mine. I'm roundly ignored by friends, family, you name it. Oh well. FB is not the epitome of human existence. And I became quite addicted to it. So I'm trying an experiment. Give up the account for a week. Let's see how this goes. I don't know if I'll go through withdraw, but I always have this blog to post to if I feel the need to tell the internets what's happening with my chicken noodle soup or how I split the atom or something.....

Call me needy, but I sometimes need and crave people commenting to me so that I know that my inner fears of being invisible are really unfounded. Problem is, even when I go out looking for attention, I don't get it. That leads me down into a spiral of doubt and sadness. I don't want to be an attention whore, but I can't help it sometimes.

This leads me to my lack of sleep last night, my feeling like I am going to cry right now, and the wicked dream I had. It was such a weird day - J and I were off together, I wasn't feeling well, but I really needed him to pay attention to me. We managed some "alone time" in the morning, but after lunch we went to the DMV (scathing post on that to follow) and that literally sucked up the day. We went to the supermarket and then back home by 6:00. While J relaxed a little, I had to run to the store for a new pair of tweezers (don't ask, I was fixated on getting my brows done). When I got back, I did my brows and got into my PJs, thinking I would be getting some more snuggle time. Not so. J was in bed, covers on, and watching TV. I could tell that my little hints didn't work and I was highly disappointed. I ended up playing a video game until almost 10 p.m. where I found J snoring and was even more disappointed when I said to him that I needed his attention and all he did was apologize and roll back over to go to sleep. I practically had to beg for a good night kiss.

I cried myself to sleep.

Then I had this dream:

I was driving home from work in a frenzy. Gameboy was being picked up by his father from school, and I wanted to get home a little early to put together a nice romantic meal for J and I. When I get to the house, J's car is in the drive. I think, "Oh, he's trying to surprise me! How sweet." And I jump out of the car and run into the house. But the house is dark and for some reason smells like mold. I run through a long hall (as the house suddenly becomes really HUGE) getting excited to see my sweetie. As I get closer to the closed door at the end of the hall, I hear sounds coming from it, deep moaning and gasping sounds. I hear the bed squeaking. I throw the door open to find J in bed with some tall, gorgeous, thin red-head. Instead of screaming and throwing a fit, I can't breathe. I slowly back out of the room while they are still going at it, and just quietly close the door. I end up in a room that is dark and made of cinder block - with water dripping somewhere. I sit alone in the room crying, while I hear the sounds from the room echoing through the house....

When I woke up, J's arm was casually draped over me in sleep. I pushed his arm off, half disgusted, half fearful to wake him. I really just want to feel confident and comfortable like I did before - why can't I? It was 2 a.m. and I was staring at the wall wondering if I should get up and sleep elsewhere or just stay there and try to get back to sleep. Since I was tired, I stayed there, but it was uncomfortable. I eventually fell back asleep, but I was haunted by the dream. I still have this feeling this morning - that I am invisible.

I am sure some of it is coming from changes happening at work and my feeling like I am being easily and summarily dismissed from the good things I have done for my team. Another part of it is hormones. But when you have to beg your man for attention only 2 weeks after your wedding, it tends to lead to doubts, you know?

Gearing Up

2009-10-27T13:47:00.006-04:00

Ever since the hubby went to the "Gentleman's Club" for his bachelor party, I have been obsessing on stripper music. Why? Well, for one, I have a fascination with the women that can do that kind of thing for a living. First, they have to be in incredible shape to be able to work the pole (and I mean that literally, not figuratively) and pull themselves up in the air. Second, they have no problem walking around near naked. We all know that GeekChick CANNOT do this due to her weight, and that kinda makes me wonder how a woman can feel so comfortable with herself that she is not afraid to show off all that skin. I mean, really! In the bedroom is one thing. But in front of all those guys leering at them? Not so much. But they clearly have no issue with it. I'm just so intrigued. Some may call them "ho's" or "trash", but it takes a real special ego to prance around near-nekkid like that and not feel all self-conscious and stuff. How do they not compare themselves to each other and feel they may be lacking? I know I would at this point. Third, the music is something that I can groove to. I like all kinds of music, but the kind that strippers use is a bit more provocative. It actually titillates me. Call me a freak (as others have done), but I am turned on by strippers. Not the thought of them crawling all over my hubby, mind you, but I am actually over that now.

Really.

Now I am even more motivated to get into shape. Not for J, not for others, but for me, so that I can feel comfortable and free in my skin the way these women are. I doubt I'll ever be able to walk around in killer heels (broken ankle and tendon damage, don't cha know). Nor will I be able to swing up in the air on a pole holding my weight with nothing but my arms. But what I CAN do is get myself to a healthy range so I can feel good about it. And wear cute clothes. And not look at other women as a threat.

Anyway, I found a plethora of info on the web for what music women use for pole dancing and stripping. Itunes actually has "essential" play lists dedicated to this music. And, I was able to get quite a bit of it. And, here's the coolest - they have stripping videos for EXERCISE! How about that? Learn to be sensual and get in shape at the same time. Too cool! I must have led a really sheltered life to now know about this stuff.

So watch out world! GeekChick is on a mission, and we all know a woman with a mission is a force to be reckoned with!

Things To Do

2009-10-26T07:47:00.002-04:00

Week 1 of married life has passed and all I can say is, it's SO much better than the first time around. J and I are so sympatico that we can finish each other's sentences and even think the same exact things from time to time. We had an awesome weekend, treating it like a mini-honeymoon, and it was really wonderful. Didn't even mind having to pick up Gameboy a bit early (he was happy to be home, too).

This weekend, J and I decided that we needed to do a few things around the house as well. We are changing the family room over to a "man cave" of sorts. We moved the home computer into that room, and the video games. We are slowly putting up bar signs and bar stuff to make it feel like a real cave. Eventually, we'll even put on a real door :)

Gameboy decided that he wanted the smaller bedroom, instead of the nice, large bedroom he had. It seems that he is easily scared at night, and the smaller room offers more of a "cozy" feeling to him (his words!). So, we cleaned out more stuff and moved his mattress and boxspring in there. Slowly we will move over his dressers and clothes. It gives me the opportunity to weed out clothes and toys that no longer are in use. And it's also making me realize that my son has some "issues" that point more and more to Asperger's Syndrome and not so much to ADHD.

Speaking of which, his teacher is clueless as to how to handle ADHD. We had a parent/teacher conference and the praise settled on how Gameboy is a sweet kid and very loving, but is hard to keep on task and is highly distractable. You don't say? Seriously, I had to offer her some suggestions! It was weird to say the least. As a long time teacher, I had hope she encountered kids like this before and had something to offer. Nope. Also, it turns out that Gameboy doesn't play with ANYONE at school. This makes me incredibly sad. How do I get him to make friends with them? He had 2 friends but when I questioned him last night, he said they annoy him and he stopped playing with them. I am at a loss. Play dates didn't seem to work. He refuses to go. Then there's going to karate - he wants to quit. I will not allow my son to become a recluse, so I am forcing him to keep going. It's really frustrating.

Back to the house stuff - we are going to turn Gameboy's room into the true play room and craft room. That way, we can close the door on the toys/mess! LOL Only half kidding on that one. We want a guest room, and it's a big enough room to have a bed and the air hockey table and a few things so it should be good. I'll be working on that a little every night, gutting the room and putting it back together. I also have to move the stuff in the smaller room out to make way for the rest of Gameboy's furniture. It should work out great, and he is so happy with his new room, he slept in it all night! It was quite nice to see he is comfortable with this change. Also, since his old room was bigger, it was also usually colder. So it's a win all around.

I have been hoping to start a new knitting project, but I haven't been able to get to it with all the wedding stuff and now the house flop. I will hopefully start a new shawl for my vintage dress sometime this month. We'll see. The month is almost out!

Have a great one!

The Fugly Stepsister; A Modern Fairy Tale, Version 2

2009-10-14T14:26:00.008-04:00

A little time ago, in a kingdom not so far away, there lived a fugly stepsister. Her sisters never mocked her for her fugliness, but she felt in her heart that they pitied her. Her only solace from her self-loathing was in her fiber arts. With only two needles and some wool, she was able to spin lovely adornments that were highly sought after by many in the kingdom.

She watched as her sisters each went onto an amazing journey, returning with a radiant glow about them. They found inner happiness and were able to smile and laugh, sing and dance. The fugly stepsister could not understand what it was that they had discovered. She became secretly bitter and angry. Her heart longed for the key to the song that the sisters sang. She foolishly believed that the song orginated from their respective princes. So she found someone that she could pretend was a prince to see if that unlocked the song. It did not. In fact, it made the fugly stepsister even more angry and bitter. Her very soul started to shrivel. Then, the most wonderful miracle happened. The fugly stepsister gave birth to the most gorgeous of babies. The Handsome Son was the toast of the fake prince's family and for a time, the fugly stepsister felt that they were actually accepting her. But, as the Handsome Son grew, it was more and more obvious that her in-laws were not really "family". They tolerated her, nothing more. This hurt the fugly stepsister and she began to look harder at the sham of a marriage she had created. She also realized that she had not even yet discovered the wonderful song. In a burst of self-realization, the fugly stepsister decided to be true to what she felt was the honest course of action. The resulting chaos was difficult and painful. She prayed often that it would end and that she would be spared the agony of watching those she loved suffer from her choices. She retreated back into her shell, not allowing even those closest to her to know the true desire in her heart - to sing the song. If she could find the melody, she knew she would sing it forever. But she was afraid. What if she never finds the song? What if she fails, yet again, to understand the true nature of it's origin? What if she found the song, but realized that she couldn't sing it?

One day, the fugly stepsister decided that she no longer wanted to live in the shadow of her own fear and anger. She decided to set off on her own wonderful adventure...

She encountered lots of Ogres in her search for a real prince. She suffered bouts of loneliness, fear, anger, and heartbreak. But she decided that she needed to push through the pain. Her heart didn't sing, but it wasn't dead, either. It was not such a burden as she had thought - getting through the walls she had built up around herself. She started slow, letting one person in at a time. Lo and behold, the Stepsister found herself with many more friends, and much more confidence. Slowly, she began to hear music. A very faint tune that she could not place.

One day, the Stepsister was befriended by a man, who appeared to be a pauper. Poor as poor can be, he had a light within him that would permeate the darkness around him. He needed some help in recognizing his light, so she would give him guidance and friendship. Slowly, he began to see the beauty he offered. Their friendship grew.

Then in the fall, on a carriage ride through the orchard, the stepsister discovered that her heart was singing and that the song was the same that came from the man. She was astounded to hear the song playing in her ears, in her eyes, and in her soul. She could not stop the music anymore than she could stop from breathing. It was loud, sweet, and enveloped her in a warmth and peace she had never known. The song was so melodic, it made her cry. His song was so strong, she drowned in it's sweetness.

And finally, she realized, that her pauper was really a prince. A prince with such wealth and fortune that she was unable to quantify it. Finally, she had found the song to her happiness. And in the discovery, found that she truly was beautiful after all.

Wedding is Looming

2009-10-14T13:49:00.003-04:00

4 days to the wedding, y'all!

Yes, you read that right. 4 days!

Not that I'm really excited or anything :) Ok, maybe a little....ok, A LOT.

Anyway, I was looking back on some older posts that I had written and found this one about J and I in the beginning....

"I know I said it before, but putting this in "Mr. Baseball" terms, this relationship has come out of left field. J has added so much to my life and I have to say, I am so grateful he did not run screaming the other direction when met the first time. Normally, a guy would never meet me unless I was fully made up and had on my best skinny jeans. Not so on our first meeting, I was in my bum clothes, no make up, and my hair was all wild and curly. Not that it would have mattered. We were just friends, after all. I told him everything - even about Mr. HKwho? and the guys I was meeting online. He knew about my crazy ex (he has one too) and about the struggles I faced getting my divorce. As we compared notes we discovered that we had "parallel lives". So many things we went through in our lives were similar. I relied on him for his perspective into the insanity when it hit me, and I tried to offer the same steady viewpoint when his life was nutty.
I can't pinpoint why it changed when it did. All I know is, I knew the moment it happened. I felt it. It was a real, tangible shift in my perspective. Like a moment when you are coming out of a dark tunnel.
J makes me feel special. He helps me get back up when I am down. He allows me to be me, and doesn't make me feel inferior (aside from losing at baseball, but I digress...). I am so lucky to have met him and that he decided to take a risk and supercede our friendship to ask me out on a date. It's still very new for us. We are taking it slow. But with the friendship as our groundwork, I feel closer to him than I have ever felt to any man in my life before. Ok,now I probably scared him off :) But I have to be honest. Actually, he knows all this. I am just trying to put into words how amazing it is that this clicked at all. It's true, when you least expect it, you get it.
Ok, enough of that. I am feeling really warm and fuzzy today. I think I'll go hug a tree - when it stops raining, that is...."

That was only a year ago. And here I sit and ponder how life's little twists and turns lead us to the road we were meant to be on. I wish everyone could feel loved as I feel loved, feel the wonderful connection that goes with it. I think the world would be a much better place.

To J - I love you. Those three words that I uttered to you 356 days ago by accident have become prophetic. I cherish my life with you, and I am so honored to be your wife.

What Would YOU Do?

2009-10-09T11:03:00.003-04:00

I posted a couple of days ago about the bachelor party and how it really got to me. I wanted to deal and just get over it already, but I was having a really, really, really tough time. Still have a hard time, but I had a big melt down last night and poor J had to bring me down from the edge. He did a pretty good job of it, and I felt TONS better after our dialogue. I asked him to tell me everything, and I trust now that I know exactly what happened. Although some people would say not knowing is probably better, I would totally disagree. To me, knowing the truth is the easiest way to get over it. I lived with lies and deceipt before and I learned from it. Even if the truth hurts, it is better to deal with it at that moment and move on...

So I got the truth last night. And boy, did it hurt! Think about this ladies - your man is in a strip club with a mostly naked woman grinding on top of him and pushing her well-formed teats in his face. How would you feel?

I can't imagine you would feel good about this. In fact, I defy anyone to tell me that they have NO visceral reaction to this thought. Even a tiny pang of jealousy? Even a bit of a "Hands off, bitch. That's MY man!" reaction? Anyway, I'm interested to know what would go through your mind. Not because it would change how I feel, but maybe give me a bit more insight into my (over)reaction and it's consequences.

Here is what I am struggling with in this scenario:
1. My ego is hurting. My self esteem is at an all time low after this scenario. I have always felt deficient because of my weight, and I try to do something about it, and it never works for me. To have to know that these chicks with their perfect bodies were getting it on with my guy is the biggest kick in my gut you can imagine.

2. My space has been invaded. My sexual relationship with J is the most incredible that I have ever experienced. Never had a lover like him. And now I had to "share" him with two women that are using their bodies for the sole purpose of getting a guy hot and bothered (and possibly getting him off)...my personal territory has been defiled. They TOUCHED him, and by nature of their performance on him, he was touching them. Ouch.

3. I can't compete with them. All my life, I have lived in the shadow of the "pretty" ones, the "hot bodies", the "desirable ones". I have always been lacking, and mostly invisible to men. They, on the other hand, have what every guy wants and more. What's a non-hottie to do? It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to eat anymore. I am my own worst enemy and I know it. Still, even if I lost all the weight I want to, I would NEVER be like them - beautiful, hot, sexy. I fooled myself all these years into believing that I would if I lost the weight. Nope. Maybe with plastic surgery, and someone else's face. It's really a hard thing being the ugly duckling in the family, folks. I've tried to hide it over the years, but that's what it comes down to. Which is why I try make up for it in personality.

4. He enjoyed it. Here's where it is the hardest for me to swallow all this - seriously. I would have to be stupid to think that any man wouldn't enjoy a hot body crawling all over him (paid for or not), and I am not stupid. I am also not as naive as I used to be - having seen for my self what a lap dance is all about. But to know that he was enjoying another woman arousing him sets me over the edge. And makes me feel threatened and jealous....And I feel bad about feeling bad. 'Cause I don't want to J to feel guilty or bad - this was his bachelor party, after all. And I know he feels bad because he's faced with my reaction to all this...which is a circular issue because then I feel worse because I made him feel bad...and so on, and so on, and so on...

So, it's been a real internal battle. And only 9 days to our wedding. I need to resolve this for myself asap so I can move on and just let things wash over me. I know in my heart that J didn't intend to hurt me, that he never imagined I would react this way, and that he didn't go to "get off". In fact, I had to give him some background info because he couldn't have been aware of my lifelong struggle with feeling inferior. So in many ways, this was an eye opening experience for him. But not one that I really wanted him to have.

God, this really sucks.

10 Days and Counting

2009-10-08T09:40:00.001-04:00

I’m getting married in 10 days.

Yup, 10 days.

OMG!!!!!!

Ok, deep breath. There, that feels better. I am just about ready. Have a few things that need to be done before the big day. At least most of what I wanted done is complete. The only thing I don’t have done is figuring out how to decorate the backstop behind home plate. Or even if I should. Hmmmmmm.

Another thing to work on is trying to integrate Gameboy into the ceremony. This is his wedding too, in a sense. We want to make something special happen, but we are not sure what or how that will work. The officiate is very open to ideas. Just have to get something figured out.

Sorry for the choppy update – VERY busy! Hope all is well in your world. Check back as we get closer to see me freak some more….

What She Discovered Recently

2009-10-06T10:45:00.002-04:00

Howdy y'all! I'm on the countdown to the wedding - t minus 12 days - and I am having quite the time of it.

See, J's bachelor party (hosted by my brother, btw) was Saturday and I have to admit to a bit of a meltdown. Ok, more than a bit. I freaked. I freaked before he went because I didn't know what my brother was planning and I imagined all kinds of deplorable behavior. And I hate being kept in the dark. What bugged me most was that I was kept in the dark despite the fact that J knew what was being planned for my bachelorette. I felt like I should have known about his then. Not so, according to my brother. So I stewed, completely in the dark and thinking the worst.

When Friday came, I was morose, depressed, and really angry. I wasn't blaming J, but I secretly wanted him to stand up to my brother and tell him that I should know something. I totally trust J and didn't believe he was going out to get laid or anything. I knew that he wouldn't go to any extreme that would jeapordize our relationship if it ever came to light. But I still had all these fears and anxieties about the whole thing. Why did he need to go out and ogle other women, nekkid ones at that? That just didn't seem right.

Then a friend of mine at work put it this way - "Did you ever go to the mall and look at dresses and shoes you were never going to buy?" (For me, it's more like purses, but yes, I see the point). So this was similar to guys going out and "looking" and not buying. Well, ok. That's a bit more palatable. Still, it really got into my brain and wouldn't let go. The thought of some nekkid woman crawling all over my man makes me ill.

Then my friend (who is a guy) says to me, "You know this is your self-esteem acting this way."

Ummm, yeah. My self-esteem is still not where I would like it to be. In the past year, I put on 50 pounds and I am really down about it. I'm just not feeling like I am at my best. And then comes a party where my fiance is being taken to a strip club where dozens of nekkid perfect bodies (yes, I know some of them are plastic) are prancing around and rubbing him with their butts and breasts. Not an ideal situation in my brain. So here we are 3 days later and I am still dwelling on the thoughts of my man being aroused by these women and getting all hot and bothered by them. I can't seem to shake the idea that there is something I am lacking for him to go and find that enticing. I am dogged by the constant notion that I am just not pretty or sexy enough. And I am scared. Scared that after finding the perfect one, if I don't fulfil his every desire, he might look elsewhere (like my ex did).

Pre-wedding jitters? Maybe. All I know is that I am getting married and need some confidence in myself right now - and thinking about my fiance in another woman's arms is throwing me over the edge....

Oh, and I haven't been to a mall to "look at other dresses and shoes" in years. Just sayin'.

Why My Son is Awesome

2009-09-29T07:10:00.002-04:00

Being sick sucks, and I seem to get sick when I am stressed. It's no secret that I am a highly emotional person. So that means I tend to stress myself out...A LOT. These days, the stress is kinda good - wedding plans, working on a new position at work, and finally straightening out my finances. But it is still stress and it still affects me the same way. Hence, I am sick again.

It's a bit of nausea, a bit of stomach cramping, and a whole lot of fatigue. I am just plain worn out these days.

Yesterday, I got home from work and promptly changed into jammies and laid on the couch. I was lying there for only a few moments when Gameboy comes up to me and gently strokes my hair. He didn't say a word. Then, he leans over and kisses my forehead and says, "Don't worry, Mommy, I'll take care of you."

Can it get any better than that, folks?

Nevermind that immediately after he pitched a fit because we wouldn't order out for pizza (despite the fact that J was making a pizza for dinner). Nevermind the fact that he threw a real tantrum because I wanted him to finish his homework before we ate (but he did finish it soon after we ate). The simple gesture really touched me and I was able to quickly let those other things go.

Until he asked for ice cream just as I was getting up to go to bed...but that isn't important right now.

My son is awesome. And that's all there is to it.

Hello? Is this thing on?

2009-09-25T12:34:00.006-04:00

Oh my, where to begin? It's been 3 months since I blogged last? REALLY? Hmmmmm, something is definitely amiss when I can't even remember the last time I blogged.

Whew! Where to begin? It's been a CRAZY summer and I have tons of updates. So, I'll give you the short version.

Top Ten Things That Happened to GeekChick This Summer

10. Fought the urge to hire big guns against MFE and decided to let things play out. As a result, MFE completed his anger management course in due order. GameBoy now actually enjoys his time with his so-called father. And J and I get a couple of much needed kid-less days and nights together.

9. Had some MAJOR issues with people at work. My team was falling apart and I was powerless to stop it. Most of them turned against me (despite the fact that I held them together through 2 management changes) and tried to blame my ineffective supervision as the reason that they were turning on each other and fighting, clawing for power, and just down right miserable. When our HR department asked me if I was happy in my position, I had to say emphatically, "NO way Jose!" As a result, we are planning a reorg which will include the manager directly supervising the "people" part of the team and I will manage processes. Very nice.

8. Had an epiphany about the junk in my house. Time to clear out and simplify. I looked at the stuff piled up in different rooms and decided that now was the time to act. So far, have managed to clear out a few things. The goal is to have an actual GUEST ROOM (gasp!) and reclaim use of the family room.

7. Had my 41st birthday. And that's all I want to say about that.

6. Finally saw my doc about my anxiety/mood swings/manic episodes around certain times of the month. The diagnosis - PMDD. I am now on a little blue pill for the two weeks leading up to Aunt Flo. It's ok, but I want the pill for EVERY DAY. In any case, it does help, so progress....

5. Went camping with the family. It was AWESOME. My incredibly AWESOME sis, DG, allowed us the use of her mini-van and J and I took BugBoy and GameBoy camping for a long weekend for the family reunion. It was so good, we want to do it every year. We will balance it out against going back to MI to visit the family there.

4. My Grandmother, Iron Peg, died in August. We had advance notice that she was deteriorating, so I was able to see her before she went. I thanked her for her support and love, and made sure she knew that we were all going to be ok. It was even more heartbreaking to have the family divide up her things. It was necessary, and I am glad that just about everything went to a good home, but it was so hard nonetheless.

3. Participated in the "Mayberry Community Yard Sale" with my awesome sis, DG. J and I were able to unload most of the furniture. Thank goodness. Helpful for the clearing-out that I am currently trying to do.

2. Went to DC with J the first weekend of August, where we decided on the biggest thing to happen this summer....

And that would be...

1. J and I are getting married! Yes, you read that correctly. We proposed to each other in DC (very romantic, btw) and promptly set about a date. We are not much for waiting (with me being in advanced years and all), so after some false starts, we decided on October 18th....of THIS YEAR. That makes GeekChick one crazy chick, but hey, what's a little more stress in my life? LOL Seriously, folks, J and I are insanely happy and he is my Ying as I am his Yang...well, that doesn't sound right, but you get the idea. I have never imagined such a perfect match in all my life. He isn't judgemental, tempermental, or going mental. He is calm, kind, loving and oh-so-supportive. And he is probably going to read this, so I won't embarrass him any more.

The wedding will be taking place before the end of the season game for his vintage baseball team. We are even dressing in period appropriate clothing. Oh, it's gonna be a kick! I even have (GASP!) yarn on my needles again.

Yes, things are looking good in GeekChick's world right now. And I am enjoying every moment! Later Gators!

On Hiatus

2009-07-22T06:39:00.002-04:00

Due to issues at work, I am unable to post during the day. And I don't have time when I get home from work. So, this blog has been quiet - ok, ok, dead. But I hope to return real soon. In the meantime, get out and enjoy your summer!

Oh, and to those that responded to my last post - thank you. The email spurred MFE to return to counseling, so that in itself was worth it.

Blocked No More

2009-06-22T14:38:00.005-04:00

This weekend, I received the "document" that MFE was supposed to give me a month ago. It shows he only attended 2 sessions of "therapy". That somehow tapped a nerve deep within me and gave me a surge of energy and rage. I cleaned, forced J to help me rip up a carpet and lay down a new one, rearranged furniture, and even did some laundry! I was on a mission. It seems that righteous anger has done much for me these days....and it even spurred me to write this:

_________________________________________

To MFE,
Thank you for the documentation that you delivered to me on June 21st to show that you enrolled in an anger management program. I see from the dates, however, that you have not attended since May 19th, and in fact, only attended 2 sessions. As we discussed this last week, I wanted to follow up and determine what your intent may be. I reviewed the agreement we signed on April 22nd against this information and I agree that (1) the agreement does not specify any specific number of sessions; (2) any court will likely view the "4 months" language to mean at least 8 sessions. Based on this information, I wanted to determine if you intended to return to the agreed upon therapy, or if you plan to adhere to the assumption that you are not bound to attend any specific number of sessions. My actions will further be determined by your response and your willingness to work with me to complete the agreement that was made between us and filed with the courts.

Also, I wanted to inform you that I will be filing a modified visitation agreement with the court to make official the current schedule of 3 hours per week with no overnight visits, as per Gameboy’s therapist’s direction. We will continue with this modified visitation and once Gameboy’s therapist suggests a new schedule, I will file that with the court as well. I wish to avoid any miscommunication about this issue, as I am sure you would agree.

Further, I am finding that the struggle to get Gameboy to comply with your visitation is becoming more and more anxiety ridden for him. He becomes angry and morose when I attempt to have him dress for your visit. I asked him why and he expressed that he did not want to see you. I will no longer be forcing him to visit with you if he expresses anxiety about it. I feel that it is not in Gameboy’s best interests to extend the stress and anxiety that he displays. If this is the case on his visitation night of Wednesday or Thursday, I will give you notice that we should try another night.

Please reply in email what your intentions are surrounding the therapy. I am hoping to resolve this issue quickly and without legal intervention.

_____________________________________

How's that for creative juices flowing? Yup, I'm BACK!

Bored?

2009-06-18T07:00:00.008-04:00

Well, not really. I'm in that "so-stressed-out-I-can't-function" mode. I have found that I can rouse my butt to get to work, do what is necessary to make it through the day, go and get Gameboy and run him to his events, then get home and...

CRASH

Nothing

Nada

My brain is on hyper drive so much daily that by the time I walk into my domestic haven called a domicile, I am ready for mind-numbing nothingness.

It's been like this for at least 2 weeks. I am sure the overcast skies and continual rain don't help. I am also sure that Aunt Flo is late by at least the same 2 weeks. Coincidence? I think NOT. Still, it's really hard for me to focus on getting laundry done or doing the really difficult task of making a reasonable dinner. And don't tell me it's depression. It ain't. I know it is caused by the stress of MFE being a buttwad, my team at work turning against me and acting like I am SUDDENLY the worst supervisor ever (even though they were singing my praises just a short month or so ago), and Gameboy having such major anxiety and anger issues that he requires therapy. Seriously, I am at my wit's end. I am not sleeping well, either. I toss and turn and wake up several times a night with my mind racing faster than the Zephyr. And you wonder why I turn to the Captain from time to time? LOL If it weren't for J and his rock-solidness, I would crumble into a heap of babbling and drooling self pity.

So, I am not really bored. What I am is out of diversions to give me a break. Knitting isn't doing it for me (GASP! The HORROR!), TV is controlled by Gameboy, can't shop because I have no money, and it's freaking raining like we live in Seattle or something so I can't get out and DO something. In return, I have taken to spending mindless hours on the internets. Nothing of excitement, just trolling around looking for something that puts my brain into it's happy place. So far, haven't found it.....

Luckily, J comes home and I am suddenly into more *ahem* interesting diversions...

Speaking of which - it's probably saying too much (and if you aren't into TMI, you may want to stop reading here), but I'm gonna say it because that's just how I roll....the *ahem* is AMAZING! I can't help but want to shout it to the world because in my long 40 years, I have never been so happy with *ahem* or my own sexuality. J makes me feel so special and so loved. That opened the inner pron star in me :) I know, I know, but I did warn you. If you are still reading, then just know that I can't understand how people can go weeks, months, even YEARS, without *ahem*. They need to find the perfect person to unleash the freak within. Growing up I was taught (thank Stoic Catholicism for that) that *ahem* is bad, evil, or at least goes unspoken. Why? What is the purpose? *Ahem* between two committed adults in a loving and giving relationship is the most beautiful thing. Maybe that's what I discovered about myself with J - there is so much love there that I have become somewhat addicted to him and his ability to make me feel like I am beautiful, special, the only other person on earth. Truly a unique and gifted man :) So thanks J - if not for you, I would be sitting in a white padded room banging my head on the floor while rambling on and on about nothing in particular...

Distress

2009-06-15T07:15:00.004-04:00

Like I need more drama in my life. So I was following up with MFE on the form that he was supposed to provide when he started his anger management therapy. I asked him for it again on Wednesday, only to find out that he was no longer attending. So he is in violation of our agreement that we signed stating that he would attend 4 months worth of sessions. Right. On top of that, he doesn't have the form. I threatened again to take him to court, and I called his lawyer. Per his lawyer, there is no required number of sessions to attend. I disagreed since the agreement clearly stated he attend 4 months worth of sessions. Even if he did one every month, that would satisfy the agreement. MFE did 3 in 90 days and stopped. I realized as the lawyer was talking that I was rooked, and now I am pissed. MFE states he has no time for therapy. He's too busy. He has too much going on. I reminded him that Gameboy's therapist will not see them together until he has completed a significant number of sessions. He didn't care. I then stated that it was on him to make this work. I am DONE trying to make him into a father. They are both scum and should burn in hell for being so blase about my son's future relationship with his dad.

I have been pondering this long and hard all weekend (which I made longer by taking Friday off due to the mounting tensions at work and the stress I have been under). I have come to the determination that I am DONE, DONE, REALLY DONE with MFE. I am not going to file anything against him. If he doesn't want a relationship with his son, so be it. If he hurts him again, I will file the PFA and not discuss a damn thing with his lawyer. Let him defend the snake in court. Let him weasel his way out of it if he can.

What I am going to do is continue to inform MFE of what Gameboy is doing. I will also continue to relate the counselor's recommendations to MFE through email. I will not talk to him by phone. I will not talk to him at all. When he wants Gameboy, I will make sure he gives me 24 hours notice or he doesn't get him. I have yet to hear of any vacation plans (the agreement states he has to give it to me in writing by the end of April or he doesn't have him when he wants him). So I am guessing he isn't taking him. Which is actually a good thing. At this point, the therapist doesn't want Gameboy to go with his dad overnight. In fact, he is limited to 3 hours at a time once a week. Sigh. I don't know how long this will last, but it is very upsetting. I will be speaking to Gameboy's counselor tomorrow night and I'll find out from her what is best for my boy.

One strongly worded letter to MFE to follow....

7 Pounds

2009-06-06T08:44:00.000-04:00

No, not the tear-jerking depressing Wil Smith movie - this number represents a week's worth of returning to the folds of the low-carb way of eating. I FINALLY realized that my gain in girth was not good (ha! how's that for alliteration?)and kicked myself into gear. It didn't hurt that we have a "Loser's Club" bet going at work where I could stand to win $320! Yeah, money motivates me, what of it?

Any way, I have lost 7 pounds this week, and it feels good. That without exercising really, because my ankle is still unable to handle walking for extended periods of time. But, what I was able to see is that my stomach area has shrunk. I will be taking measurements to track my progress with that too. I feel really good about it. And I brought out the arm weights at work so I can do some stuff while on break or conference calls. Gonna do it...I am trying to get into a certain white dress in a year or so....

WTF, Revisited

2009-06-05T14:00:00.003-04:00

Ok, must still be battling hormones, because in an instant today, my full on freakout mode returned. I had another lovely post planned, but decided to ditch it when I received an email from GB's teacher. She "noticed" that GB is not wearing the regulation uniform and stated that for the final week of school they are required to be properly dressed. I immediately felt my chest constrict, my breathing shallow, and small veins popping on the side of my head. WTF she "noticed"??? I sent in a note to her 2 weeks ago that he had suddenly outgrown his uniforms and I was looking for replacement pieces. I found a couple of shorts at Target, but they were all out of his size and style. I found a pair of pants. I hemmed them. The freaking problem is that I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY and I have to now buy him uniform pants/shorts that cost FARGING TOO MUCH. Seriously, the shorts from the uniform company are $22!!!! Walmart has a similar pair for $12. Target has them for $10 (but they aren't available for another 6-8 weeks). So what am I supposed to do, sell my freaking blood to buy the shorts??? I ended up ordering a pair from Walmart just for next week. I overnighted them. They came to $18 after shipping was applied. I'm ok with this, because if I ordered them from the FARGING uniform company, they would cost $35 with shipping.

So, the reason I am freaking - I realized recently that I am in debt up to my eyeballs and beyond...and there is no way out. I am NEVER going to dig out of this hole. And it sucks, y'all. I had wanted desperately to believe that once I was divorced, that it would all work out for the better. Well, it sort of did, but not financially. My credit is in the toilet since I am still showing as responsbile on the exes house, as well as various loans he took out in both our names. Not to mention the fact that when I divorced, I nearly doubled my credit card debt because I needed things instantly and didn't have the money for them.

I can hear the lectures coming now. Seriously, keep them to yourself. I had to do what I had to do at the time. The thing is, I realized that I screwed up and now I have only the one credit card, which I WILL NOT USE. It needs to be paid off and that's all there is to it.

So here I sit. Feeling like EVERYONE and their brother is trying to bleed me dry. And now this teacher gets on her high and mighty horse and lectures me on having the proper attire for the FARGING last week of school? WTF? Give me a break, lady. I'm doing the best I can.

For Once, I'm NOT Speechless

2009-06-04T08:03:00.011-04:00

So, lots going on, and to be completely frank, I have not had the energy or desire to post a blog entry. Why? Ummmm.... Lazy and lack of subject matter. Ok, that's a lie. Tons of stuff is happening, but I don't possess the fortitude of wit to make it entertaining for y'all. So, I will just roll it out as...

GeekChick's Top Ten Reasons She Is Not Blogging
well, that's an odd title, because this IS a blog entry...but I digress...

10. Pure exhaustion has overtaken me and I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed.
9. Doods, hormones!
8. I am running all over the greater Northern Delaware area on a daily basis for therapy appointments, karate, cat stuff, and baseball.
7. Somewhere, somebody is sleeping and I am deeply jealous.
6. I have to pack up all my MK stuff and ship it back to the company.
5. I get lost on the internets when I log in to check my FB page.
4. There's enough laundry to make DG's pile look like a foothill.
3. My ankle is still messed up and I am forced to rest it at least for an hour a day.
2. Gameboy is quite demanding of my time these days and my energy level is waning.

And the number one reason I am not blogging.....

1. J moved in and I am still getting accustomed to having him there every night!

Ok, so J moving in is a good thing, right? Of course it is. But I am finding that I would much rather sit with him on the couch than do aforementioned laundry, or dishes, or clean, or vacuum, or...you get the picture. Not only that, but there is TONS of clearing out to do by next weekend when we were planning on moving his extra furniture into the garage. I will HAVE to hold a yard sale for some of the furniture items (cause I have TONS of yard sale stuff piled up in my garage anyway and I want to make some money from it). Add to that fact the need to clear out the office, I still have SIX freaking cats in my house, and I have tons of paperwork to clear up for the summer camp, and you have one cranky GeekChick on your hands....or on J's hands...poor J.....

In other news:

Gameboy has friends again in the neighborhood! It's great to have them come and play with him. He needs the social time so badly. He even had a play date with a school friend this past weekend. That's progress!

My mom is in the hospital and I am....resigned. That's probably not what you expected to hear from me considering, but it is the best word to describe how I feel. I think I have finally come to the understanding that she is mentally ill (yeah, slow learner, that's me....) and have to accept her as she is. I miss my mom. She is having a glut of testing done, but is improving. The diagnosis is leaning toward a stroke. We'll know more as the tests come out. Still, it really scared me when I realized that she was so badly off - and that I may miss that opportunity to reconcile myself with her illness. So, no time like the present.

I had a major freak out this past weekend as well. It highlighted my hormonal issues and the fact that I had not dealt with them at all. I had promised to call the doc many moons ago. Well, I finally did it. I made an appointment...for July! But, I asked to be put onto a cancellation list. At this point, I will drop all to deal with this mess. I know it is hormone related because it only happens the week before Aunt Flo arrives and it magically clears up right before the cramps set in. Coincidence? I think not! Anyway, because J is now living with me, and since my freak out started Friday, he was subjected to the worst of it through the weekend. I have to say, though, he handled it like a champ (didn't call me a psycho even once!) and tried his damnedest to be comforting and consoling. You girls know when you are in that "MOOD" you don't want to be touched or comforted, but I have to give him props. He really did all he could to show he cared. Once the tempest abated, I was able to have an intelligent conversation with him again and explain. Still, feeling that crazed is really not a good feeling at all....

I still have SIX freaking cats in my house! I need help.

Nothing

2009-05-29T13:00:00.002-04:00

Meh.

Want

2009-05-27T16:35:00.000-04:00

Must have this.

Sigh.

WTF????

2009-05-20T07:35:00.004-04:00

Seriously, if there is one thing in this world that really gets my Irish up (there are many, but this is the top of the list), it is mistreating a child. If you have the time, see this and don't say I didn't warn you that it could make you nutty. Why are schools allowed to do this? And who's freaking bright idea was it to begin with? They should be drawn and quartered. Yes, that is a really painful death, but it is deserved if a child is suffering at their hands. It's one thing to "time out" a child, but to lock them in a room? WTF?

I hurt my ankle again last night. Taking too many stairs too quickly. I don't even know how it really happened. I went down the stairs fine, but coming back up I must have stepped wrong. The pain shot up my leg. And down my foot. I iced and elevated. Still in pain today so I am back in the fugly boot. WTF?

Gameboy had his therapy appointment last night. It went really well. Therapist agrees that "dad" shouldn't have him overnight for a bit until this is under control. And I have to figure out how to tell him. He was snippy with me when I suggested it before - and he doesn't get why this is all happening. WTF?

It took Gameboy 45 minutes to write 10 sentences. I need help with this one folks. He HATES writing and making up sentences. Definitely not something he got from mom - ask anyone that knows me that I made up songs, poems, stories, words...to anyone that would listen. So this is a huge struggle for me. And I lose my patience quickly and easily. Bless J's heart - he is so patient with Gameboy. Why can't I be? WTF?

Ok, must get back to work. Hope you have a relatively non-stressful day :)

Figures

2009-05-19T08:42:00.007-04:00

This past weekend was supposed to be a great weekend. It still kinda was, but I had this cloud hanging over me. You see...

J moved in officially on Friday. Gameboy was cute, running to door when he got home and shouting, "Welcome home!" We had dinner and settled in for the night. The next morning, after breakfast, we dropped Gambeboy off at his dad's. I should have known something was up in Gameboy's head because he was surly and difficult. We had to drop him off by 10, which we did, and got on the road immediately.

J and I had tickets to the Nationals game in DC, and we arrived there in plenty of time. We parked rather far away (at least for me, with a broken ankle, and I wasn't sure I could handle the walk). I checked my phone for the time - since neither of us wear a watch - and I saw that it was 12:20 and I had two voice mail. Seriously? What is up with that. The first was from MFE (surprise!) saying I needed to call back right away, Gameboy was acting up again. The second was from my sister, with the same sense of urgency. The time of the calls was 11:20-11:30. WTF? I was gone 90 minutes and already MFE is griping? I called his numbers and received no answer. Then I called my sister, who informed me that she did not answer the phone when MFE called her, but I should be aware. I begged her to take Gambeboy from him, as it was obvious that he could not handle his own child. She didn't need me to beg, she was offering at the same time. Bless her! I have the bestest sisters in the world, I swear...anyhoo, I finally got through to MFE after ringing his phones non-stop. (Aside: if it was such a fugging emergency, why didn't he answer his phones? Fugger!) He informed me that Gameboy was "up to his old tricks and tantrums". I just told him to take the kid to my sisters. It was not a good idea for them to be alone together if this is how this is going down each visit. He tried to say that he would keep Gameboy and "just see how he does", but I was adamant that I wouldn't get anymore bail-MFE-out phone calls. He agreed to take our son to my sister's after the party they were attending. It was then that the tears came. SERIOUSLY! What am I to do with this situation? It was clear MFE can't deal, and doesn't even try to anymore. It was obvious that Gameboy doesn't want to spend time with his dad, and it makes him crazy when he does. It was ever so evident that their relationship was beyond my help.... I tried to put it behind me and just enjoy the time away with J. It was hard, though, as I kept rolling it around in my head the issues with MFE and GB.

After the Nats game (where we roasted in the sun but had a good time anyway, thankyouverymuch), we winded our way to our hotel to get ready for the concert in Annapolis. I was a bit preoccupied. But, after a sinfully huge dinner at a local buffet, we made it to Annapolis in time to sit in the bar where I had the first of quite a few Cap'n Morgan and Diet Cokes. The concert was HAWESOME, fun and properly entertaining. The Players Band and the Pietasters were incredible. It was a great mixed crowd, and the night went rather quickly. I think we arrived back around 1:30. I fell into a deep alcohol induced sleep soon after.

The next morning, I was in a mood. I didn't pin point it right away. We were on the road back after an equally sinful breakfast at the same local buffet (which, incidentally, should be outlawed!). After making arrangements to pick Gameboy up, we went home, changed, and went to J's baseball practice, where I froze my arse off. After, J was beat, so I drove to pick Gameboy up. My mood darkened as we got closer and I must admit I drove crazy. I kept apologizing to J, as I am sure I was scaring the bejeebees out of him. We arrived to find Gameboy playing happily with his cousins. I, on the other hand, was annoyed. Just wasn't sure why at the time. On the way home, Gameboy's mood changed from good to sour in a matter of moments when we stopped at a store and I wouldn't let him buy whatever he wanted. He had a mini-melt down in the car. But after a stern lecture, he seemed to turn it around. I kept apologizing to J for the way I had been during our ride before and he mentioned to me that he felt that I was just worked about about the situation with MFE. You know what, he is right (yes, and he often is!).

I am worked up about it. I am freaked out that I cannot get MFE to take responsibility for his own actions. I am tired of fighting with Gameboy to make him want to go to his dad's. I am sad that he doesn't care if he sees his dad at all. I am worried that the relationship won't be repaired if MFE doesn't do something to fix it. And I am sick of getting phone calls every time MFE had his kid.

So in all, it wasn't a horrible weekend, but it was a tough one emotionally for me and Gameboy. Here's hoping it gets better - and J doesn't run screaming in the other direction....

Today My Life Changes

2009-05-15T08:46:00.006-04:00

You know, a year ago I would never have dreamed that I would be here. "Here" being a point in my life where I am content, happy, at peace. NEVER would have dreamed it. A year ago I was sitting in my new home, crying over stress and lonliness. My little boy going off to his dad's house where the new girlfriend was being lauded as the new "IT" girl. I was home. Wallowing in self-pity. So I joined a couple of online dating sites. I found that many of the men that contacted me were players or just plain weirdos. They wanted action or they just wanted someone to lead on for awhile. I had many first dates that either scared me or just left me wondering why I was dating in the first place. I would contact someone, we would exchange numbers, we would talk and get to know one another, then we would meet up and have dinner or something. Nothing clicked. In fact, I would suddenly be dropped from their "favorites" and they would disappear. I tried to contact them again, but got nothing but crickets.

In May of last year, I met a guy, Sean, who seemed a great fit. We talked often, exchanged emails, met up twice before we agreed to tentatively see one another. It wasn't a great romance, but it was nice to have someone to spend some time with. We dated once a week or so. We also agreed that we were not "exclusive" so I left my Match.com profile as active. I received a couple of contacts, but I wasn't into dating more than one person at a time so I largely ignored them. Then, in July I received an email from a guy that was just looking to meet friends in the area. He was from out of state and didn't really know anyone. He seemed genuinely interesting. I responded that I was seeing someone, but we could be friends. He responded that he was seeing someone as well. So we struck up a friendship. And it was an easy friendship to develop. We were both in the same place in life, and both had weird relationships going on at that time.

Then, I dumped Sean because I finally figured out he was playing me - I'm a little too trusting sometimes. Then J suddenly found himself without his lady**. We talked through it, and I tried to help him see that if she was that fickle, she wasn't worth his efforts (and indeed she was not worth it, if I do say so myself). We met up one day for lunch to talk and for me to offer my friend a bit of support. After we were done, I ended up following him in my car (no, I wasn't stalking him, we were going the same direction!) and since it was a hot day, he had the top down on his convertible. I passed him at one point and yelled, "Hey hot stuff!" as I waved and drove my seperate way. Little did I know that at that moment, I was planting a seed :)

A couple of weeks later, J was in Michigan visiting friends and trying to figure out where he was going to go with everything with the kids. He desperately needed the break, and he was having a good time. I, on the other hand, was lonely and miserable and hung up on Mr. HKG (wow, remember him???) and wondering why I can't find a nice guy. J and I exchanged text messages (or they could have been email, but I forget - hey, it's been a year!) and he wanted to know why I kept chasing these younger men. I replied it was because no guy my age was interested in me. He replied, "What's to say this 38 year old isn't interested in you?"

My heart stopped. Two reactions - he's interested! Whoo-hoo! The other, "but we're friends, won't that mess it up?".

Turns out, no. In fact, it is the best thing in the world. We have tons to talk about and to share. But we are just different enough to keep things interesting and growing.

I agreed to date since we promised to keep the friendship in tact. We planned on October 18th. But before that, I invited J to the hayride on the 11th, and the rest is history. Each step redefined my life. Each step with J. And now, we are taking another step. A HUGE step into the rest of our lives. Today, J moves in with Gameboy and me. And my life changes again.

Ain't life grand?

**If any of these facts are wrong, please pardon me. My memory ain't what it used to be...but the point I am making is what is important here...

WTF? And Other Happenings

2009-05-11T08:39:00.006-04:00

Received a call from the ex-MIL on Friday. Decided to call her back to keep her from bugging me. Her concerns were mostly that Gameboy "isn't normal" and that there is something "wrong" with him. As the conversation progressed (and I won't go into details) I got more and more annoyed. She didn't want to hear that Gameboy's anti-social behavior with his cousins on that side of the family is not intentional. She didn't hear me when I explained that he doesn't really want to die, as he apparently says often at her house, or that he hits his dad and the girlfriend because of their inability to handle him. Oh, it's his fault, to be sure - NOT. I was as respectful and as kind as I could be. Basically, I just let her have her say while being busy folding the laundry and getting my house ready for my future in-laws to arrive. I politely tried to explain that the medication is not responsible for these "horrible" outbursts that Gameboy has when he is with their family. The real problem lies with one man, MFE, and his inability to be a parent. And now I find that it stems from his mom who can't seem to understand the impact that MFE's freak outs are having on my little boy. Whatev. I assured her that the therapy was underway (thank you for raising a son that can't be a dad and is causing a young boy to be very confused). I told her I had it under control (oh, and that he didn't EVER hit or punch me or J). I then hung up so as not to lose my patience with her and possibly ruin my weekend.

Speaking of weekends, I had a pretty good one. The future in-laws arrived in grand style, bearing gifts of pierogies and kielbasa (yum!) and we had a lovely visit. Decided on Saturday that I wanted to barbecue - and held an impromptu family gathering. Had my parents and two of my sisters over (along with their kids) and we all had a really great time. My dad and J's dad got along famously. My mom pretty much avoided much social interaction, as is her M.O. these days. The kids had a ball! A good time was had by all. My ankle was pretty sore by the time the day was over, but it was a lot of fun. Now if I could just plan stuff like that in advance so I am not running around like a chicken without a head, it would be perfect :)

Anyway, Mother's Day was nice and quiet, and except for Gameboy's increasingly bratty behavior, it was a great day. Not so much relaxing, but definitely a good one. J's mom showed me how to use my sewing machine (huzzah!) and I fixed her laptop. Got some laundry done, and even was able to cook meals. It was a really good time. We did have some downtime in between meals, laundry, and trading skills, so we talked about J (naturally) and the events of his 18 year marriage to a total psycho. Poor J. He really bore all the stories well, having all the painful memories dredged up time and again as Mom B kept telling me the crazy that was his life. I have to give him props. He hung out with his crazy as bat shit ex for a lot longer than I could hang with mine. More importantly, he is a totally different person now then he used to be - and so am I. I am ever so thankful that he came into my life when he did - and that he is sticking around for a long time. I totally feel for him having to relive the days of darkness, but I remind him that he is not that person any more. He is better, stronger, faster....the 6 million dollar man! Ooops, sorry, off topic. Anyway, he was a trooper and I know it was not easy for him to listen to the things that he is trying to put behind him. One thing I can do to help that is to not ask those questions that would lead to a "Past J" story. It should all die down soon, since I am no longer the "new girl" in his life.

Off I go now, must get back to work. Tomorrow is my ortho appointment and I should finally get out of this ugly boot and into a much more reasonable splint. Happy Monday, y'all!

With Ease

2009-05-08T14:28:00.005-04:00

“When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing.”
Enrique Jardiel Poncela quotes (Spanish writer, 1901-1952)

I discovered a blog through my sister, DG. The author is just this geek, but he writes so well it makes me feel like I have a secret that I want to tell the world about. His blog is fun to read, sometimes provocative, sometimes serious. What I love the most, though, to be honest would be his books. He has written several and I have bought them all. I find his writing to be comforting, like a favorite blanket that you cuddle up with on a cool night. He doesn't put on airs, or give any pretense. Please, if you find that you are looking for something good to read, check him out! I promise you will not be disappointed. And, you may just be surprised by something special:

My Happy Place - An Open Letter

2009-05-06T09:13:00.004-04:00

Dear Blog,
I have finally found my happy place. It is a warm, comforting, and strong place. Whenever I am there, I am at peace. Relaxed. Loved. It is a wonderful place to be, within the arms of the man I love. He is wonderful too, and going through a rough time. You see, he has issues with his children that wear at him. He wants so much to give them a great life but they defy him at every turn. He is a good dad and has done so much to help them reach for a better quality of living. They just crap all over him. Why is it that they would rather live in the unknown future of their mother's care? Just because she is the mother, that's why. It's painful and sad to watch. J tries so hard and they just keep crapping all over him. Well, enough. How can a man keep his sanity with this going on? I'm amazed he lasted as long as he did. I want this to be a good time for him. He has not had many good times and he deserves them after all he has been through. I hope that in some small way, I help him to find his own happy place.

I also have finally realized that I can't fix everything. I want to, yes. But I can't. Case in point: MFE and his issues with Gameboy. This past weekend, MFE dropped GB off early because he was throwing a temper tantrum (actually, they both were). Since then, MFE has not had two words to say to me. I finally reached out in email this morning asking him for his plan for counseling (since our agreement stated he had to have 4 months of counseling - and he had to give me the therapists name and information). To my knowledge, he has not yet had an appointment. It's been three weeks. I suggested a resource for him, offered to modify the visitation further to minimize the possibility of another tantrum occurance, and made some suggestions on setting limits for GB and what to do if those limits were breached. Do you know how hard it was to swallow my pride and reach out like that? I would much rather tell MFE to f-off and just leave us be. But I know that is not reality, and it would just hurt GB in the long run. So, I put on my big chick panties and did what I thought was the responsible thing. You know what sucks? Being the only grown up in this situation. Sigh.

Finally, an open letter to those that are bugging the daylights out of me:

Dear Mrs. Ex-MIL - No, I won't call you back. You have no business in my business so stay out.

Dear Son - No, you are not "bad" or "an f-ing brat" or "a pain in the ass" as you may have heard your so-called-father say to you. I die a little every time I think those words are hurting you. You are a glorious creation, a miracle, a bit of heaven sent to me to take care of. And I will be damned for all eternity if I will let a whiney self-obsessed freak of a man tear you down. You are my joy in life. Always remember that.

Dear MFE - Grow up. See aforementioned testament to my protection of my son. Do it again, and you will go to jail. End of story.

Darling J - At the risk of being cheesy and corny, you are the light in the darkness. Your own darkness may become overwhelming, but don't let it get you down. We will overcome. Together we will hold strong. Remember - we found each other against the odds. And the odds will probably keep stacking against us for a time. But we will pervail against them! Hold on to me, and I will hold on to you. Kitchen counter, baby!

Dearest sister - You don't read my blog (I don't think), but stop calling me to come to meetings to learn how to sell stuff that I can't sell. I am done. I am a wimp though - I haven't told you yet to your face. Life is just too darn hectic for me and I don't have the time for this "career". I'll have to tell you soon, though. I need to make my office a bedroom for visiting kids.

Dear neighbors - Yes, the car in my drive is going to stay there. Stop staring and whispering behind your hands. I can't say that I like it much, either, but it's my driveway. You can clearly see I am in a boot, and hobbling around. When I have the strength, I'll clear out the garage and put the offensive automobile away. Until then, suck it up peeps.

Dear so-called-friends - When you came back into my life, I was happy. Then you dropped out just as quickly again. What up wit dat? Did I offend? Anyway, stop coming around if you don't intend to stay. My life is crazy enough without dealing with fair-weather friends.

Dear self - You are losing ground with the weight thing again. Why did you stop paying attention? You are almost back where you started. And you can't afford to buy new clothes this summer. So get back at it, will ya? You may not be able to exercise right now (at least, not much) but you sure as hell can stop eating pretzels and ice-cream! GET A GRIP!

Whew, I feel better :)

Funny

2009-05-05T10:56:00.002-04:00

I was bathing my baby kitten, Marbles, when Gameboy approached me with a quizzical look on his face...

"Mom, when I am 18, will you tell me what the F-word means?" (Yes, he means THAT F-word)

Being the honest mom I am, I reply, "I'll tell you right now. It is a really ugly word for when a man and a woman love each other." Ok, breathe, I tell myself, it's a little vague, but still true.

Gameboy looks at me in shock. "That is just the dumbest word ever! Why make up a curse word about something as beautiful as love?" He shakes his head and walks away muttering, "That is just too dumb. Why would people do that?"

I smile to myself and continue bathing Marbles....

Where the Chicks Are

2009-05-04T08:28:00.003-04:00

Hi Blog-o-spere!

Ok, I swore I would never let a month pass without blogging, and I am just squeaking in at the last minute. It has been a VERY hectic and hellious few weeks. Here are the highlights:

First, filed a PFA against MFE in the courts. His lawyer called and had me dismiss the PFA and we signed an amendment to our divorce agreement that he has to attend anger management courses, parenting courses, and only gets Gameboy for 1 night a week and the first weekend of every month. That appears to be too much for him as he called me yesterday to say that Gameboy was once again "out of control" and then dropped him off unexpectedly yesterday saying "I need to drop the baby off, he's going to break the car!" Turns out that Gameboy wanted BK and MFE wasn't willing to do that, so Gameboy freaked. Well, shoot. He doesn't do that to me! Ex-MIL was in the car and she got out in the rain and motioned for me to come outside. I wasn't sure what that was about. She made her way to my steps and said she wanted to talk to me, can she call me later? I said yes, but when she did call, I was too busy to talk and didn't have time to call her back last night. Then I started to think - why the heck should she talk to me, and why do I want to hear what she has to say? I don't. She needs to keep her nose out of it. If she hadn't coddled her freaking son all these years and fed into his behavior, he might be a half way decent man. So, no way, Mrs. R. Keep your opinions and your preaching to yourself. This ex-DIL doesn't want to hear it. Besides, if she hadn't found the time in the past 12 months to reach out to me, there is nothing I want to hear her say now.

I also broke my ankle 2 weeks ago. It's an avulsion fracture - where the ligaments pull off the bone and take some bone with it. Ewwww. I am in a boot and waiting for the day where I can "graduate" to a split. I am walking much better now and have high hopes that I'll be back to my version of normal soon.

The kittens are getting huge! All except the littlest one, Marbles. He became ill this past weekend and I had to take him to the emergency vets. Turns out that he is dehydrated and isn't eating well. So, I received a supplement, some antibiotics (in case he has an infection) and some high protein soft food. Mama was't nursing him for some reason, so I tricked her into it. I fed her some softer food herself and while she ate, Marbles nursed. Then this morning, I held mama and while I petted her, Marbles nursed. He got in at least 15 minutes of nursing. I'm going to continue this along with the vets orders until the little guy is strong again. Poor baby. I think I'm going to keep him, too. The others are really healthy and strong, so there should be no problem getting them adopted.

Ok, have to run. Much more to post, but now I don't have the time! Later, gators!

Waiting For A Better Day

2009-04-16T08:41:00.002-04:00

The past few weeks have been tumultuous at best. Gameboy went to Florida with his dad and ended up getting abused. Turned my life upside down, let me tell you. I'm filing a PFA today.

I have had to write up a teammate that I really liked - until I discovered that she just wants revenge and doesn't want to fix what is wrong to be a better employee. Sigh. Now I have to watch every step I make and every thing I do as well as everything she does. Sigh.

My saving grace is my family and my sweetie, J. Without their support, I would be having a nervous breakdown right about now.

So, to be honest, I don't feel like blogging much. I'll be back soon when I get back into my happy place.

Why I Love J

2009-04-03T17:31:00.002-04:00

So this week, J and I played a practical joke on our Facebook family and friends. We decided that we were going to pretend we eloped. It was pretty elaborate. First, I had to duck my family and friends for at least a week so I wouldn't slip and spill the beans. It was hard! I was never one for keeping secrets really. Still, once I got into the swing of things, it was all smooth sailing. We put vague statuses up on our pages, referencing a certain event that was taking place. But that was it. It was perfect because we have Wednesdays as our "kids free" night during the week, and it turns out that NCC Courthouse only performs weddings on Wednesdays. I gave my best Academy Award winning performance as well. I dressed up, avoided my coworkers, and generally just left little hints in my status - like "Hope I can make it to 3:45" (the fictional time of the wedding), "isn't it Ironic" (cause it was raining....if you know the song, you'll get it), and "got a runner in my stocking - that will never do!". Well most people didn't realize what I was saying in the beginning. We updated our status at 4:30 via our mobile phones - and changed our relationship status to married. I even went so far as to change my name! It was actually great fun, to be honest. To take it even further, I photoshopped our faces onto a pic I found on the Internet on a couple that was married at a courthouse that sort of had a body type like ours. We then took a pic of our hands with "wedding rings". His was a ring I gave him for Valentine's day, mine was my ring when I was pregnant with Gameboy. I uploaded the pics in the morning and then went to work. Sadly, Facebook did not update our statuses right away and didn't change my name until the next day. So we carried the joke into the 2nd. Soon, the congratulations starting pouring in. We were quite enjoying it - when suddenly around 11 a.m. my sister DG posts that she wants to throw a party. We didn't count on her planning a party for us - and didn't want her to go to too much trouble, so we decided to come clean at 3 p.m.

The storm and flurry of email, phone calls, and IMs was a torrent of annoyance, anger and attitude. Well, not really. Some found it fun, some found it mean, and some vowed revenge. But all were finally let in on the joke.

So now to the part where I explain why this adds to my dear love of J. First, he went along with it in great spirit and even with zeal. Second, he helped me to come up with some ideas to make it more believable. Third, we were caught up in the joke together and as sick as it sounds, it made our Wednesday night even MORE romantic. I felt like we were partners....ok, partners in crime, but partners nonetheless. Seriously, he totally played it up with me and that made me realize that not only do we connect on SO many levels, but that our senses of humor are the same. How can one person love another with such zeal, passion, and completeness? He is the Ying to my Yang, my other half, and my comfort in the storm. I can't imagine my life without him. Having him join in on this prank made me realize that we are truly meant for each other.

I love u, J. <3 <3 <3 Infinity!

Feeling Prolific

2009-03-30T19:10:00.002-04:00

Wasn't long ago that I couldn't think of a thing to blog about. Now it seems I have TONS of things crossing my mind these days...

J and I want to get married. There, said it. It's my blog and I'll say what I want, when I want. We love each other in a way that I never had before - hell, neither of us have had before. It's a wonderful thing. But let's not forget people, that I am not a kid or a teenager. Neither is J. We are smart about things. Please don't give me any grief over this. Seriously. I have had it up to *here* with people saying negative things about us. Enough.

Gameboy is doing fabulously. In fact, he is doing so well that it doesn't look like he qualifies for an IEP to help him. Sheesh. So if I was some dumb mom who didn't get involved or care about his success he would qualify? One of his karate buddies has been diagnosed AND has an IEP in place within 3 months. And his mom is not so bright. Goes to show ya. I'm proud of my dear boy. He and I have a good working relationship. I just hope it stays that way.

I am discovering new and exciting things - and I am finding that I am a much more powerful being than I ever gave myself credit for. I am also finding that many of the teachings I had as a child are not holding true when tested as an adult. I discovered much repression developed as a result of those teachings. I still believe in a higher power - but will I burn in hell for having sex? Ummm,sorry, no. Don't think so. And while we are on the subject - how sad is it that I am 40 years old and just discovering that sex is a beautiful thing? And how wonderful! I was married 8 years and never felt the way I do now. In fact, most of those married years were more or less being used instead of making love. So here I am in a truly giving and loving relationship and discovering what it is that people would talk about. TMI? Too bad. My blog, my rules :P

Speaking of the wonderful man I love, he comes as a packet deal. His two children will be coming along with him. We had an AWESOME weekend this past weekend. In fact, except for my moodiness two weekends ago, we have had good weekends with them since they were given to J by the courts. T and Gameboy get along really, really well and are even calling each other "buddies". C is doing her best to stay out of their way - and is a typical teenager but she just wants someone to listen to her and show her affection. It's really amazing to see how the kids have fun together. J and I have been having dialogue about how we will treat the kids and make sure we minimize the tensions. And the cool part is, we have open dialogue about the things that we don't agree on. When does that ever happen? Anyway, yesterday there was a brief time when we were able to get somewhere together (LT's baptism) and act as a family unit. It was all good until I lost my cool because of something that C did. It was mainly because I didn't understand why she does things like that. But my older sis put things into perspective for me and made me feel better about things. I am approaching how I deal with her from the wrong angle. I don't need to "deal", I need to understand and accept. So that is what I am working on.

Just a few things I have been thinking about....

Ah-Ha!

2009-03-30T09:21:00.006-04:00

Ok, so medically I am feeling WAY better. So that means one of two things:
1. I was the recipient of a modern day miracle performed on me by Florence of Menses, the patron saint of the monthly flow.
2. Hormones are getting back into line after a particularly bad flare up.

So, seeing that I am not all that religious at the moment and don't anticipate that a miracle would be bestowed upon me, I am going with what's behind door number 2. This also means that I can now confidently call the doctor and schedule a time to see her - since I didn't want to be in the throes of menstruation and not be able to get an appointment. Yes, you heard it here first - I AM CALLING A DOCTOR! (cue the parade and the wild cheering)....

I did have an epiphany this weekend. I am VERY close to having a family of 3 children. And no, I am not pregnant with twins. J and I are in serious discussions about our future and what that means for us. It most definitely means that we will be co-habitating in the future. So we have been really making sure we are getting our little ducklings in a row. One hurdle - school for C. She is going to be 15 in June (EEEEEK - a teenager!!!! ) and needs to be in a school that can handle her special needs. She is really a sweet girl, just needs guidance and a role model. She is dead set against any decision J makes, even if it is the best thing for her. Sigh. But that seems to be a hurdle that will be crossed without my assistance, which is good. Still, I am going to have to lighten up A LOT people. I am way too regimented and set in ways to be a proper step mom to a teen aged special needs child. I need advice! Is there a class I can go to that will help? She and I get along well, so I am not worried about that. She just needs extra attention and stuff. My gut instinct isn't always serving me well on that front....

A final Ah-Ha! Moment this weekend - my weight. A life long struggle, folks. As some of us know, there is NOT a magic ingredient to getting or staying in a healthy weight range. What IS magic is how good you feel when you are taking care of yourself. I don't want to concentrate on my weight anymore. I want to concentrate on my health. So, I am doing that. Out with the old, in with the new. The old me, as recent as yesterday, feels crappy when she eats lots of sugar and carbs. That's just how my body is. I pulled out some notes I had last night from my doctor's appointment last June - I had "perfect" blood scores and she and I discussed the lo-carb thing. She advocated me staying lo-carb as I have the metabolism type (her words) of a slug. No lie! She said that. It was in jest, but it was on the mark. I never was very active growing up. She mentioned that I have to push myself into activity to make it a habit. You know what? I never did. So instead of focusing on the food/weight issues, I am going to start with the exercise problems. For instance, I always get cranky when I work out - the doctor said it was because I didn't condition myself properly and was pushing my body too hard, too fast. She wanted me to start with something easy until I dropped a significant amount of weight. Her recommendation - walking with weight training on alternate days. Did I listen then? Ummmmmmmmmmm.....ok, I did a little bit. But didn't really. So I am going to follow her advice one year later :)

Check back for updates, y'all!

Hormonal Upheaval

2009-03-27T14:33:00.003-04:00

Dudes, it's soooo hard being a chick. Yes, I said chick, so sue me. I am GeekChick, afterall. Anyway, what's supposed to take only about 7 or so days a month for most women has been taking me 14. First comes the irritability. Then the moodiness and lack of sleep. Then the facial breakouts and bloating. Then more extreme moodiness, crankiness, emotional outbursts, and extreme unrest. Then more bloating and some irrational thoughts. Finally, when I think I am finally cracking and all is lost, comes the bleeding. Whew. Once that starts, everything starts to settle back down to a normal level. For a week. Then, it starts all over again. Or it might disappear for a few weeks and then the cycle starts finally.

This. Is. Not. Normal.

I am smart enough to realize that. What I don't have time for at this point is going to see the doctor and dealing with it. Once again, my avoidance tactics are amazing even to me. It's not that I don't acknowledge that they exist. Even I can see that there is something weird going on here. But I end up making all kinds of excuses - no time, inconvenient appointments, got too much to deal with at home, don't think it will last...you name it. There seems to be no end to the creative reasons that going to the doctor would suck right now. And the worst part? It's because she'll yell at me for gaining the weight back :P No, that isn't realy it. I think the real reason is because I feel that there is nothing she can do anyway. I'm 40. My eggs are old. My uterus is old. I am old (I believe the term is "advanced in age"). What-the-fuck-ever. I am not going to pay $35 for a special visit to the V doctor to be told I am old and just need to suck it up. Hell, I can do that for free! I just ask my friends.....except I think AG might kick my arse a bit....

Along with this recent bout of Raging PMS came an unwelcome unsettled feeling. I was doubting everything - even my sanity. The whole "Insecurity Gate" scandal - YUP! Hormones. No way in freaking heck I should reduce myself to that level of drival and whining. WTF is wrong with me? Seriously. The grip I needed to get was elusive. Thankfully, J is a really patient and sweet boyfriend. He is soooo good at soothing my frazzled nerves and giving me a much clearer picture of things. Wish I could have seen it myself, but dear gawd, could not for the pimples on my nose! Ok, ok, I know. I am sure there is a magic pill that will make all these symptoms go away. Tell me that it will also make me lose 50 pounds and make me pretty and you got yourself a deal!

When Dreams and Reality Collide

2009-03-25T17:22:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I lost 6 pounds this week. Not too shabby. Then suddenly it seemed like it all came unraveled. I can't stand it. What is WRONG with me? Why do I sabotage myself?

Anyway, been having some REALLY strange dreams lately. Like Vince Vaughn trying to steal me away from J - and I don't even LIKE Vince Vaughn. Or like finding a chocolate lab in my bedroom and trying to hide it from the neighbors (don't ask why, I have no idea). Or the one where I am competing in a bathing suit competition (and I'm thin, yay!) but the judges can see my stretch marks and I get horrible comments. Or even better yet, the one where I am in this house and a twister picks me up and drops me.....oh, never mind. That was a movie.

Random thought - Zac Efron. Cute or not? Discuss.

Ok, so back to the dreams. No, I am not drinking before bed. And no, I am not eating before bed. I don't know where they are coming from, really.

The Vince Vaughn one really had me scratching my head. I really don't find this guy all that attractive or funny, so why would I dream of him? Don't know. Never even saw him in a movie that I can remember. What's even funnier is that I totally ignore him in the dream and he sends me flowers and gifts and J and I laugh and keep on going our merry way.

For the dog dream, there is suddenly a new law that you can only have one pet per house. I already have 3 cats in the dream and the dog suddenly appears in my bedroom. I am struggling to keep him in the house during the day and sneaking him out to the yard at night. I have to have all the lights out and the backyard light disconnected. I keep hoping the poor thing doesn't bark or make any noises.

Then, for the swim suit one, I am forced to wear a bikini, though I know that other girls are wearing a full suit. I try to cover my stretch marks with makeup, but it's no use. I still look pretty darn good in my black bikini and matching black stilettos (well, better than I do NOW) but I can hear the judges announcing to the audience each thing they find wrong with the women on the stage. As I walk across, I hear them say, "Tsk, Tsk, it's a shame she has such ugly marks on her stomach and legs" and "She should really just excuse herself from competition"....I leave the stage with a smile, but inside I am dying.

So, what does all this mean? I have no idea. Anyone care to take a stab at these?

Are You Kidding Me?

2009-03-20T07:21:00.002-04:00

Several things have gotten my goat these past couple of days and I need to vent:

1. There was a refresh done to one of our development databases - without our knowledge. They updated the tables and overwrote about a week's worth of work for my team. We are now scrambling to recover and still meet our deadlines. Not happening. We have a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept. Not one of the teams involved in this fiasco apologized for screwing us up....

2. Received a voicemail from the PT department at the hospital where GameBoy was supposed to be evaluated. Turns out my insurance won't allow him to have the eval done there - they are not part of the coverage? Don't get that! The hospital is part of the coverage for ER, OR, and other services. This sucks.

3. MFE - 'nuff said.

4. I have been faithfully following Atkins again for a week - and only lost 3 pounds. Sigh. What in the world? I am not sure why....

5. Aunt Flo still ain't here. The crazy beeotch is delaying her grand entrance. Unfortunately, she sent Uncle Cramps and Cousins Bloat and Blemish ahead of her.

6. Received a past due bill in the mail - from the county. Turns out that I need to pay my sewer charges. Home ownership is fun! Funny, I don't remember getting the first bill....

That's the highlights. But it's Friday and it's a kid-free weekend. Besides finishing my taxes, and going out tonight and Saturday night, not much else planned. I hope I can sleep in tomorrow :)

Pity Party of One, Your Table Is Ready

2009-03-17T13:51:00.005-04:00

Don't stop here and read if you don't like to indulge my narcissistic needs to comfort myself. Feeling like I am "on the fringes" again. I get this feeling when people stop seeking out my company.....

But I liked my makeup today and decided - screw it! I'll look good even if I feel unwanted.

Take that - people who pretend I matter and then forget I exist! One of these days I won't care. Wish it were today....

Insecurity

2009-03-16T08:34:00.015-04:00

Ok, so I posted a bit about insecurity last week. I may have delved into the mystery of where these insecurities come from before, but I don't remember and I'm too lazy to go back and search my old posts. So if you've heard it before, just bear with me - or go and surf YouTube for some funny videos of Ninja Cats...

So, I was really emotional this weekend (thank the hormones and my ever-so-quirky way of ignoring my own health issues until it is too late...) and dear J got the brunt of it. He's a doll, thankfully. And he helped ease my mind that the insecurities were not going to drive him away. Still, I have to get a grip before I unravel my own sanity. The kids were good, they get along well. I just felt this overwhelming pressure to be "mom". J pointed out that they have a mom, and don't need another one. They just need some additional guidance. What that did was just give me permission to stop being an idiot and just relax and enjoy the time with them. The Teenager was moody, too, due to being a teenager, and the Boys were getting along. Yet, I was on edge most of the weekend anyway. I was cranky and easily prone to self-doubt. J tried really hard to just be supportive, and for that I am eternally grateful. I did warn him that this could be a monthly issue for us, but I also plan on calling my doctor and getting on something that may help with the mood changes and feeling of helplessness during this time.

Again, hormones have TONS to do with this - but not all of it is hormones. I have to own up and take some responsibility for over-thinking lots of things. My job is to analyze issues and to come up with solutions. It's something that I often carry over into my personal life. I get really frustrated when I can't seem to figure things out or if they seem out of my control. So, I thought if I blogged about them, I could at least get them out in the open for me to deal with one at a time.

Insecurity #1: Looks
I was never the pretty girl in the family. I look too much like my dad and his side of the family. I try to just deal with the hand I have, but it is really hard. I have always struggled with my weight - and I am back on plan to lose more weight (I even worked out last night - w00t!). But if I am honest with myself as I try to be, losing the weight won't change the fact that my looks are lacking. I have ALWAYS wanted to be pretty, and have gone to great lengths to feel that way. Makeup, hair, clothes - all are a part of my arsenal of "prettiness". But I still end up looking like a troll. Why? Because you can't turn a turnip into a rose. Sounds harsh, but it is true. For awhile after my divorce, I just said - "Screw it! I am what I am and I need to be happy with me".....and you know what? I was. Really and truly. So what changed? Well, the "post divorce" afterglow has faded and in set some doubts and concerns. The insecurity here goes WAY back to my childhood - being made fun of and singled out for my red hair and my weight in grade school was psychologically traumatic for me. Now that I'm an adult I can see that a good deal of that was just kids being mean, but it laid a foundation of self-doubt that continues to this day. I must admit, I can often just keep pushing the doubt away. Just when my emotions are rioting do I feel vulnerable to them and it brings me down again. When I am at a bar (like I was recently) and a pretty girl walks by, I instantly feel inferior. When a hot body chick walks by, I feel wretched. I have been going up and down this roller coaster of feeling jealous of them and how easily they seem to have it and alternately hoping that J doesn't notice them (and of course, being a man, he does). I often wonder if life would be much different if I was gifted with looks and a hot bod. Oh, and to all those out there that say "get your hot bod", it's not that simple, m'kay? Believe me, if I had $20K to throw away I would have the stomach surgery and the botox/lifts/etc. necessary to look like that. And, it's not like I haven't been trying for YEARS to do exactly that. I always fail. I just think it would be easier to start with the bod and maintain it then it is not to have it at all and try to get it.....

Insecurity #2: Being a bad mom
Ok, so we know that ADHD is not the end of the world, but it still makes for a challenge in parenting. There are many things that I am still learning and discovering. And forget MFE - he's a lost cause. He isn't the type to help himself, so therefore he won't be helped. As for me, I recently took stock of the growing library of ADHD books in my house and realized that they all pretty much say the same thing. The real problem is, I don't always remember all this great advice when I am angered by GameBoy's tantrums(how's that for a new name for N?). Anyway, I don't want my son growing up thinking that his mom is a crackpot or that no one understands and loves him. The real issue with this insecurity is that there is no way to tell if it is happening until much later down the road. But still, I go with my gut most of the time. If he cries, I hug him. If he laughs, I hug him. If he gets antsy, I yell at him then I hug him. We'll see if it is working... in about 10 years...

Insecurity #3: My Weight
Ok, you may reason that this issue is really just like #1 on my list above. Not so! Although my looks are tied into the weight thing, I was mostly talking about outward appearances in that note. In #1 I was referring to looking good - and I have seen some beautiful overweight women. In this issue, I am pointing out that try as I might, I am not able to get a handle on this most base issue. After YEARS of dieting and such, I discovered there is no secret ingredient, no cure-all. It's all about eating right and exercise. That's it. End of story. I do believe that there are different formulas for each body type out there and each person has to find their own "magic" method. This is linked to my insecurity in a way that I realized only recently - you can't stop eating or you die. So how hard is it to overcome an eating issue and lose weight? It's nearly impossible. I hate that I can't control it most of the time, too. My feeling that I am not good enough because I am heavy again goes back to the years of torture in grade school. I had a couple of years there where I really didn't have any friends. And if I did, it was totally superficial. So that led to trust issues, which led to self-medication (eating in this case) which led to lowered self-esteem and problems other than that, and so on, and so on, and so on....
In any case, I was getting ok with that even but then I came face to face with it recently and it really made me think. So here I am, back on the merry-go-round of trying to get rid of it for good and trying to come to terms with the fact that it seems like it will haunt me forever....

Does anyone have a Valium?

Sick and Tired

2009-03-12T08:04:00.003-04:00

Dudes! GC is soooooo sick today. I was really sick on Tuesday night - up until all hours puking. Yeah, I know, you didn't need to know that. But it's important to have the back story. I took off yesterday to rest and slept pretty much all day. MFE offered to pick N up and take him to school so I wouldn't have to leave the house. While this was a nice thing to do (and of course I let him do it) I knew it was just a guilt thing. On top of that, I was totally drained from the weekend. It was a grand time with little sleep. Still, I didn't expect to have the upending that I had. How's that for a pun?

I started to feel MUCH better around 1. I was a little weak and dizzy but I got up, chatted with J online and got some toast. Then I showered (after which I felt really good) and picked up N. I took my time to prepare him for his overnight with MFE. What I found out when I picked N up from school was his behavior was not all that great this week. I immediately knew it was because of his rough weekend with his dad. How's the kid supposed to cope well when his dad tells him that he doesn't want to see him anymore because he is misbehaving - and MFE didn't give him his meds? I hate that man with a passion sometimes. Most of the time it is just general distaste. Anyway, I lavished praise and love on my boy to try to compensate. He really is a great kid, just needs extra coaching at times. Anyway, I made sure lots of hugs and kisses were given as I packed his bags. I laid on the couch for a few minutes, and then got N dinner and made sure his homework was done. All normal. He was fine for me.

MFE picked him up at 5:40 and I found that J was running behind. Wednesdays are our night together, and in the past we have had only a couple of precious hours before he had to leave and pick up his kids from his crazy ex. However, he made a new deal that they get to stay overnight with her on Wednesdays, much like N does with MFE. This gave us the whole night together. And it was heaven! No rushing, lots of together time and being in love. I was feeling just fine. In fact, better than fine, I was feeling great.

Then I awoke this morning - was ok until after my shower. I started to feel sick again. Nausea and ever-so-tired. A little dizzy, but not much. The drive in was a blur. And here I sit at work, feeling like I could fall asleep any minute and waves of nausea. What the heck? Perhaps I should have given myself another day off, but it couldn't be done. Too much going on to miss another day.

Hopefully I can make it through. Time will tell....

Me Thinks Thou Dost Protest Overmuch

2009-03-10T07:43:00.003-04:00

Hello blog world. I know, it's been awhile. I did finally get my PC running with the network at home (freakin' Verizon software sucks!) and was able to reinstall some things. Have lots more to do. My laptop is dead, Jim. So, I ordered a new one with the advice of a friend at work who knows what is good in "outlet" prices. It should arrive forthwith.

However, I was up WAY too late last night (till 1 a.m.) doing stuff and answering some email. J came over to pick up some stuff that he left from the weekend and it was nice to have 30 minutes of alone time with him on a day that I would not normally see him. He rocks!

Anyway, I discovered last night that I am truly, madly, and deeply in love with this man. So much so that the thought of his past GFs and dalliances are really getting to me. Those of you who know me well and those of you who have read my blog for awhile know that I didn't have the best self-esteem for all my life. In fact, it wasn't until I stood up for myself and divorced the abusive ex that I felt good about anything I did or was.

I feel awesome when I am with J. He professes his love daily, and I believe in it. He is romantic, sweet, kind, gentle, and still manly. He fills my heart and dreams. I want to be EVERYTHING to him, and there in lies the rub. In his past he has seen some gorgeous women. WTF does he see in me, I think...mind you, I know he loves me and that our souls have a connection and bond that can never be broken. It's just that my self-esteem issues never really went away and they resurface from time to time. Not when I am with him, though. Just when we are apart. Weird?

Part of this issue I am facing is the fact that I gained nearly 30 pounds since we started dating. I felt better about myself back then. I was starting to look and feel really good. I have always had problems with my weight, so when I discovered that my skinny jeans don't fit anymore, I was distraught. I am doing something about it now, but I know the road I face and I know that I have to kick it into high gear to see the results I want.

The thing is, I want to feel that sexy and "fine" as I did then. This has NOTHING to do with J or his past GFs. It is all about me and my feelings of inadequacy. I am facing the danger zone where if I profess my insecurities too much, I will end up pushing J away. I need to get a grip now! Knowing that he chooses me helps a lot. Knowing that I am the woman he wants to be with and is connected to will help me get over this rut.

Need to put on my big girl panties again! And this time, leave them on.....

Temporarily Unavailable

2009-03-09T06:28:00.005-04:00

Due to the recent crash of my laptop - and the inability of my desktop to obtain an IP address, I am currently without internet connectivity at home...again! I am going to be getting a new laptop, but in the meantime, I will be unable to get back to posting here as I had hoped.

Since I am at work, I can't post much at this time. But I had a tremendous weekend. J and I went out with my brother on Friday and Saturday nights and had a blast! I have to say, it's nice to cut loose every two weeks or so and just be a bit wild and crazy. Helps us to deal with the daily crap that happens...

Like....

MFE called me on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday to tell me he hates me (wasn't that sweet) because I don't pack clothes for N that fit, that N doesn't listen, and that pretty soon he is going to stop seeing him. Nice, huh? Right in front of his son. Fabulous. When he complained about the clothes, I said "well, they fit at my house" he told me to shove the clothes up my a$$. I hung up.

Then on Sunday, he called to say he didn't want to keep N anymore and when could he drop him off? I said, not today! When I asked what was wrong, he complained again that N wouldn't listen, it was all my fault, that N was going to bankrupt him. I commented that it was his own fault - he set a precedence for always buying stuff for him and therefore what did he expect? He said N needed a whipping. I told him the first time he beat N would be the last time he ever saw him. What was he going to do with him for a whole week? (Oh, MFE is taking N to Florida for spring break...but that could change now). I asked where the GF was since she was usually able to keep the peace, but she was there and N was in rare form. I talked to N and told him to mind his dad (thought I wanted to say to him that his dad was a POS, but I didn't) and then I found that he had not gotten his medicine. WHAT???? I got MFE on the phone and let him have it. He's the f-ing parent, he needs to be one. Stop letting a 7 year old run the show and he'll mind better. I calmed down enough to say that the ADHD is the problem, not discipline. After a bit - and I am not sure of the timeline as I was so tired - MFE said N was staying because he agreed to mind. That really ticked me off. I went off again about how MFE can't be messing with the kids mind like this, and that his time with his kid can't be something that he uses as a tool to discipline. He needs to learn to deal with N's condition the same as I did. I left it with me saying that I was dropping a book off for him to read that will help him understand ADHD better and how to cope with N's struggles. All this "drama" was in front of the GF, too. I am now taking bets to see how long she lasts. I give it a few more months....

Back from cyber death

2009-03-05T09:40:00.003-05:00

My PC is restored, but is STILL not connecting to the internet. Sigh. And have had no time to get the Verizon people on it. My laptop is working, but again, have had not time to post. It's crazy people!

Ok, so what's happened? Great weekend in Annapolis with J, then a crazy week, then a great weekend at home with J and the kids, then 2 snow days. That about sums it up... oh and J and I had dinner last night. I am liking this. I see him every weekend and every Wednesday. Just wish I could see him every day....

Other than that, and having seen the neurologist (who now says that N needs further testing and OT/PT therapies), things are quiet. Yeah, right. Who am I kidding?

Pardon This Interruption

2009-02-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

My internets access are acting up. PC won't connect to my router and my laptop took a huge crap and had to be wiped. I am finally connecting, but now I have to get my stuff all loaded up again. Please excuse my absence. I promise to be back as soon as possible!

What Normalcy Gets You

2009-02-17T09:45:00.002-05:00

As I alluded to in my previous post, this past weekend was awesome. It was great on so many levels. First, J and I had planned on going to the Natural Science Museum with the kids but we thought that would be a quick trip and then his kids would not want to associate any further with N and I (along with Bug Boy who LOVES J's son, T). We were wrong. They had a blast. It was fun and J and I kept marvelling at how well the trip was going. At the end, they wanted to go back to my house. We were surprised and happy. So we trooped back to the house where we busted out the Wii for some fun with the Wii Fit (that Santa brought and I never opened...but I digress....). Then, C and T wanted to be outside. J went and retrieved C's bike from the apartment and she rode her bike while T rode on N's scooter. I kicked the "twins" out for a bit, but they soon gave up and found their way back in before I could say no. I did a little housework and C came in and followed me around talking and asking questions. I came to realize that at 14, she was bored with the little kids and wanted to do something else. I kicked Bug Boy and N off the Wii again to let her play the Wii fit, which she loved. Every once in awhile I would go outside and sit with J on the steps while he watched his son play. Then C would follow me out. It seems like no matter where I went, she was there. I didn't find this annoying at all. In fact, I found it rather sad. She needs a woman to relate to, and her mom isn't exactly the best role model. I made up my mind to do my best to be her friend and help her through this. I also made up my mind that I would get her some pants and shoes since she refuses to shop with her dad (but then, what 14 year old girl wants to shop with thier dad?). I took C with me to pick up Chinese food for dinner and DG came down with Uncle Bug and Bugaboo in tow. It was a fun dinner and before I knew it, Bug Boy had left, J's kids were asking to stay and N wanted to go to bed. We happily settled the kids for the night and J and I were able to finally spend some quality time together. Just like a normal family....

Sunday morning we went shopping for clothes for C. She is a tough one, and only likes particular things. We were at Kohls but then went to Walmart to get her pants, at her insistence. I still managed to spend quite a bit at Kohls though! LOL

After our shopping extravaganza and a quick stop for lunch, we were back at the house for some more outdoor play. We actually played soccer and then the boys (N, T, and J) played a bit of ball in the backyard while C and I were on the lawn swing. It felt so incredibly....right, normal, perfect.

N was picked up at 5 by his dad, and I had dinner with J and his kids. Then, they insisted on staying another night since they were off on Monday. I was happy to have more time with J, so I agreed. It was tough tip-toeing through the house yesterday morning to leave for work, but it was neat, too. The kids were snoring away and I felt like I could really get used to them being there.

They came again for dinner last night, but since I had a dentist appt and planned on visiting my friend (who was teaching me to knit socks on two circular needles), I couldn't stay and socialize with them much. By the time I got home, the house was empty and still. And I realized I didn't like it that way.....I missed everyone. Can't wait for another weekend like that!

Incredible Normalcy

2009-02-16T10:24:00.002-05:00

N and I spent the weekend with J and his kids. It was surprisingly normal and fun. We had plans to spend a few hours together on Saturday and that blossomed into a great weekend. The kids had fun, J and I were happy and enjoying every moment, and we felt like a family in every sense of the word. Don't have time to go into details as I am due into a meeting in a few minutes, but I will lay out the weekend later. All I can say is, Wow! I know it is the honeymoon period and there will be adjustments as we go, but to see his kids actually having a good time was so gratifying to me. It gives me so much hope for our future!

Later, gators.

We Have a Winner!

2009-02-13T23:56:00.002-05:00

Case dismissed. And there was much rejoicing! Yay!

Important points that I discovered over the past few days:
I am disgustingly in love with J.
His kids are confused, angry and probably sad.
J is awesome with his kids and they don't even realize it.
Things work out - maybe not right away or obviously, but they do.
I shouldn't drink 3 hard iced teas in one night after not eating dinner.

I need a vacation!

Need a New Tactic

2009-02-11T19:19:00.006-05:00

Ok, the attempt to put on my big girl panties isn't doing it for me. My emotions are so raw right now. Last night, J and I attempted to have dinner with his kids. They were ignorant, rude, and downright challenging. And that was to J! To me they were merely rude. Not 100% of the time, but enough. The smallest, T, really doesn't like me at all. He practically pushed me out the door when I left. He called me names, made rude jokes, and generally was just a royal PITA. I was actually offended at first. And this morning I was not happy about the turn of events either. What I realized is that I intruded on their time - even if they treat their dad with disdain, he is still THEIR dad and they made it known that I was not welcome. I don't take it personally anymore. I realize that this is to be expected and decided that it would be best if J and I didn't spend time together in front of them for the time being. It's still so new, them living with him. They don't like it, they let him know, and it bothers the hell out of me.

Then, tonight, the kids were supposed to go to the psychobitch freak's "place" (if you can call a motel room a place to live...I can't). The kids walked over and found her gone. J drove over after work and she was not there. The oldest boy was there and said she was "doing errands". So she forfeited the only night she had with them this week. I was instantly and quite suddenly VERY distraught and put out. I cannot fathom a mother running out on the only night she has her kids. And she has the nerve to say J is "bad" for the kids. WTF???? Not being there when the kids expect you to be is worse then anything J ever did. The problem is, the kids are totally against him, do everything they can to make him crazy, and call him "loser" and other things....all things they heard from this so-called mom.

Here's where I admit the worst part of all of this. I am jealous. I am jealous of the attention that the kids have and don't appreciate. I am freaked out that I cannot see him at all until next week (maybe even not then). I feel so lonely without him. Let's face it, I got sucked in and complacent with having him around for an entire month. Perhaps that was not the best thing to do in hindsight. All I know is my big girl panties (that would be reason and understanding) have fallen off somewhere and it's not helping me to try to reason this out.

Part of me wants to run and say "forget it, the pain of not getting what I want is too much to bear"...damn, that sounds SO immature. I really never expected to feel this attached, this needy when it came to him. Another part of me wants to slap the other part and say "Suck it up, it's only until things work out."

So, here's how the rest of the conversation goes:

Reasonable Me: Look, you knew that this was coming. You can't act like a selfish child now. His kids need him.

UNreasonable Me: Yeah, so? I should be important too. I NEED him. I didn't want to need anyone again. Not like this. WTF did I do?

Reasonable Me: You fell in love, you idiot. Love means you stick around for what comes. You are a grown up and you have your own child. You know what it takes to get things right.

UNreasonable Me: But it hurts not seeing him. It hurts seeing them shit all over him and I can't do anything about it. It hurts to realize that this is going to go on for a very long time.

Reasonable Me: Yes, it will take awhile to work out.

UNreasonable Me: So what does that mean for me? Staying on the sidelines until the freak psychobitch disappears or the kids have a breakthrough in therapy? IF that ever happened it could take years.

Reasonable Me: You don't know what the future will be. You can only take things day by day....

UNreasonable Me: Shut up and leave me alone. I want to wallow in self pity and drink myself to sleep....

Ok, so that's enough of that conversation. I think you can see the struggle I have. I feel schizo. So what now? How do I work through this and not continue to burden J with my demands? How can I get myself to a place where I am ok to not be his main focus? I admit it, I am being stupid and emotional right now. I had a taste of what Buttercup had and I feel like I have to let it go. Temporary or not, it REALLY sucks. Really.

Pity party for one, your table is ready.

Please excuse the totally immature and selfish nature of this entry. The management assures you it is completely alcohol fueled and will not be reflected in future posts...unless the author is again disappointed and frustrated, in which case the management claims no responsibility. Thank you.

Missing You

2009-02-10T07:23:00.007-05:00

When J got his kids last week, I was pretty sure that I would be going through a period of "withdraw". I tried to put on my big girl panties and just suck it up. It was hard, but I fell into a routine again somewhat quickly. J and I had a great weekend together, despite some impediments, and when Sunday night came around again I thought I was prepared for his absence. I wasn't. I moped around the house Sunday night and felt generally like I had no ambition or motivation to do anything. Last night was ok, since N was home and he and I bonded once again over our beloved Sci Fi movie and games. It wasn't until N was asleep and the house was quiet again that I was able to call J and hear his voice. He was stressed and my heart broke for him. It's been a long road and it is a little bit longer. The vicious twit of an ex is taking him back to court again for some trumped up and exaggerated charges. She is seriously the dumbest woman on the planet, next to a particular blond singer who doesn't know what tuna fish is. In any case, hearing him stressing on the phone, and me not being able to put my arms around him and comfort him only made it worse. I hung up around 9 p.m. to get to bed and promptly laid down and stared at the ceiling. Sheeesh. I long for the days when J and I can move on with our lives and put this nastiness behind us.

I dreamt of J last night. We were with the kids (all of them, including his oldest that totally disses him now) and we were looking at a house with an addition built on to include 4 bedrooms, since the main house only had one bedroom on the main floor. The house was a traditional salt box with this "wing" jutting off the back of it. It was odd looking, but had a great porch and we decided we would buy it so our entire family could be together. The kids had other ideas. N liked the house, except for the stone floor in the kitchen. He doesn't like the "feel" of it. C hated the house except for what we considered her room - it had a balcony that overlooked the side wooded yard. T loved it, but hated his room, which was on the ground floor across from the master suite, and wanted to be upstairs with C and Lil J. Lil J said nothing. He just sat looking forlorn on the steps. J and I were annoyed by their reaction, but we decided to buy the house anyway, since it was one that we could fit everyone into. The kids started to fight and J and I looked at each other and said, "Well, looks like we are officially on the 'list'."

I woke up at that point, looking for J next to me. He wasn't there. I laughed a little but mostly felt odd about the dream. At least my subconscious is looking forward to the future :)

On a different note, life has been incredibly hectic and stressful these days. Work issues are getting me down, with the possibility of having to terminate someone coming this week. I am really freaking about that. Not sure what we will be doing, but it is making me sick. I really just want it to be over with. The thing is, the employee is borderline making it. I have to find out from the "powers that be" if they want to extend her Performance Plan. I can't stand this stuff, as I mentioned before. As J says, "People fire themselves". This is true, especially in this case. Still, it wears on me.

So on that upbeat note, off to work I go....

Careful What You Wish For

2009-02-04T07:26:00.008-05:00

A year ago, I was in the midst of my divorce. It was contentious at the start, and painful to the max because I had to be in the same house as my ex. I accepted this the best I could and did what I needed to do. At the time, anything was better than being in a loveless marriage that was wrought with strife and anger. I don't have any regrets. But, I still face struggles with my decision. I should have planned better. Now, 10 months after the divorce was final, and 9 months after I moved out, I am facing a crisis. This one is the scariest one for me - financial. I find that although I make good money, I am struggling with my bills. My debt is WAY higher than I would like, and the mortgage payment is almost an entire paycheck. I am not used to this quandary. While married, I had plenty of money. Of course, there were two incomes. And we sort of split things up. But more importantly, when I didn't have money to pay a bill, I had a fall back. Now I don't. And it scares the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of me. Child support does help, but I have to get to the bank and deposit the check for it to be of any REAL assistance in this issue. I promised myself that I would not rely on that support, and it really REALLY R.E.A.L.L.Y. bugs me that I now have to. I am not budgeting properly. I have money coming out of my check for a flexible spending account that I don't think I will meet this year. I am really frightened and have anxiety over it. Careful what you wish for......

J went to court last week, and then again on Monday this week. In the end, the judge ruled that he is to share custody, but be the residential custodian of his daughter, C, and son, T. While this is the best situation that could possibly have happened (the kids living with him in a NORMAL environment), it is a tough transition for everyone. J is facing the daunting prospect of being a single parent with full time responsibility for the kids. Joint custody or no, he is totally alone in this. The ex is not being amenable at all in this decision and will not meet him half way, as is expected of her by the courts. Of course, the judge TOTALLY knew this and that is why she ruled as she did. I am sure it helped that the ex never did show to either court date. In any case, the first night (Monday) the kids were generally happy and well behaved. Not so much last night. The shock of being taken from their mother has much to do with it, I am sure. The other issue is that C had a project due today and the ex never worked it with her. J was left trying to figure out what to do. I suggested he write a note to the teacher explaining the situation to her and asking for an extension. T was upset at doing his homework last night and cried. J is facing many of the same struggles with making sure they are settling as I did when I moved out with N. The only difference is that MY ex and I were on speaking terms and were able to work out issues. J doesn't have that luxury, and that is what makes me sad for him. It's hard to stay in the background as much as I have to and not want to reach out and fix it. I can't anyway, but it's my nature to want to help. Also, I am having a hard time adjusting to being apart from him. I knew it was coming, and I prayed that he would get his kids, and I am genuinely HAPPY he did succeed. I am just a little sad for me. I'm a big girl and I put my big girl panties on, but it still stings a little that I haven't even spoken to him in 2 days. We IM and text daily, but it is not the same. We'll make it through, so I am not crying into my pillow or anything. Just feeling a little lonely.

Work is also causing some havoc on my psyche. The old adage of "it's good to be the king" is really off base. It isn't always good to be in charge. Especially when the people that report to you are not mature and cause chaos in the kingdom. Case in point, one of my "underlings" is on a performance plan and doesn't agree with me that there are still issues at this time. So much so, that this person even went so far as to email their progress directly to the manager and VP that I report to. And didn't copy me. And threatened to the manager to take me to HR for being a bad supervisor. And STILL isn't pulling their own weight. Sigh. Luckily, my manager is in total agreement with my assessment, as well as the VP. All this person is doing is digging their own hole deeper by showing insubordination. Still, it is stressful and angst ridden trying to deal with them daily. I wanted this job, I truly did. I like being able to lead a team to victory. But when one person is throwing wrenches into the works like this, it makes my job that much harder. The goal was to bring this person up to speed and hope that they could continue on in their role, but it is really evident that won't be happening. And I HATE having to deal with that....

So, maybe I should be REALLY careful what I wish for.....what I really wish for right now is a million dollars so I can pay off my debt and take some time off of work. It could happen.....

Lightening Fast

2009-01-30T08:44:00.005-05:00

Life changes so quickly these days. This week, J had his custody hearing. What happened was just downright unbelievable. The Ex did not show. How can you not show to the hearing that decides the fate of your children???? But, it was in J's favor anyway. I guess she realized that she didn't have to show since she wasn't going to win anyway. I don't know. What I do know, is that as of Monday, our lives will change forever. J gets his kids. We are sure of that, based on the judge's comments. The hearing was rescheduled to Monday, only because an important mediation report was missing. So that has to be redone Monday morning. Then, Monday afternoon, the hearing will take place a second time.

J and I went to dinner last night to discuss the change and next steps. For the kids, it will be a hard adjustment. After hearing horrible things about their dad for so long, it will take some critical intervention to help them to reconcile their feelings. J mentioned the judge wants to mandate counseling. He is happy with that, because he has tried to have them in therapy before, but the ex thwarted him often. The kids will need time to adjust, and so will J. For that reason, as of Monday, I step into the shadows for a little while.

I assured him that I love him and want what's best for the kids. I am quite reasonable about this in my head. He and the kids will need to find a rhythm again, a way to live and work together on their relationships. What J doesn't need (and the kids definitely don't need) is an outside party interfering or encroaching on their precious time together. I made sure that J knew that I fully expect to be on the sidelines during this time. I can handle it. I know how I would feel if it were me trying to re-establish my ties to my son. I don't mind being regulated to 3rd string for the sake of the kids. I'll take my every-other weekend "J Time" and be happy about it.

But not really.

I am sad. I totally got used to having him around. It's going to be a hard adjustment for me. My head knows it is the right thing to do, and my heart sort of knows it, too. Mostly, I am unsure of the future and that is always so unsettling for me. I am you typical type-A personality. Must have a plan. Must be in charge. Must know what's coming.

And I don't.

What if it takes YEARS to "fix" the kids? We could be in this holding pattern indefinitely.

What if J finds that he is torn between the kids and me? I would HATE to be a burden or a worry to him. Especially now. He doesn't need that.

What if he stops loving me? Ok, I don't believe that will happen, but it is a concern. When we are no longer "in the bubble" (using his words) and are facing these tough life issues, it will not be so easy or comfortable. Will he find that I was merely a passing fascination?

Wow, didn't expect that to come out, to be honest.

For the past few months, J and I have been building a foundation for our relationship. I knew the possibility was there that he would get his kids and I never pretended that he would be "all mine" at any time. We talked about blending our families and settling into a place together. We talked about what we would do for childcare, schooling, etc. We day dreamed about putting an addition on to the house and making room for everyone in my little house. We discussed all this and more.

Only now that it is a reality do I realize that it's going to take more time than I had previously thought. And it's going to be a lot of work. And, I will not expose N to the turmoil of the time period it takes for J and his kids to reconnect. He is too young and won't understand. J and I talked about this, too, but we are clear that we will stay together through it all. I have firmly believed from the beginning of our relationship that the kids would be with him and that we would forge a life together as a new family. N believes it, too. He keeps asking me to marry J so he can have a brother and sister. As the saying goes, "This too shall pass." All of the unknown and scary is only temporary in the grand scheme of things. It will work out.

Life changes so fast. Who knows? I can be a worry wart sometimes. I know that whatever happens, the best in life is still to come.

Sad State of Affairs

2009-01-26T07:13:00.004-05:00

Read this.

Unbelievable. What is wrong with this picture?

I'll tell you. I rarely get all riled up about these things, being that there is little that can be done by me personally. But I have something to say about this issue.

The better team won. Period.

Why should they apologize? Why should they feel ashamed that they played better and got excited when they were so far ahead. The whole idea that they should "pity" the other team, who was not up to their caliber, is insane. This is not a life-or-death situation, people. If the outcome was the other way around, would the other school feel that THEY should forfeit their win and apologize for the better play? I think not.

What gets my goat the most is the fact that the school administration is trying to make this a religious argument. Fugghetaboutit! This was a sports exercise. I really don't see JC on the court at all in this. Should we feel bad for the losing team? Maybe, if they played hard and did their best. Should we penalize the girls that worked hard to be a better team and minimize their success by forcing them to be "Christ-like" and apologize for their achievement? Hell to the no! This is the whole point of sports, people! Work hard, play well, and win. Every competition has a winner and a loser. That's just life.

Grant it, our society is pretty cut throat and hung up on getting ahead. In theory, I understand what the school is trying to promote. I just think they are going about it the wrong way. If you take a team and get them to play their best, and the coach insists that they played fairly and with honor, then why take that and make a religious statement from it?

Well, I don't know. My sense of fairness is disturbed. I would rather not play at all if the school I played for didn't support my success. The administration won't even acknowledge that the team played well! If I was one of those girls, I would quit just for the sheer lack of support from the school. I applaud the coach for standing his ground and affirming his belief in his team.

When I played basketball in gradeschool and my freshman year, I was probably the worst player on the team. As a consequence, I didn't get much court time. But I was never one to back down from a challenge. What are we teaching our youth if we tell them to "feel sorry" for the team that didn't play well? Perhaps we are teaching them compassion? Ok, we can do that without making them feel disgraced for winning. But more importantly, if we hold them up and say, "You did well. Maybe next time, when you are so far ahead you can relax a little and not be so aggressive." Even that doesn't sit well with me. If the girls played as they were supposed to, why penalize them?

I don't know. What do you think?

For AG

2009-01-22T12:54:00.006-05:00

On Tuesday, I watched history unfold from the comfort of my couch. My darling son, N, was ill and laid up with fever. He preferred playing Lego Batman to watching an historic event so I hooked up my bedroom flat screen in the living room and created a viewing center of my own. The inauguration was enthralling to me as I am new to paying attention to politics. What I was watching was political, but most of that was lost on me. Instead, I was taking part in a great moment in our nation's legacy. And, right up until the moment when John Roberts flubbed the oath, I was fascinated. Then the flub. What? Our highest ranking judge couldn't remember one little oath??? And he was READING it...What's up with that? No matter. It was cool anyway. Except for the musical interlude I could have done without. And the poetry reading. And the "invocation" and later the other preacher talking (whatever happened to the separation of church and state anyway? Sheesh). It was a very solemn and touching moment for me. Did I cry? No, not really. But I felt the magnitude of the moment anyway. The speech was also moving to me. I can't imagine the weight that man was feeling at that moment, and yet he spoke to eloquently and strongly. Awesome.

I watched ALL of it. Right through to the end of the parade. Then, I had to turn it off for Idol. Yes, sad as it is, I still needed my Idol fix.

Yesterday, N was sick again, so I worked from home. You know what? It sucks working from home! Things tend to go a little off at work and I end up spending a good part of the day trying to keep people from being idiots. It's like glorified babysitting. And I hate that part.

But, for some reason, I had a huge burst of energy around 4 p.m. I looked around and realized my house was a WRECK. I got N to help me take down the Christmas tree, then I went around and put stuff away. J came home and put stuff in the attic for me. Then I was a lunatic cleaning, vacuuming, and moving stuff. We ran to Casa Depot and got tape to fix my rug. We fixed the rug and I finished moving stuff for the night. I am not 100% satisfied with the layout, but there is more room to move around, so I am happy with it anyway....for now.....

I was happily exhausted by 9 p.m. I felt that I had at least gotten somewhere. Ever get that feeling that life is out of control? I have had that feeling for awhile now. By rearranging my house, I am taking control of my environment and it helps me feel like some part of my life is back in order. Controlled chaos, if you will :) Know what I mean?

Back to work now. Maybe tonight I'll have the urge to clean the bathrooms....maybe.

The Return

2009-01-19T07:41:00.007-05:00

It may be time to visit a doctor. After 62 days of absence, Aunt Flo decided to return with a vengeance. Not only did she fail to give me proper notice, she also has determined that being gone for 2 months means that she has to squeeze in two months of pain and suffering in a 4 day span to make up for it. Without giving too much detail, she is causing me to wake almost every 2 hours and the pain can be excruciating at times. Makes me wonder if I could have another cyst? Whatever the reason, I shall call my doc this week to make an appt to find out. Fun, huh?

The weekend was awesome, despite the reappearance of my nemesis. Because it was this weekend that I finally reconnected with my dearest friend from high school.

Say what you will about these sharing sites like MySpace and FaceBook. It is through FB that I found RV again! 23 years ago, my closest friends were RV and MV. We had gone through grade school together and managed to stay close through high school. MV sort of dropped out of our lives shortly after that, but RV and I stayed pretty tight. She moved all the way to DE from PA and we started to lose touch. I was young, naive, and lazy - I thought we would always be bestest friends and didn't think that I needed to put too much effort into seeing RV or keep up with her. Little did I know.

After college, RV moved around and I lost touch with her. Truly, I had lost my dearest friend. I forged new relationships with those that I feel are special friendships, but I always regretted losing touch with my other "sister". She was such a part of my life in the days I was growing up - we went everywhere together. We talked about getting houses on the same block and having our kids grow up together. We dreamed about the lives we would have and the places we would go. We wanted to be close always.

After falling out of touch, I had briefly found her 4 years ago when perusing a classmates website. We made tentative plans to get together but that fell through when my son became ill. Then my phone broke and my computer crashed and I lost her number. We lost touch once again.

Last week, I was looking through the high school connections on FB and I saw her again. This time, I was not letting her go! We traded some email and made plans to meet for dinner on Saturday night. Since RV has recently torn her ACL, I offered to make meatloaf and mashed potatoes. She had the rest. I was excited and nervous. What would she be like now? Would I still feel connected to her? Would our kids get along? Can we recapture our friendship? All of these things raced through my head for the 24 hours leading up to our dinner.

I needn't have worried. RV opened the door and, taking one look at her, I could see she looked JUST the same. She was still tall and beautiful. She still had the most exotic cheekbones and eyes. She looked no older than her 20 year old self! She said the same of me, but I think she was just being kind :)

N and her son hit it off at once. They liked the same things and were able to be friendly straight off the bat. RV and I chatted about family and got the history we had missed. We sat down to a lovely dinner and I actually found myself wanting to pester her with questions. But I knew that I didn't want to come off being too eager and overbearing. I didn't want to overwhelm her! LOL

After a nice dinner and dessert, it was time to go. We made plans to get together again in two weeks, since that would be when N was home with me again. I was almost sad leaving, because I had wanted to reconnect for so long, I didn't feel like we had enough time even though two hours had passed.

The best part is, she only lives 5 minutes from my house! How cool. Even though she'll be moving in March, she is planning on staying local, so that should be good. I do not want to lose her again. I just hope she feels the same way about me.

The New 'Do

2009-01-14T14:32:00.002-05:00

Manifique, n'est pas?

Aaaak! Playing Catch Up

2009-01-13T07:27:00.002-05:00

So life is busy, right? Well, it's been a week since I have been online and I am going through major withdraw! I have tons of stuff going on, so I better get down to it...

Mediation went rather well, all things considered. Some more drama took place after, but nothing so horrible that it caused an ulcer. Best news of all, the mediator is recommending that J get custody! Thanks for your prayers!

This weekend was the Mary Kay January Jamboree. It was AWESOME and inspiring. I was so moved that I am rededicating myself to the business. I am pretty competitive (right J?) and so I WON'T let myself down on this one..... I was also privy to a "beauty consultation" for my skin, color and hair. I wanted a new sleek look, something professional, and was told that a wedge type bob might work for me.

So....

Last night I got my hair cut! It is incredible! Of course, my stylist did a much better job of showing it off but I'll work with it and figure it out. It's a little flat to me. I think I need to get some product to make it more voluminous. Even still, it's awesome and I love it. Even J liked it, so it must be pretty good. I feel great and it gives me such a feeling of empowerment.

I was supposed to have my mirror fixed on my car this morning and have the repair man come and look at my stove today, but I have many things going on at work. I'll need to reschedule those appointments. I am hoping for tomorrow. We'll see :)

Well, off to put on my "face" and then I'll take a pic and let you all see my fab new 'do. Ta-ta!

Need Prayers Please

2009-01-07T12:04:00.004-05:00

Ok, so I am currently on a "vacation" from religion, but I am still asking for your prayers. See, this afternoon is the mediation hearing for J's custody dispute with his ex. She has gone to great legnths to make him look like a horses ass. She called Family Services last month on some trumped up charges that she had Crystal report (and exhaggerate I must add). When DFS closed the case for unsubstantiated allegations, the freaking wench called the cops this morning to report the SAME charges! So, this morning, I was sitting in my living room watching the cops interrogate J and try to get to the bottom of the allegations. Not only is this fruit loop wench (really wish I could use stronger words, and I am trying really hard NOT to) desperate, she is a dangerously psychotic person. She got her kids to lie and steal for her in the past, and now she got them to accuse their father.

I have no doubt in my mind that J will eventually win the day since the lunatic psychopath bitch lives in a motel and doesn't have a job to speak of to support her kids, and lies and cheats her way through everything. But it is a really hard thing to watch him keep getting these low blow hits along the way and have the feeling that there is something else coming right around the corner.

So, please send up a prayer to your higher power of choice. He needs it, the kids need it, and even the freak needs it.

Thanks.

A Trip Worth Remembering

2009-01-06T11:51:00.008-05:00

Happy 2009 y'all! Back from Michigan and finally have a few minutes to spare to go over the wonderful weekend I had at the farm. J and I drove through snow and boring landscapes to arrive at his parents' house shortly after 12 noon on Thursday. It was actually a nice ride. We broke it up so that helped a lot.

The farm is actually right on the Indiana/Michigan border in a sleepy little town called Bronson. There is a lake 200 yards into Indiana called Lake Pleasant with summer cottages dotted along the circumference. Across from the lake is a farm, and then another, and then another. Very serene and peaceful :) One third of the farm is in Indiana, the other two thirds are in Michigan. This is really very cool because you can literally stand in their side yard and be in two states at the same time! ok, it's the little things that amuse me :)

N (formerly known as "Dino" but is now a big boy who prefers not to have 'cute' nicknames) was excellent in the car and in meeting the family. The moment we walked into the house, it felt warm, cozy and inviting...largely due to the warmth and graciousness of J's family. There is Mama B, Papa R, TJ and JH, and J's sister D and her partner JK. Add to that the 4 dogs and a cat and it was your typical funny and frenzied meeting! LOL Seriously, I felt at home straight away and didn't feel nervous or anything meeting the "future in-laws". Mama B especially reminded me of my dear Nana and her friendliness and joy of life were really inviting. Papa R was apparently on his best behavior, but I found him to be funny and wicked smart. Then there is TJ - a Brit Chick with a great sense of timing and no shame, and her husband JH who was just as sharp. The two of them had me in stitches almost immediately. D and JK (who are expecting a baby in April) were just as warm and friendly. Everyone really made me feel accepted and at ease within minutes. J and I unloaded the car and set about settling in. I got the grand tour of the house (a newer construction that is in the spirit of an older farm house, with lovely details that were taken from the original house that was knocked down. Beautiful chandeliers and a couple of old pieces of furniture were lovingly restored and served as functional pieces. The kitchen was awesome - and opened to a lovely breakfast area. In the breakfast nook as well as the living room, was a display of some of Mama B's Christmas Village houses. Wow! It looked like an old time department store display (for those of you familiar with Wanamakers, it was very much like that used to be!) and was so amazing that N took tons of pics. I will post them when I get them downloaded.

We settled in for a meal and then after we opened gifts. I was surprised and humbled by the fact that they had bought both N and I gifts as well! How awesome is that? Barely know these people and there they were, giving us gifts. We sat around for a bit talking and then it was off to bed.

The next day we went out to the farm to get a tour of the barns (awesome!) and the path to Lake Michiana (the lake the farm backs up to). Cold and windy, but not too horrible, it was a brisk and invigorating walk. I was coming down in earnest with the cold that I started on the beginning of the trip, but I think the walk helped. At least, it felt like it did. I did have to make J take me to Angola to the local superstore called Meijers (Meyers) for cold meds, but in all, I did pretty good. My spirits were up and there was no way I wasn't going to enjoy my time there!

Went for another walk on Saturday to the other lake that is in Indiana (across the street and down about 200 feet). It was cold, but not as cold and windy as Friday, so it was better to walk in. N went out on the frozen lake with J and I got a couple of cute pics with my camera phone. D and JK had to leave earlier in the day, so it was a bit quieter as all the dogs went home with them :) N was sad, he loves dogs, and in fact had tried to persuade the Chiuaua to let him hold her. No go! That one was about as timid as they come. The other dogs, a HUGE shepherd, a large basset hound, and a high-strung Palmaranian, kept the place hopping for N and were a bit more accepting of his attention.

Both Friday and Saturday nights JH set off fireworks and N seemed to enjoy them "even if they were loud". It was hard to say good bye. I really didn't want to leave at all! Mama B loaded us up with the wonderful foods she prepared - pierogies, Gołąbki (pronounced "gowompki"), kielbasa, and of course kiszka (pronounced 'kieshka')....and then we were off for the 12 hour drive home.

Honestly, it wasn't such a bad drive. J and I were still upbeat and N was on his best behavior. We made it home by 8 p.m. and were bone tired but happy. It was a great trip and we are planning on going back in the spring. JK should have her baby around Easter, so we are looking at those dates. I better get started on the baby blanket!

Pics coming soon......

Smells like....

2009-01-01T08:12:00.001-05:00

We are on the road and I am happy to report that the trip has been smooth and fun (snowstorm on the mountain be damned! 4 wheel drive rocks, y'all). As we crossed over the state line from PA, J and I looked at each other and said, "Smells like Ohio!"

This is a joke that we picked up from a blog called Roar Of The Tigers - by Samara Pearlstein about the Detroit Tigers. There is apparantly a rivalry between her state college and the college one of the ball players (for details, see J). She was commenting on his trade to another team, and then stated that he smells like Ohio. We found this unbelievably funny and use the tag line any chance we get. So, naturally as we are driving in Ohio, many references are made to the aromatic qualities of the state.

Just as we got back on the road this morning (having stopped for the night at a hotel) Dino commented,
"What's that smell?"

"OHIO!" Came the unison reply from the front seats.

Resolutions

2008-12-31T09:09:00.002-05:00

I will be travelling to Michigan tonight and tomorrow and will not have access to post until after the 4th. So, in lieu of some witty commentary on life, here are my resolutions for New Year 2009:

1. Stop making resolutions.

Hope you all have a happy and safe New Year! See you in 2009!

Uncensored

2008-12-30T10:23:00.013-05:00

Ok, so I made a vow to never censor myself on my own blog. And, for the most part, I haven't. When I am angry, I think it is pretty obvious. When I am sad, that too comes across, likewise when I am happy. However, there is one subject that I have not blogged about for fear that I would offend. The BF's kids.

Here's where I have to carefully choose my words, for they ARE just kids. But they treat J with such disdain and disrespect that it REALLY gets my goat. They are so sided with the mother (CBE, to us) that they blew off their own dad for Christmas. They are ungrateful for his sacrifices, and they speak very badly of him to his face. I find that I am totally irritated by them and their antics. CBE needs a solid kick in the head for the crap she has been pulling, and now she has the kids in on her freaky behavior. What I find is that I am tied emotionally to J, so I am tied emotionally to how they make him feel. And I find myself affected by their peevish behavior. They quite frankly don't even act like he is their father - just some sperm donor that happens to do laundry and buy them stuff.

I am trying to be objective here, but it is not easy. They are just children - 14 and 8 years old respectively - and they are quite impressionable. They have a steady diet of how their dad sucks fed to them directly from their mom, who finds any and all reasons to point these things out. She obviously cares little for their emotional or psychological well being and only wants to exact revenge on J by turning his kids against him. Ok, done.

So, moving on, the kids are now under her direct spell and prefer to have no contact with him. They have told him quite definitively that they prefer to stay in the rat-hole motel rather than travel to see their grandparents in another state. It's horrifying and fascinating the power this woman has over them. It's like watching a train wreck or the plane hit the tower - you are sickened and disgusted, but you can't stop it no matter how much you may want to. And, you know that it will end badly, but you're not sure exactly how. So you watch, and hope, and offer help in any small way you can.

But here's the thing - I thought we could all get along. The one weekend they spent at my house was kinda fun so I think it lulled me into a false sense of security of our standing. Not that I expected them to jump up and down for joy that their dad was with a different woman, I am not that naive. But since that time, their attitudes have changed drastically towards their dad - and I am not sure how they feel about me (except for the boy, who hung up on me several times that one night - little bastard). I had hoped that, given time, we would be able to forge some kind of bond. It seems now that this was probably a pipe dream.

In 7 days, J will be going to court to face mediation on the custody of these two ungrateful offspring. I don't believe there is a chance in hell that CBE will get full custody of the kids. In fact, I can't believe that a court mediator will allow ANY child to go to a woman who is living hand to mouth in a motel that rents by the hour, with no future prospects for a job or a permanent residence. So that means the children will end up back with J - and I dread their reactions. They already treat him so badly that it makes me cry inside for him. How will they treat him going forward if they perceive him as ripping them away from their mom? And if they hold that much resentment and anger, how will they react to me?

To be honest, with all that J has been through, it may be best that I step aside for awhile and just let them figure it all out. It is hard to write that. My instinct is to be there and try to help fix things. But this is not my mess to fix, and may only serve to complicate matters. I will continue to support J in all he does, and give him "sanctuary" when he needs it, but I realize that my needs and desires will and should play second fiddle to the needs of his kids. I am saying this now, because J and I have had some awesome alone time in the past couple of weeks. I look back and realize that this is because we need it. It will be harder for us to be together exclusively coming up, and I feel that we have had this time to help get us through. Soon it will be back to every other weekend and that will be a tough thing after having him all to myself for two weeks....

And, the kids. They irritate me to no end. I am almost glad they didn't want to go to Michigan with us (god, I hate myself for even writing that, but the truth is the truth). I dreaded them coming along and then hating the trip and complaining non-stop while heaping more verbal abuse on their father. I would have snapped. And I would have said things that they wouldn't have liked to hear. Like, "You know, when you grow up, you'll be sorry you didn't treat your dad better". Yeah, that needs to be said at some point. Then again, if they did come, they could get out of the chaos and turmoil they are in and see how "normal" people are when they don't lie, steal, or cheat to live. "Normal" people that have jobs and can afford homes and...stuff. They need that, too. 'Cause the more time they spend with CBE, the less likely they are to come out of this situation and have normal productive lives.

It's The Most Magical Time of the Year

2008-12-24T07:51:00.002-05:00

Unless you live in the Northeast and have ice on the roads, that is. I was up and ready to come to work extra early today. As it is, I stayed home until 6 a.m. BIG MISTAKE. Total idiot drivers caused havoc on the roads, tying up EVERY major artery. I kept cutting over to other roads only to find more and more backups. Sigh. After almost 2 hours on the road, I am finally at work and starting to decompress.

Because I want to focus on something positive, I am sending out wishes to my friends for a very happy holiday. No matter what you celebrate this time of year, now is the time to remember that life is precious and we should find joy in all that we do (with the main exception being stuck in traffic for hours - no joy there! LOL).

Although my Christmas will be different this year, it will be wonderful. I have Dino on Christmas morning to open his gifts. Then he goes with his dad. After that, J and I have our time together. Not that we haven't had time together all week, but this will be special. I am so happy that he is in my life. We will probably take a nap, but end up at DG's house for dinner. That should be awesome. I can't wait! That is such a departure from how I felt a couple of weeks ago when I thought that I would have to find something to occupy myself on this day.

Well, need to finally get to work. Please have a safe and happy holiday!

Pain To The 10th Power

2008-12-22T07:16:00.002-05:00

Talk about embarrassment! While shopping at the supermarket on Saturday, I slipped on a cherry tomato and fell on my right butt and back. Wow! Did that hurt! At first, I as merely stiff, but as the hours ticked by, the pain grew and I simply felt like I was hit by a Mack truck. I could barely move my back. I had also jammed my right shoulder because like a ninny, I put my arm down to try to stop my fall. This caused my arm to jam up into my shoulder and cause my shoulder blade to slam into my mucles. OUCH!!!!

AG called me shortly after and gave some expert medical advice, which I have followed.... ibuprofen and ice/heat. J also was there to knead my back and shoulders almost continuously throughout the day and night. What a prince! He put up with me gasping and moaning (keep it clean!) and catered to my needs very sweetly. What an amazing man I have in my life! Thankfully, we didn't really need to go anywhere short of the karate party and taking DG's roasting pan back to her. I should have taken that time to totally rest, but I didn't.

I have this problem, see. I can't sit idle for too long when I know that there are things that I need to do. Like laundry, vacuuming, trimming the tree, putting the decoration containers away, clearing out the family room, cooking, and wrapping gifts. I allowed J and Dino to help, but I really felt like I had to get it done. Christmas is only 3 days away now. I realized my problem on Sunday, and tried to force myself to take it easy. Yeah, right. I was surprised I didn't take that moment to start putting the crap in the garage into the attic. I may have, if I didn't think that J would totally lose his patience with me as he kept trying to steer me to the couch where my massaging chair pad thingy was. But, I think it was more a need to get order in my life before the chaos of the holidays set in.

It still turned out to be a wonderful weekend, despite the fall. Still, the pain persists. It is definitely less than it was, and I feel with proper stretching and the continuation of ice and heat, I will recover from this. Since I REFUSE to have to see a doctor at this time of year, I am hoping that I can nurse it back to full strength without medical intervention. Sheesh.

Good news: J helped me wrap the gifts for Dino last night. I will wrap more tonight and hopefully be done.

Bad news: since Dino is off and I am not, he is being "farmed out" to my ex-MIL's house today and DG's house tomorrow and Wednesday. Sigh. I don't like him being away from me right now. But, it can't be helped.

Well, gotta try to work now. Typing is not too bad. Just a mild ache in my shoulder. But my wrist hurts from where I slammed it on the floor, so I will try to not over work it. Geez. I feel like an old lady!

Off I go to finish putting my team's gifts together. Have a good one, ya'll!

Feels Like Home

2008-12-17T06:40:00.004-05:00

Last night was J's Holiday Party. The party was being held at a hotel in the city. I was originally supposed to bring my clothes to work and go right there, but I decided that I needed to "gussy up" at home. I did not count on the weather being a factor :)

Despite the rain (and subsequent messy roads), I managed to get home, throw on my dress, pack my cute little clutch and heels, and throw on my boots. The ride into the city was ok. Not great, but certainly not as bad as I expected. The rain kept speeds down, which was ok with me since I didn't know where I was going anyway. Once I got to Broad Street, I called J and he talked me to the nearest parking garage...but I had missed my turn, so I had to circle City Hall and go down 15th street. For once, I didn't mind driving into the city. The driving was fine, and there were lots of people out going to and fro.

After walking a few blocks, I met up with J at his office and saw his workstation (ummmm, let's just say he's a little far from a neatfreak) and met a few people. Once I spruced up my makeup and put on my heels (note: next time, wear the boots to the party and change there!) we headed out in the rain.

The hotel was not far, and we arrived in good order. It was a swanky place, with marble floors and a lovely lobby. Once we made our way to the party, it was obvious that a great deal of care and expense was put into the affair. It was really lovely. The food was awesome! And, meeting all of J's co-workers and friends was fun. I am usually intimidated at parties where I don't know many people, but I think with J by my side - and looking damn fine in his suit - made it a great deal easier for me.

We mingled over drinks and I discovered that the people J works with are all really nice people. I was welcomed warmly. Most didn't recognize J in his suit or were totally surprised by him. I was so proud to be there with him. He looked so handsome! Even his butt....lol.

Dinner was extraordinary. Did I mention how awesome the food was? EVERYTHING was great. I even ate sushi! Every morsel melted in the mouth. Then, there was dancing. I was extremely happy to find that J likes to dance. It was so much fun! Not too many people on the dance floor, but that was ok. We had a great time.

The pièce de résistance was the chocolate bar at the end. There were bananas, marshmellows, cookies, pretzels, strawberries and more to dip and eat. Mmmmmmmmmm. YUMMY! By this time, a good number of people left and it was getting late. One of the lawyers came over to say good night and she whispered in my ear, "I'll pay you to stay with him!" She was too funny! Of course, no payment is necessary, at least not in our currency :) TMI? Too bad! LOL

When J and I got back to the house, we were pretty tired. What was cool, and this is the point I wanted to make, was that it all felt so....normal. Going to the party, being introduced, having fun, and then going home with J felt like....home. And, waking to find him snuggled next to me....felt so right. I love this feeling. Better than I have felt in, well, forever! I will cherish this night for a long time.

Looks like Santa delivered my Christmas present early this year :)

Geek Chick In The News

2008-12-12T07:06:00.009-05:00

Delaware (AP) (edited from previous version)- A self-proclaimed blogger that goes by the moniker of "Geek Chick" has declared that she is not sure what to blog about. With readership in the ones, she certainly feels a good deal of obligation to post witty and expressive dissertations on her life experience. She believes it necessary to warn readers when there is a serious lack of inspiration so that they are not disappointed when they don't find something new. This clearly bothers the 40 year-old mother of one, "I am simply stumped. That kills me! I have a big mouth, I have no trouble talking, so why can't I find something to blog about?"

Blogging has become a world wide phenomenon, with millions of people using this online outlet to share publicly what is going on in their lives. Some are funny, some poignant, and some are nonsensical. There are political blogs, technical blogs, craft blogs and pet blogs. Just about any subject you can imagine is being blogged about at this very moment.

So what makes Geek Chick stand out from the crowd? Well, as she puts it, "I am just one blogger trying to make sense of our world."

Born to relatively low tech parents, Geek Chick discovered her obsession with everything technology driven in the early 80's. Atari, Commodore, and Bulletin Boards (the precursor to Instant Messaging) were all part of her vernacular at an early age. "I was not necessarily a full fledged Geek yet," she says, sitting in her ergonomically correct chair at work, "but I was definitely bitten by the bug. I would come to the status of Geek slowly over several years of development."

Years later, Geek Chick is still learning what it means to be Geek. Gaming, blogging, Sci-Fi, learning to code in the wee hours are all part of the Geek heritage. What Geek Chick has discovered about herself in this journey is that not all Geeks are created in the same way. For her, it was a twisted and convoluted path to Geekdom. Holding jobs such as teacher, medical biller, salad bar girl, and finally IT Help Desk, Geek Chick relished learning the more technical aspects of these positions. Her innate desire to seclude herself became her avenue of discovery. "I never really dealt well with people. I still don't." She says, as she tosses her unruly red curls from her face. "I preferred to hole myself up somewhere to delve into the mysteries of HTML or Java. But, I have learned over the years that you need people. And in my current position, I can't ignore the people that work for me. The difficult balance for me is deciding how to interact and when. That's why I blog, it gives me an outlet for my true feelings so that I can be 'the boss' at work."

Geek Chick is not alone. A simple search using a well known search engine, like say Google, will turn up millions of links to people just making their mark on the world wide web. Most use blogging as an online journal, with personal thoughts, opinions and ideas posted for all the world to read. Reading Geek Chick's blog is like reading a diary. She shares her struggles, her pain, her joy and her triumphs. When something happens that she is particularly emotional about, she posts with passion and sometimes with foul language.

"Yeah, I know. Not so good, right?", she laughs. "Well, one thing I decided early on is not to censor myself. Since we are allowed freedom of expression in this country, I believe that no matter how vulgar others may see it, I am just saying how I feel."

What Geek Chick most wants to do is write. "I used to write short stories, poems, songs, limericks and I even tried a book once. What I am hoping is that by posting on a regular basis, I can develop my writing ability and get back to that. I crave that creative outlet that I used to have."

To that end, the blog "Geek Chick with Sticks" is a mish-mash of different writing styles and topics. One post about her son is poignant. Another about family is witty and dry. Sarcasm is a big component of her arsenal of blogging. She doesn't mind that not all people will "get" her humor. She just wants to be free enough to say what she thinks.

And so, Geek Chick has vowed to continue to blog, even when she feels she has nothing new to say. "I have to keep it up. It's the only way I can get my head straight sometimes. Like when I went through my divorce. It was hell, and I mean HELL for a short time. Blogging helped me through that. It wasn't just the journaling that gave me solace, but the people that posted their comments of support. I mean, where can you get that with complete anonymity like this?"

With that, the fearless blogger returns to her keyboard to attempt to pound out another gem of wit and insight. Blog on, dear Geek, blog on......

Drama

2008-12-10T07:26:00.007-05:00

Poor J. He is dealing with a great deal of c.r.a.p. right now with his ex over the kids. What I found as they spent the weekend with me (or rather, they spent the weekend at my house with J), is that the kids are generally sweet and just looking for attention and affection. J gives it to them, then they c.r.a.p. all over him. It's not that they are ungrateful, just misguided by their other parent. J's daughter seems to have really taken a shine to me - even tells me that I remind her of her dear aunt (whom I can tell she holds in the highest esteem). What really gets my goat, though, is how they treat their dad.

From the time I met J, I could tell that he really wants what is best for his kids. He is not a "hands off" dad by any means. I know that the past was hard on him, and he gave his ex tons of leeway when it came to raising the kids. I know that he came to the realization that they are NOT better off with her. He is fighting a constant uphill battle for their success in life.

I won't go into details, as that is his private business. What I will say is that it rankles me to NO END that he is treated so disrespectfully by the kids. They don't call him "dad", they call him by his first name. This would be sorta ok if they did the same with their mother, but they don't. This to me shows that they don't have any respect for his status as their father. They totally take advantage and it pisses me off. They also get really rough and violent with him, especially his daughter. When he says something she doesn't like, she immediately reacts by punching him or saying he is a loser. This really freaks me out. I have been able to bite my tongue, since it is his place to deal with them. But I know that I will not be able to sit on that forever. I expressed my opinions only to J so far. I did say on Sunday that there is no hitting around me. What I think I need to stress is that my house has some rules - like, we don't hit. We don't call each other names. We don't leave popsicle sticks shoved into the couch cushions (srsly, that freaked me out too).

T, the youngest boy, is much like Dino. In fact, he and Dino get along really well. Dino even calls T his "buddy". Lately, T has been acting JUST like a kid does when they are comfortable with the people they are around - they test their limits and act out a bit. Up until now, he has been on his best behavior. That changed this weekend. Don't get me wrong, he isn't being a hellion or anything. He is just pushing the little buttons that all kids push to see where it leads them. I am more than aware of this :) Thank goodness for my teaching experience! I can draw on that now to set the boundaries that he needs in a way that he can accept from a person that is not his parent.

I genuinely like his kids. I really DON'T like the situation they are in. I can't really blame them. They are a product of the struggles between a deranged mother and a dad that his trying his very best to be what they need. The problem is, they don't realize that they NEED him and the structure he wants to provide. They are fighting him every step of the way. Kids don't understand the grown up problems that J and his ex are dealing with - they make assumptions based on what they see and hear. And they hear a lot. They haven't yet said to me anything that I would find really alarming. But they have to be confused by all of this. And I can definitely see that they are torn. From the way they talk, their mom can do no wrong and their dad can do no right. That has to be really wearing on J. And yet, they are hanging all over him whenever I am around (staking their claim on him, no doubt) or when I call. They have affection for him, they just can't always express it.

On top of that, the ex is causing all kinds of havoc. I have never said this before about a mom who wasn't a drug addict or abusive in some way - but they would be MUCH better off without her. She is dragging them down into her chaos and there is no real way to stop it. At least, not without a court order. What I fear is that by the time the mediation date arrives (Jan. 7th or 9th, I can never remember which), she will have put wheels in motion that will only allow the mediator to make a decision that may not be in the children's best interest.

I know what you are saying - "But GC, you are defending your boyfriend, of course you are on his side." I say to you naysayers, "Duh." Yes, he is my boyfriend and I love him. But I am not blind in this relationship. I see him for what he is - a man trying to do the best he can with what he was dealt. I have seen him interact with his kids and find him to be an attentive parent. I have talked to him at length about options, course of action, decisions. This is really hard on him, and I want to be there to support him while he fights the fight of his life. I hate to see him suffer like this. And I hope he feels the love I give and that it lifts him up some.

The HONEST question I have to ask myself - how much drama can I take? I guess only time will tell. This is it, folks. The drama is here now. And so far, I can be the objective supporter that J needs.

****Update: there are powers in this universe that prevented me from finishing this post the way I WANTED to. I was rushed for time and left out a very important piece - and that is that I truly support and love J and want him to get his kids away from the psycho wench. The drama will come and go, as it does in all of our lives. I am just trying to say that I hope I can continue to be strong for him, and not fall into a wallowing puddle of self pity as I sometimes do when life gets REALLY hard. 'S all.

Shopping Madness

2008-12-09T06:43:00.005-05:00

First, let me state for the record that as much as I LOVE Christmas time, I don't love shopping for Christmas. It's kinda a drag. Money is tight this year, but I did squirrel enough away to get Dino the things he wanted. What I didn't do was start shopping early this year, despite my vow to do so. Not sure if it was procrastination or my crazy schedule up to now, or just plain laziness. Whatever the reason, I have managed to get Dino almost completely done. I also was able to purchase a few things for J, and I even got myself a couple of things for Dino to give to me (cause he felt bad last year that I didn't have much to open). I have to still get a couple of things - like for my parents. They are notoriously hard to buy for. Something for my dear friend Fr. John, and also something for my team at work. I know I can get it done, it just is a frenzy and I don't like hitting the stores at this time of year. I doubt my little contribution to the economy will help, but it does make me feel a little bit better about helping to stimulate us out of a recession :) Kidding.

Ok, so I am desperate for ideas for my parents. I reached out to my sibs, and my brother replied that I could contribute money to a fund to get my parents to write out a will. Ummmm, don't think so. Not exactly saying what I want to say during the holidays. I mean, what kind of message will this convey? "Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad, here's a little something to help you when you DIE"....not.

Ok, so here's a thought. I am considering getting them separate gifts instead of one gift. I know my mom loves red, and will wear anything red. My dad, he likes to build models. So, that helps. I am sure I can find something along these lines.

Speaking of shopping, we had a department dinner last night with our VP. Since I get off at 3 p.m., I jetted over to SIMS (for the educated consumer, don't you know) and did a little shopping with one of my teammates. She helped me to pick out something for J's Christmas Party (which, I find ironic that they are calling it a Christmas party since the lawfirm is largely Jewish, but I digress....). I found the perfect black dress and stole to go with it. I even got a faux fur jacket to jazz it up. Nice. Of course, I couldn't stop there. I got this AWESOME beaded clutch. It's really a metal trapezoid shaped box, with a little handle, and black beads all over it. VERY funky and cool. Now, just need to make sure I have shoes...which I think I do. I also found two great sweaters. One of which is a gift for Dino to give to me, the other I am wearing right now. Love it!

Ok, so that aside, I am "almost done" my shopping. I hope to wrap it up this weekend. That would put me ahead of many past holidays. Next year, I SWEAR (sware, even) to start before Thanksgiving :)

On a different note, my baby brother's girlfriend had her baby last night. At 7:34, and weighing 7 pounds, 14 ounces and 21 inches long, he is a healthy baby boy. I can't wait to see him! I didn't get in until late, so I didn't get to talk to my brother directly. I will call him today :) Better get that blanket done, huh? LOL

Have a good day, y'all!

People SUCK

2008-12-08T06:54:00.002-05:00

I arrived early to work this morning to complete some paperwork on my teammates. It really sucks that I have to take this step to make people do their jobs. On top of that, I discovered someone STOLE my digital picture frame from my desk - but the moron left the remote sitting here. I can't believe that this happened at work! I have heard of people missing things from their desks before, but that was over a year ago. And, our facility management has not reported anything taken in a long time.

I am so ANGRY and upset over this. The frame had pictures of my son on it. WTF????? I know times are bad, but COME ON. This was a personal item for me. I am freaked out and ready to cry.

The worst part is, work won't do anything but file a report. Big FUCKING deal! I feel violated and enraged. I don't have much money at this time and won't be able to replace it. That really sucks, y'all. And, on top of it, all I can do is pray the fucker removes the pics of my kid. That is the part that sucks the most. If they got into our building, they could find ways to figure other things. I hate not feeling safe anywhere, but it's worse when you know that they got into a secured building! Or, someone let them in.

It comes at the worst time of year, too, since Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time. Again, I know times are bad and this is just an indication that some people will do ANYTHING to avoid having to get their own shit. Well, they suck. I hope the motherfucker burns in hell!

Our New Addition

2008-12-05T07:43:00.008-05:00

No, not the pop band, silly. That was so 80's! I am talking about our new little kitty. When I gave up my precious pup a couple of weeks ago, I was trying to think of a pet that Dino would enjoy and be able to help care for. DG and I discussed a smaller dog, but any dog would be too much for us at this point. Perhaps in the future.....

So in the meantime, I settled on wanting a cat. I have always been a cat person, and had my own growing up. My last darling, Benji, passed quite a long time ago. Because MFE claimed to be allergic (which I now realize he was not, just a PITA) I was not able to own one until I struck out on my own. I searched the internets for a kitty that wouldn't be too hard to obtain (side note: some of these rescue groups are quite fanatical when it comes to pet ownership - even of a cat. It seems to me that, while sometimes warranted, they go overboard on the "approval" process). I looked at cost, size, type, and known issues. I determined that the best thing for us would be a kitten, but not too young, and one that is laid back, likes to be held and petted, and gets along with other animals. I even considered adopting two kittys that were siblings or raised together.

For the past few days, I promised Dino that we would go to the local pet store to look at the hamsters (which I am against. Why deliberately bring rodents into your house?). Just to look, I made him promimse. We walked to the back of the store and discovered 3 cats in cages from a local rescue. One was older, a HUGE orange tabby. It was pleasant enough, but really didn't seem to care for the other cats. It hissed when they were near the side of their cage. Not good. The other two, kittens that were of the same litter and only 3 months old, were in the other cage. They were sleeping when we approached them, curled up together and oh-so-cute. I picked up the little boy kitten just as a couple approached. The little kitty was sweet, had long hair, and was very fluffy. He wanted to play. I noticed the woman that had come in was saying that the kitty was "hers". I thought this meant that she was giving the cat up. Then an older woman came up to us. She said that she had been there all afternoon playing with the kittens and had come back to get the little boy. Dino was disappointed, but I pointed out that the other kitty needed a home too. I handed over the boy and picked up the little girl. She immediately nuzzled me and started to purr. What a sweetie! After a little discussion, where the older woman stated that she had not wanted to leave the little girl alone, we decided that I would take the girl and she would take the boy. The store clerk informed us that we just had to pay the adoption fee and fill out the form and we could take them home immediately. I was ecstatic! Dino and I got a few supplies and walked out with our new baby.

She settled in just fine. I left her in the carrier for a bit while I picked stuff up and closed off doors in the hall. I set up her food and litter box. Then, Dino and I let her out. She took her time exploring her new home and I found that she had a few favorite places - under the china closet, behind the big screen TV, up on the window sill, curled up on the bean bag chair. She also had tons of energy. Dino really got excited that she wanted to play and he used the new toys that we bought. He played with her for quite some time! He never did that with the dog. I think that dog scared him and the kitten was just perfect for him.

J and his kids came over for dinner and to meet our new addition. His daughter is so good with animals. She has a knack for handling them. I wish now I had gotten some pictures of them with the kitty. His son was enamoured as well. He kept petting her and talking to her. She loves attention and kept purring and seeking for more. It was a very sweet night. They came up with a name for her - "Jingles".

After J and the kids left, Dino and I got ready for bed. Our new little miss followed us around. We got into bed and she snuggled up between us in the comforter and immediately started to purr. She slept there all night long.

This morning, I awoke and got into the shower. I was surprised to see the kitten sitting and watching. She was curious, that is for sure. When I pulled back the shower curtain to grab the towel, soaking wet, her eyes got HUGE and she leapt out of the bathroom in a single bound. It was as if she was saying, "OMG Mom! You are WET, and you did it ON PURPOSE!" She sat and the door and watched until I dried myself off and only then did she venture back in.

DG reminded me that our parents have a cat named "Jingles". When I woke Dino, we decided on a new name - "Mistletoe", and we will call her Missy. She is such a cute little miss, anyway, so the name fits better.

Dino played with her immediately and she followed him around as he got dressed and started to get ready for school. They already formed a bond, and it is so sweet to watch. He turned to me at one point and said, "Mom, I love my kitten. And she likes me!"

I hated to leave her, but she is already litter trained and knows where everything is. I closed off the bedrooms, laundry room, and the bathroom. I left her toys out, and a blanket on the couch for her to curl into.

Hope you find her as adorable as we do!

What Geek Chick Thinks About The Economy

2008-12-04T07:48:00.005-05:00

For those who know me well, it is obvious that certain issues are not paramount in my mind. Politics was one (until I met AG and J), money was the other. I look at money as an aid to my life, not a result or something to obsess about. One of the things that annoyed me most about MFE was his constant neurosis about money. Who has how much, who got what, and where they kept it were the main topics of conversation with him. I used to chalk it up to being born to immigrant parents who scratched and saved all their lives to have a good living. And I am sure part of this is true. But it got to a point where it became fanatical for him, and it totally turned me off. I was not one to fret about such things. As long as I had money to live, I was happy. Because of his preoccupation, he began to influence me and I started to worry about money too. Did I have enough? Was I making enough? Did I save enough? Was my 401K going to help me when I retire?

That last statement is really the only thing I should be concerned with, in my mind. I cannot and WILL NOT live my life wondering what everyone else is doing with their money. But, I do have to think about how I am dealing with money, and that kinda scares me. See, I was not raised in an environment where my parents were very wise about finances. This led to me never learning to manage my money well. So, now at 40, I am on my own once again and starting to realize that my attitudes have to change. I have thought I was better at handling money (and worked really hard on getting myself out of the gutter with debt and my credit score) but I am finding myself starting to struggle again, and I don't like that. I would much rather have a little cushion to make me feel "safe".

I am trying to be realistic here. With me only 7 months post divorce, I expected to struggle some. When I didn't experience any problems right away, I believe I fell into complacency. Now reality is setting in. And I am scared.

Add to that the fact that the economy is so bad. Add to that the fact that I lost 40% in my 401K in that time frame. Add to that the fact that I had to recently purchase a new car, adding to my debt.

Still, I know I will be ok. I will make due. I have plenty of ways to try to make my dollars stretch more and I know I can rework my budget into something a bit more comforting.

MFE, however, is in dire straits. The house is not selling, which I believe is the direct result of him trying to get more out of it than it is worth ($60K more!). He informed me that his credit card debt is still very high (was >$30 K when I left him) and he lost a significant amount in his IRAs (at least 58% from the form I received to sign off on the accounts recently). He also is responsible for the home equity loan he took out to purchase the rental property - equity of the VALUE of the house, not on what we paid for it. Then there is the loan he took to buy me out. That puts him into the unenviable position of being way upside down on his debt. If he doesn't sell the house for what he currently has it listed for, he will not be able to pay off all the loans. He makes less than I do, so I know he has to be hurting right now.

Why do I care, you may ask? To be honest, I am only mildly concerned. I think that he brought this on himself. I believe that what goes around, comes around. For all his preaching and (hey J, this is for you) pontification about saving and having money, he was not following his own advice. He dug himself a really large hole.

What I am concerned about is the child support. I didn't want to "need" it. I wanted to have it for those extras that Dino wants or needs. I find myself in a position now where I actually have to have that payment each month to get groceries or to buy Dino new shoes. That is where my concern lies. I suspect that MFE is crying "poor" now to try to do something to shaft his son. Hell, he tried it before during the settlement negotiations. He had his lawyer offer an amount that was HALF of what it is now, and only when I threatened to go to court did he concede. The man doesn't have an ounce of decency when it comes to supporting his kid.

I know the market will eventually turn around. I have faith in our newly elected president that he will find a way to make this country strong again. And, I am not freaking out about my 401K. It's a long term investment, so it will recover as well. Having this optimism doesn't help me when it comes to worrying if MFE will declare bankruptcy and not pay his child support.

Well, that's enough fretting for now. I must get to work to earn the money that keeps us going. I am going to try to put this out of my mind for now...

Insomnia

2008-12-03T10:15:00.013-05:00

Last night, Dino spent the night with his dad. I went to my MK meeting (although not feeling too well) and sat listening to everyone else's success - side note: have not been able to do much with my "business" because of travel and holidays. Not an excuse, just is. I drove home and finally got some dinner. I talked to J and then got ready for bed. And stared at the ceiling. So, I got up and posted some pics from Disney to my FB album. Before I knew it, it was 11 p.m. Egads! I went back to bed and forced myself to close my eyes.

Funny thing about not being able to sleep...you have plenty of time to worry/stew/think. I worried about having enough money for Christmas. I stewed over something that happened at work. I thought about J... a lot.

Here's the thing, to keep this blog real, I have to reveal myself (keep it clean, I am speaking about feelings here). I started to think about things between J and I and I realized a few things:
1. J reads my blog and I have been holding back for fear of offending/embarrassing him.
2. I really want to shout from the rooftops that this guy is fuggin' awesome!
3. I am truly in love with someone. For the first time EVER.
4. Has it really only been 5 months since we first met????

I decided that I have to be true to me and talk about things openly. I am so lucky to have met J! I mean, a guy that doesn't mind that I "expel" in front of him is a total keeper ladies. And, he is introducing me to new things, like folk music and baseball. Still don't get the infield fly rule, but I digress.....

I want to be sure one thing is certain - I am totally secure in this relationship. We are moving at our own pace, keeping each other in check when needed, and generally just enjoying the moments we have together.

However, I wanted to try to put in words the way that this connection happened and is sustained by our commitment to each other. You are probably starting to have heart palpitations at this moment. It's ok. Take a deep breath. Rushing into things is NOT something you need to worry about for me at this moment. I am literally taking each moment as it comes and just going with instinct. Every fiber in my being is sure that J and I have something true and real. What we are trying to do is face it like grownups. We have both come from extreme situations; for me - abusive, for him - insane. So we are truly enjoying the moment of "new love" and getting to feel something that has been missing in our lives since...well, forever.

The thing is, when you feel like you've met your bestest friend and that person TOTALLY fits in with your family, you hold on tight. I used to think that "true love" was a hoax, something created to make others think that they are missing out on something wonderful (which I had for so long). I believed that there was no such thing. To an extent, I can see why people can lose themselves in this heady feeling. It's totally addicting. But J and I need to keep our wits about us since we have children that rely on us. For me, I want to stress that for the first time, I feel like I am in a "smart" relationship. And that doesn't just mean that J is a smart guy (which he totally is), but also that we are doing this right.

J is also someone that gets along so well with my friends and my dear sis DG. Once I got their approval, I felt like I had won the lottery. A guy that totally digs me and "gets it" when it comes to family, AND is able to kick back with the kin? Totally priceless y'all....

Not to mention his cute ass. Just sayin'.

Ok, I know the insomnia is kicking in now because my fatigue is starting to affect my typing and I am pretty sure I am rambling here. See what happens when you can't sleep?

Weird Times, My Friend

2008-12-02T08:16:00.007-05:00

Rough night/morning. Not feeling well, and I seem to have lost my new ring that I bought to match my yellow topaz necklace and earrings. This is Dino's birthstone, and it really ticks me off that I can't find it. I just got it before I left for Disney. Sigh.

This morning, because I was looking for said ring, I was running late. I instructed Dino to put on his sneakers and get in the car. When we got to MFE's house, it turns out that he put on his good school shoes with his gym uniform. He can't play gym in them, so I had to run back to the house and grab his sneaks. I drove like a bat out of Hades, but I was still behind by about 15 minutes. Grrrrr. On a different note, the car has AMAZING power (compared to the beast I was driving before). It really is a sweet ride.

So, what's weird? Well, that's coming. Hang in with me a moment....

Wanted to give a quick update about Disney. I downloaded my photos to my PC, but haven't had a chance to put them on the web yet. I will. In the meantime, the trip was AWESOME. Couldn't ask for better weather, better behavior from Dino, and better conversation with strangers. It was like one big happy family. Dino wanted to spend most of his time at Hollywood Studios - on the Star Wars ride. 8x's my friends. Yes, you read that right. We rode it EIGHT times. It was a great ride, so I totally didn't mind. In fact, I kinda encouraged it. He had his faced painted as Darth Maul, then was pulled on stage to participate in the Jedi Academy Training show. That was freakin' HAWESOME. He looked so cute. They were walked through some moves to fight with a lightsaber, then suddenly Darth Vader was there. They each got to battle the Big Baddie. When Dino got his turn, Darth Vader says, "you look strangely familiar"...it was funny. Then, Dino battled him and Darth fell to his knee. Dino then got to use the Force on the Storm Troopers. He was the only one to do that. It was sooooo cool. Can't wait to post those pics.
There is WAY too much to detail here, but I will put up here the rides we got on and the number of times we did them:

Day 1 - Magic Kingdom:
Pirates of the Carribean - 2x
Haunted House - 2x
Peter Pan's Flight -1x (totally not worth the wait)
It's a Small World - 1x
Buzz Lightyear - 2x
Carousel of Progress - 2x
Stitch Experience - 1x
Tram (in Tomorrowland) - 2x
Monster's Inc. Laugh Factory - 1x

Day 2 - Hollywood Studios:
Star Wars - 6x!!!!!
Indiana Jones show - 1x
Great Movie Ride - 2x
Prince Caspian - 1x
Backstage Tour - 1x
Muppets in 3d - 1x
Power Rangers Meet and Greet - 1x

Day 3 - Animal Kingdom:
Dinosaur - 1x
Triceratops Toss - 2x
Bug's Life - 1x
Lion King Show (not a ride) - 1x
Safari - 1x
Fossil Playground - 1x (also not a ride)

Then we went to the hotel and played in the pool. Then went to Epcot:
Spaceship Earth - 2x
Finding Nemo - 2x
Space Mission: Mars - 1x

Day 4 - Epcot again:
Spaceship Earth - 3x more
Soaring - 2x
Circle of Life - 1x
Finding Nemo - 1x
Innovations - 1x

Then we went to Hollywood Studios again:
Star Wars - 2x more
Drew Carey Sound Experiment - 1x
Walked around a bit.

Back to Magic Kingdom:
Carousel of Progress - 1x
Buzz Lightyear - 1x
Tram - 1x
Fast Track - 1x
Haunted House - 1x
Electric Light parade - .04 times - Dino HATED it and we left.

Lots and lots of walking, lots and lots of shopping, lots and lots of eating. What was really cool was that we got to do the rides we really wanted a number of times and we seemed to hit them at exactly the right times for the lines to be minimal, or we got the fast track tix. I can't say enough good things about Fast Track. Really makes it totally worthwhile to get a time to come back later. We got to see a lot of side shows all over the parks, and even if Dino didn't want to meet many characters, I did get a pic of him with the Power Rangers and with Buzz Lightyear (and the Jedis of course).... All in all, totally worth it!

So, are you ready for what's weird?

Life is right now. Specifically the holidays without my son. I don't have Thanksgiving or Christmas with him this year. It's freaking me out. Thanksgiving was fine, though, because J and his kids were with me at my sis's house. That was awesome, to be honest. I really enjoyed the fact that the kids had a good time with my family. I missed Dino, but not as much as I thought I would. I am dreading Christmas, though. I mean, how can I do Christmas without my little boy??? I will have him Christmas Eve and he will wake up at home to open his gifts, but then MFE picks him up at 9 a.m. and I don't see him again until the 27th. It's making my heart hurt. Seriously. I know that J and I will find SOMETHING to do and will most likely go to DG's again (she's adopted me, it seems! LOL). It's just really a bitter pill to swallow that I can't spend the day with my baby.

On top of that, MFE is acting weird. I don't trust him any further than I can throw him. He is trying to be accomodating and is being CIVIL. It's so not like him. He's up to something.....

However, good things are also on the horizon - I will be going to Michigan for New Year's weekend with J and his kids to meet his family. It's really exciting for me. The drive (we are driving, it's too expensive to fly) will be interesting for sure, but with the DS and DVDs, we will be totally fine.

Before that is J's office Christmas party, which is next week. I seriously need to find a dress for that. I shamefully admit that I have gained a bit since October, and I totally need to get back in gear. But I think I can still look smashing enough to impress his co-workers :)

Ok, gotta run. Have a super duper day!

Back to Normal?

2008-12-01T09:00:00.002-05:00

Hello Blog World!

Yes, I have been gone a LONG time. So sorry. Work travel, a magical trip to Disney, and Thanksgiving sort of kept me off line most of the past two weeks. And when I did log on, it was only for brief moments....

Synopsis: Dallas was nice (even though I got sick), Disney was awesome, and Thanksgiving was super. Now I am sick. Just a cold, I am sure. Been fighting it for some time and I think it finally got me.

I want to post more, but I am behind and I am trying to catch up on things here at work. I will post more on Disney and such this weeks.

Nice to be back though.....

A Weekend of Change

2008-11-17T07:14:00.006-05:00

Hello blog,

Sorry for being offline for the past few days. Lots has happened and I am still taking it all in. I am feeling so many different emotions right now....

First, on Friday, I was forced to take sweet Katara back to the SPCA. She had been chewing as you know. Furniture, rugs, socks, toys, you name it - nothing was safe. The worst thing is, she was starting to chew people. She had nipped since I got her, but I thought it would subside. It did not. In fact, she became more insistent each time she put her teeth on someone. It was more a beg for attention, I understand that. But I can't have her knocking little kids over and grabbing their clothes. She was getting worse, and I was unable to take the time needed to train her properly. I admit it, I bit off more than I can chew with this one. When I took her back on Friday, I was met with open disdain and attitude. But, I knew I was doing the right thing. I just cried all the way to dinner....

Friday night, J and I went out to dinner with his work friend. It was a fab restaurant in South Philly. How amazing that food was! We then moved to a local bar for drinks. Unfortunately, the rain and stuff kept people away and it was a little "dead". Further, I was sooooo tired having been up since 4:30 a.m. and the emotional turmoil of taking the dog back. I had to beg off the festivities early. We just missed AG (who I was hoping to hang with) by about 15 minutes. Sorry AG!

Saturday, I test drove cars to replace my falling apart Xterra. I found a great car at a dealership and was given permission to drive it for the day. J and I took it into Philly for our lunch aboard the Spirit of Philadelphia (a lunch cruise). The lunch was good, but the cruise was better. We stood outside for a bit and just enjoyed being in each other's arms. It was so romantic! We then took the car back and I had to decide - buy the car now, or wait until after my trip to Disney? I decided if the numbers were right, I would take it now. After all, I needed a car and it was a sweet ride. The numbers worked out (sort of, but more on that later) and I drove off with the sweetest car I have ever owned. Now I find that at looking at the paperwork that the price the salesman gave me is not what made it to the sales slip. I have to call them this morning, or I may have to return the car....

Yesterday, J and I had to do some things and I had to catch up my laundry. I am in Dallas for 3 days this week and then I come home and leave for Disney on Saturday morning. I am not sure if I can get it all done! I have to pack Dino for staying with his dad and pack both of us for our trip to Sunny Florida. Luckily, the two will have different clothing requirements so I can get both done at the same time :)

So, that's it in a nutshell. Lots to do this morning, but I am sure I will get it all done. Hope that you had a great weekend, too! Not sure if I'll be posting much (if at all) from now until Thanksgiving, so hope that your holiday is one filled with Family, Friends, and Fun!

Meh

2008-11-13T07:07:00.010-05:00

Feeling a little strange today. Not exactly bad, just....meh. Not sure why. Dino and I played Dino-opoly last night - it's a dinosaur version of Monopoly. It was fun, but of course, Dino whupped my butt. He's quite the mogul, my little guy!

Didn't really get to talk to J last night, either. He was able to get his kids and they were in need of some "dad time". I am so happy he got to have them for the night. Hopefully, that will be a regular occurrence for them. He's such a good dad, I can't imagine them not wanting to be with him. Except that his ex is on the "wobbly" side and doesn't appear to do much by way of encouraging them to be with him. In any case, we tried to be on the phone, but they interrupted often and loudly, so it was pretty obvious that they wanted and needed his attention. So, it was short lived.

I also realized that I have to get my itinerary to the ex today for my trips to Dallas and Disney. Should have that done today. It's a strange thing...

I hurt my pinkie on Monday. Not sure what is wrong with it, but I had jammed it into the dryer door. Do you know how hard it is not to type with your left pinkie? I put a little splint on it to keep from bending it and it is a weird thing not to use it. I keep messing up this post! Arrrgh!

Also, been looking at cars. My transmission slipped again a bit this morning. While I am in Disney, I am having my BIL check out my car to see what it may need, but I am pretty sure it is on it's last legs. I DON'T need another bill right now, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I've been looking at used cars and will be going out this weekend at some point to perhaps test drive a couple. I really like the Dodge Caliber, and it's good on gas. I was looking at the Prius, but even used ones are prohibitively expensive! One with 20K miles on it was selling for 23K. Sheesh!

Finally, I am looking to consolidate my debt on my credit cards. Now that I am on my own, I am finding it hard NOT to use them. Especially with Christmas around the corner. So, I am looking for deal where I can transfer the balances for no fee and a low APR. Any ideas are welcome.

Gotta get back to work. Later gators! Hope you have a better day than Meh.

What to do?

2008-11-12T06:45:00.005-05:00

Ok, y'all, I have a problem and I am not sure how to handle it. Woke up this morning to find that my ~~lovely~~ demon dog had chewed the WOOD part of the arm of a chair in the play room. On the one hand, the chairs belonged to my ex-mother-in-law and I shouldn't feel too badly about them being destroyed. After all, it's just furniture. On the other hand, they are antiques from over 70 years ago and I had hoped to one day have them redone to make them my own. I really like them. So, naturally, I freaked when I saw what the evil mutt had done.

Add to the chewing, the need to knock over any small child and nip at their clothes. Then, there is the constant nipping at my feet. And the stealing socks and chewing them to bits. And the spastic behavior whenever J is over. It's getting old and I am getting really frustrated and tired of her act.

I'm in a conundrum. What do I do? I know that owning a dog is work. I'm not so stupid as to realize that she is not going to stop this stuff without some sort of intervention. Here's the issue though: time. I don't have a great deal of it as it is being a single parent. Training is during the week - where I have less time than on weekends. I thought of putting a muzzle on her while people are over (and I may pursue this). But what to do when she is left alone? I can't (ok, WON'T) cage her as that is not fair to her. She's a dog for crying out loud.

And, despite her destructive behavior, I love her.

Sigh. Ok, thoughts and comments are welcome!

On a different note, I have one week until I go to Dallas and then turn around and go to Disney. I am boarding the Hound from Hell for the three days I am in Dallas. Then my darling (and quite brave) sister, DG, offered to watch her while I am in Disney. Disney in only a week and a half away! YIKES! So much to do before now and then! I have to make sure I have bags packed for Dino since he will be with his dad for the three days I am in Dallas. I also have to have a separate bag for Disney. I am starting to spaz a little myself.

But, it will all work out. I can't wait to go away with Dino and see him in Disney. I have wanted to do this for so long now. It's going to be an awesome time! Count down has begun....

Playing Hookey

2008-11-11T08:05:00.002-05:00

Good morning, y'all!

Quite a busy weekend! First, went to a baby shower for my brother's girlfriend (or soon-to-be fiance, whatevs!). It was fun, hectic, and sweet. She is such a wonderful person, and seeing her with her family and friends really just struck me how lovely she is. Her mom had a slide show of baby pictures on the wall, and it was just so sweet to see her and my brother's pics together. Their baby is bound to be GORGEOUS. Yes, I am biased.

After, J came by and he hung out. Spending time with J is awesome and I savor every moment. I did some quick clean up of the house since I was having family over on Sunday....

Second, had Dino's 7th birthday party on Sunday at the karate studio. J helped keep everything running smooth and even ran back to the house for my phone because I left it there like a wacko. We had run around all morning getting stuff and he was a HUGE help to me. After, we went back to the house and had family over. That was utter chaos. And, even better, J did not run screaming from the house. It was the best introduction to our family gatherings that I could possibly ask for - kids were occupied, dog was spastic, parents were co-herent for once, and sisters were just plain chatty. J seemed to enjoy it, but we both totally crashed after.

Yesterday, I was so beat and "hung over" from all the activity, that I took a day off of work. I had a couple of other things to do, and J had some errands, so we spent the day getting things done. It was nice, though, because we didn't rush, and didn't try to stick to a schedule (except when we had to pick up Dino from school). It was a good day, and capped off a great weekend.

Back to work today. Not too much going on, so hopefully I can get some things done for the week that are due and just get myself back on track. I am getting excited about our trip to Disney in a week and a half. I also have that trip to Dallas through work, so I have to find a kennel for my dog for those couple of days. She is really spastic and hopefully will not have too much trouble.

Gotta jet. Tons to do. TTFN!

In Which She Discovers Something

2008-11-07T07:04:00.014-05:00

Last night, J came over for dinner. I heart me my J! :)

I tried an old favorite that I had not had in a long time, chicken breast cutlets lightly seasoned with provolone cheese melted on top. Easy, quick, and oh so tasty! I was turned on to the Trader Joe's bag of chicken breast cutlets by the one and only Domestic Goddess. I had not been to TJ's in a while and when J and I went there this past weekend, I loaded up. Salmon, tilapia, and chicken. I had not tried the chicken on my own before, but I had them at DG's. They are awesome! If you have the chance, grab a bag. The cutlets are individually frozen and are the perfect portion for a single meal. Totally awesome.

Ok, that was not what this post is about. The post is about my boyfriend. Since he reads this blog, I will not say tooooo much. But this blog is also my journal, and I would be amiss if I didn't stay true to my need to get my thoughts and emotions out in the written word. 'Sides, I can't help but share my happiness.

I haven't been happy in a long time. DG will attest to the fact that when I was younger (MUCH younger these days...) I was a wacky, happy-go-lucky person without too much consternation. I had a severe self-image issue, but other than that, I was generally pleasant to be around.

As I grew, I found that my inner happiness was continually compromised by my desire to be accepted. I kept giving others the power to "make" me happy or miserable. It soon became a habit and before I knew it, it was standard practice for me to look to others to affect my mood or self-image. Thankfully, I didn't have any wild inclinations at the time, or I would have ended up in dire straits....

Well, I sort of did. I latched on to specific types of people. One of them was my ex. Someone that seemed to have it all together, were a commanding presence, could be in control (since I had lost control). At the same time, I did little to improve my self-image. I gained weight at an extraordinary pace. I used my fat as my "security blanket". I wanted to keep people at a certain distance so they wouldn't hurt me, and I felt that the weight would do that. Until I met my ex, I didn't think any man would want to be with me. I had some minor relationships, one of which was quite abusive. So the ex seemed like a breath of fresh air. A bit of a dork, but someone that seemed to have it all together.

After spending 10 years with the man, I realized how my lack of confidence and my penchant for giving away my control led to my own misery. Between my sisters' advice and a self-improvement course I took at work, I found that I WAS strong and I HAD confidence. I wanted more. I needed to find my fun side again. I desperately clawed my way out of the abyss.

I fought for my right to be happy, but it didn't seem like MFE wanted to fight it with me. So I ended the marriage that had been such a source of pain and anguish. I decided that I would no longer be controlled. I would no longer give someone else the power to make me happy or sad. I would no longer wait for good things to come my way. I would no longer use my weight as an excuse to not take risks. This was going to be MY time. And it has been.

In the past several months, I have grown by leaps and bounds. I didn't know what the future held. It was scary, yes, but enthralling as well. Finally, I was in a really good place, mentally and emotionally. I actually believe in myself and my abilities. I truly feel strong and worthy.

Enter J.

What started as a good friendship has turned into a great relationship. J is a man that is honorable, attentive, and kind. He is someone that doesn't make me feel like anything - he complements me. He doesn't try to control or be influential. He gives me the best gift of himself. J doesn't try to change me, he encourages me. We are interconnected in a way that I never had before. Why? Because I was never in the right place with myself. I seriously feel like J completes me. How awesome is that?

I am falling for him. Hard. But not blindly this time. Not stupidly, like I did before with others. I have my eyes wide open on this one. We both have things to work on in our lives, so we made a conscience decision to not rush things. We know that the time is right for us, and we know that there are better things to come.

And, I like his butt. Just sayin'.

So my discovery was that I held myself back. I was in my own way when it came to happiness. Now that I have let go of the pain of the past, I can move forward into the light with a man that will be a real partner. Someone that will allow me to make my mistakes, but hold me up to help me fix them. Someone that makes me WANT to be a better person.

<3 J!

For The Love Of One Man

2008-11-06T07:36:00.005-05:00

Hey y'all...

GC is a little tired this morning. Overslept after trying to get caught up last night from my sleeplessness the night before. I don't regret a thing! I still believe that I was priviledged to witness what I think will be a defining moment in American history. Anyway, I still managed to get to work on time, thanks in part to erratic and frantic driving...kidding!

So, from the title of this post, I bet you think I will be blogging about my sweetie, J. Well, sorry to disappoint you. No, this blog is about my father. The man that set the standard, as it were. I have long admired him, but really didn't "connect" with him. Recently, I have come to realize that my distance from him emotionally and physically were not doing me or my son any good. So, without further ado, here is my story...

As I was growing up, my father always set the standard for living truly and without prejudice in a world wrought with hatred. His acceptance of others in our society have always been my benchmark for my own treatment of people. He always taught me that people were people. They didn't have red, black, yellow, or white skin. They didn't give anyone cooties. They were flesh and blood.

He also taught me to respect myself and to take pride in anything I do. He always taught me that anything worth doing, was worth doing so well that I would WANT to admit that I did it in the first place. He was a great influence on my job ethic. Be the first to get there and the last to leave - that was his motto. Set an example. Be a role model.

So why the strain on our relationship? Well, let me 'splain....

My dad and I are SO similar, we butted heads all the time. When he would challenge me to do better (even if I got freakin' honors, y'all!) I would take it as an insult that he wasn't proud of what I did accomplish. I only saw the negative when he would push me to finish what I started. As an aside, I believe I had ADD growing up and that this was a source of frustration for him when I couldn't stay on task. In any case, he would push, and I would push back. Hard. I felt like I was never good enough because all I heard was "you can do better" and not the "I'm proud of you for doing this, but..." .

He was also VERY strict as I was growing up. No makeup, boys, or late nights for me and my older sis. No, we had RULES. I have always hated rules. Still do. As the younger siblings grew, the rules changed and they were given a bit (ok, a TON) more feedom. Why? Don't really know. Not important. What is mportant is the fact that I resented it. I felt that I wasn't trusted and that meant that I didn't meet his standards....

The funny thing is, my dad was my hero and I don't really know that he knows it. Even during the angst ridden teenage years where being a rebel meant that I put makeup on BEFORE I left the house, just to get his goat. Even when I made stupid choices or did things I knew that he would not approve of, just because. Dad was always there for me and always trying to make me see the value of being a better person.

Don't get me wrong. Dad has his faults like any other human. He is stubborn, hotheaded, and sometimes doesn't see the forest for the trees. Hmmmm, sounds awfully like some red-head I know and see in the mirror each day, but I digress. He also gives in to my mom WAAAAY too often and tends to keep his head in the sand when it comes to her. That alone can be another post, so I won't go into it now. But something changed after I was married. My dad and I pulled away from each other. I believe it was because of my treatment of my mom. I distanced myself from her because of her insanity (yes, she is nutty, but I am referring to the drama she creates). This may have led to him thinking I was "ostracizing" her, mainly because I am pretty sure she was telling him this. Suddenly, it was a different relationship. When MFE threw a tantrum and threatened me, Dad really just disappeared. I felt like they were leaving me to my own devices. It hurt, and I began to understand that I was on my own when it came to really tough situations. Mom did the same thing. She suddenly stopped calling. She would stop asking me about my life when she did call, and instead started to update me on the constant actions of my siblings. I lost the desire to even talk to them.

I did stay in touch with them, though. At least until I had my etopic pregnancy. Mom threw me into a tizzy with a very strange, crazy, and upsetting phone call. Dad didn't call at all. I made only the feabilist attempts at staying in contact and only had sporadic visits. As my marriage was disinigrating, I sunk deeper and deeper into my own world. It was a tough time for me, but I tried to put on a brave face and pretend everything was ok. It wasn't. I knew in my heart that my parents HATED the treatment I received from my then-spouse, but they wouldn't say it. MFE would openly berate me in front of them, and they still kept silent. Then, my ex-FIL passed on and all hell broke loose in my life. MFE became even more abusive (fueled by depression) and I withdrew even more. It was my sisters that pulled me up and forced me to see what was going on. Without them, I would be in misery still.

Once I decided on divorce, I called my dad to let him know. He wasn't surprised. He said he would pray for me. That was it. For some reason, I felt so alone and couldn't reach out to him to have him help hold me up. I didn't want to burden him with my issues. He had enough to worry about with my crazy mom doing stupid things and basically freaking everyone out. I felt like my issues shouldn't be his priority at that moment.

Still, I wanted and craved his guidance. What should have been a time to bring us closer together only served to force a wedge deeper to widen the chasm. What COULD have been the perfect opportunity for me to reach out was lost. I chose not to. I also thought that by trying to get closer to him again would only open the path to the insanity of my mom and what she did to my psyche.

My brother's recent issues with his life and marriage led him to share with me the fact that he has forged a new bond with our father. I started to look at my own relationship and realized that I need to do the same. Thanks to my brother, who showed me that Dad is an honorable and respectful man who just didn't want to meddle in my affairs. He was just waiting for me to reach out again. Patiently waiting.

It makes me sad that I let so much time go by. So much wasted time. But I am awake now. I see him in a new light, and also my poor mom, who can't help her mental instability. I am trying to make a new connection. I called him last night. He immediately handed the phone to my mom. I think he is hurt, and who wouldn't be? I ignored him long enough to cause pain. But I intend to do something about it. Hopefully, I can repair the rift quickly. After all, time is not on our side.

On a High and Mighty Horse

2008-11-05T14:25:00.002-05:00

Alrighty, let me just state for the record that I am NOT about pushing beliefs off on others. Nor do I feel the need to defend myself in any forum for what I think, feel, or otherwise subscribe to. Therefore, I WILL NOT, read that America - WILL NOT - be baited into a political debate about my choice in candidates. Especially since the election is OVER PEOPLE. Get on with your life now. If your candidate didn't win, try to understand why. Don't push hate around. Don't use my FaceBook page for your scrod vomit (that was for you, J-babe) drivel about how my candidate lied, or about how much money he spent on his campaign. Don't feel the need to send me yet another email about how our country is about to go into ruin. I don't wanna hear it. It's not that I don't respect your opinion, or your right to one. Just go the freak away....or better yet, next time get involved and do something. This is America. You have that right. But you know the saying...People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones....

I have witnessed a truly historic event. I will always remember where I was when Obama was elected. I was sitting on the couch watching the results, with J running commentary over the phone. I was so excited, I couldn't sleep! Caught up in the moment, as it were. Then it happened. And I actually got chills. Not because the first African-American was voted into the White House. But because the country for once pulled together to really affect change on our government. How's that for democracy? Not too shabby.

I was even impressed with McCain's concession speech. He was gracious and seemed to be sincere. I hope so. We need everyone to get this country to where it should be.

Finally, I am REALLY tired. I stayed up through the acceptance speech, too thrilled to sleep. But now I am paying the price. Ah well, I'll get some sleep tonight I hope. Thanks for voting, y'all. We'll get where we need to be.

#30 - The end of the experiment!

2008-11-03T08:01:00.005-05:00

Ok, so here is the final post on The Importance of Being Positive. My experiment is "over", but it really is just beginning to sink in that my new frame of mind brings so many benefits. And I feel much better about myself, my life, and my situation. I feel like I can handle what I have right now. That is soooo important to me.

There are so many good things in my life right now. The weekend was Incredible, time with J just makes me so happy. Even though Dino was with his dad this weekend and missed Halloween at our house, I didn't have a lot of time to think about that. Except for Sunday morning breakfast. J and I were sitting in the diner when I hear, "Hi Mom!" I turned and found Tony, Dino, and the GF and her daughter standing there waiting on a table. I introduced J to them, and then Dino came over and started to talk to us. He wanted to sit with us, too, but I told him he had to go with his dad. I did get to observe the GF with Dino, and for some reason it really made me happy that he could be at ease with her. No jealousy on my part. Weird?

It was odd, and a little awkward, but not horrible. And I felt that J didn't get freaked out like I thought he would. So, all is good.

In other news, my VP scheduled a trip to Dallas for the teams that report up to him. The trip is scheduled for November 18th to the 20th. The issue is that I will have to then turn around and fly to Disney on the 22nd. I haven't decided if the Dallas trip will happen. How in the world will I get all the packing done and be ready for Disney? I have until noon today to decide. I will have to talk to my manager to find out if he is going to insist that I go. Otherwise, I will elect to stay behind in favor of going on vacation....

This coming weekend is Dino's 7th birthday. Hard to believe he will be 7 already! There is a baby shower for my brother's girlfriend to attend and then Dino's karate birthday party to host. Fun for all! Which reminds me, I better order that cake....

Finally, Dino and I have only 3 weeks left to be ready for Disney! I will have to be sure that I am ready, one way or another :) I am really looking forward to taking him and seeing the parks through his eyes...

Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, it's off to work I go! LOL Later, gators!

#29 - J Time

2008-11-01T11:33:00.002-04:00

Sing it with me now....

da nanana, da na, da na, J time!
da nanana, da na, da na, J time!

Yes, it is FINALLY here! J time this weekend. This every two weeks thing is hard, but it makes the time we are together so much sweeter. So Geek Chick will be offline the rest of the weekend. Enjoying a lovely time with my honey, going to a party, and generally just enjoying myself. Hope you can enjoy your weekend too! Later gators!

#28 - More Fun Than A Barrel Of Monkeys

2008-10-31T07:23:00.005-04:00

Wow, y'all! I can't believe how a little baseball talk can spark such animated banter :) For the record, my eyes glaze over only on the math that computes any baseball averages. I understand Pi and algeria therom. It is totally possible that I just didn't care enough (before meeting J, that is) to understand or attempt to commit to memory the batting averages or on base average. However, so Geek Chick is not totally excluded from the conversations taking place on her own blog, she will now take some time to study these concepts and be able to make an intelligent comment or two.

Speaking of spirited conversation, yesterday's post has fueled quite the debate. It's the most fun my blog has seen in years. And I am loving it. The more debate there is, the more I learn anyway. So carry on friends! One of these days I'll be able to join in the verbal sparring....

On a different note - only 30 hours (more or less)until J time! He did come for dinner last night, and a nice dinner it was. Short, but very, very sweet. Holding hands and stealing a kiss or two is enough to hold me over...for at least a day or two. I was so jazzed after he left that I decided to clean the really disgusting fish tank. By the way, NOT my choice to even have a fish tank. Thank my Nutty Mom for that idea. It was cool until I realized that I had NO idea how to clean the damn thing...but I digress. Once I got started, I felt I had to finish it up. Have to say that the thought crossed my mind that if the fish somehow expired in the transfer of tank to bowl and back again, I would not shed a tear. But, Dino likes his fish, so that idea was shot down pretty quick.

After much cursing, freaking, and general mayhem, I have a mostly clean tank. Still need a new filter. But at least the water is not green. Yes, it was REALLY disgusting. And I really don't want to ever have to do that again....

It's also Halloween. That means tons of snot nosed brats...er, I mean kids, coming by for free candy. At my last place of residence, I never had to worry about trick-or-treaters. We were on the main road and thankfully people were smart enough to not let their demon spawn run around there. So, for the last 3 years, no candy was given out. However, this year will be different. I live in a REAL neighborhood and there are about 20 kids within a 2 block radius. Probably more. I know I will run out of candy, but that's ok. I can clear out the fruit snacks that Dino has suddenly developed an aversion to. I am attending Dino's school party and parade this afternoon (and forgot my camera! ACK!) then will rush home to pack him for the weekend and get ready for the night. Not sure what Dino is doing as far as Trick-or-Treating himself, as this is his dad's weekend and he should be going with him. But, true to form, MFE has no idea what the plans are and doesn't much care. Sigh. Just waiting to find out the plans. I am sure it will work out.

Must get to work now....only 29 more hours to go!

#27 - Champions!

2008-10-30T07:40:00.004-04:00

I am not a huge baseball fan, as J can attest to :) In fact, except for the Eagles, and sometimes the Flyers, I don't really follow sports. But when a Philly team does something extraordinary, I can't help but get caught up in it. When the Philadelphia Phillies got to the playoffs, I started to pay attention to them. I didn't watch (mainly because I am the kiss of death - whatever game I watch, my team loses! Srsly!) but followed it online. This team personified Positive Thinking this season. I did get caught up a bit in the hype as well. But this was an exciting time for the home team. I won't consider myself a Phillies Phan, 'cause the people that stuck with them through thick and thin deserve the honor of that title, but I am a supporter (and no, not an athletic supporter, so don't go there). I want to see our guys do well, no matter what sport is being played. So, when game 5 was picked up last night, I decided "what the hell" and watched. I didn't expect to be riveted to the TV the way I was. I couldn't move. I was in awe. And on pins and needles. But when that moment came when Lidge threw the final out, I almost jumped out of my PJs! It was thrilling to watch and I was pumped. I even watched the crazy Phans on the street celebrating after. Tens of thousands of people jumping and dancing in the streets. Amazing.

So here now, Philadelphia finally (or Phinally as the tee shirts say) has another Championship under their belts. Phans and casual obervers alike will rejoice as the team parades down the streets of Philly. The city can once again hold up a sign saying that they are winners. Way to go, Phils. You ROCK!

#26 - The Waiting Game

2008-10-29T07:00:00.005-04:00

Good morning, blog-o-sphere! Hope everyone slept well. I did. You know, I still haven't turned on my heat at the house. Not that I am being stingy, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to have another $300 bill from the power company...
Of course, now that the attic vents are in, that may not be the case, but still. It is quite cold at night now and I was pretty cold last night, but buried under the blankets I was comfy and cozy. Wish I was still in bed, come to think of it.

It's only Wednesday, but I am already anticipating the weekend with bated breath. I find it hard not being able to see J whenever I damn well please. What may seem like a negative is a good thing, though. See, my positivity is really paying off! In the past I would sit and stew in my frustration. Now, I can see that these breaks are good for us. Not that we are out of touch with each other for any real length of time. What with email, texting, chat and the phone, we really aren't "apart". But not being able to see him does suck big hairy donkey balls. However, on the bright side, it allows us to move along naturally as we discussed. One thing that kills a relationship quick is overexposure. Spending every waking moment with someone or rushing to do many things in a short period of time can be wearing and can burn out a newly lit flame. Plus, we both have children that do need our attention, so there is that. So we play the waiting game and will make every moment count this weekend.

Speaking of the weekend, a co-worker is hosting a Halloween party on Saturday that we will be attending. Her parties are usually the bomb. She has this gift for throwing fun soirees where anyone can feel comfortable and enjoy themselves. Last year, I went to the party alone but felt just fine about it. So many fun people were there. She has rules, though: must come in costume to be able to drink, must have a drink to share with others, and (this year) must wear a moustache. She throws in these little fun quirks. Should be a blast. However, my costume plan was switched when J's mom couldn't locate his band uniform. Ok, yes, he was a band geek (DG can rejoice). Depite that, he is pretty normal :) Anyhoo, he was going to wear his band uniform and I was going to wear a cheerleader costume - then J pointed out that band geeks didn't get the cheerleaders. Ah well. Since the uni was not uncovered, he turned to his next choice...one guess...come on, you can do it....think "America's Pastime"...Yup, a baseball player! Ding! I was trying to come up with SOMETHING that would match that, 'cause I always wanted to do that couple-thing for Halloween. The only thing I had was...ball girl. Ahem. Yes, you can see that would have been funny, right? But, not to be. For one thing, I do not have a Detroit Tigers Jersey to match his. For another, well...just can't think what I would wear to be a ball girl. So, I switched it up. I am going to dress as a Rocky Horror cast member. Not any of the leads, just an extra. Fishnet stockings, teased out hair, garish makeup, and glittery clothes. To my surprise (and delight) J knew exactly what I was referring to! Who woulda thunk? I would have gone as Janet but I don't wanna walk around in a bra and slip all night. Too cold.

Must get back to work now. Hope that you have a great Wednesday. Stay positive, y'all!

#25 - And Them Some

2008-10-28T08:59:00.006-04:00

Ok, for the record - J got 2 doubles and a homer with 3 consecutive at bats...and I lost. Yup. Not that we are competitive or anything, right? 'S ok. I plan on being the next one to bury his ass at Wii baseball. Just sayin'. I'll probably eat crow on that one, but hey, at least I don't smell like Ohio....

I woke up this morning feeling REALLY tired. Have not yet caught up on my sleep, and spending an hour or more a night on the phone getting my J fix doesn't help. I am NOT complaining! Just so y'all know. I wouldn't give up my "voice time" with J for anything in the world...unless it is face time with J, but that is whole 'nother post. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Still, as tired as I was, it really hit me how lucky I am. It's cold and rainy out, but I was somewhat warm and comfy inside. I have the means to provide a nice house for my son, have a car (that's falling apart little by little, but still), keep a dog that is sweet and annoying at the same time, and still be able to do some early Christmas shopping(By the by, J's present is ordered. I plan on torturing him until it is unwrapped).

I am so blessed to have wonderful people in my life. I have a fab family, a super son, and fantastic friends. And I have been really fortunate to have met J. Ok, this is going to get mushy - warning you now! J, if you are embarrased, please skip to the next section. Thanks.
I know I said it before, but putting this in "Mr. Baseball" terms, this relationship has come out of left field. J has added so much to my life and I have to say, I am so grateful he did not run screaming the other direction when met the first time. Normally, a guy would never meet me unless I was fully made up and had on my best skinny jeans. Not so on our first meeting, I was in my bum clothes, no make up, and my hair was all wild and curly. Not that it would have mattered. We were just friends, after all. I told him everything - even about Mr. HKwho? and the guys I was meeting online. He knew about my crazy ex (he has one too) and about the struggles I faced getting my divorce. As we compared notes we discovered that we had "parallel lives". So many things we went through in our lives were similar. I relied on him for his perspective into the insanity when it hit me, and I tried to offer the same steady viewpoint when his life was nutty.
I can't pinpoint why it changed when it did. All I know is, I knew the moment it happened. I felt it. It was a real, tangible shift in my perspective. Like a moment when you are coming out of a dark tunnel.
J makes me feel special. He helps me get back up when I am down. He allows me to be me, and doesn't make me feel inferior (aside from losing at baseball, but I digress...). I am so lucky to have met him and that he decided to take a risk and supercede our friendship to ask me out on a date. It's still very new for us. We are taking it slow. But with the friendship as our groundwork, I feel closer to him than I have ever felt to any man in my life before. Ok,now I probably scared him off :) But I have to be honest. Actually, he knows all this. I am just trying to put into words how amazing it is that this clicked at all. It's true, when you least expect it, you get it.
Ok, enough of that. I am feeling really warm and fuzzy today. I think I'll go hug a tree - when it stops raining, that is....

So here is a totally random thought that I just felt like sharing:

I love technology. It allows me to communicate with people around the world almost instantly. It gives us knowledge (and b.s., let's be fair) at our finger tips. It entertains. It gives us news. It provides a soapbox for any cause that one wishes to hype. The information super highway has become the preferred way for many of us to stay in touch. Oh, but it's not just about the internets. Oh no! There is also the beloved cell phone. Texting, chatting, email, not to mention the actual ability to CALL someone IRT (all about acronyms these days - IRT - In Real Time). It's all so amazing.

And here is what I use technology for mainly:
1. Updating my status on Facebook
2. Reading my friends' statuses on Facebook
3. Chatting with J whenever I can online
4. Yahoo Messenger
5. MS Office Messenger (required at work, suckers that they are!)
6. Reading Blogs
7. Writing my blog
8. Texting
9. Downloading ring tones (it's an addiction really....)
10. Paying my bills - all of them!
11. Blackberry email
12. Keeping up with company stock (ummmm, let's not go there....)
13. Weather updates
14. Sharing photos
15. Ordering stuff (eBay Addicts Anonymous, proud member)
16. Googling - it's a word, look it up
17. Homework with Dino
18. Playing games (thanks for the Lingo addiction, DG)
19. Until recently, dating :)
20. Work - when it fits into my otherwise full schedule

Hug your computer today. It does a lot for you :)

#24 Continued

2008-10-27T19:36:00.008-04:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, J brought over his daugher and son last night for dinner and some fun. I was a bit nervous meeting them, but not a whole lot. I just wanted them to have a good night and not worry about impressions. I didn't have to worry. They were sweet, funny, and engaging. It was a really good night. After about 45 minutes or so, J and I looked at each other and I think we both realized that things were going to be A-OK. We ordered Chinese food (and it was yummy, thankyouverymuch), watched a Scooby Doo movie and then played Wii Sports. Dino and J's son really hit it off almost immediately, so I was quite surprised when Dino started to get really bossy and arrogant. And I think it took HIM by surprise when T (J's son) started to beat him at one of the games. Dino, being ever the gracious host, declared the game over and pouted upstairs in my room. I, on the other hand, joined in the fun. T and C (J's daughter) played the baseball game and had a good time with it, but then J and I decided we had to play a game.

Did I ever mention that J is like Mr. Baseball ~~Lunatic~~ Fanatic? Srsly, ask him who played 3rd base for the Yankees in 1963 and he can tell you, along with the color of the guys favorite socks. If anyone wants to know ANYTHING about baseball, ask J. Next time you see him, ask him about Merkle's Boner.

So J proceeded to kick my butt by hitting a double and a home run. I hit bubkis. Nada. Zilch. Lots of fouls, no runs batted in. Sigh.... J is also quite the funny guy and just HAD to give me some gentle ribbing about my tragic loss to his superior sport prowess....

But, it's ok. I am fine. Really. Just plotting my sweet revenge.....